I have three pretty close male friends. One knew me before, the other is a trans friend I met at a support group, and the third is a gay man I met after I was being read as male everywhere. I have been friends with the gay man for about five years, and I just can't tell him. It's so nice to be seen as a regular gay man. I've been on the outside looking in since college. Read gay books, went to gay movies, hung out in the gay part of town, had a male partner who knew I identified as a gay man...I'm like other gay men in so many ways. I fit in perfectly. I don't want to give up my "cover" after feeling like a freak for so long. Just can't do it.

Quote from: Felix on June 28, 2014, 02:27:59 AM
I have some old academic mentors that I will never tell. It breaks my heart to think about letting them down, and it doesn't matter, so they'll just not hear from me again.

This resonated with me in a big way.  Some professors really took me under their wings and had big hopes for me.  I can't imagine how much of a let down I must be for many of them if they were to see me today. 

My brother, he's sort of what I like to call my closest strangers. I decided to just let him find out on his own.

I'm not telling my brother.  He hates me and wants nothing to do with me anyways.  Sadly, I think he will be the most "supportive" in my family because he just doesn't care about me. 

I will not be telling my grandma.  I don't see the point in doing so since we rarely talk.

I won't be telling my grandpa since he's dead.  I was actually close to him, so I wonder how he would have reacted.

I won't be telling the members at my church.  They don't need to know and I'm sure they will find out eventually.  Until then, I don't need the extra drama that telling them would bring me.

I think most of my undergrad recommenders were clued in. One is on the trans spectrum and knew I was, too. I wrote about trans issues for a couple of my profs. And one gentleman asked me which pronoun I wanted him to use in his letter. I wasn't expecting that question and was deeply touched. He was a sweet man (and I hope he still is).

I suppose it helped that I was pretty butch in appearance and had already changed my name.

I don't expect to have further contact with any of these folks, but now I'm wondering whether I should. I mean, later, when I have the psychological energy for reaching out in that way.

Still considering if I will go out of my way to tell any relatives.  All of mine are in New Zealand and we have very little contact.  Parents have both passed, no grandparents. My parents would have been a huge issue and there wouldn't have been any doubt that they would have hated this.  I have no relatives in Australia so geography is helping a bit.  Friends?  So few it isn't an issue either.  My wife can decide which of her relatives and friends are told.

I do have to consider who I tell professionally rather than waiting for the grapevine to kick in.  Melbourne and Sydney are a very small world in my profession so I expect it to get around as soon as my workmates are informed.  Hopefully I will be out of the country when that happens.  If those I work with and respect are told, the rest can gossip!

I haven't told my grandmother yet. She's 93 and her mind is starting to go. I am beginning to feel like I should find a way though so I don't have to keep up the facade when I'm around her...

I have no intention of telling my dad. We have a strained relationship as it is (if it could even be called that) and I know he wouldn't handle it very well. I'm also even more leery of telling others right now because I told someone I thought would be supportive and they were far from it. The people that truly matter already know.

SC, you just reminded me...I have a letter for my father that I'm working on and need to send on Monday. I almost forgot. I have to revise the crap out of it. Ick.

Well, he knows, but my mother doesn't. I would have preferred to come out to both of them in my own time, but he preempted me, and now it's up to him to tell her. I don't care about her, but I feel unfinished and in limbo because she doesn't know. I think she would make life hell for him if he did tell her.

So I guess there's another person I can't tell.

Quote from: Arch on July 06, 2014, 02:39:24 AM
SC, you just reminded me...I have a letter for my father that I'm working on and need to send on Monday. I almost forgot. I have to revise the crap out of it. Ick.

Well, he knows, but my mother doesn't. I would have preferred to come out to both of them in my own time, but he preempted me, and now it's up to him to tell her. I don't care about her, but I feel unfinished and in limbo because she doesn't know. I think she would make life hell for him if he did tell her.

So I guess there's another person I can't tell.

Are you writing the letter to explain everything or is it that you're writing the letter so he has something to talk to your mom with? Sorry he found out and threw your plans for a loop. I know how you feel about the limbo thing. I felt that way with not letting my in-laws in on what I had figured out about myself and its truly something that weighs on you till you get it off your chest. I hope everything goes well when/if he does tel her.

I didn't have to come out to him; I could have just ignored the PI he hired. And then I didn't come out for almost a year. But I had been mulling over the idea of getting in contact again, except not so soon! I knew that if I suddenly turned up after all these years, I would need to come out to both of them. And then he hired someone to find me, and all of my half-baked musings (not plans) came to nought.

He had apparently been looking for me for years, so I figured that I had better write back because he might keep on pressing me. So I did feel pressured at the time. And I still don't know what the hell I want out of the relationship. I thought I was done with him, but I really don't know my own mind on this matter.

"Murphy, I'm a mess." Haha.

I'm expecting my entire dad's side of the family to be extremely judgemental, due to living in South America, being extremely conservative and a lot of them being rich and snooty ... so I consider avoiding telling any of them.

as it is though, I probably will have to tell my dad at some point, even though I'm sure he'll disown me since he's extremely sexist. Not looking forward to that, not to mention probably not being able to go back to my home country at all since I only do so to visit him.

Well i'm dreading telling my Mom and my 86 yr. old Grandma w/ alzheimer's bout who i am and who i want to be. I have told several of my new friends and they r very supportive of me and matter of fact i just went to meet a friend who knows bout me. I really figured a few would hate or de-friend me when i told them bout me, boy was i shocked they said no friends dont leave friends hanging. Not sure if i'm scared of the rejection i might get from real family or if i'm just not ready to come out fully to them. The friends who know r more like my extended family i call them my Sisters, and those that know r closest to me in the circle of friends.

The only people I came out to were my family - mom, stepdad, older brother, younger brother, older sister, and younger sister. Other then that I haven't told my dad, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandmother, or anyone else. My grandma lives far away and is not from the U.S. and both my granddad died long ago. As for my the people I have not told I haven't told them because I just don't care anymore.

The reaction I got from them was neutral, does not understand me, and so forth. Although when I made changes to myself - I went pretty slow for yr. plus (baby steps for them) - they react negatively. My therapist who knows a gender therapist was completely useless. ran out of money to see him. and now am stuck like before, only with the exception that my family now knows about me. I hate my therapist.

Well anyway, the outlook I have on coming out to people is that I just don't care anymore. I will no longer make an effort to come out to people anymore or say anything. Instead am going to focus on being myself and if people look shock well that's their problem. I tire of my family teaching my younger sibling that people like me are disgusting or people always putting me on the spot. That makes me very mad.

From now on, am my own therapist until I can find someone that actually has past experiences with transsexuals. But that won't be for many years because I need to go to college to get a job and pay to see a professional gender therapist. Degrees are needed for entry level jobs. crazy huh.

I not going to tell no one nothing. Am just going to be myself. If they asks questions. all am going to say is "this is me and this is who I am" nothing else. not going to answer any questions.

SORRY FOR THE LONG ANSWER.

Quite a few people, actually! My main person for not telling... even though I know eventually I should, is my father. I think that his reaction would be scary and honestly I'd just like to make sure that my partner and I are far, far away. He's never been violent towards me or Handy, but I've kinda always had the fear in the back of my mind. He's basically a gun toting redneck who reacts very negatively towards anything lgbt related. We've never necessarily discussed trans issues, but I'm not eager to do so. I know before my SO came out, he thought she was gay and basically told me (in front of her) that gays are solely responsible for the moral degredation of society... and then proceeded to say he couldn't talk about it (as he nudged his head towards my partner). We hardly have a relationship, anyways, so I guess it's not much of a loss...

I think mostly we just plan on writing out the people who we can't tell. My gfs paternal side of the family is out, for sure, I don't even think they need the benefit of the doubt. They are fanatical christians... ya know, the kind who think harry potter and pokemon are demonic and gays can be cured. Well, even if they do find out, we don't plan on seeing their unpleasantness ever again. Her maternal grandparents are just so old, I honestly don't even think they would notice if she showed up presenting as female. So that is not really a concern, even though we won't tell her. She's been a bit dementia-ey lately (sad, I know) so I just don't think it is a problem. Her husband (my gf's step grandpa) is much more alert, but he is turning 90 soon, so who knows how much longer he'll be with us. Other than these few, we are pretty indifferent to who knows.

For right now I've only told people that I was positive would support me, because I manage to stay fairly happy and I don't want to lose that.  The only person I haven't told yet that I plan to is my paternal grandmother because while she can be nasty sometimes, she's a good person underneath it and treats people equally regardless of gender, sexuality, race, religion, etc.  Definitely not telling my maternal grandparents- people like them are why I was too scared to transition for years.

I'm going to blanket any remaining people that don't know with Facebook pretty soon. I'm giving one of my sisters a little more time to process it before her kids find out. They don't live with her anymore, but she doesn't want them to know. I'm sorry but ultimately you can shelter your kids when your behavior is exactly why they left in the first place. In about 3 weeks it will be public and she can't shelter her kids from that as they are both on Facebook.