Quote from: LeftistLeslie on August 10, 2014, 09:15:11 PM
"I'm not comfortable with you going out like that. Here, in Arlington, in Jacksonville, someone might stab you. Or someone from work might see you. What do you get out of going out like that? Why do you have to do this? What are you going to do when you can't be a teacher anymore? I just want to understand. Why can't you just do that at home? Why did you come out on facebook?"
I don't know how to answer other than to say it is what it is, this is who I am. I'm becoming a woman. Women go out in public sometimes. They also work too. I'm a sexual minority, and yes people committing hate crimes or discriminating is a thing. There is nothing I can do about it.
"I can understand you being gay, maybe even bisexual but this...It feels like you are committing a slow suicide" She bursts into tears. I am without words.
I have had a few similar conversations with my mother recently. However, because home for me is a part of the Caribbean in which being attacked for being gay (being trans, cross-dressing, etc. are all lumped together in people's minds as the same "deviant un-Christian behaviour"), I have not actually presented as female in front her yet, beyond showing her photos of myself in girl mode. Even just the photos were a big problem for her, so I can sympathise.
My suggestions would be these: tell her that you came out on Facebook, present as female whe you go out, etc. because you know, beyond any doubt, that you are a woman. To dress up only at home, to pretend in front your friends on social media, etc. would be to deny who you are. Dressing up at home is like playing a little game; it implies you can do it every now and then in secret to get it out of your system, have your little fun, and all will be well once you've done your "quota" for the day. But for her to imply that you should dress at home trivialises (if you use this word, perhaps preface it with "but with all due respect" or something similar to soften it) the reality that you are, full-time, a woman, that you cannot just get something out of your system. It hurts you to tell her this, and you know that she is saying these things because she loves you, but you would not have put her or yourself through any of this stress if you were not 100% certain of your identity as transgender, as a transwoman, as a woman. It is not something, tell her, that you would have chosen, and it is not her fault or based on anything that she "did" to you; and, if you can present as a female, it will not be a problem because you accept who you are.
Most people, you could tell her, have an identity like a hallway: it goes in one way, and the doorway that leads to who you are is always open. But for those of us who are transgender, that doorway is often forcibly closed for most of our life. We can hear music, laughter, life on the other side, but until we begin living as who we know we are, that door--such a fundamental part of anyone's identity--remains closed. Tell her how painful that has been for you. And that the only way to get rid of that pain is to live as a woman, to show yourself to the rest of the world, just as everyone does. To show your boy form to the rest of the world is
not to show yourself, but to walk around wearing a mask.
Be firm with her that you will always be careful when you go out; this, after all, is a common concern for parents. Perhaps even tell her, if she insists it is not safe, that you are in a relatively safe place compared to some other parts of the world; it would be much more dangerous if you lived in Jamaica, for instance, or Russia. Tell her you have thought through this for a long time and that you would never do anything to willfully endanger yourself. Sometimes, just reassuring a parent, showing that you care for her/his concern, can do a great deal.
I hope some of this helps.
