Why not, this is relevant to me today lol.
The truth is, I have some really, really deep-seated issues with my transition. HRT is one of the best things I have ever done for myself, I have a lot more inner peace, I am more stable, I feel like I am finally in a place for growth, and being seen as male feels very authentic, to the point where it is almost a relief after being seen as a woman for so long.
But sometimes, I get into a really bad headspace about it. I think about the person I used to be and it takes me on a rollercoaster. On one hand, I remember how I could just never adjust to being in a female body, and how angry that made me. That scares me and kind of depresses me that I was ever once like that. But on the other hand, the actual process of transition, while a good thing for me, has left a lot of damage. Becoming the man I am exposed me to a lot of hurtful words and betrayal from my loved ones, a lot of abandonment from friends, going from being treated like a normal human being to a freak of nature, at worst, and a special little "gay" token at best. At least as a girl, I didn't have to worry about these sorts of things because everything matched up.
When I was a girl, I could just lie about everything I was, I never had to expose myself, I had this persona that I could put through anything because it didn't feel like the real me. But the moment I truly acknowledged my maleness, and could no longer deny it, I feel like I become exposed to the world. So many people say they felt liberated upon coming out, but I felt scared and I still do. It's been 5 years. I felt vulnerable the day I stopped hiding this truth about myself and that vulnerability has never gone away. Sometimes, when my head gets really bad, like it did today, I try to romanticize the time when I was a girl, rationalizing to myself that it was safer, and easier.
I feel like at some point I will have to acknowledge that the things I went through as a result of coming out as trans, over the years, have probably traumatized me on some level. There's no shame in it, given that it is a difficult process, but sometimes I feel very alone in these feelings.
