Its been a while! Some oddly bizarre non-related panic attacks and crunch at work later... I'm back here. Also, I dated a girl for a short time, and as ever as soon as this dalliance ended and there's now no pressure to perform sexually or to be the man that's expected of me now that I'm not dating, my feelings become more focused on being feminine again. Sounds familiar?...

But, I feel rather unique, as I don't have a set direction, or an allegiance to either gender. I hate the finality of being male as much as I hate the uncertainty and destruction that would come being female. I love being a male if I can be a female male, or a very male girl. I really don't care about being male or female, either feels natural in their own ways. The problem is - the attributes I love conflict each other.
Such as I love my deep male voice but it feels natural to just look naturally female and I love penetrating women but hate feeling like a sweaty grisly guy whilst doing it. There's a whole host of other conflictions. And seemingly, the NHS and the people I speak to can't understand how it feels natural to have this big swirling mass of conflicting gender and sex preferences. They exist just fine in my mind and soul. But as a physical entity its hard to make this work.

I am extremely tempted to go private, pay for the on-going therapy, sperm banking, then hormones, then some general FFS. My aim would be look androgynous. Elly Jackson (from the pop group La Roux) and transgender model Andre Pejic get away with it. They live a transgendered life to varying degrees. Why can't I? And why can't I add the hormonal and FFS into the mix?

Anyone, anyone, MTF or FTM... out there who feels similar and has made this work?

I Need to make a decision and take action. Full stop. I've spent two years researching into HRT, FFS, the social, financial and biological aspects, read a million posts on here, had therapy sessions, visited an NHS gender clinic multiple times, experimented sexually with guys (and with the girl I was dating, with me being allowed to express my more feminine sexuality), and I now wear almost exclusively female clothes to work and with friends. However, there's a lot of male in me that I like, and there's a lot of female. How the hell is this going to work?

Well, I don't have first hand experience with this, but I'll try to help as best I can. I do think you can enjoy penetrative sex without doing it in a way that makes you feel like a "sweaty grisly guy." What if the girl was on top, so you don't have to do the thrusting? Or maybe a slower, gentler approach to it? Really there are all sorts of ways you could go about it.

And there are cis girls out there with deep voices, too. I think it's more about inflection and things like that. And I suppose you could try to raise it just a bit, so it would be on the lower end of the female spectrum. Or, if you're happy with it just the way it is, there's nothing wrong with that, either. Unique is beautiful, in my opinion.

I think you'll be able to make it all work.

I kind of get what you mean. While I personally feel like I'm a man through-and-through, there are some pretty exclusively female things that I really kinda wish I could do still (and sometimes do in private). Like, for example, sometimes I miss wearing makeup a little, and the preparation that goes into that. I kinda miss wearing skirts and other feminine clothes. I don't wanna be perceived as anything other than male, but sometimes I wish that things weren't so strict on what it's normal to wear and not wear for people of whatever gender. I don't get the ENTIRE thing you're talking about, but maybe some of it? A little? Shrugs.