Totally unexpected outcomes going on here. Wanted to check in, say thank you to everyone here, and to let anyone that is curious know that I am doing ok.
As to physical dysphoria, it is at a low presentationally, the environment is way less hostile than I had perceived it, maybe because I finally accepted myself, stopped worrying about hiding, and just started enjoying without attempting the male female thing. There has been some interesting fluidity on the streets of NY here on vacation, the male side went into hyperdrive protection mode. But generally all this therapy and posting and friendship here seem to have made some kind of fundamental shift in comfort zones. Nails that were left all broke off but I was building something, duh, and I have just generally been having a good time. The hardest thing has been keeping my pantlegs from riding up the calf and exposing my legs. Though at this point I am so sick of hiding and refuse to buy into negativity that I really don't care too much.
So I let go and let the body language say whatever it wants and I just comfortably am fitting in. Outed myself more with my nephew so now he knows it all and I have the one major support person in the family. Since he came out as gay, everyone else seems to have mellowed, and instead of the neanderthal thing, it has actually been a good time. Felt really awkward for a couple of hours before our party, but eventually that mellowed out. I just felt a little lonely being the only non male non female in the crowd. Then I danced my butt off and discovered that I have some new moves.... oh my.... but nobody figured anything out and the laughter was genuine. Some of that Broadway dance training stays in the muscle memory I guess, though I never did dance on Broadway, just regional theater and a lot of it. The show I was in where I did dance in rehearsal closed before opening, a classic scenario here.
But it has been a fascinating lesson in just being, in observing the rigid male female roleplay and clearly understanding that I fit neither of those models, and any doubts I have had, or hesitations, about my non binary identity and not wanting to be totally female have been flatly and definitely answered. It is not for me, except physically and hormonally non surgically, and that played down socially as a private thing.
Rambling. But the message to those I care for so much here on the board is that the self examination and ongoing therapy is evidently well worth it, good choices based on truth are really freeing, and there's nothing wrong with this social fluidity that allows you to go anywhere any time and know who you are, while being truly free.
And in my heart I carry an entire forum of binary and non binary dear ones that I hope and pray are having a positive experience as we all carry on as truly unique individuals in a rather strange world. I just want you all to find happiness in who you are.
Love to all here, Satinjoy is doing ok and getting some rest before going back to the battles of the business world, which unfortunately I have been losing. That is another matter, and a scary one.
Enjoy my dear friends. Give yourselves a big hug for you have made a difference in my ability to live without fear of being trans anymore.
Huge, that one.
Off forum again. I have a rule that my obsession with the forum must not take time away from the wife and kids.
Nails broken, hair off, facial hair on (it will stay, it has to -- but now that is my choice and not forced, which is freeing), but who I am is not compromised, as strange as that may sound being stealthy at the moment. I just don't need the drama or the aggravation, its about family joy and rest.
I can doll up again later when I get back in something flowing and soft with my hair back on. The nails will come back. A more jarring presentation with the short hair. Oh well. My own statement I guess against gender conformity.
Thank God for the genderqueer posts, the support, and those fabulous videos showing me I am not alone. Just me being real.
Enjoy dear ones, blessings and love from the big city. Into the wild tomorrow, chatting with parents, having a heart to heart with my father who has funded the hormones and knows the entire deal about DES, and who I am. Incredible. Could not have dreamed that would be possible.
Blessings and Joy. See ya in a week or so, unless I can get online again for a quick dive in, making sure you are all ok and thriving.
