*hug*
There are lots of hands reaching to you.  We may not fully understand your situation, but we want to see you out of your quagmire.

If the most you can manage is a small step, reach for it.

I don't think of you as hopeless from two years of therapy - what you're going through can take a long time to recover from.

Thank you luna, that means a lot. I guess you're right, it does take a lot of time and effort. *hugs*

 who doesn't.   stop wallowing in self pity and feeling sorry for yourself.  so your trans and depressed so are quite a few people.
As time passes the depression lessens  and is much easier to cope with.  It's like you grow out of it as you get older
try to find something to occupy yourself with.   Depression is  .  don't let it win.
 

Be honest with yourself and figure out who you are. If you feel you are female, you are and nobody changes that. Everytime you go out from then on till the operation you just got to have the idea that its all a matter of time till things will change.

That brings me to the point: DON'T EVER apologize for who you are and being who you are. Everything starts with self love. Your appearance is only one part of you! If you do what you want to do, do your passions, ... you will feel that. Thats why music is so poweful, its something you choose and love in it.
You got to change your life. Change will help you, fear will freeze you and nothing will change. Its better that someone hates you for who you are then someone who loves you for you are not. Realize that the pressure you have is only made by you and not by others. That means you are also the one who can change it! Don't feel bad for how you look, know that inside you already are who you want to be. That you WILL become a female from the outside as well someday!  Feel the happy idea about it and look for a local community with other like-minded people.

How hard it may seem, do not sit in your room and wait. Go outside, walk in nature, talk with close friends and do something you love (drawing, languages, swimming, ... ) And when you see yourself in the mirror do not think negative. Just think in your case 'I look as a man now and that will have to do for now, someday I will be the woman I really want to be and that will be great'. In the meantime develop aspects about yourself you love like for example if you can draw well and really get into it.

P.S.: I just found out violets are blue from the verification haha, flowerpower!