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Failing Health

Started by Alainaluvsu, July 16, 2014, 04:39:27 PM

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Miyuki

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on July 16, 2014, 05:24:17 PM
Let's say this is MS (which I think it is, regardless of the MRI). MS costs up to $70,000 a year to treat. I have enough trouble getting a job as a disabled transsexual. Add on to that my mom is retiring soon and I am her only child. She's counting on me to help her with retirement. How in the **** am I suppose to do that? There's no way I could work right now. I'm falling asleep every couple hours.

But you don't know it's MS, and what if it's not? You could be avoiding treatment for something that is completely curable! If you're worried about the cost of treatment, you should have no trouble getting into some sort of government medical assistance program. I am currently enrolled in Minnesota's Medical Assistance program due to my complete lack of income, and all my health care expenses are paid for nearly 100%. Things have changed a lot since the Affordable Care Act was passed.

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on July 16, 2014, 05:48:42 PM
I know medical professionals couldn't care less. It's not about them not caring. I just do not want to be seen by anybody. I can't even bring myself to be naked around men that are in to me. The hospital I'd go to have seen many transsexuals and they're pretty whatever about the topic.  It's not about what they think, it's personal discomfort and disgust with myself that it'll bring. I'm not embarrassed about it as much as I just hate my body THAT much.

...I don't know what to tell you then. If your dysphoria is so bad you would rather die than have someone see you naked, it just sounds to me like you're being completely irrational and selfish. People have to do horrible humiliating things all the time to survive. But they do them, because there are things in life that they value enough to make even the worst of humiliations seem irrelevant by comparison. If you just want to die then fine, but don't try to tell me it's just because you can't deal with a few people seeing you naked, because I'm not nearly stupid enough to believe that's really all there is to it.
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Alainaluvsu

My mother and I are very close. TBH I've always thought that if she and my cat weren't alive, I'd have no reason to live and would probably not still be here.

She knows as much as I do, but I haven't told her about this latest episode. I know it's selfish, but when I'm gone, why would it bother me? Chances are I'll probably go tomorrow because I'll be sick of suffering. But this just sucks. I've cried myself to the point of not caring anymore. This can't happen to me.

Yes, money is another object. I live in Louisiana. This state couldn't care less about anybody that lives in it. Also, so what if I'm selfish? What good can I do anymore, anyways?
To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are.



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Miyuki

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on July 16, 2014, 06:25:19 PM
My mother and I are very close. TBH I've always thought that if she and my cat weren't alive, I'd have no reason to live and would probably not still be here.

I'm pretty sure the only reason I never killed myself (or at least tried), is because of my brother. We've always been really close, and without each other's support, I don't think either one of us would have survived as long as we have. Sometimes all it really takes to make life worth living is to have one other person who really needs you. What's wrong with that?

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on July 16, 2014, 06:25:19 PMShe knows as much as I do, but I haven't told her about this latest episode. I know it's selfish, but when I'm gone, why would it bother me? Chances are I'll probably go tomorrow because I'll be sick of suffering. But this just sucks. I've cried myself to the point of not caring anymore. This can't happen to me.

I'm sure it wouldn't bother you when you're gone. Dying is always the easy answer. The reason you choose to live isn't because it's easy, it's because there are things in life that can make the more difficult path the one worth traveling. You just need to stay focused what those things are for you.

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on July 16, 2014, 06:25:19 PM
Yes, money is another object. I live in Louisiana. This state couldn't care less about anybody that lives in it. Also, so what if I'm selfish? What good can I do anymore, anyways?

That depends entirely on you. But I can at least promise you it will be more good than you can do by just giving up and dying.

Edit: Oh, and look at this site. It was the first result on the Google Search page for "Louisiana medical assistance".
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Alainaluvsu

Quote from: Miyuki on July 16, 2014, 06:38:06 PM
I'm pretty sure the only reason I never killed myself (or at least tried), is because of my brother. We've always been really close, and without each other's support, I don't think either one of us would have survived as long as we have. Sometimes all it really takes to make life worth living is to have one other person who really needs you. What's wrong with that?

When I can't do anything for them anyways?

Quote from: Miyuki on July 16, 2014, 06:38:06 PM
I'm sure it wouldn't bother you when you're gone. Dying is always the easy answer. The reason you choose to live isn't because it's easy, it's because there are things in life that can make the more difficult path the one worth traveling. You just need to stay focused what those things are for you.

I'm so done with this life. I don't think there's anything else I can learn from it. If I'm wrong, so what?

Quote from: Miyuki on July 16, 2014, 06:38:06 PM
That depends entirely on you. But I can at least promise you it will be more good than you can do by just giving up and dying.

I wish I could believe you.
To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are.



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Evelyn K

Hey Alaina, we talked about this, wow. Things moved fast. I think the ER is your best bet, you'll get triaged and sent for appropriate work ups. Let them know you "haven't received your Obama Care credentials in the mail yet" to see if that takes care of things in the meantime.

As for the dysphoria in front of health care providers, these are doctors of the human body and condition, and have seen it all. Please force your dysphoria aside and get your health back and get assessed now. I'd really like to hang with you someday.
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Miyuki

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on July 16, 2014, 06:44:50 PM
When I can't do anything for them anyways?

I'm so done with this life. I don't think there's anything else I can learn from it. If I'm wrong, so what?

I wish I could believe you.

What can you do? You can do exactly as much with the rest of your life as anyone else could with the amount of time you have left (however long that is). If that's not enough, then here, this is what I plan on doing if I end up in a situation where I know I will be dying soon: http://www.alcor.org/

But how about taking things one step at a time, okay? Right now what you need to do, is look at this page, and get yourself examined by a neurologist as soon as you possibly can. You can decide what is and isn't worth living for when you actually know what it is you're up against.
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AnneB

I have but one question for you...

Who will care for Mom?  With you gone, who will watch over her? Who will be there for her if you aren't.  How will she go on if she loses you?  Do you know how angry and hurt she will be if she learns you "just didn't want to..." anymore?   

Ok.. That's like.. 2, maybe 2 1/2 questions.. but if you love her, you have to be there for her.  Put yer big panties on and take care of yourself so you can be there for her.
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Shantel

Alainaluvsu, this is the first I've found out about your situation, I read through the entire thread and all I can say is that you know that I care for you a lot as do many others and frankly I want to say that I had you pegged as a can-do type of gal and not a drama queen looking for attention, get your cute little butt to the ER and deal with it. If you just continue this poor me stuff and lay around until it takes you down you shouldn't expect anyone to feel sorry for you. Sorry baby, you're sweet but this is definitely not cool!
A little tough love from Auntie Shan xoxo
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Miss_Bungle1991

Quote from: birkin on July 16, 2014, 05:42:53 PM
Alaina, please consider going to the hospital. I promise you that I share that very same fear, of being seen pre-op, but for the most part medical professionals are compassionate and discreet if there is a sensitive situation like this. I realize it will be embarrassing and uncomfortable for you, but your life is worth that temporary discomfort.

I agree with this. Get to the hospital. On one hand, I can understand how you feel. I'm pre-op myself (and will always be as such). But if I have a serious health issue, I'm not going to let that stop from getting the help that I need. I remember when I went in to have my tonsils taken out (obviously something MUCH less serious) and the nurse asked me when I had my last period. I told her that I was trans, so that didn't apply to me. She walked out of the room and sent in a different nurse. I didn't give a damn. I just wanted what I needed to be done and over with so I could go home.
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Alainaluvsu

Quote from: Shantel on July 16, 2014, 07:12:26 PM
Alainaluvsu, this is the first I've found out about your situation, I read through the entire thread and all I can say is that you know that I care for you a lot as do many others and frankly I want to say that I had you pegged as a can-do type of gal and not a drama queen looking for attention, get your cute little butt to the ER and deal with it. If you just continue this poor me stuff and lay around until it takes you down you shouldn't expect anyone to feel sorry for you. Sorry baby, you're sweet but this is definitely not cool!
A little tough love from Auntie Shan xoxo

You know what, you're right. I'm done trying to get emotional help from people. It's obvious that it's impossible to find some coping mechanism for this. Y'all wont hear from me any more about it.
To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are.



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Kylie

I'm going to come at this from a different angle because i can see why you feel the way you do, and I have many of the same feelings myself.  Chances are, what you have is not terminal, but could end up causing further permanent debilitation if left untreated. What then?  Things are worse and you are still alive facing people taking care of you, you not being able to help your mom and many more trips to the hospital you don't want to go to now.  You may have to be changed for the rest of your life.  Few illness or conditions are going to kill you quickly, but many can leave you permanently functioning at a lower level than you were before.

I have no affinity for life, trust me, but the only thing worse that I can think of than my current life, is my current life without full function and loss of independence. I can't imagine you do not feel the same.

Please go get treated
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RockerGirl

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on July 16, 2014, 07:16:44 PM
You know what, you're right. I'm done trying to get emotional help from people. It's obvious that it's impossible to find some coping mechanism for this. Y'all wont hear from me any more about it.
The only thing we want to hear is that you went to get checked out and they found out what is going on and your getting treated and you'll be fine! Nobody here wants to hear about anything bad happening to you girl!;)
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muffinpants

Hun, I cannot IMAGINE what you are going through... it has to be terrifying. Please don't give up this way, though. You really need medical attention asap. I know it's still difficult, but the medical community has seen it all before. It shouldn't shock them or confuse them, and even though I can't understand your issue, I must say you should not be ashamed. There is nothing wrong with being trans. I know you said you are disgusted by yourself, but flesh is flesh, and life is life. It is too important to throw away. Especially when your mind is clouded by so much stress. If you want to pick this battle, save it for another day when you aren't suffering, when you are clearheaded and able to make a rational decision. I think it's obvious that many of us would miss your smiling face if it were to leave, so please, reconsider making a trip to the hospital today.
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Nicolette

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on July 16, 2014, 06:44:50 PM
When I can't do anything for them anyways?
Sometimes, it's not what we think we can't do that matters. There are many joys we bring to others, and it's not so much the obvious ones that count.

Quote
I'm so done with this life. I don't think there's anything else I can learn from it. If I'm wrong, so what?
The longer I live, the less I seem to know. I reckon by the time I'm done with it, I will know less about it than I started! And not due to senility. :laugh:

BTW, "people" will not be going to see you naked. They will always strive to keep your decency.
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Evelyn K

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on July 16, 2014, 07:16:44 PM
You know what, you're right. I'm done trying to get emotional help from people. It's obvious that it's impossible to find some coping mechanism for this. Y'all wont hear from me any more about it.

Alaina I hope your not being facetious. You know emotional well being takes a back seat to a medical emergency. I'm with Shan on this. C'mon girl. Let's do this - admit yourself into the ER now. And take your laptop or tablet to the hospital!
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Hideyoshi

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on July 16, 2014, 06:44:50 PM

I'm so done with this life. I don't think there's anything else I can learn from it. If I'm wrong, so what?


you are so beautiful and I almost teared up when I read you are having such bad health problems. I remember your posts from back in 2012 when I first started taking hormones, it's so sad to see you this way

whatever route you take I hope you feel better...
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Alainaluvsu

Quote from: Hideyoshi on July 16, 2014, 07:50:05 PM
you are so beautiful and I almost teared up when I read you are having such bad health problems. I remember your posts from back in 2012 when I first started taking hormones, it's so sad to see you this way

whatever route you take I hope you feel better...

Thank you :(
To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are.



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HeatherR

Alaina, you've always been someone I look up to.  Your strength and courage have had a profound impact on my life.  I can only hope that you muster a little more and keep being the superhero you are... Even if you're a saints fan...  <3
The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.  ~Ralph Blum~



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mrs izzy

You do have rights under the law, just we seem to never exercise these rights when we need.

USA Patients' Bill of Rights:
The patient has the right to competent, considerate, and respectful
care in a safe setting that fosters the patient's comfort and dignity
and is free from all forms of abuse and harassment, including
abuse or harassment based on gender identity or gender expression.
The patient has the right to privacy and confidentiality
during medical treatment or other rendering of care within the
[Hospital].
Medical students, residents, and other persons not directly
involved in the care or treatment of a transgender or gender-
nonconforming patient should not be present during the patient's
case discussion, consultation, examination, or treatment except for
legitimate training purposes. Before observing or participating in
a transgender or gender-nonconforming patient's case discussion,
consultation, examination, or treatment for training purposes,
trainees should be counseled on the [Hospital's] Gender Identity
and Gender Expression Non-Discrimination Policy and the
Protocols for Interaction with Transgender Patients. In all cases,
discussion, consultation, examination, and treatment must be
conducted discreetly.
Transgender and gender-nonconforming patients have
the right to refuse to be examined, observed, or treated by medical
students, residents, or any other facility staff when the primary
purpose is educational or informational rather than therapeutic,
without jeopardizing the patient's access to medical care, including
psychiatric and psychological care


So go and make them tow the line if not make a complaint to the Director of the hospital.

These are all the rules across the USA on health care anti discrimination laws.
And so many complain about the ACA..

I wish you speed in getting help.

Isabell
Mrs. Izzy
Trans lifeline US 877-565-8860 CAD 877-330-6366 http://www.translifeline.org/
"Those who matter will never judge, this is my given path to walk in life and you have no right to judge"

I used to be grounded but now I can fly.
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Alainaluvsu

Quote from: HeatherR on July 16, 2014, 08:03:26 PM
Alaina, you've always been someone I look up to.  Your strength and courage have had a profound impact on my life.  I can only hope that you muster a little more and keep being the superhero you are... Even if you're a saints fan...  <3

LOL! Well thank you. I hope you're not a Falcon or 9er fan, but if you aren't, I really do appreciate it :) That means a bunch to me.

I'll add 2 things:

1) Discrimination is the last thing on my mind in this situation. I've never had issues in this city with that and LSU Hospital of New Orleans would be the very last place I would fear it happening. I've been in the ER and ICU in this town and never had 1 issue with being transsexual. I just don't want to be stripped down and prodded, it makes me hate myself more.

2) I talked to my mom, and I'm going tomorrow if I still can't walk. I can't go tonight because my roommate had a procedure done today and she can't drive until tomorrow.

I really just want somebody to talk to who can understand where I'm coming from. I don't feel like anybody can help me with how to move forward with this in my life and I'm just very scared of facing this. I cannot face this, it's not something I can beat.
To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are.



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