Dear Nigella,
I (and probably many in this room) can relate to what you say. I vacillate between thinking of it as a curse and thinking of it as something that just IS. I can't get excited enough about it to consider it a "blessing" regardless of what extra insight transitioning has given me. People who endure wars can appreciate life more or, contrarily, can get bogged down with post traumatic stress. Psychologists say that when you endure extreme pain, that incident can become something you "churn" about over and over. Post Traumatic stress therapists use Cognitive Therapy as the best solution -- it teaches you that it's not the incident that is so terrible but rather how you choose to think about it.
Regarding suicide, I find that when I begin thinking about it, I instantly get very sad. It can easily bring tears to my eyes. Rather than wallowing in it, though, I've come to realize that my reaction is probably good for my health -- if I'm sad at the prospect or even thought of death, that must mean that, deep down, I have a need or WILL to live.
Another aspect that tempers any suicidal thoughts I may have is the realization that, for friends and family, suicide of a loved one can be a torturing thing. So, instead of me being the only one that's tortured, my death could create a small GROUP of people what would forever wonder what they could have done or said -- they would be forever tortured. Though I may sometimes be selfish, my bottom line is that I have no desire to pass my torture to them.
Nigella, you asked if "transition or die" is a choice. Yes, it is a choice, a good choice, for many of us who choose to live. One of my favorite sayings is: "the meaning of life is find out what happens next." You'll never know what might happen if you choose death. If you're philosophical like me, curiosity will rule over self-torment. I want to see what's going to happen next...
And, of course, there's a third choice. Please don't get attached to the "transition or die" mantre that many of us in this room have expressed. There is a third obvious choice: Continue as you are and forget about all this gender stuff. People who have panic attacks are sometimes told to just concentrate on OTHER things around them, a table, a chair, a shoreline, a tree.
Life is not just inside us but is OUTSIDE us, too.
Looking carefully at the wonder/miracle of nature can be a calming thing. Sometimes, NOT transitioning can be the best choice. When you're transitioning, it can become an all-consuming thing. After transitioning, if you're like me, you'll say, "Okay, now that's done. Now what?" You can't keep obssessing over gender forever because you've crossed the bridge. You've checked it off. You have to find OTHER THINGS to do.
You can go directly to the OTHER THINGS and skip the transitioning stuff. It's a perfectly acceptable third choice. Remember, Cognitive Therapy teaches us YOU control how YOU think about something traumatic. The trauma should not control you.
Teri Anne
