See that is the tools.

At least you are looking and thinking of something out side the house.

That is the key, getting outside somehow.

Just keep looking.

well, your obviously in a bad spot. All I can say is  a lot of us had very difficult lives , but we've survived. Some times it takes awhile , but it can get a lot better. I don't want  to go into my own personal hell , all I can say that it was pretty bad , but I did survive and its very possible to get to a good place.

I know, and sometimes I feel bad just for feeling sorry for myself so much of the time, when I know there are people who have it even worse than I do. At least I have a warm comfortable place to live and I don't have to worry about where my next meal is coming from. That's something I really try to remind myself of whenever I start to feel like this. But still, it's becoming very clear that if I want to ever have a happy productive life, I am going to need something extraordinary to break myself out of this situation. Maybe that will be a new sleep medication, or maybe it will be the thing I mentioned I was working on, or maybe I will win the lottery or something. With all the bad luck I've had in life, you'd think the universe would have to even things out somehow.

Or it could be just as simple as just moving forward in your transition into a full time life. (only guessing you are not full time sorry if i am wrong just have not seen all your posts)

<<< I now many who that has been there key. HRT helps but is not always the complete answer.

Informational if it can be applied.

Or you could try stopping a med that is known to cause depression. If the idea of going with out a T blocker for a short period stesses you out that much, look at alternatives.

I know you said it was all caused by lifestyle, but wouldn't it be worthwhile finding out if it helps? What if it does?

well, I'm a whole lot older than you . I've had quite the lonely life. I never found anyone to marry and have a family, all I've had all my life were short term relationships , very short term. I've had an incredibly nasty case of dysphoria since I was 4 years old. Suicide has been a constant companion for 40 years. I've had extensive  therapy , which saved my life. I was a drug addict a prostitute , I've spent time in prison. Luckily I have a very strong faith in god. Life can be a bitch . The thing is I survived and I'm at a very happy place. I'm poor and crippled by severe arthritis , but remarkably I love life. You can get there

Hi Miyuki, I'm in a totally similar situation.  Basically everything you said applies to me, aside from fear of driving.  I drive a z28 Camaro and am sort of obsessed with it, even totaled a Mustang recently, but that's basically all I do.  Well, that and sit alone and dwell on things I hate about myself.  I'd probably have been gorgeous if I'd started HRT at the appropriate time, now I'm not sure if I'll ever even pass.  I hate my body hair, but it's my hands that kill me and I'm 6'0" tall.

I basically have no friends anymore.  I'm a pretty cool person.  I have a lot going for me and use to have a ton of friends, but depression and isolation pretty much ended that.  I basically have no one to talk to and I really know how much that sucks. 

My family is supportive enough, but their making things hard on me by making it seem like it's harder on them, when I know it isn't.  My mother has told me that she thinks I have a mental illness (called emt's and had me in a psych hospital a few weeks back) and that this came out of the blue, although I'd just been hiding it since about 5 years old and a big part of me not saying anything was because I didn't want to embarrass her.  I was also basically forced to go to college.  I'm pretty bright, but I knew that it would have been a better decision to figure myself out first, but the family insisted.  I took the major they wanted, graduated Summa Cum Laude, and now basically just have debt.  I can't really work, apart from my bum part time job, despite my being way overqualified.  It's because I feel like I can't.  How am I supposed to think of starting a career when I really can't even hash out a plan to quell my dysphoria?  Not to mention I have no business in the field I focused upon; it was all for them.  I've basically put my life on hold and I still have no idea what to do.  I'm probably about to start HRT, electrolysis and all, and that will simply add to my expenses.  I basically blame my family for not being there for me as a child and for forcing me to do things they wanted, but that I never wanted myself.  My family is pretty wealthy, literally, my entire family is blessed with wealth; all my 8 aunts, 5 uncles, 3 older cousins and their children are loaded.  I'm broke though, and it's indirectly (or directly) related to them, despite what anyone may say about it.  They aren't going to help, I wouldn't even ask, and their making it seem like I can just start a career without really understanding how afraid I am to do anything at all at this point.

What makes all of this worse is that I suffer from sever depression and insomnia.  I actually have tried to kill myself, once when I was 19 and then again not too long ago.  It was a bad decision and all I got was sick.  I really don't want to die anymore, but I'm afraid that one day I'll just have a knee-jerk reaction and stick a knife through my throat.  I'm trying, but it's scary to feel hopelessly trapped and like your time is running out.  I just started taking anti-depressants, but they don't seem to be working.  I've also tried everything available to get my sleeping schedule back in order, but nothing works, not even prescription medications.  It's sort of starting to make me feel sick.

The loneliness may be the worst part and I understand that.  You can PM me anytime you want, as often as you want, and about anything you want.  Whether you want to talk about dysphoria, make-up, fears, or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - I'm pretty much good to go on anything.  I'm diverse like that and I probably understand how you feel a lot more than you know, or maybe more than can be put into words.

Quote from: mrs izzy on August 07, 2014, 10:54:55 PM
Or it could be just as simple as just moving forward in your transition into a full time life. (only guessing you are not full time sorry if i am wrong just have not seen all your posts)

Am I full time? I have opted for a slow, gradual transition, so I don't know if I officially crossed the threshold into full time or not. I prefer female pronouns and a female name, though I don't necessarily insist on them if I get missgendered. I wear somewhat androgynous but still decidedly female clothes. The only things really holding me back are lack of confidence in my ability to pass (it's still somewhat iffy), and dysphoria about issues with my body I desperately want to fix. It also doesn't help that my parents still use my male name and masculine pronouns around the house. Being full time doesn't really mean much when you are constantly surrounded by people who won't accept your gender no matter what you do.

Quote from: kelly_aus on August 07, 2014, 10:59:49 PM
Or you could try stopping a med that is known to cause depression. If the idea of going with out a T blocker for a short period stesses you out that much, look at alternatives.

I know you said it was all caused by lifestyle, but wouldn't it be worthwhile finding out if it helps? What if it does?

The only alternative I have access to is spiro, which I tried before but quickly gave up on because I had low blood pressure and heart palpitations even at a low dose. My cardiovascular system has always been very sensitive, so taking a medication that lowers blood pressure isn't a very good idea. And in four months (give or take) I'm going not going to need to take anything for an anti-androgen anymore, so I really think it's best to just not mess with things until then. Even if that does mean I'll have to be depressed for four months, I'm not suicidal, and I don't think anything would happen in the next four months that could change that.

Quote from: stephaniec on August 07, 2014, 11:07:44 PM
well, I'm a whole lot older than you . I've had quite the lonely life. I never found anyone to marry and have a family, all I've had all my life were short term relationships , very short term. I've had an incredibly nasty case of dysphoria since I was 4 years old. Suicide has been a constant companion for 40 years. I've had extensive  therapy , which saved my life. I was a drug addict a prostitute , I've spent time in prison. Luckily I have a very strong faith in god. Life can be a bitch . The thing is I survived and I'm at a very happy place. I'm poor and crippled by severe arthritis , but remarkably I love life. You can get there

I'm really sorry... This is what makes me feel the worst of all too. That I feel so bad about my own life, when there are so many other people here who could make my problems look like a vacation by comparison...

Quote from: TheQuestion on August 07, 2014, 11:19:59 PM
Hi Miyuki, I'm in a totally similar situation.  Basically everything you said applies to me, aside from fear of driving.  I drive a z28 Camaro and am sort of obsessed with it, even totaled a Mustang recently, but that's basically all I do.  Well, that and sit alone and dwell on things I hate about myself.  I'd probably have been gorgeous if I'd started HRT at the appropriate time, now I'm not sure if I'll ever even pass.  I hate my body hair, but it's my hands that kill me and I'm 6'0" tall.

I basically have no friends anymore.  I'm a pretty cool person.  I have a lot going for me and use to have a ton of friends, but depression and isolation pretty much ended that.  I basically have no one to talk to and I really know how much that sucks. 

My family is supportive enough, but their making things hard on me by making it seem like it's harder on them, when I know it isn't.  My mother has told me that she thinks I have a mental illness (called emt's and had me in a psych hospital a few weeks back) and that this came out of the blue, although I'd just been hiding it since about 5 years old and a big part of me not saying anything was because I didn't want to embarrass her.  I was also basically forced to go to college.  I'm pretty bright, but I knew that it would have been a better decision to figure myself out first, but the family insisted.  I took the major they wanted, graduated Summa Cum Laude, and now basically just have debt.  I can't really work, apart from my bum part time job, despite my being way overqualified.  It's because I feel like I can't.  How am I supposed to think of starting a career when I really can't even hash out a plan to quell my dysphoria?  Not to mention I have no business in the field I focused upon; it was all for them.  I've basically put my life on hold and I still have no idea what to do.  I'm probably about to start HRT, electrolysis and all, and that will simply add to my expenses.  I basically blame my family for not being there for me as a child and for forcing me to do things they wanted, but that I never wanted myself.  My family is pretty wealthy, literally, my entire family is blessed with wealth; all my 8 aunts, 5 uncles, 3 older cousins and their children are loaded.  I'm broke though, and it's indirectly (or directly) related to them, despite what anyone may say about it.  They aren't going to help, I wouldn't even ask, and their making it seem like I can just start a career without really understanding how afraid I am to do anything at all at this point.

People just don't seem to understand how soul crushing and debilitating dysphoria can be. For some reason, it's easier for some people to believe that you are a basket case than to believe you have a real condition that is treatable (with enough money of course). Personally, I think it's insane that although being transgender is a recognized medical phenomenon, that we are still basically screwed if we need anything more than hormone therapy to be able to live with ourselves. At least in the UK they are reasonable enough to cover the cost of hair removal with the NHS. We don't even get that...

Quote from: TheQuestion on August 07, 2014, 11:19:59 PM
What makes all of this worse is that I suffer from sever depression and insomnia.  I actually have tried to kill myself, once when I was 19 and then again not too long ago.  It was a bad decision and all I got was sick.  I really don't want to die anymore, but I'm afraid that one day I'll just have a knee-jerk reaction and stick a knife through my throat.  I'm trying, but it's scary to feel hopelessly trapped and like your time is running out.  I just started taking anti-depressants, but they don't seem to be working.  I've also tried everything available to get my sleeping schedule back in order, but nothing works, not even prescription medications.  It's sort of starting to make me feel sick.

Insomnia and chronic depression always seem to go together. It's actually been documented that insomnia is much more common among depressed people than the general population, though they still don't know the cause and effect relationship. Maybe something like Suvorexant would help you too. It's the first really effective sleep medication that you can take every single night without building a tolerance. I think it's going to be a life-changing thing for a lot of people, if the FDA would just get off their butts and approve it already.

Quote from: TheQuestion on August 07, 2014, 11:19:59 PM
The loneliness may be the worst part and I understand that.  You can PM me anytime you want, as often as you want, and about anything you want.  Whether you want to talk about dysphoria, make-up, fears, or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - I'm pretty much good to go on anything.  I'm diverse like that and I probably understand how you feel a lot more than you know, or maybe more than can be put into words.

Hehe, I haven't watched the Ninja Turtles since I was about 8 years old I think. Well, seeing clips from the last movie makes me think I made the right decision. But thanks, that really means a lot. Maybe later I could tell you about my little project to dig myself out of this mess. So far I haven't told another soul about it besides my brother.

Quote from: Miyuki on August 08, 2014, 12:03:22 AM
Hehe, I haven't watched the Ninja Turtles since I was about 8 years old I think. Well, seeing clips from the last movie makes me think I made the right decision. But thanks, that really means a lot. Maybe later I could tell you about my little project to dig myself out of this mess. So far I haven't told another soul about it besides my brother.

You made the right decision, they haven't been good since I was about 6 years old, just illustraighting that whatever you want to talk about is cool with me.

If you need someone to talk to you are more than welcome to contact me. Loneliness is my oldest friend it seems, but I've always been a good listener and am never far from email or the web.

all I was trying to covey is that you have a lot of life to live and happiness can be found no matter how bad it seems to be

I just wanted to do a quick update post to let everyone know how things have been going... I talked to my therapist yesterday, and I told her how I had been feeling lately and we came up with a plan that while not great, we both agreed was the best possible course of action without depending on uncertain factors like sleep medication or my ability to make money in the near future. What I am going to do, is to liquidate my life insurance policy completely, and use the money to pay for transition related costs (mostly hair removal, since it is such a huge dysphoria trigger for me) until my assets are below $2,000, at which point I can apply for SSI.

When I talked to my parents about this, I told them what I planned to do, and things pretty much went downhill from there. Even though they know I am depressed, and that I was even borderline suicidal while the were out of town for all of last week, they reacted with nothing but cold indifference. They offered my nothing in terms of support, and basically said that if I do this, I am not going to be able to depend on them for anything more than food water and shelter for the entire time between when I run out of life insurance money, and when I start getting money from SSI (assuming my application is even successful).

The conversation then moved on to topics such as how what I am doing is completely wrong, that I will regret it later, that I will never be a real woman, and other things of that nature. And when I reached the point where I couldn't take it anymore, I just snapped. I told them that they have done nothing but make my life miserable ever since I came out to them, and that I was done with them. As far as I am concerned, they are no longer my parents, and as soon as I am able to live somewhere else (something I am going to be looking into very seriously) I don't ever intend to talk to them again. And I am completely serious. This is not a heat of the moment kind of snap decision. This has been building for a long time now, ever since a series of events that occurred last year which lead my brother to nearly kill himself, and I had to get him hospitalized despite my parents fighting me the entire way, things haven't been the same. And really, even before that I never had a very good relationship with them.

My mom is a borderline sociopath. On the surface, she has always fulfilled her obligations as a parent, bought me nice things on my birthday and Christmas, and even taken me to Disney World a few times. But when I have really been in bad places in my life, and I really needed help, she has never been there for me. Sometimes she has reacted with cold indifference, expecting me to just solve my own problems, and other times she has actually made things worse. And my dad... My dad is a coward. He lost his first wife to cancer, which he never really emotionally recovered from, and as a result he unquestionably does everything my mom asks of him, out of fear that she might reject him and leave him alone again (fears that I will admit are not entirely unfounded, as my mom is a complete control freak). And right now he is in the process of succumbing to dementia, which does not put him in any sort of a position to think and act for himself.

Continuing to live with these people having control over my life isn't working, and it hasn't been for a long time. I just haven't been in a position where I could do anything about it. But it's now completely clear to me, that I need to find a way to move on as soon as possible, no matter what it takes. And you know, it's strange. You'd think under the circumstances, I would be beside myself just sobbing uncontrollably. But actually, it's the complete opposite, I feel better about things than I have in a long time. The complete lack of control I've had over my own circumstances has been one of the biggest contributors to my depression, and now that I'm finally doing something to take control, it's like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. At least I know now what I have to do to move forward, and I have some reasonable ideas about how to do it. That's more than I have had for a long time now. And I don't even feel that bad about what happened with my parents. We were already beyond the point where you could really say we cared about each other. My parents only continued to let me live with them out of a sense of obligation. They haven't show any sign of caring whether I was happy or not for a long time now. So I really think this is for for the best. If I don't do something now, things could just keep dragging on like they have been indefinitely, and if that continued for too long I think I really would be a serious suicide risk, so making a change right now is really the only thing to do.

Thanks for the update! I'm dealing with a lot of similar things right now, and feeling a lot of the same sort of "whatever it takes, ASAP" kind of stuff, so I feel a lot of this. I am really glad that trying to take control has given you some measure of the weight being lifted.

I'm kind of compelled though, to say that do not depend on any sort of SSI to support yourself before it is actually approved and you have it. It can take 2-3 years to get through several denials to be approved and fully kick in even if you are fully disabled, completely unable to work, and there is absolutely no reason whatsoever why you don't deserve to get it. There's back pay they give you when you're finally approved, but that doesn't help much in the meantime when you might have to get a lawyer to fight to get it through the system.

Quote from: Jera on August 12, 2014, 03:34:32 AM
Thanks for the update! I'm dealing with a lot of similar things right now, and feeling a lot of the same sort of "whatever it takes, ASAP" kind of stuff, so I feel a lot of this. I am really glad that trying to take control has given you some measure of the weight being lifted.

I'm kind of compelled though, to say that do not depend on any sort of SSI to support yourself before it is actually approved and you have it. It can take 2-3 years to get through several denials to be approved and fully kick in even if you are fully disabled, completely unable to work, and there is absolutely no reason whatsoever why you don't deserve to get it. There's back pay they give you when you're finally approved, but that doesn't help much in the meantime when you might have to get a lawyer to fight to get it through the system.

I'm all too aware of this fact. That's why I'm going to be contacting some family members to see if I could live with them for a while until I can get through the approval process. I'm working on documenting my condition (sleep disorder), so I should have everything together for that by the time my funds are low enough to send in an application. And because the impact of my condition is so clear and apparent (I'm 27 and I have never had a job in my life), they should have a very hard time justifying denying my claim as long as I am able to provide adequate documentation. That's what I hope at least, but I am going to try to find a lawyer soon to discuss things regarding whether they feel my case is winnable or not.

Really glad to hear that there's some sort of Plan B for you to fall back on in the meantime. And I really, really hope things work out for you in the end.

Unfortunately, though, they don't have to justify the denial at all. A lot of times, they deny the first application for the sake of denying it. You pretty much need a lawyer. The whole social security system is really messed up.

Hang in there, though, and it eventually does work. Eventually. I look forward to hearing how it works out for you.

Thanks. I'll be sure to let everyone know as things continue to develop.

Okay, so here are the latest developments. I have contacted my aunt, and I am going to be staying with her in New York for about three weeks in October to early November. This is going to be a sort of trial, and I'm still going to be returning home until at least the end of the year so I can wrap up a few things like getting my orchiectomy done.

For what it's worth, my parents gave me some money to help with things, but I am not really sure what to think about it. They still have shown no signs of accepting me, and I have no idea why they even did it. I was just checking my e-mail after having yet another fight with my mom and I noticed the money had been transfered to my account. Maybe they are starting to have a change of heart, or maybe they did it just to shut me up for a while. Time will tell I guess. I don't know if the money is even as important as the lack of acceptance, but the fact that they did have the money to help me and yet chose not to for nearly a year certainly didn't help our relationship.

I also learned recently that the FDA has finally approved the new sleeping drug that I had been following, and that it should be on sale some time in late 2014 to early 2015. This is incredible news for me, because it could mean things like being able to get a normal job, going back to school, and having a normal social life. Or it could just not work like so many other things I've tried. Again, time will tell.

Overall though, I am in a much better place with things than I was last week, and I am not feeling even remotely suicidal anymore. My newfound sense of well being is still somewhat tenuous, but I think things are moving in the right direction again.