Thank you and I believe that transition is something I have to do, but not at my current weight or size, I'm going to lose weight and try and lean my muscle mass out through Pilates or something like that, I am really flexible, so yoga is not out either, at one point in my life I was around 150 in basic training and Lordy I was skinny, If I could get there without bulking up but mange to keep enough muscle to turn into fat which would hopefully go to the right places I would be really happy. I don't have in realistic expectations, but I know if I work hard I can be passable, I know to some that's not the goal, because they are comfortable just being themselves. But I watch videos on you tube and actually a few were happy to talk to me about transition, one of them was like me, bulky, body builder and around same age, and she passes so easily, it gives me a lot of hope, although I found out that for some reason, probably due to a tumor on one of my glands(don't worry it's been there sense birth) that I have always had a little higher estrogen level than most men, so I have had to work harder to define muscle, and to build mass, even now at 240pds I dress up and my wife is like wow you have a nice ass and hips, and I've never had a prominent Adam's apple, it's there but even when I was skinny it was barely noticeable. So I have a lot of hope. I just don't know if that will be enough to give up my family, and have to move. I just need friends that are transgender like me, I can't lose what I have, I know if I start hormones that it takes along time,
And I can hide the effect from most people I care about for a long time, but as for my wife I don't know if I could successfully hide it from her. She knows I already produce estrogen (actually every body does even if it only a little bit in men) but I have more than others, I'm fact it made it hard for me to get her preganant, took five years due to low sperm count, I have had the blood work to prove it, and she knows this, and there is a possibility as I get older estrogen count could be more than t, it's not enough to make drastic changes but I have developed very sensitive nipples over the past few years, I am very emotional, I always been able to contain my emotions inside, for instance my very close grandfather passed in 2008, I love him so much, most gracious person and wise person anyone could ever meet, I could not cry, inside I was destroyed, outside all I could do I was make myself look upset, it like I have all this pent up emotions inside me, that I can't get out. I also have PTSD, from combat, I am just a mess, lol
I just know in my heart that Cristy is who I really am, I am so glad that I finally know that, I wish I would have had understanding parents, but I didn't even know what being transgendered was then, I was always upset bc I would look at other women, and I'd think that's me, what I felt. But I do not know why or what it was. This was all the way up til 2002 and at 18 I have never heard the word transgender, transvestite, I had heard of gay and lesbian I wasn't that backward, but I had no idea there were others like me. I just buried it deep inside and lost myself in music and doing manly stuff. For a while I thought I was a transvestite or crossdresser, once I had heard of those things, but I felt fake everytime, sex or sex activities while dressed did not stop the pain and different ness inside, and I really didn't care about he clothes, I would just feel like it was a lie. I wished upon every star, I prayed for those feeling to go away, bc I was taught that it was bad, even beat for it when I was around five yrs old, my mom and dad don't think I remember, but I do. I still love them, I can't hold grudges or hate or judge, it's against my nature to do so. They thought they were doing the right thing, but they weren't. I really hope that things change in society, I just am thankfully there's a place like this to vent and hopefully make friends once people get to know me. We'll I'm determined to follow this path. I'm up all night watching videos and researching bc it's not something I can put at the back of my mind any more. I guess I am about to be friendless and without a family. Bc when I tell me wife that I have to follow through with it it's probably going to be ov. She has said multiple times, I married a man, and you are what God made you, a man. I have explained to her God made transsexuals for a reason, were not a mistake. For what reason I don't know, maybe He wanted us to learn that about ourselves, we all have our own burdens to bear regardless of gender and sexual orientation, but He wants us to take that journey, God gives knowledge for a reason. Sorry about the religious tangent, but I showed her where it says in the Bible that we will all be accepted as long as you believe in God and Jesus. She has gotten to the point where she said that I won't go to hell, but she is hung up understandably on my assigned gender, I should have told her upfront but I was still in denial. I will always be in love with her, but I feel this need inside, not in my brain, but in the pit of my soul, it's like a voice calling to me. I don't believe she will go on this journey with me. So I have to tell her that I have to and that I love her no matter what, but if she leaves then so be it, it wasn't fair for her not to know before we got togeather and it's not fair to me to keep living a lie. I just dread finding a different love, or falling in love agian, I never wanted to lose the love I had. So I guess child support and split custody is in my future. Wish me luck and I'll keep an update from an appropriate section. Thanks agian.
