Some of this has been excerpted from writing I have done here and elsewhere.
Do I believe in God? It is important to me to separate the concepts of religion with the idea of spirituality. Acceptance is essential to the latter, not to the former. For me there can not be a connection to the infinite sans acceptance, and without that connection I am unable to live authentically. To put it another way there are no inauthentic paths to acceptance, and without acceptance, authenticity is impossible.
I cannot live a life of self deception (denial if you will) about who I am and how I see my place on this amazing planet if I am unable or unwilling to face myself. I cannot embrace my sexuality, I cannot express my gender, I cannot find my core without acknowledging that I am greater than the sum of my parts and that that piece of the universe inside is what gives me my humanity. Connectedness with people and my environment are a definitive part of my growth as a person. I think that without connections, I am doomed to psychopathy. My life may be rich materially, but it will be barren emotionally. Without seeking to expand my connection to every part of my environment I will not grow and evolve and my spiritual life will stagnate.
I identify as a woman. I usually but not always, identify as female. I am in transition. Is that bogus? I don't think so. I think it is the expression of who I authentically am. I wish I could have figured this out long ago. If I had, would I have moved decisively to the feminine? Maybe, I very much like it over here, but maybe I could have expressed myself outside of a bimodal space and found joy there. I do not think that living a life of gender fluidity needs to be less authentic nor less grounded in spirituality and acceptance than any other. There are lots of reasons to not fully transition, not the least of which is that both ends of the gender dichotomy are lousy approximations for who someone is.
At my time of life I do feel pressure to become authentic, become female, and to do it now! I fear that I will lose my last, best chance at finding both my temporal and spiritual self if I am not decisive. If I were to die without living and being Julie, that would be the greatest and saddest piece of futility that I can think of. I cannot let this slip from my grasp, no matter the cost. That is my reality and I am comfortable with it. Someone else may and probably does, experience life quite differently but no less legitimately.
This summer I have been rocketed into a new dimension of living. I have experienced grace, I have connected with some of the most remarkably outwardly centered people I have ever known, and I have spent hours and days exploring my spiritual nature both here and in other, both secular and sacred venues. I am I think, at the core a spiritual person. What I mean by that is that I am capable of connecting to the essence of everyone I come into contact with. I am touched by more than just the temporal, physical, existential reality of this chunk of spacetime that I inhabit. I am also touched by the spirit of that reality.
I have felt that intuitive connectedness before; not in the context of gender exploration, but in the context of social change. I have worked in soup kitchens, led AA meetings in prisons, participated in social justice and peace initiatives for my entire adult life. In each of those worlds I have known and been known by people whose essential goodness moved my life into the direction of light. Some of my mentors have been deeply and sincerely religious in their beliefs and creed. Some have been secular but just as illuminated by love.
So what is the result of a life with a potpourri of influences on my attitudes and beliefs? I feel enveloped by hope and connected to an infinite goodness. If you wish to call this God consciousness I have no objection. Where I part ways with my more devout fellow travelers is embracing dogma and ritual as the mechanism of connecting to the universe. I eschew supernatural explanations, particularly those that proclaim a single truth, or who find solace in proclaiming any seeker as a heretic. The concept of God for me does not require anthropomorphism, but only the desire to place service above self, love above desire, and generosity above greed.
The relationships with people and with my environment that change me always have a component of giving, of sharing, of placing the well being of others, if not ahead, at least on a par with my own needs and desires. I hope that comes through here, I fervently hope this comes through in my daily interactions. I am by no means saintly. I am by measure impatient, tired, depressed, and angry with people, places and things. What I am discovering is that transition from persona to person provides relief for me from the bondage of self centeredness. In my case at least, the journey to authenticity is also a journey into spiritual growth. The two seem to be inextricably intertwined. I am on a pilgrim's path, but the destination is neither defined, nor does it need definition. I am grateful for the journey, and I am grateful to everyone who has been my teacher, friend, and muse.
Fair Winds and Calm Seas,
Julie