This is going to be a rant, or a pity party, or something along those lines. I am agender and I'm having a very difficult time right now. I live in a very oppressive rural town in the US south. I can't deal with the misgendering anymore. It makes me want to die. No one seems to know or care what it does to me. No one understands why I can't just "ignore it" or "suck it up." I'm slowly dying inside. I feel like my soul is worthless and decayed. 
   I want to be a K-2 teacher more than anything in the universe, so I'm attempting to pursue a degree in early childhood education. It is literally dangerous for me to go to college around here, but we can't afford anything but local colleges. If they misgender me there, I can't say anything or they'll kick me out. And it's perfectly legal for them to do that. If someone perpetrates a hate crime against me, they can get away with that, too, because apparently I'm "asking for it" by simply being myself.
I want to move to a safe place, but we don't have the resources for me to do that. My parents don't understand why I want to. They can't seem to comprehend the grave magnitude of the danger I'm in. They can't see why anyone has to know I'm agender. My daddy just said, "As long as you know, why does anyone else have to know? Just let people think you're a girl. You can't blame them; you look like a girl." Well, I'm not waving a genderqueer pride flag in the streets and shouting "HEY, LOOK AT ME, I'M AGENDER!" It's not like that. But the thing is, I cannot mentally take being misgendered anymore, and I shouldn't have to. I told him that I can't help looking like a girl. I don't want to. I want top surgery (I have painfully conspicuous DD breasts.) and HRT. (I have an extremely feminine voice.) Not enough to fully transition to male, but enough to become more androgynous in voice and appearance. Anyway, we can't afford that, so it's not my fault people mistake me for a girl. When I told my daddy I want those things, he said that it was the same thing as celebrities having elective cosmetic surgery. He refuses to accept that these are NOT FREAKING COSMETIC PROCEDURES!!! Also, he said "I wouldn't care if somebody accidentally called me a woman. I'd just laught it off. Why do you care if somebody calls you a girl? You are a girl. You have a vagina." Umm, no h311 I'm not. And that's easy for him to say; he'll never know what gender dysphoria is.
   I swear if someone deliberately misgenders me ONE MORE TIME, I'm killing myself. But I have to let them, because if I don't, someone could kill me, not that I'd care. I'm afraid to stay here, afraid to go to school here, and most of all, I'm petrified of never being able to teach. My dream of being a teacher is the only reason I've not gone through with suicide.
I'm so sorry I've been posting so many complaints. I'm in a bad way right now, and my psyche is currently very fragile. Any advice or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
<3 Verne

Sounds like you're getting pretty tired of your situation for now.
Is it being misgendered, pronouns, not being accepted the way you want?
Been building up to a peak here or just can't quite stand it for right now?
Sounds like you have a future if you want, it's just going to be difficult to get there?
This is a good place to learn how to get through that kind of stuff.
What do you think?
Ativan

Well there mister no more negative talk about life or death.

I see you are hurting in how things are now and that's understandable.

Little confused i am in are you on T or not yet. If so that will effect the voice over time.

There are hate crime laws in the states.

Talk with your therapist on getting tools to help with your triggers.

Make a copy of all life lines and centers in your area so you can call any time you get in crises.

Hugs, life is truly a wonderful thing.

Ativan, it's being misgendered, pronouns, and not being accepted. It's been building up for 18 years.
Mind is quiet now, I am a Mx, not a mister. I am not on T. I want to be, but my parents won't let me and I don't have an income. There are very sparse hate crime laws in my state, and in my county and the ones surrounding it, there are none at all. Maybe you're right, though, therapy couldn't hurt. Unless a therapist tried to convince me I'm female. Would they do that?

It always builds up for a long time, even a persons lifetime.
Are you close enough or have access to a gender therapist, through a local LGBT center of something like that?
Sounds like it would help...
Do you have a way to pay for it? If not, be careful of what is just given as an appropritate therapist.
There are ones who aren't necessarily pro trans.
Did ranting there help?
Doing ok, right now?

Quote from: Literary X on July 28, 2014, 11:53:08 PM
Ativan, it's being misgendered, pronouns, and not being accepted. It's been building up for 18 years.
Mind is quiet now, I am a Mx, not a mister. I am not on T. I want to be, but my parents won't let me and I don't have an income. There are very sparse hate crime laws in my state, and in my county and the ones surrounding it, there are none at all. Maybe you're right, though, therapy couldn't hurt. Unless a therapist tried to convince me I'm female. Would they do that?

Sorry about the Mr. i try to be polite,

Ok let me start again Mx Literary,

Yes therapy is a great place to start. Just finding a Gender Therapist is the key.

You are who you are and that can not be changed by a therapist, only you have that power.

Hugs.

Therapists do all kinds of things, and their behavior may or may not correlate with any official rules in your area.

I hope you don't stick to that "ONE MORE TIME" assertion. If you need the resources at hand in order to acquire an education and become a teacher, you'll have to deal with it lots more times. If it's a completely intractable situation and getting away would be better in the long term than staying, then you can wander off and make a life for yourself elsewhere. Most states will offer in-state tuition after you stay for a year, and there are a lot of grants and scholarships available for education majors. You can even get federal loan forgiveness if you can stomach living and teaching in a small town that is designated as being underserved.

You can't imagine how much your death would damage the people around you, but ranting in your situation is understandable and this is the place for it.

I don't know that I could access a gender therapist, and we don't have a local LGBT center, unfortunately. That's why my sister lives in New York.
Ranting did feel good, though.

Ranting really does help. It's done wonders for me in my short time here, even when I feel like nobody really cares. At best, it's only a help for the short term, though, since it really doesn't solve anything.

It sounds trite even to me as I say it, but killing yourself really isn't worth it. There's so many other solutions, even when they're hard to see or to reach.

It helps me to focus on much smaller goals, when the big ones feel out of reach. What's something that, even if it doesn't get you out right away, can at least be a step in that direction? Maybe saving up enough for a car and a few days' vacation to a city you might be interested in moving to? Just the temporary escape might help. If your sister is in New York, would she be willing or able to give you a place to stay for a while? That might be the stepping-stool you need to move there yourself.

I'm sure my sister will do anything she can to get me up there. She's the best.

Literary

We feel your frustration and ranting together is something that we are really good at.  Lots of good people here who are giving good advice.  Your sister sounds like she will be very supportive, which is a very good thing.  It appears that you know the way forward.  The therapist will help you find your way.  Your future is waiting for you.  Time to move

Safe travels

Aisla

Sounds like a plan, Aisla.

Quote from: Literary X on July 28, 2014, 11:21:34 PM
   This is going to be a rant, or a pity party, or something along those lines. I am agender and I'm having a very difficult time right now. I live in a very oppressive rural town in the US south. I can't deal with the misgendering anymore. It makes me want to die. No one seems to know or care what it does to me. No one understands why I can't just "ignore it" or "suck it up." I'm slowly dying inside. I feel like my soul is worthless and decayed. 
   I want to be a K-2 teacher more than anything in the universe, so I'm attempting to pursue a degree in early childhood education. It is literally dangerous for me to go to college around here, but we can't afford anything but local colleges. If they misgender me there, I can't say anything or they'll kick me out. And it's perfectly legal for them to do that. If someone perpetrates a hate crime against me, they can get away with that, too, because apparently I'm "asking for it" by simply being myself.
I want to move to a safe place, but we don't have the resources for me to do that. My parents don't understand why I want to. They can't seem to comprehend the grave magnitude of the danger I'm in. They can't see why anyone has to know I'm agender. My daddy just said, "As long as you know, why does anyone else have to know? Just let people think you're a girl. You can't blame them; you look like a girl." Well, I'm not waving a genderqueer pride flag in the streets and shouting "HEY, LOOK AT ME, I'M AGENDER!" It's not like that. But the thing is, I cannot mentally take being misgendered anymore, and I shouldn't have to. I told him that I can't help looking like a girl. I don't want to. I want top surgery (I have painfully conspicuous DD breasts.) and HRT. (I have an extremely feminine voice.) Not enough to fully transition to male, but enough to become more androgynous in voice and appearance. Anyway, we can't afford that, so it's not my fault people mistake me for a girl. When I told my daddy I want those things, he said that it was the same thing as celebrities having elective cosmetic surgery. He refuses to accept that these are NOT FREAKING COSMETIC PROCEDURES!!! Also, he said "I wouldn't care if somebody accidentally called me a woman. I'd just laught it off. Why do you care if somebody calls you a girl? You are a girl. You have a vagina." Umm, no h311 I'm not. And that's easy for him to say; he'll never know what gender dysphoria is.
   I swear if someone deliberately misgenders me ONE MORE TIME, I'm killing myself. But I have to let them, because if I don't, someone could kill me, not that I'd care. I'm afraid to stay here, afraid to go to school here, and most of all, I'm petrified of never being able to teach. My dream of being a teacher is the only reason I've not gone through with suicide.
I'm so sorry I've been posting so many complaints. I'm in a bad way right now, and my psyche is currently very fragile. Any advice or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
<3 Verne

I feel for you, and I want to urge you to not let your soul decay. Being around negative, hateful and rude energies can have a terrible impact on you. I am in a tricky situation myself at the moment, teetering on the brink of homelessness, though I was a street kid for the past 5 years, it is a dangerous situation for a person in a girl body. the amount of yearning and sadness that I feel when I think of the life I could live with a boy body could overwhelm me. but I don't let it. it is Will. the sheer power of You that will see you through this time.

I do not know if you follow any religious or spiritual paths, but simply grounding yourself and connecting with the Earth is not related to any religion, it is just a practice that can help to balance your emotions. If you have the chance to sit quietly and try to focus on your connection with the Earth, this is one thing that helps me immensely. 

I am waiting for my gear to arrive in the mail (and it seems to be taking an awfully long time), and I know there are some binders for large chests available that would at least hopefully help while you save up for top surgery. A tip for your voice - if you talk from your lower throat or belly, project your voice from those areas, it really helps.

Another thing that helps so much is to remember what you have to be grateful for! Imagine if your father was a bigot, and treated you with no respect whatsoever. Many people have to deal with abuse from their own family. I do not mean to trivialize your struggle, but be grateful for the love that you do have, and more tends to flow in. 

You can save up for surgery and HRT. It is not unattainable. You are only limited by the limits you place on yourself, based sometimes on the negative input from other people. Let go of their perceptions. I hope I have helped a little bit, and I know how much it can hurt to just feel that your body isn't right. Hang in there. The world needs more strong people like you. And those kids need to have a teacher like you, someone who wont judge them or make them feel bad for their uniqueness.

Quote from: Literary X on July 29, 2014, 12:37:27 AM
I'm sure my sister will do anything she can to get me up there. She's the best.

Moving to New York would probably be AMAZING! I have been there, and it is soooo diverse. Full of energy and hustle and bustle, you can get free therapy, free hormones and, well, it's a good place to be if you're non binary. I lived under a fence in a field there for 3 months and I never went hungry, not suggesting you go do that or anything but it is a really awesome place.

Well you sound in a tough place, and it is a waste to say others have been in the same, or tougher.

There is one thing you have - Life.

It is your Life and you need and demand respect.

Make a plan, you have to get out of where you are - that is obvious. To do that you need money and somewhere to go.

Talk to a therapist if one is available or one by skype from somewhere bigger.

You can do this. You can be happy and you can live your life as the beautiful being you are.

It takes a bit of time. Hell Mx I escaped from the Dock slums of Liverpool to Australia at 22 years of age with a history. I was so brain addled I couldn't think two thoughts at once.

You can do this, and never ever ever let the bastards who hate you win by YOU giving up.

You really can do this.

People are nailing it big time here...

Gosh wouldn't it be a shame if you were about to step out and walk a rainbow but never turned around and saw it?

Great advice for you in this thread.  Find you rainbow, and Cindy has some really good stuff in that last post for you.

Hang out here.  Don't worry about the ba---rds.  There is one in particular I would like to ram one of my high heels up his

....oops.....

Live laugh love and vent it in here, listen to the wisdom of the forum, and know that these times do pass, an old wino once told me "the secret of life is to outlast the bulls--t".  He was sober 8 years and came out of a box on the streets of NY.

Outlast it tonight dear, just outlast the noise and recognize it as noise.  Many are here for you.

I've had a crazy life . I'm way past your age and poor . but I'm alive and happy.