I'm sorry this topic has most likely been made a million and one times but I just wanted to get a chance to discuss some of the views / plans and experiences people have had on this topic. Pretty much just what do you plan to do? What do you want to do? Be stealth or out and open about being trans? Or on the other hand what have you DONE and what are some of the experiences you've had with being stealth or with being open?

Personally I've only just started my transition so I have absolutely no experience per say. I've always wanted to be stealth cause it's just what I just would want my past to be my past and not everyone would see it they way they "should" or the way I'd like them to. For example some people would after my transition consider me female, fantastic! Some would still consider me a guy and I wouldn't wanna just have to deal with that popping up every now and then. Could live with it easily but in the perfect world would rather just go stealth and have everyone think I'm just who I am, instead of some people holding on to my past if that makes sense....

HOWEVER! Recently I've not only accepted completely that being trans is fine, i'm beginning to realise it as a GOOD thing (Which a year ago I would never dream of thinking that one day I would consider being trans as a good thing) It's just another thing that makes me, me. I'm not fighting to be some perfect picture that I saw on the internet or some where on the street. I'm fighting to be ME annnnnd I happen to be trans so I dunno all these thoughts are clearly still very jumbled up in my head! I have trouble explaining a lot of it. But in short I'm feeling GOOD about being trans it's just another thing that makes me unique, another pencil line to the master piece that is ME!

So honestly I have no idea if I'd wanna be open or stealth at this point, but I still wanted to hear other peoples opinions and experiences of their own about their own journey cause It'll be like interesting and might teach me a thing or two 0-o Ya never know.

OH! And like business wise too, I'd really love to hear about if being trans might've effected your work if you were open or your business.
Cause I run my own business and it's getting to the point where it's starting to go well and grow and bla bla bla bla. But I dunno might run into bumps in the road with ma business being trans and all maybe? And ya know, no possibility of going stealth actually with my business cause...... It's called "Smithman Fred" (It's not. The real name is bloody AWESOME! but not putting it for privacy reasons ya know. But it's my last and first name with man in the middle...... I dunno maybe I'm overthinking the fact that if I changed the company name people would look into it massively like "OMG!!!! JUDY CALL THE FBI!!! I THINK THE BOSS OF THAT COMPANY IS A TRANS! AND THATS SOOO IMPORTANT FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON THAT IT'S WORTH US INVESTIGATING HARD CORE! MUHAHAHAHA")

LOL I can definitely see how the name aspect would complicate things. On the other hand, I have seen a lot of businesses that are branded around a person's name that didn't actually have the namesake as CEO. I think a lot of people would just assume the business was named after a relative or something.

As for my plans, I've debated going stealth versus being out for a while. Since I'm in a gay relationship, having to come out about two things at once to everyone I meet is not super appealing. For me, at least. I'm a YA writer though and I do feel like I will have some social responsibility to represent that once I'm published. I spent so much of my life not being myself and trying to be someone everyone else wanted, so there's a huge part of me that wants to just move on and go completely stealth to enjoy my life as me. Then there's part of me that knows if more trans guys had been out when I was younger, it would have given me so much hope.

Anyway, it's a tough decision and everyone has their own life factors that come into play with it. It's certainly not an easy choice, and I totally get why people choose either one.

I started transition in 1998. When I began this journey I thought I would go ahead and go stealth since I was able to do so easily. The thing was, I wanted to help others who were going through the same thing I had - namely the torture of being trans - and I decided that if I was going to do that on the larger scale that I wanted to then there was no way I could do it stealthily. I have since been very public (TV, book, radio, magazines) about GID, Trans, whatever you want to call it and I think I made the difference I was looking for, but I am still open about it, and proud of who I am.

I believe that, depending on one's age at the time of transition, living a 100% stealth life is the equivalent to changing one closet for another. If you plan to do that, you have to lie about who you were and who you are. I don't believe that's a healthy way to live and it's definitely no more healthy than dealing with being trans and doing nothing about it. If you transition at or before sixteen, or maybe eighteen, then okay, maybe it's alright to go 100% stealth. Of course, in public, etc., you don't just wear a t-shirt saying "I'M TRANS" on it or something. But it is important to be honest with people close to you, love interests, specifically. Not even all my friends know about me, but I don't hide it from them. If they find out, or I tell them, it doesn't matter to me.

No matter what, who you are before transition is still a huge part of who you are. Don't deny the world your TRUE self. In my travels, I have found that most people are accepting and awe-struck with meeting someone like us.

Anyway, that's my $.02 on that. Good luck to you, no matter which way you choose to go.

I'd say, go 100% stealth. You won't be lying to anyone. Disclosing your trans status to partners and loved ones is up to you. However, in an everyday life, I wouldn't say anything, to anyone.

You see being trans as sth to be proud of - great, you see it from the perspective of look what I've overcome, look who I've become, all the strength I have etc. but people won't see that. From my own experience, I did get a lot of hatred and besmearing when I got clocked. It's all going behind my back though. but I'm aware of it.

I'm glad You came to terms with who you are as a woman, however, keep in mind that only few will share your mind-set. Hopefully in your case there will be more than less, but in my case, it ruins everything. If I had friends in real life, I'd say 90% of them would reject me if I told them. and I know, I know, these people wouldn't be real friends and stuff.

Good luck with whatever you decide! x

Quote from: AnnahM on June 11, 2014, 02:31:17 AM
I started transition in 1998. When I began this journey I thought I would go ahead and go stealth since I was able to do so easily. The thing was, I wanted to help others who were going through the same thing I had - namely the torture of being trans - and I decided that if I was going to do that on the larger scale that I wanted to then there was no way I could do it stealthily. I have since been very public (TV, book, radio, magazines) about GID, Trans, whatever you want to call it and I think I made the difference I was looking for, but I am still open about it, and proud of who I am.

I believe that, depending on one's age at the time of transition, living a 100% stealth life is the equivalent to changing one closet for another. If you plan to do that, you have to lie about who you were and who you are. I don't believe that's a healthy way to live and it's definitely no more healthy than dealing with being trans and doing nothing about it. If you transition at or before sixteen, or maybe eighteen, then okay, maybe it's alright to go 100% stealth. Of course, in public, etc., you don't just wear a t-shirt saying "I'M TRANS" on it or something. But it is important to be honest with people close to you, love interests, specifically. Not even all my friends know about me, but I don't hide it from them. If they find out, or I tell them, it doesn't matter to me.

No matter what, who you are before transition is still a huge part of who you are. Don't deny the world your TRUE self. In my travels, I have found that most people are accepting and awe-struck with meeting someone like us.


Anyway, that's my $.02 on that. Good luck to you, no matter which way you choose to go.

I like this. A lot.  Although stealth is not remotely an option for me because I transitioned so publically,  trading one closet for another has zero appeal.  I'm not going to wear the t*shirt or a neon sign either, mind you, but if it's relevant I will be quite upfront about it.  There are apparently still people that only ever knew me as Jill and don't know that I'm trans (yet), but unless it would jeopardize my safety, it's not exactly a secret. I just assume it's common knowledge and that everyone talks.  Part of the point of transitioning was setting myself free from living with deep, dark secrets hanging over my head 24/7 and it feels so nice that I could never go back to living that way.

There is no way in my current circumstance that I can be stealth, so I'm just going to own it and not be ashamed of it, and if people are curious I'll be glad to share my story. However, I won't go around and tell absolutely everyone I run into that I'm trans because I'm not defined by being trans, and not everyone needs to know that I am trans. It is just a thing in my life that makes me interesting 

Sometimes I wish I had the courage to not be stealth! I am around 90% stealth, but I may not even be as stealth as I think I am! There are many who know about me and I do realize people talk. I recently had a relationship end because of me being me! I met many of his friends, something he wanted me to do....not something I was necessarily excited about. I don't know if he has told anyone, but I really don't care much if he did.

My reasons for stealth are to just live as normal of a life as I can. With it does come the feeling of deceiving people....but what am I deceiving them of?? It depends how intimate the relationship is. If its a working, or mutual friendship type, do they need to know I was bullied in high school, had trouble with the law in my teens or have depression. I think its not much different. Does everyone need to know my past? If it is someone I am dating, then yes they do deserve to know, and it should be quite early. I have learned this the hard way.

In all honesty one of the reasons I do like stealth is because of some of the attraction and interaction I receive from men and women is a natural one....not one of..."well you know how it is, you use to be a man". Some of the most accepting people that know my past have expressed this view, it hasn't been that blunt but it is noticeable at times. It could be as small of a thing as my sister asking me to open a jar because she couldn't....or I may be talking with a neighbor that knows my past and they may offer some advice they wouldn't have if they didn't know. Just stuff like that gets to me....and this is just with the few who know. I can't imagine if most knew.

There also are some very accepting  situations with people who know. One time I was at an Old Navy and I heard my name called out, as I looked around I seen the person that was calling out my name, I didn't recognize her until she said she was my son's teacher. I then proceeded to say hi and make some small talk about my son. This made me feel good, this teacher had seem me quite a bit through my transition, she was not the least reluctant to acknowledge me in public even though she knew my past. I think it did help that she knew I was very involved with my children's education, this may have changed her perception of me. She may have realized more than some that my reasons for transitioning was not to be someone on youtube, or to walk around in stilettos and mini skirts.

I just don't want to be that typical stereotype many picture when they know my past. The usual thing said or thought is sex change, some don't mean to offend when saying sex change, but it just feels so negative when I hear it. I came out to an ex employer and this was the first words out of his mouth "so your having a sex change" and it didn't come out positively. After about a minute of telling him that yes, basically I am but it's more than just a "sex change" He did apologize for coming across offensive. He reasoning was that he had absolutely no knowledge of what I was doing except of what he had known....which I am sure came from tv shows and such. He also was very accepting and we talked quite a bit about our children afterwards. I feel he his acceptance also relied on how he knew me as a person before. This is something I can't do with many I may need to come out to if I was not stealth. They really don't know how you were in your past is essentially the same person.

There was a time when I desired stealth, but when I tallied up all the friends and family (loved ones) I would have to sever contact from to make that happen I decided against it.  I also have children and a spouse. 

While I do not flash a neon sign or the like advertising my gender, I refuse to hide behind deceit to ease mine (or others') comfort level in the short term.  Long term, the cost is too high.

Quote from: WaywardSon on June 12, 2014, 12:55:24 AM
While I do not flash a neon sign or the like advertising my gender, I refuse to hide behind deceit to ease mine (or others') comfort level in the short term.  Long term, the cost is too high.

Living stealth is a choice one is entitled to, chosen very often due to safety reasons, I think it's very judgmental and superficial to label it a "deceit". Love You girl, just saying

Im 50% i dont know if i shold be label stealth or open but if i had to put on a label i Would say im open. I feel the same thing of my transpast as well as Many others part of my, if it relevant and i Think you should know i Tell you and if i dont then i dont. I feel for People that is close to me that they should know. For strangers its not so important but i dont really Care if they know im trans, and i Think it Nice not to Worre about Being outed more than actually Tell you are trans. I rarely say im trans to People i dont know Well, but i do exemple Got marked as trans on my facebook and share alt of trans related stuff. If i was 100% stealt i probably Woldnt ADD People to my profil because thye easily could find out, but when i dont Care then it less of a worry.

In some situations i however are stealth for practically / safety reasons but This is pretty general i World say for most People.

I was stealth as a female. 100% stealth. Although I felt like I was lying it wasn't because I was actually male-bodied, it was because I didn't believe I was truly female and the persona felt like an act.

As a detransitioning male I've come to recognize the luxury I had being stealth as a female. A lot of people today are somewhat aware of my past. Stealth isn't a full option because of the jobs I worked as Kate and the people who knew I was a female. Someone will always know. They don't always know I am detransitioning, some actually think I am transitioning from female to male. And I get a lot of attention that I just never got as a stealth MTF. I miss the normality of blending in. I know some out and proud transgender people, and they seem very happy, but I think it is something that has to be considered very carefully. The more history you establish as one sex, the harder it will be to go to the other without anyone knowing.

@crowcrow223:  I am not saying it is deceitful for the many to opt for stealth.  I am saying that -I- have given birth to three children, and for me to live in stealth mode, I would have to blatantly lie; should I opt to keep my children in my life (which I intend to do) they would have to lie as well for me to live in stealth, which is a choice I am uncomfortable making on either front.

I think that it can be a little hard to imagine what stealth can or does look like from the outside. My experience is very little like the one envisioned by people who use terms like "closeted," "deceit," "lying," "secretive," etc.

I keep my trans status private. On a daily basis that means I don't actively declare that I'm trans. That is how it's been for the last 4 years. In order to get to this point I had to ask a handful of people who knew me pre-transition to keep my confidence. That's it. Not so complicated. There was no elaborate ruse involving a piano-forte and a troop of Danish acrobats or something. Like really? What do you all expect here? Being stealth is what you make of it. You want to be paranoid and all, go ahead, but that's not my reality.

Frankly, I think it's kind of weird to assume that anyone has a right to my life story. That for me to avoid informing people about anything and everything in my life is dishonest.

I mean, I don't tell people I tried to kill myself when I was 17. Is that being dishonest? Do I really have no right to privacy at all?

Also, I would add one thing: If you have an option to be stealth with little cost, try it. There is no substitute for experience, and you can only go one way. You can always stop being stealth. But going from open to stealth is almost, but not quite, impossible.

Quote from: Sarah7 on June 14, 2014, 04:24:39 AM
I keep my trans status private. On a daily basis that means I don't actively declare that I'm trans. That is how it's been for the last 4 years.

That is the approach I take as well.

Quote from: Sarah7 on June 14, 2014, 04:24:39 AM
In order to get to this point I had to ask a handful of people who knew me pre-transition to keep my confidence. That's it. Not so complicated. There was no elaborate ruse involving a piano-forte and a troop of Danish acrobats or something. Like really? What do you all expect here? Being stealth is what you make of it. You want to be paranoid and all, go ahead, but that's not my reality.

I agree with this. For me "true stealth" is not possible. My business life means that hundreds (thousands?) of people know me. I live in a large city and I was very active in the business community. I pulled back a bit in my early transition just to get myself all sorted out, but that is all done now and it is back to business as usual. I just do not make an issue of my trans-ness and as a result it seems most other people do not make an issue of it either.

Frankly I am too busy living to worry about this stuff. I am me and I expect people to take me as I appear. Maybe it would be different if I was some sort of genderfluid, skirt-wearing, bearded type but I am not.  I am just an old fashioned gender binary woman who wants nothing more than to blend in to society as just another female face.

IMO, calling living stealth deceitful or closeted is disparaging and uninformed.  You may as well misgender me because I would be just as pissed as this nonsense has made me.  Talk about ridiculous judgmental baloney coming from attention seekers who want to make everything about their 'cause' and how brave they are to overcome such adversity.

If you feel you are living a lie keep it between you and your therapist, it doesn't apply to me... I stopped living a lie when I transitioned.

I don't think it's deceitful or wrong. It's really a personal choice.

However, in my case, it's not a plausible long term solution. I went to a male-only high school, I did some cool things before my transition (and under my old name) and I'm acting as a trans* activist. Going stealth all the way would force me to hide some things I'm proud of and to invent myself a story for what I did in high school.

In practice, I'm stealth most of the time. I pass decently well, so with reference to people in the street or baristas or librarians or whatever, I'm not seen as trans most of the time. My trans status is mine to share. Sometimes, I do things more stealthily (like when I apply for jobs), sometimes I'm out as trans (like when I'm doing LGBT stuff). I can afford it. But when I play it stealth, even though I enjoy the experience of being accepted entirely as a woman, I constantly have to check out for things that could out me. I do feel closeted. I don't think it's deceitful (after all, 1) safety 2) you don't have to broadcast yourself as trans to be who you are 3) plenty of people keep their past to themselves), but I feel a lot of pressure on myself. As a result, the people who knew me pre-transition know, the people who matter know, other people don't.

Besides, I have a lot of fun being an advocate for the community.

If I transition I will probably never attempt to even go stealth.

Presence is VERY important for young trans people in my eyes.

The frist time I saw a program about trassexuals on tv I felt SO MUCH BETTER! ! !

The knowledge that I wasnt the only one, that there were beauty events for transwomen, that they were happy and smiling, that the could wear what they wanted  HIGH HEELS!!! , the before and afters, the awe...



In the time when hardly any gay people came out, being gay was vilified.
Nowadays, everyone knows someone who is gay, it isnt an elephant in the room anymore!

If some closed minded guy "hates gay men" he may change his mind when he sees that his cousin is gay or that his sisters best friend is a gay guy or even his sisters friends friend is a gay guy and he was a nice guy.


I want to help make a world where trans is a non issue.

There is a guy, born as a girl, living as a girl aged about 16 in my mothers area that has told everyone at school that he is really a guy and was only born a girl.

Wears what he wants, everyone knows hes trans, nobody heckles him, nobody talks badly of it and I dont know if he will ever transition but hasnt currently.

We live in a pretty bad area too.

Imagine if there were another ftm in my mothers area that wanted to come out, imagine the relief that someone else did it too and didnt get bullied or judged for it, it would make things so much easier and seen as so much less of an event.

If that person were a female born as a male and 5-6 years older, I would be straight round there and probably come out to them!

It is a personal choice tho

I'm planning on being open about my past.  There's nothing to hide, nor could I even if I wanted to.  (Transitioning later in life - hard to keep that under my hat).  And hiding secrets is so fricking tiring - I'm over it.

There are various degrees of "stealth" too.  To my family and close friends, they'll know everything and there is no chance of pulling the wool over their eyes.  To strangers on the street, hopefully I'll pass well enough to be 99.9% stealth.

Anything more just sounds like too much work...

I'm stealth and of everyone in my life, only my family & very best friend know.
I came out to mum in my teens, we moved soon after I started living ft while on blockers, still as a teen.
Pretty much everyone in my life is either family or came into my life after I started living full time.

Back then, trans people were pretty much freaks, the only real time you saw trans people were on Jerry Springer, in drag shows or on a doco where the mtf looked like she could kick a house down or the ftm looked like a 12 year old boy.
Its because the passable ones were stealth and no one really questioned them.
These days I find it much more open, I've met many people who are out and open about who they are and they range in age from 14 to 60.
For me, the reason why I haven't told anyone apart from the odd few (family & my best friend) is its been so long I feel like I've been lying to them for so long and that will go against me.
My friends have no issues with gay or trans people.
If one was to ask, I would have no issues opening up to them.

I don't walk around advertising the fact I'm trans, but I also won't deny it if asked. Full stealth is really not an option for me, too many old friends and family..