hi

I have the possibility of ditching the beard, shifting presentations, from GQ to more Andro.

I am wondering if anyone has had experience with the perception shift once this is done.  I have never seen myself in a true full transition, only a full genderqueer transition, like the girl winning Eurovision.

The scariest thing for me is first whether my wife percieve lesbianism thereby screwing up my relationship, second I don't know if i am prepared for the whiplash of seeing the hostile stares of the construction community that inately sense either gay or feminine spirits or presentation, and instinctively snub or attack.

Dysphorically, I really want to ditch the beard.  Realistically, i don't want to upset the delicate balance that has been achieved at great cost to stabilize the marriage and therefore my mind.

I had made a deal, the hair cut to businessman in exchange for the beard going, after my trip into a hostile to trans environment with potential for real harm if outed.  But at the same time, I have concerns here.  Authentically it may not matter much, it is a presentational, physically dysphoric issue, but it is very hard for me to sanely understand the choices some times.  My thought process is clouded by the changes i see in the mirror.

All this after a year and a half of therapy and a year of slowly ramping up hormones.

I should be grateful for what I have.  But GQ is a state of necessity while reflecting a trans nature, and it is of truth too, i have that much male left in me, while andro, or with all these hormones more than andro but less than fte, is also the truth, but it is the truth of a badly abused child that put the female side to death to survive, and has rediscovered that component.

My gut is worried about making this choice.  My dysphoria wants it.  My shrink will probably be pissed that i have not discussed it, and hiding it from him is probably significant.

There is great wisdom in here and people that care about me and I them.  I need your minds, my dear friends, and your trans experience with dysphoria.

It's never simple for us, is it?  Such a little thing as a beard becomes such a mountain to climb and understand.  My wife said it's ok, but did I extort that in exchange for the cut so that she would feel safe in the environment with extended, homophobic family?  That would be pretty low of me, wouldn't it.  The lengths dysphoria will drive you too... i was in a very bad place when i first hit the wall, was willing to lose it all, just to let the girl in me out of her chains.  A long journey.

Thoughts please?  Ten to one noone replies... and I am having strong deja vue right now, this is really wierd.

Advice on the traps?  I don't want another breakdown caused by fear of dysphoric progression again.  either the fear is groundless and I am denying myself a fundamental expression of the core, or it is real, and therefore I need to maintain the balance of power between dysphoria, expression, and safety for the life I live and the love I have.

Not very sane, am I.  Hence, need your sanity to step in and fill the gap.

I am a true no op mtf non binary, regardless of presentations or anything else...

Love to all here, and a step of trust.

May not be able to get back on till Monday... shaving would be three weeks from now if it happens.

SJ I totally sympathize with the situation you are in. I hate to say it, but it is a major catch 22. You will not win either way. If you go andro it will be noticed. If you do not Dysphoria will eat you alive. There is simply no way to please everyone in this situation. I wish I had more positive advice than this and it feels so shallow to me typing it.

All I can do is give you my personal opinion. If you stay the same for others I fear a resentment will grow every single day because you are repressing the real you. Dysphoria is one cruel thing to deal with and we that transition lose far more than we should, but that is the price we pay to live happy with our true self. Time does not make Dysphoria easier to live with, just the opposite. The decision has to be yours and it is hard, but do you have any less of a privilege to live as the true you than others? The answer is no. You should be allowed to be YOU and others who love you should understand that and support you in your journey. I am going to use a story from my Paramedic days which still haunts me to this day. A woman (former model) was burned over 90% of her body third degree when a gasoline tanker exploded on Hwy 69 South of McAlester. It disfigured her forever horribly. Her husband loved her enough to stay with her and support her. You are going through a far less horrible transition not of your own fault so shouldn't your true loved ones stay with you as well? This is extreme I know, but it is the very same thing. Acceptance of your loved one no matter what they look like. I hope this example is adequate. 

Oh my...

Thought provoking to say the least

Thanks dear

The journey is possible with a partner who is willing to talk it all out and you both make adjustments that will keep you happy.
Compromise is ok, but it is a compromise in the end.
The ability to be able to make the adjustments needed is a true test of a person.
Not unlike what Jessica just expressed as well.
Adjusting to be happy or compromising to be happy?
Adjustments are easier to change as time goes on, compromise has to be renegotiated to change.
It's a difficult road either way. I would ask her about just how you two could make adjustments, rather than compromises.
In the long run, which is what you are looking at, if a decision has to be made, that is the first decision to make.
She has to make the same decision, to look into herself as well, to define her very core, as you have to as well.
It's not a simple question and there isn't a simple answer.
Everything has a value to it in it's own way. You need to know what those values are, what they are worth.
You need to find the things that have a value worth keeping and those to which you can adjust to being without.
Compromises inherently have very little value, as they usually lose it in the long term.
Ativan

Quote from: Ativan Prescribed on June 27, 2014, 10:24:32 PM
Compromises inherently have very little value, as they usually lose it in the long term.

Kudo's Ativan! Very true. 

The answers came, in a dream, in a push  back from the wife, and in authenticity, as if I had been prepped for this.

Authentically, I must be true to myself and my family.  I must also be true to trans and to my non binary nature.

It is an ethical and political statement that I am outwardly gender queer.

The dream was that my Camaro did not have its emergency brakes on and rolled into my wifes car.

Anyway, the beard will stay, and the long hair.  And I will not yeild who i am to physical dysphoria.

Enjoy my friends.

SJ

Sorry that I have been late to respond.  I don't think you have to regard this a binary decision.  You can shave in the next few days as agreed with your SO, you can decline to shave and stay where you currently are, or you can wait until you speak with your therapist and converse with your SO to decide what is best for you.

I think that the third option makes most sense as you don't sound as though you are really sure whether your  SO is really comfortable with you shaving or felt compelled to offer this and therefore reluctantly approved same.  Also you sound as though you are not sure if shaving is a good thing to do at this time.   Either way further conversation at home and with your therapist seems to make sense.

Just my thoughts.  This is your journey.

Safe travels and be safe

Aisla

Welcome responses from all.

I am ok maintaining the status quo, and the short hair still looks fine.  The beard I can overlook

There are more gains to having the stability than in giving more to the physical dsyphoric side.

And on the resentment side, I still own the maleness, I am comfortable with the fluidity.  So why would I push it.

The dream was the camaro not having the brakes set, and sliding into my wifes car putting it into a ditch.

The meaning is clear.  The camaro is a symbol of self will and forcing my will on my wife, that is how I got that car.

The facial hair and the male presentation neck up has always been my emergency brake.  My safety net.  She still percieves the person she married.  Neck down I have had a full transition less the ops.  Already.  And I don't have to hide much of it.

I don't want to send my wife into a ditch.  I don't want self will to ruin a dream relatiship for a trans to a normal wife.

Story is done.  And I can truly be authentic, true to self, and genderqueer presenting, as I know my core well.

The comments and cautions are deeply appreciated.  I will watch out for that.

Enjoy.

Personally, I'm happier minus the beard, and can deal with shortish hair.

My SO has always known me clean shaven, and realised early on how much I hated shaving, how much it irritated my skin, and how little I had.  I couldn't grow a goatee, let alone a moustache.

I went off and started electro, and she's been more than happy to avoid beard burn, and in fact gets annoyed with regrowth stubble stabbing her in the face.

SJ, it's a case of sorting out what is acceptable for one another and coming together so to speak.  I finally had a few uninterrupted hours with my SO, and it's more than reinforced to me that the cost of transition is too high for me.  I'm at a happy place right now, even though there is that morbid curiosity about how I would look if I went all the way...

It will be interesting to see if this was a compromise or and adjustment.  I don't really know.  I do know what works and what has been the status quo.  What is safe in the relationship.

I also realized like thunder that all I need to do is shave and I am full transition presentationally, clothes or not.  My face has fine features.  The impact would be heavy indeed, across the boards, for her, for me and on my dysphoria.

That is not my goal, to fully transition.  I want to remain dual natured, dual yet one.

I am at peace with GQ.  My next meeting with the therapist will be interesting, and resentments and the potential for them will be first order of business.

If it was a different relationship, who knows.  But it is a very close one instead, one that I will not harm.

Blessings and love to all here.  The comments are most appreciated.  Not much adjustment either since it simple maintains where the boundary has been.  The hair, I can live without, I have a wig for when it gets to be too much.  Not really what I want, but its what I need to do.  Otherwise I compromise who I am ethically, as a husband, and even as a person who is born DES TS.

There is some dysphoric discomfort, but it is manageable and will fade.  Presentationally I prefer to be male in the workplace anyway, just with the nails, and if anyone asks, they will hear the truth, which will help other trans too.

Satinjoy. I am non op nonbinary M2F with no HRT. I just have to say that I have long hair and absolutely hate facial hair. I kept a goatee for the better part of a year a couple of years ago. One word of advice on getting rid of the beard if you go that route, do it a little bit at a time. Trim real short and scruffy and let the skin underneath get used to the air. And even then after I shaved it all off, my face where the hair was was screwed up for a week after and ultra sensitive. Utter misery.

I think you are making much too much of this beard. It is more status quo for men to not have beards. Now that you have short hair, if you shaved, your face would perfectly match the men's dress code of many corporations. You are also making a wrong assumption that by shaving your beard it will be a full transition. Shaved beards just don't look that way, I can't shave close enough that I don't have some beard shadow, if I attempt to by doing numerous passes against the grain, then I still have some beard shadow and red razor burn in the shape of a beard. You need either laser or electrolysis to totally get rid of beard shadow. If you actually want beard shadow, go with the grain with a cheap razor and you will definitely have it.

Have you considered shaving during the week, but doing the stubble thing on the weekends? Or, if your job would allow it, doing the stubble thing during the week, and shaving on Friday night?

Actually, it no longer matters... I came to full acceptance and released it, so it is all ok.  I have let go....
And many thanks again for all the input and concerns.

Love to all of us

On vacation tonight and off forum till the 15th.