Not sure if I'm posting this in the right place/if there's already an existing thread for it, so please let me know if so.
With that out of the way, this is my first post here so salutations are in order. I found this forum while looking up information on hair removal products and it looks pretty active and very friendly, so I look forward to talking with and getting to know you all! I registered in the hopes of receiving a bit of guidance from people who have been where I'm at first hand, but if fate will have it so, I'll stick around and end up being able to do the same or more for others.
To start off, I'm a 28 year old male who's contemplating his gender and considering experimentation w/ cross-dressing and perhaps eventually making the MTF transition. It started maybe a week ago when I had a dream about having undergone what I would have then referred to as a "sex change", although I have since learned that SRS is the correct term... it was unusual for me, both in that it was a very warm/happy/fuzzy dream and that it was one I remembered fairly vividly for the whole day even with a bunch of other stuff going on. It's been a couple days and although I don't remember the dream vividly anymore, it's very much been lingering in my mind and occupying a significant chunk of my brain's idle time along with recollections of events in my past that are inspiring many questions about my future.
I've done a bit of research since then and have, of course, gotten hit upside the fact with a reality check on how long and intensive the process is. Despite this, it still intrigues me greatly, but at the same time I am not without doubts as to whether or not making the transition would be the right choice for me. The reason I wanted to get some feedback is because I am also acutely aware that many of the reservations I am feeling may be ingrained indoctrination vis a vis societal norms/the gender binary concept.
I'll try to make this as short as possible, but I'd like to attempt to summarize some of these events/feelings and would greatly value any feedback that any of you fine folk care to offer... going to use a list format for brevity and keep things in more or less chronological order. So, here goes:
- Some of my earliest memories are of cross-dressing in my sister's clothes... to this day I have pictures of myself as a child in both at least 2-3 garments of hers, including a pink tutu, a dress and I believe there's another of me in a skirt of hers.
- When I was very young, almost certainly less than 10 for sure, I also was so enamored with American Girl dolls (also thanks to my sister) that I insisted on getting one of my own (Molly, for the curious
) for either my birthday or Christmas.
- At pretty much no point in school have I ever really "fit in" with other males, with a handful of exceptions. This included being bullied/beaten up up until about 10th/11th grade for a wide swath of reasons. In hindsight I realize a lot of this was likely them "externalizing" their own frustrations/insecurities, but I still find myself having a hard time identifying with males.
- I've always had strong connections with females, much stronger than other males. This started with my mom and sister, but continued on with my aunts and female cousins all the way through friendships, work relationships and even how comfortable I feel interacting with strangers.
- Likely at least to some measure due to the above, I've always been a strong believer in the idea that gender cannot and should not be the deciding factor in a person's societal role/job/etc... especially when it comes to women being able to be physically/mentally strong, leaders, people of import etc...
- Like many in my generation, I am a fan of video games, RPGs in particular. 9 times out of 10, if the game allows customization of the player's character, I'll opt for a female. I always thought it was more a matter of wanting a hot ass to look at instead of some dude, but at the same time there has been a part of that reasoning that has always felt like an excuse.
- I had another cross-dressing experience in high school where I ended up spending most of the day at a Warped Tour wearing a pink bikini top from one of the merch booths. It was part of a deal to get a female friend to wear it who I had some chemistry with, but although that didn't pan out I still had fun with it and remember it fondly.
- I've always felt that the female form was infinitely more desirable, being especially dubious of body hair, genitals and the overall male body shape in the region surrounding the genitals.
- When it comes to sexual preference, especially in porn, minimal or entirely absent male presence is ideal for me.
- Also of note re: sexual preferences/porn... especially stills/drawings of females in the nude and being intimate/sensual but not sexual in the moment portrayed, I have had strong feelings of "venus envy" in the sense that I felt a desire to be one of the females... not just myself in her place, but actually be one of the females pictured or at least *a* female in that scenario.
So that's all the stuff I can think of right now pushing me in favor of cross-dressing and potentially making the MTF transition, but there's also a few things creating resistance/hesitation in my mind. For one thing, despite likely being nuetral/feminine leaning on the gender spectrum, I can't say I've experienced sex/gender dysphoria in the same way it's described in the trans resources I have read so far. I would readily swap my male genitalia for female jiggly bits and would happily opt for significantly less/no body hair, but I can't say I experience "revulsion", per se, in regards to my male body. Despite my lack of enthusiasm about my body hair, I have a somewhat impressive beard that I'm somewhat proud of. That said, I feel that the vast majority of men look significantly better with at least some amount of facial hair, so that's not necessarily me wanting it for myself so much as wanting it for my male body. On top of that, I realize that the gender transition has a fair amount of chance/unpredictability involved, FFS can only do so much and bone structure is pretty much there to stay. I certainly wouldn't want to end up having my face scream "plastic surgery" even if were to allow me to pass as female with flying colors. That said, there are several more androgynous/slightly masculine-leaning females I know of that I wouldn't mind similar to, such as the actors that play Brienne (Game of Thrones), Eli (the Norweigan version of Let the Right One In from 2008) or Ziva (NCIS), so not being able to completely rid myself of masculine features isn't a complete deal-breaker for me on the aesthetic level.
The other issue creating some conflict is my general stance on LGBTQ issues, and what role I could play in them. I've had an interest in sex/gender/LGBTQ issues since I discovered the topic in high school, although despite the sparks of trans-dom in my personal life thus far they weren't "personal" issue for me. In fact, I've held sex as a deciding factor for one's societal role/possibilities in life in such low esteem for so long that up until I had that dream I have to admit I was largely stumped by gender/trans issues. I could understand the hardships of those who had chosen to undergo the transition, of course, and certainly wished them all the best, but until it became personal I hadn't encountered a facet of the issue that made it all click, and didn't "get" what the fuss was on either side of the issue. I was blinded by my hard-won self-confidence as a member of the male sex that I couldn't personally comprehend what would drive a person to undergo that transition. Then that dream hit, and the idea of it just seemed so right and I was so happy in the dream that I was pretty bummed about having to wake up... so now I not only understand it, but I understand it on a personal level. That said, I also understand the way the world still largely views LGBTQ people and issues and that power distribution is overwhelmingly still stacked against the cause, despite all the progress made in recent years. Given my uncertainty regarding whether transitioning is right for me, the thought has also crossed my mind that I could potentially be a more effective ally to the cause as a straight male with feminine leanings rather than a trans woman attracted to other women in regards to my corporeal self.
..so... that ended up being way longer than I intended. It's late so I'm going to post it this way for now, but I might come back and try to edit it for length later. At any rate, thank you to anyone who slogged through all of that, especially if you still have the energy left to provide any input with. I plan to experiment with cross-dressing to see what effect that has on my thoughts, but once again, I'd love to hear anything you all have to offer since experience is usually the best teacher and I can only assume that practically all of you have been just about where I'm at now.
