Well not quite as good as last week but still heading in the right direction, and finally under 160 lbs!! (just lol). In other news, I have my first endo appointment on Monday morning after my therapists referral, fingers crossed it all goes well.. And congratulations to all of you out there putting so much effort in

Age: 30
Height: 6'1" (185 cm)
Goal weight: approx. 143 lb (65 kg)


            23/05/14  -  186 lb  (84.4 kg)   
            01/06/14  -  172 lb  (78.1 kg)...............hip: 38.0"    waist: 29.5" 
            06/06/14  -  169 lb  (76.8 kg)...............hip: 38.0"    waist: 29.0"         
            13/06/14  -  167 lb  (75.7 kg)...............hip: 38.0"    waist: 28.5"           
            20/06/14  -  167 lb  (75.6 kg)...............hip: 37.5"    waist: 28.5"     
            27/06/14  -  161 lb  (73.2 kg)...............hip: 37.5"    waist: 28.0"

Today: 04/07/14  -  159.6 lb  (72.4 kg)...............hip: 37.5"    waist: 28.0"

Well, here are today's results:

Height: 5ft, 5 in. NOTE: I cut January and February's numbers in order to shorten my post a bit.
7/14/2014 NOTE: Most February and March removed to save space and shorten post. Feb. 21st left for reference.
2/21/2014 120 lbs.
4/02/2014 On Vacation!
4/11/2012 117 lb's
4/18/2014 118 lb's
4/25/2014 117 lb's
5/02/2014 118 lb's
5/09/2014 117 lb's.
5/16/2014 117 lb's
5/23/2014 118 lb's.
5/30/2014 117 lb's.
6/06/2014 117 lb's.
6/13/2014 118 lb's.
6/20/2014 117 lb's.
6/27/2014 116 lb's.
7/04/2014 118 lb's.

And this Friday, 7/11/2014, 117 lb's.

So no change. I think I've plateau'ed and am going to have to change either my eating habits, my physical activity routine, or both if I want to reach my goal of 110 lb's.

Ally

I have totally hit a wall. Not going up or down in any direction... Argggg... Frustrating!

Quote from: Veronica M on July 11, 2014, 09:51:43 PM
I have totally hit a wall. Not going up or down in any direction... Argggg... Frustrating!

I know the feeling. Though I haven't that much left to lose I can assure you it's every bit as frustrating as if I had a lot left. We've had rain, and rain, and more rain for the most part of straight through the last 6 weeks. This type of weather keeps me inside a lot thus cutting down on the amount of physical activity I get each day.

I have my fingers crossed for the both of us we'll beat this plateau soon.

Ally

Ally, I was where you are, for most of my young adult life.. I was 108lbs all thru high school, didn't break 120 until I was 24yrs old.  I could eat anything, and everything and not gain a pound.. my lunches were at least a single Big Mac (usually two), fries and a coke..  I was 124lbs when I got married at 26yrs old..  When I turned 40.. well, then it began.. my heaviest, abt 4yrs ago.. 168.. I'm now btwn 153 and 158.. depends how much coffee I've had in the morning 

I'd really do just about anything (um, except exercise), to try to get down to 150 or less.. I'm 5' 10, my arms and wrists are still slim, my thighs, eh, they have gotten bigger, calves too.  I really would like my fingers to get slimmer.  I have not really studied my face for changes, or neck for size.. I haven't really been alone at home enough to grab the tape measure to check, I haven't in at least two months, but my bust is -definitely- bigger.  Yeah, not really had a chance to study my changes.. maybe, if I haven't noticed, my family hasn't either.. a good thing.. for when they do.. Hiroshima will seem like a 4th of July roadside fireworks stand fountain..   

I'm pretty sure, I could just blindly post, and repost.. 154lbs one day, 156 the next, and 153 the next.. that's really all it would change.. ok, might go up to abt 159, but after.. uh.. coffee.. or.. some peaches.. I'd be back down to normal weight.. 154-ish.. guess the lots of water I drink helps there too.

Quote from: Paula Christine on July 12, 2014, 12:05:51 AM
I'm pretty sure, I could just blindly post, and repost.. 154lbs one day, 156 the next, and 153 the next.. that's really all it would change.. ok, might go up to abt 159, but after.. uh.. coffee.. or.. some peaches.. I'd be back down to normal weight.. 154-ish.. guess the lots of water I drink helps there too.

I don't just blindly post. I have a new digital scale and do weigh myself every Friday morning (when I first get up is the best time for me). This thread has become sort of a ritual for some of us. For me, that, and also a way to monitor my progress, or lack thereof, as I work toward a goal weight of 108-110 lb's. Also, I only post here on Fridays.

Even at what others consider an ideal weight for me, I still have a little tummy. It makes me look like I'm a teen (I'm tiny built) in her early stages of pregnancy, lol! (hey, it's just the best way to describe it). This on me is always the very last thing to go, I dunno why, but it is. Losing the last 8-10 lb's I know will get rid of it. Hey, at my age I need all the help I can get, lol!

I know some prolly think i'm nuts at my weight to post here. But like others here I am working toward a goal. I hope that helps explain why with only 8-10 lb's left to lose I still post here.

Ally

omg, no, I didn't mean you do, oh, please, I'm sorry Ally, no, didn't mean you at all.. I meant, I could, as my weight isn't really going where I want it to either.  If I could break 150lbs, like even 149.9, I would just sit down and cry!  3-4 lousy pounds, is all I need, but it would take a lot, to get me there.  The work I do, it just isnt easy at all to eat right.

<---  and as an O blood type..  salads, leafy greens, and me.. we just don't get along.  O's don't do well with agrarian-type foods.  O's are carnivores.. A's, B's are agrarians, farmers, vegetarian-based..  so, while burgers, or chicken sammiches are not that healthy, or weight-conscious, they are usually cheaper than a grilled chicken salad in the concourses.  If ou haven't read it, pick up Peter Adamo's,  Eat Right For Your Type.  it's a diet book that works with your body chemistry (blood type).. it's excellent!

In agreement with some comments above, this is a rather good wee thread! For me it really does have far more affect on my diet discipline than it should lol. I would have posted already this week, I had a really great Friday morning result, but I'd gone up a little this morning (Saturday morning here in NZ -we're 12-20 hours ahead here than where most posters on this site hail from, when I usually post on this thread). So I'll see how I go tomorrow morning to make sure it was/wasn't water or whatever, and put my number up then. The good news is my waist just keeps shrinking, 27 inches (loose tape) now, and at 6'1" that's not to bad, hips are still 37.5 inches (loose tape) and only one week HRT now. I just wish my face wasn't so nasty.. there is potential, but definitely surgery territory (really long nose - I hate it!!).
It's good to see how others are going too Its just a nice gradual but easily quantifiable thing to work towards while you wait for your chance  for HRT, or once you're on it, while you wait for it to do its thang..

Quote from: Paula Christine on July 12, 2014, 01:20:28 AM
omg, no, I didn't mean you do, oh, please, I'm sorry Ally, no, didn't mean you at all.. I meant, I could, as my weight isn't really going where I want it to either.  If I could break 150lbs, like even 149.9, I would just sit down and cry!  3-4 lousy pounds, is all I need, but it would take a lot, to get me there.  The work I do, it just isnt easy at all to eat right.

I'm so sorry I didn't mean for you to think I was implying anything either, gosh no. I just thought it about time I let people in on why I'm not satisfied with 117-118 lb's, and why I want to be around 108-110.

Yea I know what you mean all too well concerning those last few pounds not wanting to come off, and how stubborn they can in fact be. Too much rain where I live has kept me inside most days which limits my physical activity drastically. This is what I feel is hurting me right now.

<---  and as an O blood type..  salads, leafy greens, and me.. we just don't get along.  O's don't do well with agrarian-type foods.  O's are carnivores.. A's, B's are agrarians, farmers, vegetarian-based..  so, while burgers, or chicken sammiches are not that healthy, or weight-conscious, they are usually cheaper than a grilled chicken salad in the concourses.  If ou haven't read it, pick up Peter Adamo's,  Eat Right For Your Type.  it's a diet book that works with your body chemistry (blood type).. it's excellent!

My blood type is AB-, While I dunno if that makes me a carnivore or a rabbit (I hate salads by the way), I don't eat red meat. Only poultry, dairy, and fish with some fruit and a few grains such as cereals, some bread (but not much!), pretty much makes up the staple of my daily dietary needs. Oh and I take a good women's multi and a good hair, skin, and nails multi plus krill oil every day, to supplement the nutrients I'm not getting from vegetables (I'm allergic to vegetable proteins). Believe it or not the vitamins I take make a big difference with regard to my hair, skin, and nail health. I try to keep my total caloric intake at or below 1,450 per day (again, I'm tiny and eating more will only make me look more bloated.).

I hope that explains things a little better.

Best wishes!

Ally

Ok, I was worried you thot I might be ranting abt posting weights.  I'm not at all!

AB types are most agrarian based body chemistry.. so sounds like you're on the right path.. interestingly enough most people don't know their blood type.  But I'd suggest the book anyway. There is also a Cook book that goes with it, Cook Right For Your Type.  I know either could help someone out there.

Quote from: Paula Christine on July 12, 2014, 09:00:19 AM
Ok, I was worried you thot I might be ranting abt posting weights.  I'm not at all!

AB types are most agrarian based body chemistry.. so sounds like you're on the right path.. interestingly enough most people don't know their blood type.  But I'd suggest the book anyway. There is also a Cook book that goes with it, Cook Right For Your Type.  I know either could help someone out there.

Yea I meant to thank you for letting me know about the book. I do sincerely intend to check it out. I'll look for the cookbook too when I find Eat Right for Your Type. I just got so entrenched on wording things the right way I forgot to thank you so, thanks for the book Paula!

Hopefully, you and I will break our dietary stalemate soon.

Ally

196.7  a bit stagnant

Interesting you mention the 'Eat Right for Your Type Book', I've also read that, around 8 years ago now I think. I'm O neg, so it was protein, fat and collard greens for me lol, with not much in the way of dairy or grain. I'm not sure how much difference it made, I was always slim, healthy and athletic before, but it did seem to agree with me and I felt quite good. However I didn't keep it up and I was still fine lol.

I'm now on the almost exact opposite diet, low fat, almost no protein, with grains, fruit and veg making up most of my diet (while maintaining a decent calorie deficit) in an effort drop muscle mass without loosing too much fat ( I have very little I can safely loose). It seems to be working very well for me too, so I guess your goal will determine your diet, however I'm not a professional..


Anyway....

age: 30
Height: 6'1" (185 cm)
Goal weight: approx. 143 lb (65 kg)


            23/05/14  -  186 lb  (84.4 kg)   
            01/06/14  -  172 lb  (78.1 kg)...............hip: 38.0"    waist: 29.5" 
            06/06/14  -  169 lb  (76.8 kg)...............hip: 38.0"    waist: 29.0"         
            13/06/14  -  167 lb  (75.7 kg)...............hip: 38.0"    waist: 28.5"           
            20/06/14  -  167 lb  (75.6 kg)...............hip: 37.5"    waist: 28.5"     
            27/06/14  -  161 lb  (73.2 kg)...............hip: 37.5"    waist: 28.0"
            04/07/14  -  160 lb  (72.4 kg)...............hip: 37.5"    waist: 28.0"

Today:  12/07/14  -  155 lb  (70.5 kg)...............hip: 37.5"    waist: 27.0"

Eat Right for your Type!! I have read that and one other blood type diet book, along with a zillion others. I will say I do think there is something to it as I do see food as having medicinal properties, however, it takes real effort. The only thing that has worked for me is coming out, as it's given me a drive and willpower I have never had in regards to my personal health. I had gone through efforts for strength training, never efforts to look like I want to as that was impossible. That is slowly changing as I read others stories of real transition. That being said, when I get negative (typically is involves a look into the mirror at the total dude looking at me I think "I can't pull this off") I slip up, kind of like this week. However, I find trying is still happening as I have found hope in others' stories. Then the camaraderie on this post that is so critical to my transition effort as it is the critical first step, is something I am so grateful for. All that said, I gained a pound, but it is mostly due to a dang injury that set me back a bit. I also had a pity party mid week and sort of sunk my chances to post a new low weight. So I am glad I am here today recharging my batteries with more hope from you all. Thank you all so much!
228.2 (103.5) on 07/11/2014 (slurpee day! Do 7 Eleven's still sell slurpees?)
227.2 (103.1) on 07/04/2014
230.3 (104.5) on 06/27/2014
232.3 (105.4) on 06/20/2014
231.9 (104. on 06/13/2014
234.4 (106.3) on 06/06/2014
237.3 (107.6) on 05/30/2014
235.8 (107.0) on 05/23/2014
Pounds (kilograms) on mm/dd/yyyy
360 (163.3)+  at my highest weight when I found out I was type II. Went to 340 (154.2) from ketosis, then with off and on half-hearted efforts over ~6 years to get to 300 (136.1) on 1/21/2014. That is when I came out to myself and started to care about living again and things became absurdly easier. My daughter attributes it to living honestly, which makes life easier in the ways that matter most.
**I am 5'9**

226.9 (102.9) on 07/18/2014
228.2 (103.5) on 07/11/2014
227.2 (103.1) on 07/04/2014
230.3 (104.5) on 06/27/2014
232.3 (105.4) on 06/20/2014
231.9 (104. on 06/13/2014
234.4 (106.3) on 06/06/2014
237.3 (107.6) on 05/30/2014
Pounds (kilograms) on mm/dd/yyyy
360 (163.3)+  at my highest weight when I found out I was type II. Went to 340 (154.2) from ketosis, then with off and on half-hearted efforts over ~6 years to get to 300 (136.1) on 1/21/2014. That is when I came out to myself and started to care about living again and things became absurdly easier. My daughter attributes it to living honestly, which makes life easier in the ways that matter most.
**I am 5'9**

Oh yeah, I almost forgot! I'm thinking about easing back on the diet, the hormones are already starting to really do their thing, so a few more calories should help the boobage and butt along hopefully : )

Age: 30
Height: 6'1" (185 cm)
Goal weight: approx. 143 lb (65 kg)


            23/05/14  -  186 lb  (84.4 kg)   
            01/06/14  -  172 lb  (78.1 kg)...............hip: 38.0"    waist: 29.5" 
            06/06/14  -  169 lb  (76.8 kg)...............hip: 38.0"    waist: 29.0"         
            13/06/14  -  167 lb  (75.7 kg)...............hip: 38.0"    waist: 28.5"           
            20/06/14  -  167 lb  (75.6 kg)...............hip: 37.5"    waist: 28.5"     
            27/06/14  -  161 lb  (73.2 kg)...............hip: 37.5"    waist: 28.0"
            04/07/14  -  160 lb  (72.4 kg)...............hip: 37.5"    waist: 28.0"
            12/07/14  -  155 lb  (70.5 kg)...............hip: 37.5"    waist: 27.0"

Today:  18/07/14  -  153 lb  (69.5 kg)...............hip: 37.0"    waist: 27.0"

Opps I almost forgot with everything that's happened to post.

Height: 5ft, 5 in. NOTE: I cut January and February's numbers in order to shorten my post a bit. Goal  weight is 108-110 lb's.
7/14/2014 NOTE: Most February and March removed to save space and shorten post. Feb. 21st left for reference.
2/21/2014 120 lbs.
4/02/2014 On Vacation!
4/11/2012 117 lb's
4/18/2014 118 lb's
4/25/2014 117 lb's
5/02/2014 118 lb's
5/09/2014 117 lb's.
5/16/2014 117 lb's
5/23/2014 118 lb's.
5/30/2014 117 lb's.
6/06/2014 117 lb's.
6/13/2014 118 lb's.
6/20/2014 117 lb's.
6/27/2014 116 lb's.
7/04/2014 118 lb's.
7/11/2014 117 lb's.

And on this past Friday, yesterday, 7/19/2014 I weighed 118 lb's.

I think I've gained a pound back. Either that or I'm holding water which could be a possibility.

Allie

How did I not know this thread was here?! 

I've been steadily losing weight since last fall...when I came out to myself.  As others have said here, that was the motivation I had lacked all along.

Age: 36
Height: 5'8"
Goal: 155

222.0 on 12/1/13
219.8 on 12/6/13
213.2 on 12/20/13
210.4 on 1/10/14
201.0 on 2/28/14
198.8 on 3/14/14
-- I lost focus for a few months here --
197.4 on 7/4/14
194.0 on 7/11/14
192.4 on 7/18/14

Not friday, I know =P

I spent the last 6 months ignoring my weight, but luckily today I realized I am still on the battle, with 67.4 kg (148.3 lbs)!

With all the junk food I was eating, I am really impressed!

Age: 27
Height: 5'6"
Goal: 60 kg (132 lbs)

09/29/13: 79.7 kg (175.3 lbs)
10/20/13: 77.6 kg (170.7 lbs)
11/21/13: 73.2 kg (161 lbs)
12/03/13: 71.6 kg (157.5 lbs)
12/30/13: 69.6 kg (153.1 lbs)
01/01/14: 67.4 kg (148.3 lbs)
02/20/14: 66.5 kg (146.3 lbs)

Stopped the diet and lost track until now =P

07/20/14: 67.4 kg (148.3 lbs)

Sorry I missed posting last week      No good reason.  My weight had gone up because I ate too much & I was embarrassed about that.

Height:  5'11" (1.81m)    -    Target Weight:  Belly not protruding over belt, which I think will be at:  165-170lbs  (75.0-77.3kg)

Date              Daily Weight            7-day Average        28-day Average 
Sun 20/Jan/2013:  202.6lbs (92.1kg)
Thu 24/Jan/2013:  190.8lbs (86.7kg)  -  199.7lbs (90.8kg)
Thu 14/Feb/2013:  190.8lbs (86.7kg)  -  192.9lbs (87.7kg)  -  196.0lbs (89.1kg)
Fri 29/Mar/2013:  182.2lbs (82.8kg)  -  184.0lbs (83.6kg)  -  184.8lbs (84.0kg)
Fri 26/Apr/2013:  177.0lbs (80.5kg)  -  177.7lbs (80.8kg)  -  180.0lbs (81.8kg)
Fri 31/May/2013:  170.0lbs (77.3kg)  -  171.8lbs (78.1kg)  -  172.7lbs (78.5kg)
Fri 28/Jun/2013:  170.6lbs (77.5kg)  -  169.3lbs (77.0kg)  -  169.5lbs (77.1kg)
Wed 31/Jul/2013:  166.0lbs (75.5kg)  -  168.6lbs (76.6kg)  -  169.5lbs (77.1kg)
Sat 10/Aug/2013:  166.6lbs (75.7kg)  -  167.8lbs (76.3kg)  -  168.8lbs (76.7kg)
Fri 30/Aug/2013:  171.4lbs (77.9kg)  -  171.3lbs (77.9kg)  -  170.4lbs (77.4kg)
Fri 27/Sep/2013:  169.8lbs (77.2kg)  -  171.3lbs (77.9kg)  -  171.1lbs (77.8kg)
Fri  1/Nov/2013:  183.6lbs (83.5kg)  -  181.2lbs (82.4kg)  -  176.2lbs (80.1kg)
Fri 22/Nov/2013:  177.4lbs (80.6kg)  -  178.0lbs (80.9kg)  -  179.1lbs (81.4kg)
Fri 27/Dec/2013:  174.8lbs (79.5kg)  -  174.5lbs (79.3kg)  -  175.8lbs (79.9kg)
Fri  3/Jan/2014:  172.4lbs (78.4kg)  -  173.8lbs (79.0kg)  -  174.8lbs (79.5kg)
Fri 10/Jan/2014:  171.0lbs (77.7kg)  -  171.6lbs (78.0kg)  -  173.7lbs (78.9kg)
Fri 17/Jan/2014:  172.6lbs (78.5kg)  -  172.9lbs (78.6kg)  -  173.2lbs (78.7kg)
Fri 24/Jan/2014:  173.4lbs (78.8kg)  -  173.1lbs (78.7kg)  -  172.9lbs (78.6kg)
Fri 31/Jan/2014:  173.4lbs (78.8kg)  -  173.3lbs (78.8kg)  -  172.7lbs (78.5kg)
Fri  7/Feb/2014:  171.8lbs (78.1kg)  -  172.1lbs (78.2kg)  -  172.8lbs (78.6kg)
Fri 14/Feb/2014:  174.6lbs (79.4kg)  -  173.7lbs (78.9kg)  -  173.0lbs (78.6kg)
Fri 21/Feb/2014:  171.6lbs (78.0kg)  -  172.5lbs (78.4kg)  -  172.9lbs (78.6kg)
Fri 28/Feb/2014:  170.2lbs (77.4kg)  -  171.3lbs (77.8kg)  -  172.4lbs (78.4kg)
Fri  7/Mar/2014:  171.4lbs (77.9kg)  -  171.9lbs (78.2kg)  -  172.4lbs (78.3kg)
Fri 14/Mar/2014:  173.4lbs (78.8kg)  -  173.6lbs (78.9kg)  -  172.3lbs (78.3kg)
Fri 21/Mar/2014:  170.8lbs (77.6kg)  -  171.9lbs (78.1kg)  -  172.2lbs (78.3kg)
Fri 28/Mar/2014:  170.0lbs (77.3kg)  -  170.9lbs (77.7kg)  -  172.1lbs (78.2kg)
Fri  4/Apr/2014:  172.4lbs (78.4kg)  -  171.9lbs (78.1kg)  -  172.1lbs (78.2kg)
Fri 11/Apr/2014:  170.6lbs (77.5kg)  -  171.3lbs (77.8kg)  -  171.5lbs (77.9kg)
Fri 18/Apr/2014:  171.0lbs (77.7kg)  -  171.9lbs (78.1kg)  -  171.5lbs (78.0kg)
Fri 25/Apr/2014:  170.2lbs (77.4kg)  -  171.1lbs (77.8kg)  -  171.5lbs (78.0kg)
Fri  2/May/2014:  171.6lbs (78.0kg)  -  170.5lbs (77.5kg)  -  171.2lbs (77.8kg)
Fri  9/May/2014:  171.0lbs (77.7kg)  -  171.4lbs (77.9kg)  -  171.2lbs (77.8kg)
Fri 16/May/2014:  170.4lbs (77.5kg)  -  170.3lbs (77.4kg)  -  170.8lbs (77.6kg)
Fri 23/May/2014:  171.4lbs (77.9kg)  -  170.5lbs (77.5kg)  -  170.7lbs (77.6kg)
Fri 30/May/2014:  170.2lbs (77.4kg)  -  169.9lbs (77.2kg)  -  170.5lbs (77.5kg)
Fri  6/Jun/2014:  170.6lbs (77.5kg)  -  171.1lbs (77.8kg)  -  170.5lbs (77.5kg)
Fri 14/Jun/2014:  170.6lbs (77.5kg)  -  170.7lbs (77.6kg)  -  170.6lbs (77.5kg)
Fri 20/Jun/2014:  167.8lbs (76.3kg)  -  169.4lbs (77.0kg)  -  170.3lbs (77.4kg)
Fri 27/Jun/2014:  167.8lbs (76.3kg)  -  168.8lbs (76.7kg)  -  170.0lbs (77.3kg)
Fri  4/Jul/2014:  166.6lbs (75.7kg)  -  168.0lbs (76.4kg)  -  169.2lbs (76.9kg)
Fri 11/Jul/2014:  170.2lbs (77.4kg)  -  169.2lbs (76.9kg)  -  168.9lbs (76.8kg)
Fri 18/Jul/2014:  169.6lbs (77.1kg)  -  169.9lbs (77.2kg)  -  169.0lbs (76.8kg)

(Rolling averages are a better indicator of progress than single data points.)

I went a little (OK, more than a little) nuts with the food over my birthday weekend & for about a week afterwards.  My 7-day average went from 168.0 to 170.1 lbs over 10-days.  I seem to have contained my appetite a bit & have managed to bring that average down to 169.3 over the last 6 days.  I have also been able to restart my 1-hour daily walks (albeit only at the weekend) after being told by my GP that the tests I had show no major issues.

Belly is back over my belt again ... guess where every bit of the weight I found went to ...   

I did hit a bit of an emotional low over the past couple of weeks also.  I got a couple of pointed reminders that I am not anywhere close to passing when I present as Tessa.  This did not make me feel very good.  I am trying to regain the comfort I had with just being me, with some success thankfully.  At this point I am basically 'out' as trans to just about everyone in my personal life here in Philly.  Only a few people at work know, and that is OK.  Back home, my parents don't want anyone to know anything, and I have been honouring their request to digest the news slowly & very privately.  I had only spoken to one old college friend & her husband about me being trans, and I do trust their integrity.  No-one else back home knows (or needs to know) yet.

Hearing of Nero's death did cause me to reconsider my own path.  I am still unsure of where exactly I am going.  I am still terrified at the thought of presenting a female self to the world instead of the male persona which has become comfortable through use & famailiarity.  Last Sunday I walked into a group of about 100 people as Tessa.  Some of the people there have known me for over a dozen years, many have known me for 6-8 years.  Not all of our interactions have been friendly (I tend to not back down from anyone when standing up for something I believe to be true, & I have a very powerful voice).  I was quaking so much before getting out of my car & walking in, that I came close to just restarting the engine & driving home.  I am very glad that I found enough courage to leave my car & walk the gauntlet of chatting people outside the meeting place. 

Since then I have been questioning that moment.  Fear is how our bodies warn us of danger.  If I am feeling this much fear, is there something I have not yet admitted to myself ?  Am I deluding myself in thinking that there is any chance that I even want to transition ?  I realise that familiar pain needs to become unbearable before the terror of uncertainty appears preferable.  I am between those two just now, and I do not know which way I should be heading.  I cannot go back to where I was.  That path holds nothing for me but despair and death.  The way forward is mostly unknown, & what little I do know is truly terrifying.  I do not know how I will find the courage to face it, or if I even should be considering trying to do so.  Where I am is a shifting sand that does not seem to afford purchase for any foundation or anchor.  I feel I cannot remain here indefinitely.  The changes are more rapid than I had anticipated.  I am not prepared. 

For now, my wife is the rock to which I have tied my anchor.  I also have many supportive friends.  I know how easily the darkness can consume me, and have taken steps to protect myself.

The Prometrium is still keeping my depression at bay.  If not, then last Sunday would have more traumatic than I could have borne.  Without the brain-fog of depression, I feel I have a chance of surviving this period of being very obviously inbetween one gender & the other.  I have even had moments where I can envision myself becoming comfortable here, twixt one gender & t'other.

Life is still good.  As of this past Friday, my wife & I have no credit card debt (from 5-figures at the end of March).  Financially, there is a little light at the end of the tunnel.  My job is going well.  The client company I am on contract with is very pro-diversity.  The company I work for does not seem to care about my gender identity (which they know about) as long as my work is good. 

Life is actually looking quite full of hope just now.  I just need to keep reminding myself that I can weather the coming storm because I do not have to do so alone.

I am not sure why I fely the need to write all this here or now.  But here it is.  I will leave it here in the "Friday weight" thread because my weight does affect how I perceive myself, and keeping some control of this one thing does help give me a little bit of courage to face everything else.  And I can use any little bit of help I can get   

Tessa