A few weeks ago, I posted here about how I came out to my oldest and closest friend. That coming out was planned to death with a lot of hand wringing along the way. Well, last night I came out to my kid sister, and the circumstances were very different.
Early this week, a series of events conspired to make me look like I was having an affair. The proper defense of that would have involved me admitting that I was transgendered to my entire family, and a sizable collection of social acquaintances. I didn't have the courage to do that yet, so I stuck to a story that seemed to crumble by the hour.
In the midst of that, my sister offered up a lie that took me off the hook. She did this without me even speaking to her about it. She just knew I was in trouble, and needed help. Although we have been somewhat estranged in the last decade, she and I have shared a psychic bond across decades. We are indeed soul mates, each seeing in the other, the best traits of our beloved mother.
Yet I knew that if she had done this for me, she would want to know the real reason why. So I arranged clandestinely to meet her last night at a bar. Before I met her, I didn't know for sure that I would come out to her or not, but I thought it was a possibility. I was just going to see how it went, and go with my instincts. We met alone, and she asked me if I was having an affair. I told her no, and sort of explained what had happened. I didn't really lie, but I parsed my language in a way that was good enough for her. She accepted that, and the conversations moved on.
We talked a great deal about our parents. I kept coming back to how our mom always wanted us to be happy more than anything else. She agreed completely, which I took as very good sign.
We then talked about how life is too short, and having fun is really important. My sister, for lack of a better phrase, is a party girl. This is even true now, with her in her late 40s. She told me that she saw me as her kindred spirit in that regard, but I had gotten trapped into a life and an agenda that was more of our father's than who I really was.
I am thinking this is all really good; I am laying the groundwork for what I need to say. About that time, her fiancée shows up, and I feel a little bit restricted, but the conversation continues. I tell them I want to nuke my entire life and build something completely new in its place. I say I feel compelled to answer a voice that has always been in my heart. I have always had dreams and fantasies since I was young, and I want to make them a reality. They take this to mean that I want be a rebel, a biker, or become an aging hippie. I tell them that I am indeed a rebel, but my plan might not exactly look like what they might imagine.
We then talked about living on the wild side. I mention that I twice in recent months went to really seedy bars that were Meccas for various aspects of the counter culture. My sister responds that she too has gone to similar edgy establishments in the not too distant past. I find that interesting, but I don't really explore it. I can see now that I have laid the groundwork, but I decide not to pull the trigger. I think I will just send my sister an email, filling in gaps I have left out.
Then my sister and her fiancée ask me if I want to go to another bar a few hundred feet away for a night cap. I am reluctant, but I go along. This new place is loud and hopping with a lot of scantily clad women. We run into some friends of my sister, and I am introduced to them. One of them is a rather attractive middle aged woman wearing a scandalously short dress, named "Belinda". I did some socializing with my sister's friends, but it was so noisy that conversation was really difficult.
Then suddenly I had an urge to do something. I ask my sister for a pen and a piece of paper, and write a web page link on it. I hand back the pen, and put the piece of paper in my pocket. I am debating what to do next. Then my sister turns to me and starts talking into my ear. "I can tell Belinda really likes you, and I can see you were looking at her".
At that exactly moment, something literally screamed inside me. I tell my sister that we need to talk, but it is too noisy, so I suggest we walk over toward the bar's entrance. With the two of us standing there, I look over my shoulder towards Belinda. I say to my sister "You see how short Belinda's dress is"? She responds "um ya".
I continue, "Well, when I was in those two really trashy bars I told you about earlier, I was wearing a dress just as short".
I get a puzzled look from her for a second or two, and she says "So?"
And I say, "That is who I really am inside, and I want to be that way all the time". I say other things as well, but I can't exactly remember, because I got pretty emotional at that point. I am crying now, and she is just looking at me for about 30 seconds.
And then she speaks "Oh hon, I can't even imagine what you have gone through in your life. I love you no matter what you do. And you know what, I always wanted a sister." We hug each other, and both of us are crying.
She whispers into my ear, "I will help you to get to where you want to go". By the way, my sister before becoming a real estate agent was a licensed cosmetologist. She has big plans for me.
