hello everybody,
My name is Emma. I have a loving family of three. My husband, myself and our precious girl. Yesterday, my husband told me that he has been having fantasies of sleeping with a transexual and his feeling are becoming more and more needed as time goes by.  I asked him did this attraction start since he married me and he said no, he has had those attraction but he never payed any attention to it cause it didnt bother him. but now that it does, he came to me for help. He says he loves me dearly and our sexual relationship in bed is enough for him. On the other side he also says, he has the urge (1 to 2 times a month) to look at transsexual porn.i told him from what i heard from him, He is bisexual. He said no, becuase he will never sleep with a gay man. I told him, "but u do understand that in reality  the person that looks like a female has a penis. he said yes. i told him, so your okay with a male that looks like a female with male parts to have sexual intercourse with you. He said yes. Once again  I told him your bisexual. He said, "you dont understand, I dont want to have any relationship with them i just want to have sex with them and im very ashamed that i am feeling this way, how can i fix myself. I dont want to have feeling for transexuals. i told him so basically are attracted to a womans look but also mans penis. he said yes only if they are both on the same person. What was shocking to me  was when he said he wants the transexual to give him anal sex. he also joked around by saying he is going to get me and himself drunk and both of us are going to have sex with a transexual. I laughed and i told him not happening. i really dont know what to do cause i dont want to lose my husband and to be honest i dont want him to be attracted to anybody exxcept myself. I feel like he is confused, but in reality i also think he is bisexual. On a side note once during our intercourse, i explored with his anus and he said he liked it. so i know if i tell him to go explore with a transsexual he is most likely going to like it so i dont want him to take that step. I want to know what i can do to take him out of his fantasy. He is really stressed out about what his feelings are telling him. I want to know if anybody can help me help my husband. Can anybody please give me suggestion on what to do next.

Also, i would like to say sorry if i have hurt anybodies feelings. I have not done anything intentionaly. Also i am extremely new to all this.
thank you to allt he poepl in advance who help me.

That sounds very stressful Emma.

If it helps, your husband does not sound bisexual.  He is not attracted to men because he is not attracted to masculinity or male bodies.  A lot of people are confused by this, because they think of transexual women as men which is not actually true.

  Because of hormone replacement therapy rewriting our bodies to use our female dna, our features are female, we have female curves and secondary sex characteristics.  Basically we send the same signals that attract straight minds to women.

  The fantasy men have about us is very common indeed. It rates as one of the cost common fetishes on the net.  Some people theorize that is because we are female bodies, female minds, but with genitals a man can understand.  He knows the pleasure he gives because he has experienced it.  Vaginas can be a bit confusung for a man, I am sure you know.

Look I personally think the best thing to do is let your husband know you believe him about not being bisexual, and that he should not feel ashamed of his needs.  They are common, if currently taboo among men... but it is VERY common.  He will feel better knowing you understand him a bit better and accept him for who he is.

Then I would sit down and explain that you entered into the marriage with the understanding it was monogamous, and that you need to feel confident he won't cheat on you, and that you are not comfortable joking about threesomes of any sort.  If you can share with him some fantasies of yours that you never got to experience- but chose to never have in order to be with him that may help.   Let him know that him and the security he gives you is important.

You may like to discuss this with a marriage councilor.  Many couples use therapists to keep on track- it can be really helpful to have someone there to mediate.  My wife and I use one occasionally for fights we cant resolve.  We are going great!

If you are feeling a little more adventurous maybe talk about adding a'strap on' to your bedroom antics.  Make it a game.

your husband may be disappointed if he actually slept with a transexual woman.  The majority of us don't actually like penetrating with our penis because we don't feel like it belongs to us... our brains are wired up physically to run a womans body.  It can be very weird for us and we lose interest quickly in that role.  Some of us feel sick at the very idea of being in a male role.  Gives me the heebies, personally. 

  Transexual porn is very misleading... the girls have to modify their hormone replacement therapy just to maintain an erection and they use lots of edits and cuts.

good luck and best wishes.  I hope this helps.

one thing about fantasies is that they get worse and worse the more you deny them. and another is that they're only fantasies. i have some rather awkward fantasies that would never happen in real life, and i'm quite glad that they won't because i have a feeling that i'd be rather displeased if anything from my worse fantasies actually happened.

fantasizing about sex with a transsexual woman is a little different from my fantasies, mostly because there are a whole lot of transsexual women out there (or on here) who haven't removed their penis (yet). the fantasy is something that could theoretically happen, and i'm sure your husband is struggling a lot with this. it might be a bit like how i as a bisexual person still chose to not go for a person of the same sex as me, because it would most likely ruin some very close family relations. i'm not married though, so i wouldn't breaking any trust based relationship, but still.

as emmaline wrote, most transsexual women are completely uninterested in using their penis for penetration, so your husband is likely to be very disappointed if he tries out his fantasy with a transsexual person. but do let him keep the fantasy, it's no worse than women fantasizing about being taken by a perfect stranger who's also perfect in bed. except that it seems to bother him more. you could suggest trying with a strap-on device if the thought isn't repulsive to you, finding new ways to enjoy each other in bed isn't bad at all, even if ideas come from fantasies that many believe are weird (but are actually very common).

He would probably love strap on sex with you. If your ok with it, he would probably get off on that a lot.

But only if YOU are comfy with it. 

Its kind of a shame that so many people still think and say that if a straight man has sex with a trans woman, he must be gay.? If a person identifies as female, even having a penis, you are having sex with a female.. Plus, some trans females that haven't had SRS, don't use their penis during sex, and think of it as not to even belong on the body they visualize themselves having..
What I mean is, a CIS man and a trans woman, are simply a man and woman...

Quote from: emmaghev on August 20, 2014, 04:31:23 AMi told him from what i heard from him, He is bisexual.

You think he's bisexual because he wants to have sex with a woman?

Quote from: emmaghev on August 20, 2014, 04:31:23 AMHe said, "you dont understand, I dont want to have any relationship with them i just want to have sex with them

So he doesn't want to treat transexual women as people. He wants to use them as objects for his own gratification.

I'm pretty pissed off at both of you and don't understand why you feel the need to come onto a trans support site.

Quote from: Edge on August 20, 2014, 09:52:09 AM

I'm pretty pissed off at both of you and don't understand why you feel the need to come onto a trans support site.

Might be she's looking for answers that you aren't able to give her, it's obviously better left up to a trans woman to respond to in a polite and friendly manner.

Quote from: Shantel on August 20, 2014, 11:27:46 AM
Might be she's looking for answers that you aren't able to give her, it's obviously better left up to a trans woman to respond to in a polite and friendly manner.

Of course. Because as someone who has been objectified myself as well as been told I'm not really the gender I am, I obviously have no idea how offensive that is. (That was sarcastic.)
Trans women can respond how they want. That doesn't mean I can't also.

Quote from: Edge on August 20, 2014, 11:39:29 AM
Of course. Because as someone who has been objectified myself as well as been told I'm not really the gender I am, I obviously have no idea how offensive that is. (That was sarcastic.)
Trans women can respond how they want. That doesn't mean I can't also.

Yeah you can, best to be polite and not so prickly though hon, the lady is looking for answers.

I don't see this as an issue only transwomen can respond to. What the husband said is quite offensive and dehumanizing. If he gets his kicks from looking at TS porn, what is the big deal, don't be so horrified. If he likes a bit of anal exploration and your happy to accommodate, go you two, but really what an earth can any of us say to help you? and what help are you exactly looking for - if any?

Emma, is the question you're not asking us something along the lines of: "I think my husband wants to become a girl"?

i think it might be a good idea to calm down a little and realize that not only trans people need support in their lives. i was once a sheltered young woman myself, and thought all kinds of wrong things about sexuality, something which definitely put limitations and strain on my first relationship, because i didn't understand some of the things that my partner wanted, and interpreted things in completely wrong ways. just because i had grown up with this is a sin and that is a sin, and if anybody wants that, they obviously are like so and so.

it takes time to learn how to communicate about other sexual practices than the missionary position, especially if one grew up with prejudice everywhere around. it takes time to explore one's own fantasies and likes. and attacking people because they have no idea where to ask for help, really won't help anyone. it's better to calmly and politely explain where the person's misconceptions lie, and how those things actually are.

you can't expect everybody to understand everything, even less everything about transsexualism. i only had a vague understanding of it myself when i was younger, took me like, 20 years to find out what really was wrong with myself. people who don't even have the experience, will have an even harder time understanding this.

it's a real shame if you don't take this time to educate a person who even seems to be wanting knowledge. even if they aren't too sure about exactly which knowledge it is they need, or how to phrase questions the right way.

Using medical terms, it's called gynemimetophilia. He is straight but gynemimetophillic, for example, a guy who is attracted to pregnant women is straight but at the same time he is maiesiophilic. It's latin and quite a long way of saying it, but the only medical term to describe attraction to trans women or men is gynemimetophilia

I agree, no need to get mad. I also agree that it will never happen in all likelyhood. The idea of sticking the thing i do not even mast- with into a slimy hole w/feces in it is disgusting to think of. But, i am asexual as well, so... No. and really we are all flawed and we are not hearing it from the hoarses mouth so we can not know how he feels. No cause for anger over second hand information.

Emmaline, I think a counselor dealing with sexuality and marriage is in order.

What your husband expressed can be triggering (bad for trans), good luck. 

First off emmaghev, sometimes fantasies that we have had and have built up and built up over time, if ever gets as chance to become true often are not what we thought them to be. In other words, fantasies are fantasies. I kind of agree with Edge and Shantel so I will be extremely gentle. I really don't care too much about being objectified. I don't mind feeling a little sexy but not as just a sexual object. Does that make sense?

I would almost bet money that this is something that your husband has built up over time in his mind and if ever it came true, he might not even be able to go through with it. I would do like someone suggested and go to the nearest toyshop and get what was suggested. And then just maybe a little role playing with your husband. This may in fact be all that he needs. Maybe watch a little porn with trans women in it together and how he reacts watching it with you may indicate if it is just a blown up larger than life fantasy or something he truly may want. And if not take it from there.

But with the "toy", I can almost bet you can fulfill that fantasy because trans women are women. Its just we got a little something extra a lot of the time and sometimes it don't even work anymore depending upon a lot of factors. So he most certainly isn't gay or bi if he is strictly attracted to trans women. And I would almost bet that it may just be the feeling of vulnerability of being on the receiving end than anything else. So try that first and it isn't that uncommon hon for guys to like, God I hate talking like this not on the sexuality forum, anal penetration. It stimulates the prostate and psychologically gives him a feeling of relinquishing control ,surrendering to his lover and so on due to everyday stress.

I kind of hope this helps a little and gives you some ideas how to proceed.

I'm on the male side of transition, but I've been married to a man for a very long time by most estimates. I can't give much advice about his particular desires but have you two tried experimenting? My husband and I have a pretty active sec life and it's not exactly conventional but quite healthy. Once we started playing out fantasies with the two of us and some aides we had a much more fulfilled sex life. We find that the conventional two positions are a little dull.

Another thing to remember is that your husband isn't bisexual or gay. He's attracted to women and trans women are women. It can be confusing, but just looking around this site and talking to the ladies here you'll see that they really are just women with some different life experiences and situations. It's no different that a woman from America talking to a woman from Indonesia; their lives are different but they are still women. Much better women then I ever was, even when I tried my best.

Just talk with your husband and if you two decide to experiment, only do what makes you BOTH feel comfortable. Don't concede just because he wants something very specific. Contrary to what some men say, it's very easy to control urges. Good luck to you, OP.

ETA: I'm not going to put my personal feelings in on this topic. It's already potentially a powder keg and I'm going to assume that the OP meant no offense. I would rather assume the best than the worst.  Yes, I know what it's like to be objectified by men better than a lot of people, and I know what it feels like to be assaulted. I still have nightmares, so I can sympathize with the fear and invalidation that a lot of trans women are forced to feel. I like to think the OP came here to ask opinions and have input from the population her husband is fetishizing. While I don't think it's okay to turn a person into a fetish (it started happening to me when I was 11) I do think it's important to acknowledge that they exist.

I agree with Edge, and I don't see why we can't have an opinion on this. If he sees transgender women as women, that is not bisexuality. If he sees them as men who look like women, then yes, he might be bisexual to some degree - but he has a twisted and incorrect idea of what and who a trans woman is. Transgender women are women, Emma. Have you asked him if he understands and believes that?

Emma came to us for help, she is distressed and does not know where to turn.

Yes, we are objectified.  Yes, cis men treat us horribly and violently.  Yes, society needs to be taught the truth about transgender people, use respectful language and accept us.

But Emma isn't here to hurt or insult us, she is is scared and needs advice.

Being offended and prickly will not help people learn we are human.  Being human will.

This is what Laverne Cox and Janet Mock did right- they used it as a teachable moment.


Don't worry about and please forgive any negative responses Emma- we encounter violence, bigotry and very often murder, it is super stressful being trans.