I haven't posted in a long time, but I do log in everyday and check my messages, I have some good friends on here . But lately, I've been disillusioned with life, to the point where I don't think anything matters anymore. Over time, I've learnt that I don't really like to be addressed as a female, because if people saw me in real life, they wouldn't address me as one either. I don't feel like the time is right yet, or I'm not ready. I guess it hurts me, somewhere deep inside, that I'm currently unable to do anything about my dysphoria, except wait for better days.

Crossdressing doesn't do much for me at all, I wish it was that simple, It's much deeper than that, I wish people could understand. I know that people on here understand, I feel accepted, but when I get off the internet, and go out, and spend time with people, I realize that the real world is very different. There's still a long way to go before we're understood by most people. The real world does scare me very much. The urge is there to come out, I wish I had ONE real life friend who I could tell everything to, but I haven't found on, It doesn't look like I'll find one soon. In other words, I don't want to be all alone, all by myself.

I look for friends online, I find a few people, they tell their story, and I tell mine, but they disappear soon after. It hurts me very much when I share my personal life with someone, only for them to vanish two or three messages later. It happens so often, that I don't even look for friends online anymore. Some might say I'm too sensitive or that I'm expecting too much from 'internet friends', but I feel like there's a genuine person behind every profile.

I'm a person, first and foremost, my gender comes later. I don't want my gender to define me, I want to be known for something else. I've always felt non-binary but somewhere on the female side of things. It's hard living with dysphoria, but I don't want to make it an excuse for my failures. I won't let it control my life. There are certain things I need to do before I can do something about my problem, I need something to fall back on. When I think too far ahead (transition, passing), I lose focus on what needs to be done right now in order for me to do something later. To put it bluntly, I don't have the emotional strength, support or financial standing to do anything right now. I'm just not ready.

I know that I'm suffering, but I've never let people around me know about it, I still smile, I'm still nice to people. Most people think I'm a happy person, but I fear that one day people will tell me "Oh well, you were so happy for 25 years, now you say you want to change things?". If I said I wasn't really happy, I fear their response would be "Really? you were smiling all the time, and got along very nicely". The only person who knows a little bit about my problem is my mom, but she doesn't know the full story, because I don't think she's ready, maybe she'll never be.

Susan's can be great for me, but sometimes there are 'triggers' I guess, I avoid some threads, and don't post much these days. I wasn't this sensitive 2 or 3 years ago, I have no idea why I've changed so much.

So there you go people, I just want to let a few things out. I do feel like whatever I say or feel, doesn't really matter, but I still have some hope that some day things will change.

I don't know if this will help or anything, but I had an easier time finding friends (specifically, good friends who actually like me) after I came out as trans and started transitioning. I had barely anyone before I came out and definitely no one I trusted. I guess me being happier and acting more like myself attracts people and keeps them around. Maybe the same will happen for you.

CiCi
Thank you for posting.  Like you I have found that sometimes waiting is necessary, sometimes I take small steps forward and sometimes I take small steps in reverse.  I wish that this journey was less problematic, less challenging and the destination more obvious.  In many ways I feel that at times I find a favourable current or theme, other times I feel tossed by a storm and then at other times almost becalmed by emotion and loss of courage or even clarity.
For me my first step forward was to understand via therapy that I had dysphoria and I was trans*.  Sounds simple enough, but understanding what this might mean, could mean and did mean was never clear cut.  Then came low dose hrt, and peace.  Complete quiet, calm and equilibrium.  Emotional rightness, richness, almost euphoria but then .... physical change too quickly, primary relationships threatened, direction questioned, dysphoric history rewritten as of no real consequence.
My second breakthrough was a supportive endo who encouraged me to own my hrt therapy, empowered me to own this journey .. Reduced dosage, increased dosage, ceased hrt, then restarted  hrt..slowly but surely I understood how to dial back hrt until the dysphoria hummed but did not overpower, dialled up to enrich but not to transition...until the point where now I feel the current, the influence of emotional, professional and social winds and forces.
Tentatively I am now trying a few strokes and setting my course to more promising climes.  It feels good, it feels right and now I am confident that if this leg of my journey yields little benefit then I have a better sense of direction as my internal compass is now able to help me plot another course.
For the first time I feel that it is ok to rest, to pause, to experience and to be present here and now.  I am less obsessed with choosing a destination, a speed and the shortest path.  This is a good thing.  It is my journey and this is liberating.
I don't know if any of this makes sense. But along the way I have found that I have learned to celebrate who I am. Susans and the friends I have made here and elsewhere have brought untold gifts and blessing.
I now understand that I am trans* and I am non binary.  I own this descriptor but it doesn't define me.  I share this with friends, family and colleagues because it is part of my experience and to not share feels inauthentic and somewhat disrespectful.  I have learned that to hide, to act and to present as others expect, is a charade and damaging to my spirit, and to my relationships.
The above may sound a little random, but much of what you have shared struck a chord with me. I am 57 this year.  I have been traveling for some time but at last I have found myself in a very good place.  This  feels like this is my journey, it is my life and I thank you for sharing your travels with me. 
Safe travels
Aisla

From the looks of things I say your very intelligent. I think you and I are in a very similar situation. So, I will dissect your post slowly and give my thoughts. Hopefully, they can be of some use to you.

QuoteBut lately, I've been disillusioned with life, to the point where I don't think anything matters anymore. Over time, I've learnt that I don't really like to be addressed as a female, because if people saw me in real life, they wouldn't address me as one either. I don't feel like the time is right yet, or I'm not ready. I guess it hurts me, somewhere deep inside, that I'm currently unable to do anything about my dysphoria, except wait for better days.

Being disillusioned happens to the best of us and unfortunately I haven't figured out a way to get rid of it. But there is one thing you can do. Live by these five principels. They are the top 5 regrets of the dying.

• I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
• I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
• I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
• I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
• I wish that I had let myself be happier.
  

If you plant a bunch of seeds in the ground but only one grows.
You won't know what it is until it has grown for a while.
This works the same way. Other people are telling you what they wish they had grown.
Take their advice and cultivate these things and it will be less likely you will regret living the life you did, even if you think it's not worth it now. I understand your feelings of not wanting to be referred to as a girl. Since I haven't come out, it just feels like they are lying to me. They see a boy but they refer to me as a girl. How odd is that? I hope this goes away after transition but if it doesn't don't worry. It just means you are one step closer to finding out who you really are.

QuoteCrossdressing doesn't do much for me at all, I wish it was that simple, It's much deeper than that, I wish people could understand. I know that people on here understand, I feel accepted, but when I get off the internet, and go out, and spend time with people, I realize that the real world is very different. There's still a long way to go before we're understood by most people. The real world does scare me very much. The urge is there to come out, I wish I had ONE real life friend who I could tell everything to, but I haven't found on, It doesn't look like I'll find one soon. In other words, I don't want to be all alone, all by myself.

I look for friends online, I find a few people, they tell their story, and I tell mine, but they disappear soon after. It hurts me very much when I share my personal life with someone, only for them to vanish two or three messages later. It happens so often, that I don't even look for friends online anymore. Some might say I'm too sensitive or that I'm expecting too much from 'internet friends', but I feel like there's a genuine person behind every profile.

Crossdressing hasn't helped me much either. I feel it isn't the view of myself but they way others act towards me. I think if everyone acted like I was a girl, then my dysphoria would be minimal. Please be patient with your friends. I know you have had bad experiences but don't blame them(don't blame yourself either). I have a very good friend who I feel I can tell anything to, but I don't want to talk to her about it. Even though she knows I am trans. Friendships are complicated and there are two very different people involved. Sometimes one pulls away because of their own confusion and problems.

QuoteI'm a person, first and foremost, my gender comes later. I don't want my gender to define me, I want to be known for something else. I've always felt non-binary but somewhere on the female side of things. It's hard living with dysphoria, but I don't want to make it an excuse for my failures. I won't let it control my life. There are certain things I need to do before I can do something about my problem, I need something to fall back on. When I think too far ahead (transition, passing), I lose focus on what needs to be done right now in order for me to do something later. To put it bluntly, I don't have the emotional strength, support or financial standing to do anything right now. I'm just not ready.

I cannot transition because of similar reasons. I want to start an online business so I can raise the money I need, but then I get distracted by gender things. I have to pull my self back, or else I won't be able to transition. But then the cycle repeats. Transition and gender dominate my thoughts but I don't know how to stop it. Sorry I cant give advice in this area.

QuoteI know that I'm suffering, but I've never let people around me know about it, I still smile, I'm still nice to people. Most people think I'm a happy person, but I fear that one day people will tell me "Oh well, you were so happy for 25 years, now you say you want to change things?". If I said I wasn't really happy, I fear their response would be "Really? you were smiling all the time, and got along very nicely".

I feel the same way but here is how I look at it. After I transition I should appear happier and more lively, at least that's what most people seem to say, so they should notice a difference then. Also don't underestimate others, they may already know. No matter how good you are at hiding things, and we can get pretty good, you still give away small clues. Trust yourself and don't let others dictate who you are. Remember the top 5 regrets.

sorry my post was so long. I wanted to address most of your issues. I hope I have provided some insight. Good luck!!!

Thank you for all the replies I wasn't expecting such a response, I feel better It's a lot to take in, I will respond to each post when I have the time, I'm just a little caught up in work, right now.

Quote from: Edge on August 05, 2014, 08:57:12 AM
I don't know if this will help or anything, but I had an easier time finding friends (specifically, good friends who actually like me) after I came out as trans and started transitioning. I had barely anyone before I came out and definitely no one I trusted. I guess me being happier and acting more like myself attracts people and keeps them around. Maybe the same will happen for you.

It's not that I don't have good friends, it's just that I want to be able to tell someone everything without any inhibitions. I probably have one friend who I could open up to, I don't think it would change anything between us. I don't think he would be that surprised if I came out to him, he has seen behaving 'oddly', I guess. I have a feeling he has his doubts, when the time is right I will come out to him.

Quote from: Aisla on August 05, 2014, 09:15:43 AM
I have been traveling for some time but at last I have found myself in a very good place.  This  feels like this is my journey, it is my life and I thank you for sharing your travels with me. 
Safe travels
Aisla

I read your entire post, thank you very much for sharing , always helpful to hear from someone who is non-binary, because I think it's a term that can apply to me.

I hope I can find the answer some day, a lot of what you said are things I've considered, low dose, reduced dosage etc, I'm currently in no position to even seek help from a therapist. I think I should take small steps, maybe I'll find happiness or calm just like you did, it doesn't have to be all or nothing, like I sometimes feel.

Quoteam less obsessed with choosing a destination, a speed and the shortest path.  This is a good thing.  It is my journey and this is liberating.

Makes a lot of sense, I haven't even started my journey yet, but I tend to dwell in thoughts about my destination, maybe the journey is all I need, I don't know.

I'm fine with sharing that I'm trans*, but I don't want people to treat me differently when I do come out, I'm still the same person as before, it's a fear I have.

Quote from: goldphantom on August 05, 2014, 09:52:19 AM

• I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
• I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
• I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
• I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
• I wish that I had let myself be happier.
  

thank you <3

Quote from: goldphantom on August 05, 2014, 09:52:19 AM
From the looks of things I say your very intelligent. I think you and I are in a very similar situation.

Thank you.

QuoteSo, I will dissect your post slowly and give my thoughts. Hopefully, they can be of some use to you. Being disillusioned happens to the best of us and unfortunately I haven't figured out a way to get rid of it. But there is one thing you can do. Live by these five principels. They are the top 5 regrets of the dying.

• I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
• I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
• I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
• I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
• I wish that I had let myself be happier.
  

If you plant a bunch of seeds in the ground but only one grows.
You won't know what it is until it has grown for a while.

Thank you again, that helps, but it seems like It's already over, like I'm on a fool's errand, I feel like it's a lost cause. I don't know why I feel this way, I think I care a little too much about what other people think of me, not everyone, I don't really care what random strangers or people who I barely know think about me, but I do try to make everyone that is close to me happy.

I feel like if I live my life and not the life they expect me to live, it will shatter my relationships with them... but then.... that would mean, they're not really my friends, in a way, and they won't accept me for what I am.

Thank you very much for the 5 principles, You did help me understand myself a little.

QuoteI understand your feelings of not wanting to be referred to as a girl. Since I haven't come out, it just feels like they are lying to me. They see a boy but they refer to me as a girl. How odd is that? I hope this goes away after transition but if it doesn't don't worry.

Exactly, I feel the same way, I can't fool myself, or other people, I hope that it changes some day too.

QuoteIt just means you are one step closer to finding out who you really are.Crossdressing hasn't helped me much either. I feel it isn't the view of myself but they way others act towards me. I think if everyone acted like I was a girl, then my dysphoria would be minimal. Please be patient with your friends. I know you have had bad experiences but don't blame them(don't blame yourself either). I have a very good friend who I feel I can tell anything to, but I don't want to talk to her about it.

I have a friend too, I feel like it's not the right time yet, but he has always accepted me, and respected me. I came close to opening up to him on two occasions, but I chose not to at the very last moment, and I think I did the right thing. One day, I'm going to tell him, because I feel like he's always been supportive of me.

QuoteEven though she knows I am trans. Friendships are complicated and there are two very different people involved. Sometimes one pulls away because of their own confusion and problems.I cannot transition because of similar reasons. I want to start an online business so I can raise the money I need, but then I get distracted by gender things. I have to pull my self back, or else I won't be able to transition. But then the cycle repeats. Transition and gender dominate my thoughts but I don't know how to stop it. Sorry I cant give advice in this area.

Not a day goes by where I don't have gender dysphoria, In fact, not an hour goes by where I don't think about gender and stuff. It's frustrating and tiring, I feel like I should be having other thoughts, especially when I have more immediate things to worry about.

QuoteI feel the same way but here is how I look at it. After I transition I should appear happier and more lively, at least that's what most people seem to say, so they should notice a difference then. Also don't underestimate others, they may already know. No matter how good you are at hiding things, and we can get pretty good, you still give away small clues. Trust yourself and don't let others dictate who you are. Remember the top 5 regrets.

sorry my post was so long. I wanted to address most of your issues. I hope I have provided some insight. Good luck!!!

I get the feeling my friend suspects that I'm gay or at least different, I'm not sure, I think he has seen me browsing transgender and lbgt websites, and my mom knows something's up, because I've told her a little, and my cousin straight up asked me if I was gay, but I'm not gay.... lol,

QuoteI think I care a little too much about what other people think of me, not everyone, I don't really care what random strangers or people who I barely know think about me, but I do try to make everyone that is close to me happy.

I don't care what strangers think of me either. I've actually done some pretty stupid stuff in front of strangers. I care a little more of what my friends think of me.
And while I don't admit it to them, my immediate family are the only ones I care about. I am a very reserved and private person.
I can give a few examples that illustrate this.
This is actually very embarrassing but when I was in college(I didn't know I was trans just feminine) I wanted to see how people would react to seeing my underwear.
I was wearing a pink frilly thong that day. I got the strongest reactions in the men's restroom.
I would sit in a stall and I would make sure my underwear was visible from outside. Most reactions were just curious stares. I don't think they expected someone like me to come out of the stall.

I want to mention that I didn't take this lightly. I made sure to do it in a safe place, a restroom that was relatively active, on a college campus with campus police on site.
I hate confrontation but I needed to know what reactions people would have to me being feminine. I didn't care what they thought, I would never see them again anyways.
It may have been stupid but it has helped me immensely.

Another similar situation happened when I was working at disney world in Florida. I took a shower and put my underwear on the curtain rail.
Unfortunately, I forgot to take them with me when I got out. Soon all five of my roommates knew and called me into the bathroom. One of the pointed up and my heart sank.
But I knew that if I showed embarrassment or denied ownership, things would be much worse. So I said "oh, its mine" then grabbed them and said thank you.
No one ever brought it up again, but if they had I would have defended myself. Its like you said if they don't like me, then I don't want them anywhere near me.

My family doesn't know I am transgender but my mom knows about the clothes I wear, she even asked me about a skirt I had in my room. I shook it off and didn't answer.
My brother once caught me watching a YouTube video that was titled "How do you know if your transgender". So yes I know they have some Idea.

When I wanted to go to Disney I tried to tell my parents about it but they disagreed. They said I wasn't ready to be on my own. I decided not to go and I was very disappointed.
I got another opportunity a couple years later. I did things differently this time around. I didn't ask I just said "I have applied and If I am accepted I will be going to Florida".
I am so glad I did. It has been one the best experiences of my life. So here's the gist of it. If my family doesn't accept me, it will be a severe blow to me.
However, I will not allow it to stop me from being me. I'm the one living my life and I don't want to be on my deathbed regretting not transitioning.
It is already difficult to deal with the slow process much less putting it off indefinitely. Be yourself regardless of what anyone else thinks.

QuoteI get the feeling my friend suspects that I'm gay or at least different, I'm not sure, I think he has seen me browsing transgender and lbgt websites, and my mom knows something's up, because I've told her a little, and my cousin straight up asked me if I was gay, but I'm not gay....

lol my mom thought I was gay. It is one of the reasons she didn't want me to go to Florida. The funny thing is my roommate was gay! I am often asked by people, who are trying to get to know me, if I have a girlfriend. I say no then they instinctively ask "boyfriend?". I think it is because I have feminine mannerisms.

Quote from: CiCi Confused on August 05, 2014, 08:28:53 AM
I look for friends online, I find a few people, they tell their story, and I tell mine, but they disappear soon after. It hurts me very much when I share my personal life with someone, only for them to vanish two or three messages later. It happens so often, that I don't even look for friends online anymore. Some might say I'm too sensitive or that I'm expecting too much from 'internet friends', but I feel like there's a genuine person behind every profile.

Quote from: CiCi Confused on August 05, 2014, 10:03:59 AM
It's not that I don't have good friends, it's just that I want to be able to tell someone everything without any inhibitions. I probably have one friend who I could open up to, I don't think it would change anything between us.

Yeah I get that. Who to share with?:
- Cis people - they'll only understand so far, then they get uncomfortable. So you can't tell them everything. I'm not knocking cis people, but they're just not that qualified for the support you need. If you've been moving through your life in stealth, I assume most of your real life friends are cis?

- Other trans* people - we suffer from compassion fatigue. First of all, each of us has our own baggage. Then we're immersed in a world (online or offline) that involves a lot of other trans* people and we hear these stories a lot. There's only so much a human can bear before the say "you know what? I had enough depressing stories for today." And so you get people who listen but disconnect easily. Don't take it personally. Look on the bright side, they took the time to listen and commiserate even for a short while.

My own solution is to cast a wide net. Offline and online. Some people you meet will disappear. A few will stay longer. Some will only be there for good times and party stuff. A few will listen to your troubles. Most importantly, I don't feel like I'm smothering one person with all of my emotional needs, so they will be less likely to run.

Quote from: JesseG on August 06, 2014, 12:00:51 PM
Yeah I get that. Who to share with?:
- Cis people - they'll only understand so far, then they get uncomfortable. So you can't tell them everything. I'm not knocking cis people, but they're just not that qualified for the support you need. If you've been moving through your life in stealth, I assume most of your real life friends are cis?

- Other trans* people - we suffer from compassion fatigue. First of all, each of us has our own baggage. Then we're immersed in a world (online or offline) that involves a lot of other trans* people and we hear these stories a lot. There's only so much a human can bear before the say "you know what? I had enough depressing stories for today." And so you get people who listen but disconnect easily. Don't take it personally. Look on the bright side, they took the time to listen and commiserate even for a short while.

My own solution is to cast a wide net. Offline and online. Some people you meet will disappear. A few will stay longer. Some will only be there for good times and party stuff. A few will listen to your troubles. Most importantly, I don't feel like I'm smothering one person with all of my emotional needs, so they will be less likely to run.

A very good post.

You are right in the fact not many stick around when they are faced with so much sadness and depression in many who they try to help.

That is why the Post community are very few and far between.

They are burnt out from there own transition and wish to put that all behind them.

I give so much respect to the staff and membership that are here and give so much support to others.

I know many are struggling with there own demons and fears but still they come here and offer there support.

I know this is off topic but wanted to say thank you for your post.

I agree about being caught up with our own problems, but i just hope they resorted something other than vanishing, maybe some have problems, but others i see posting away on the same websites and making new friends,

i don't get upset when just anyone breaks contact but those who i share personal stuff with, its not just that i want them to listen to me, i want to listen to them to.

but its really my fault,,getting too attached to people, i realize friending someone on the internet takes just a single click of the button.

I just hope i didn't come across the wrong way, because I understand other people's problems too, i do appreciate the short time they've spent listening to me and sharing their own stories with me, i also am thankful for the replies i get here, from people who probably have it much worse than i do, i don't want to upset anyone, if this was a pointless attention seeking thread, I'm sorry. I don't really offer support to anyone, so now i feel like i shouldn't be the one complaining.

@goldphantom

thanks for sharing your story  , i just wish i was that brave, I've often thought about "screw it, i shouldn't care", but never been able to do it. If my mom found a skirt, she'd think im hiding a girl somewhere, lol. In a way, i feel like im on the same boat as gay people, but i don't know what is worse.

Quote from: JesseG on August 06, 2014, 12:00:51 PM
Yeah I get that. Who to share with?:
- Cis people - they'll only understand so far, then they get uncomfortable. So you can't tell them everything. I'm not knocking cis people, but they're just not that qualified for the support you need. If you've been moving through your life in stealth, I assume most of your real life friends are cis?

yes, stealth, faking a little, but there are some aspects of myself that will never change, like my interests and personality, that will never change, and my closest friends know this.

Quote- Other trans* people - we suffer from compassion fatigue. First of all, each of us has our own baggage. Then we're immersed in a world (online or offline) that involves a lot of other trans* people and we hear these stories a lot. There's only so much a human can bear before the say "you know what? I had enough depressing stories for today." And so you get people who listen but disconnect easily. Don't take it personally. Look on the bright side, they took the time to listen and commiserate even for a short while.

i appreciate what little time they spend with me, but i guess it is greedy of me to want more than they have to offer.

QuoteMy own solution is to cast a wide net. Offline and online. Some people you meet will disappear. A few will stay longer. Some will only be there for good times and party stuff. A few will listen to your troubles. Most importantly, I don't feel like I'm smothering one person with all of my emotional needs, so they will be less likely to run.

I'm able to look at my own flaws, and,i guess i want my story to be heard, the full story, if i were to die tomorrow, nobody would ever know . I try to reach out to people and listen to them, i don't do that with everyone, sometimes people reach out to me too, so it's not all making other people feel bad,

i have no guilt in admitting that the majority of my posts here are not worth anyone's time and I've certainly never been the most supportive, every thread and every post is about myself.

CiCi the more you post the more I feel like you are a past me from a different dimension. We think in a very similar fashion.

QuoteI'm able to look at my own flaws, and, i guess i want my story to be heard, the full story, if i were to die tomorrow, nobody would ever know.

I know I am going to be someone big someday and I want my autobiography and any other biographies written about me to be as accurate as possible. I keep a journal where I write anything and everything that I feel deserves to be written. While I don't write in it everyday I do write often. I have had it for round 5 months now and it is great to go back and look at the progress I have made.

Quotei have no guilt in admitting that the majority of my posts here are not worth anyone's time and I've certainly never been the most supportive, every thread and every post is about myself.

Quotei also am thankful for the replies i get here, from people who probably have it much worse than i do, i don't want to upset anyone, if this was a pointless attention seeking thread, I'm sorry. I don't really offer support to anyone, so now i feel like i shouldn't be the one complaining.

Two things:
     1. You never know how many people's lives you have changed. Most people will never mention to you that they look up to you, or that you have affected them positively. All you can do is continue on living your life the way you want to. When I was in high school I fell and hurt my ankle. As everyone passed me unfazed one gentleman stopped and helped me to the nurses office. This was a person I didn't really like. I never told him or even thanked him, but I am forever grateful for his kindness and generosity. 

     2. I know you feel like you haven't given support to anyone but that's ok. You are still learning, growing and figuring things out. A baby receives everything it needs from someone else. Babies don't have anything they can give or trade for in exchange for the love and nourishment they need. But there is one thing a baby is born with that is more important than anything they can trade. And that is he potential for change. Potential decreases as we age and unfortunately most people will let their potential slip away.

That is why most of us are here. To find answers and to give answers. Don't worry about taking all that you need and when you've emerged then you can thank us by using all of your potential.

I hope I don't sound like Some "high and mighty" person. I am a visual person and I need to "see" analogies. That is why I always give examples.

I came to a realization in my transgender support group recently and I will be writing a post about it. I think you will find it helpful. I will title it "dating a person" or "finally liberated" and it should be on by the end of today or at the end of tomorrow at the latest.

Quote from: goldphantom on August 07, 2014, 09:40:19 AM
CiCi the more you post the more I feel like you are a past me from a different dimension. We think in a very similar fashion.I know I am going to be someone big someday and I want my autobiography and any other biographies written about me to be as accurate as possible. I keep a journal where I write anything and everything that I feel deserves to be written. While I don't write in it everyday I do write often. I have had it for round 5 months now and it is great to go back and look at the progress I have made.Two things:

     1. You never know how many people's lives you have changed. Most people will never mention to you that they look up to you, or that you have affected them positively. All you can do is continue on living your life the way you want to. When I was in high school I fell and hurt my ankle. As everyone passed me unfazed one gentleman stopped and helped me to the nurses office. This was a person I didn't really like. I never told him or even thanked him, but I am forever grateful for his kindness and generosity. 

     2. I know you feel like you haven't given support to anyone but that's ok. You are still learning, growing and figuring things out. A baby receives everything it needs from someone else. Babies don't have anything they can give or trade for in exchange for the love and nourishment they need. But there is one thing a baby is born with that is more important than anything they can trade. And that is he potential for change. Potential decreases as we age and unfortunately most people will let their potential slip away.

That is why most of us are here. To find answers and to give answers. Don't worry about taking all that you need and when you've emerged then you can thank us by using all of your potential.

I hope I don't sound like Some "high and mighty" person. I am a visual person and I need to "see" analogies. That is why I always give examples.

I came to a realization in my transgender support group recently and I will be writing a post about it. I think you will find it helpful. I will title it "dating a person" or "finally liberated" and it should be on by the end of today or at the end of tomorrow at the latest.

Thank you, but I do feel rather selfish, I wouldn't be feeling selfish if I wasn't selfish.

In real life, outside the internet, I think I have positively affected a lot of people, my best friend told me he learned a lot from me, a month ago, which meant a lot to me, I was flattered, because I never thought I was possible. Being trans has made me learn to be more accepting of people, I'm not very judgemental, I just observe people. But again, this whole block text was about me and irrelevant, so there you go.

Your incident reminds me of an incident of my own, there used to be in my school who would terrorize kids, (with good intentions), I accidentally tripped him, and he fell, I thought I was going to get slapped, but he looked at me, smiled and moved on. I will never ever forget that incident.

My dysphoria makes me feel like I'm younger than I am, I'm 23, but feel more like 19 mentally, Time just flew by, but I wasn't ready,

Thank you, I'll look forward to your posts.

CiCi I was going to finish my new post today just like I mentioned. However something happened that prevented me from doing that. I had over three quarters of it done and then I became disillusioned. I felt so strongly about it yesterday and now I am just not sure anymore. It was about me realizing that I was a girl. Something I have directly questioned for over 5 months and indirectly for over 5 years.

But this post isn't about gender. Disillusion is a common theme throughout my life and I know we mentioned it before on this thread. I need a lot of money for my transition: hormones, surgery, electrolysis, etc. but I can't be bothered to work hard for it, but not for a lack of trying. I own my own business but I hate doing it. I have started several websites that I drop after a few months. I have a book that is half written but I can't find the motivation to finish it. Right now I am working on a website that helps people build a better online dating profile. I hope that it can be helpful to the LGBT community. I am excited about it but I can't seem to focus on it.

I googled "nothing seems worth doing" and found this article in psychology today about depression http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/prefrontal-nudity/201206/the-mysterious-fog.

After reading this article it makes sense to me that I would be depressed. I never though that I could have depression. Although, I have doubts about that too. It is very subtle. I don't have thoughts of suicide and I don't feel depressed. I finally scheduled a session with a therapist in a couple of weeks. It was originally for my gender dysphoria, but now I think I have a deeper underlying issue I need to take care of.

I wrote this more as an apology, for not posting what I was going to, than to give any helpful information. I don't really know how to overcome this but maybe it can give you some insight into your situation.

We all get tired of the bs in life and need to vent at times other wise we would all go crazy
Do not feel bad you got to take care of yourself before you can help others