Cynthia, we are all 'work in progress'.   Some days I think that I should hang an "Under Construction" sign around my neck.   We each have plenty of opportunity to improve and to progress.  Your journey is inspirational and quite humbling

Safe travels

Aisla

Mary and Aisla, thank you for your support and encouragement.

Went to the therapist and this is what was talked about:

1) There is a new person in Safety. When introduced he was behind me. I turned and did a double take. I know my facial expression changed and I said something under my breath like daaaaaam. He is absolutely the most beautiful person I have ever seen.

2) I confessed I am jealous of my Ops Manger and another employee developing relationship. He has power over me and I need to address it in therapy. My therapist wants to use Gestalt therapy.  When he gets up from his desk, walks past my office or has a cross face I feel the same as when I was young and my Dad would came home or walked in the house. It is like a pins and needles feeling. He can be very hurtful and I apologized for his last outburst. When I was apologizing I was thinking I am just doing the to keep the peace. He never apologized and that hurt. I was cold to him until Tuesday then just gave in. My therapist asked it I had sexual feelings for him and I said no then well some. She gave me a technique to use when the eggshell feeling hits and we will work with me understanding better why this is happening.

3) I told her I am manipulative and an example is when I get scripts I have Dusty make it out to CVS then Mazzoni's pharmacy, saying oh last time my insurance had an issue. I did this with E and P. I just stopped the double P and I gave away the E a few month's ago. She asked why I am doing this. I said my E script was low (got it raised and stopped supplementing in June) but my P was low and just now stopped. I know dumb. She wants me to tell Dusty and I said I would. She asked why I do not trust him and ask him about the dosages. I said I do not trust anyone. I was raised to not trust anyone; that was expressed often.

4) I shared I shave in the shower and when I get out the mirror is fogged. I wipe a little spot and brush my hair. I look for any hair I want to shave next day and look at my chest and I weigh myself. The mirror was clear this morning (ac on) and I decided to check out my genitals. I just thought how I lied to my wife and wanting grs. My gonads are mostly recessed now and my penis flaccid is just a small bump. When erect I was 4 inches when younger so now who knows but smaller. I just looked with my one leg on the toilet and exposed genital area and I could see is how it should look.

5) I shared I wished my wife and I could have lesbian sex with a toy. I know that would be very arousing but 99% likely to never happen.

I shared a little of me today with her. I said I want to change and I really do not like how I manipulate everything.  She said it will take time to see the world through a different lens and that now I am ready to deal with it and I am getting stronger.

I went to the therapist Wednesday and we discussed:

1) Went to the beach and I had to either be in the water or reading because my dysphoria was that bad.
2) I told her again I really want to start face laser but I am afraid of my wife's ultimatum of divorce if I had any procedures. 
3) I talked a lot about my ops manager. I have some sexual feelings for him. I can not continue to be hurt by his actions.

My therapist said my child, my wife, my operations manager are all the same. (I realized I had my arms over my stomach and I felt sick. I was covering up). We had, in the past, rehearsed what to say to each but I never followed though. At that moment I realized I really need to take stands on things I need.

I skipped group and walked in the park. I made a promise; when the walk ended I would make a decision and follow through. I decided to address My operations manager's unprofessional behavior and warn him of the recourse of a future occurrence. (ok, lesson learned about having feelings for someone, confiding in them everything and having to manage them, dumb) Also, I will make an appointment for laser and inform my wife.

Hugs and we are standing behind you all the way with your choices you made.


Lots of luck with them all.

Thank you izzy, hugs.

I went to the therapist Wednesday and we discussed:

1) Closer to making the laser appointment. My wife has not cried in a long time and I just do not want to start her stressing about trans* issues. I think my wife's last threat of divorce is not whole hearted so I practice what I would say to her. My therapist helped a lot and suggested asking why she does not want something that I want and I shave every day anyway. I know the reason is because she does not want me to transition one bit more. I need time alone to discuss the need and ask what her reasons are to why she does not want me to proceed.

2) I am pretty much over the OPS manager issue. I never really had what I thought was there so the pouting is my issue and I am done with it. We are speaking, business, and perhaps that is best.

3) I am reading :What the Dog Saw", she read it too. I said I wanted an arm band tattoo for a long time but could not find what I wanted. In the book a chapter is about the life of Ron Popeil. When he was at the cemetery of his family he said," I am from them but not of them". It is absolutely perfect. Ron had a sad childhood. I said I don't wear short sleeve shirts at work. She said I could get the tat going parallel with my arm but I said I wanted it high and in a band. She asked why I always wore long sleeves and I said I have a lot of scars on my arms. She asked if I was a cutter and I said a little but I mainly poked or  scratched ( I showed her my arms). I wore a short sleeve shirt about 6 months ago and had a meeting with my boss and he commented on me wearing a short sleeve shirt. He asked why  I never were short sleeve shirts and I pointed to my arms and he asked if they were cigarette scars on my arm and I said no. My therapist asked if they were cigarette burn scars too.  I have 1000's of scars and some are big.  My therapist said I could explain it as chicken pox scars. The scars got a lot worse on hormones.   I tan super easy and any tan also brings out the scars too.

4) I really want a voice coach. My therapist gave me a card of someone she said is very good. I have been practicing for 1.5 years and I need feedback and some help.

I went to group Thursday.

We talked and shared about therapists, gatekeeping and hormones, insurances,  coming out and bullying. There was someone from Susan's there but I was too shy to say hi and I look like a guy and it is embarrassing. I feel like a fake in comparison to the others in group who express and/or look very feminine. One girl got her markers and name changed  ( she is 17) and I just thought I would so love to do that and have for a long time.


A friend gave me a book called, "When Things Fall Apart". He is such a sweet and caring person. He helped me a few weeks ago too. He does not know I am trans*.He does a lot of group speaking for drugs and alcohol. He wants me to be me and be open and myself. He knows some things about me such as drugs, alcohol, dying in a garage (over stimulation of the parasympathetic nervous system, when I was in the ED the Doc said I should have had uppers to balance it out. He was kidding but I took it as good advise) , getting caught in Camden NJ and sexual and physical abuse. He wants me to be me and come out and be myself but he does not know I am trans* and this is triggering when he talks to me about being myself and the relief I would feel. I want to tell him what it feels like and leave me alone but I just nod and smile. Then afterwards I am numb for a day or two.

Good week, all in all,

Cindy.

You are not a fake, or 'not trans enough'.
The fact that you have gotten as far as you have is a very strong indicator that you are indeed very much TS.
You can transition at the rate YOU are most comfortable with. You have no timetable hanging over your head. No one other than your spouse even has any rights to say two words to you over this issue and even she has very little legitimate input when you think on it.

You do you the best you can and just ignore us loudmouths in the peanut gallery.

Thanks and Hugs Cynthialee.

My headaches have returned and I realize it is when I am stuck they return. I must go forward with the laser and I need to discuss it with my wife. I can not go back and I can not forget about it or put it aside.

I know I am not a fake (wrong choice of words). I feel unattractive. I am with mostly trans girls and I am so far behind them. It is not like I will give up or get discouraged. I just feel unattractive in comparison.

oh sweetie!


You would have to deal with similar feelings if you were natal female and cisgender.
See there is this terrible thing society has taught us as females {and we heard the message loud and clear despite our birth sex} and that is that we must judge ourselves against each other. It is a horrible mind trap that is hard to avoid but should be at all costs.
I know exactly what you are talking about. There is this 20something goddess TS woman in my local area. Not only is she pretty and well proportioned, she is friendly, out going and just an all around good person. Everyone who knows her absolutely loves her to pieces. And every time I see her, I kick myself in the ass for not transitioning in my 20's....
And I know it is not healthy and it has no value at all. Yet I do it anyways.


I have seen some transformations that have blown my mind. Women who I met while they were still presenting male and my first thought is "oh the poor dear", then 2 years latter the woman is freaking hot! And I am the jealous bitch now! LOL
HRT and transition are powerful stuff.

Thank you Cynthialee, Hugs. You are right, I need to put looks into perspective.

I went to the Therapist today ( I did not go to group tonight, I was toast). We discussed:

1) How I recreate "opportunities" within my family, work, friends and social areas to relive past issues trying to resolve past pain or so my therapist says. I think she is right. I am growing in stopping (starting to stop) how I allow others to destroy my well being. I have distanced (maintain a profession and social report) myself from my Ops Manager. His control over me (me allowing him in) is waning and I miss the friendship. My therapist said I need to talk to her instead of him and gain strength. He really can be a jerk sometimes, but I am attracted to him.

2) I had  a dream my Dad (he was young) was in my bedroom doorway and I said I am sorry. He said who will take care of them and I said I will some how. I then noticed my Mon in the doorway too (red hair and young). She was looking off to the side and not directly at me and I apologized to her. My therapist asked what did I apologize for and I said for being trans and ending the pain. We went over how I have incorporated suicide in my thought processes. I told her I am not going to do anything but it is something on my mind a lot. In the past I had told her how I would do it. She asked if I was thinking of ways and I reminded her of the method. I was crying during this.

3) Went over crap that happened in the Control Room at work with a dozen Operators. There were comments about gays and needing some and a bunch of crap. I stopped it and said I am a mentor, member of multicultural professionals and a member of Pride (all work engagement groups). I said I believe in diversity and how many different experiences make our outcomes (to resolve problems) better.  They pushed back an said they know buy we are in the control room. I said no, we are at work and need to behave as such. I left the control room and was walking behind a woman with long straight hair, curvy and dressed very well. I thought to myself this is just too much. How could I ever be me in front of them.

4) Went over how I want procedures such as ffs and srs and she said I do not need FFS (ok, so I thought she is not honest and suspect everything now). I also said how I want my adams apple shaved and she said it is really small and not noticeable. I can feel it and that is enough. I explain how puberty was so incredibly hard and how voice, hair, adams apple and genitals are wrong and should not be there. I started to cry again. I did not even go into I am a giant at 6'3".

5) Saw someone on the street I had not seen in a year or so. He said what is up with your voice. I said nothing. He said I look different and my hair is really long. He than said I look good. I was walking on Locust street where there are usually some trans. A guy (little unstable, LOL) walked past and said I love the girls. There was a guy outside an open bar and was starring at me as I passed. He said something but I just kept moving. I guess I am entering into the part where I start looking gender questionable, especially in the gayborhood.

6) She asked if I game and I said the game I  play every night. She gave me a game name for me to try which U of P did a study on that is supposed to relieve PTSD.

7) Therapist is away next week.

Just want to thank Cynthia and all for sharing as much as you all do. : )

Thank you Georgie,

I went to a place today and had to show my drivers license to buy something. The guy said that it does not look like me and that the drivers license looks like the guy I am buying it for. I said what, I do not look like the person in the picture and he repeated himself.

Yesterday I had a catch up with a friend. Se asked for me to sit straight up and then said they are small but there. I said I have only been on hormones for 14 months and it talkes 4 years, but you know this. We talked about bras.  I had on a loose undershirt and a loose striped work shirt and tie. So it was not tight fitting clothes. Then she said my hair is fuller ( I have not seen her for 4 months) followed with am I going to get transplants? I said I am working on getting it fixed. When we were paying at the register I had a diet coke and the name on it was Kelly. The guy asked me who is Kelly and she said not me, you know CM. The guy was gay and he was talking to me. I did not say anything and he asked me again, this time obviously looking at me, huuuum. There was a woman at the high table next to us and she was listening in. We were talking about guys, a u-tube video about woman and the crazy / hot graph, me telling my boss about all the things I did in my past, him not being able to look at me for a while (literally looked at the floor). hormones, procedures and more guys. The woman looked like her head was going to spin off as she listened in on the conversation (too funny). My friend encouraged me to go back to school for something I talk about a lot in a totally different field. She also encouraged me to move my office. I can talk to her about anything and talked about my feeling for my Ops Manager and why I am distancing myself. I explained I have allowed his tornado behavior to continue to others and myself to go on and it is not professional (my fault and I need to own it). She said it is good I am correcting it and it is not professional. I went over how I am recreating environments searching for different endings and that I recognize this and I am consciously trying to change my behavior. 

Cynthia,
Isn't life wonderful.. the experiences we have and have an opportunity to have.. Not many do what we are doing... in life.. I consider it a badge of honor ..to be courageous enough to step out and be ourselves..
You are doing wonderfully and you should be proud...
I know its tough with your wife and I understand..trust me I get it...
Keep keeping on girl.. you are awesome.....
Carrie

Thank you Carrie, hugs.

No therapist this week but I went to group last night. Another girl got her name changed. I am so envious. I was going to call Mazzoni twice this week to schedule laser but put down the phone, perhaps tomorrow. I was also thinking of requesting E injections through the patient portal too. I need to make a forward step because I feel stuck and have been for a while.

Back in ok with my OPS Manager but I am keeping personal stuff personal. We volunteered together today for a back to school material drive help for 7 shelters and it went well. He has a really nice side and is a good person I know now to keep him away and not let him in. I do not know what I was thinking all these years. He really has no interest in me at all. I guess I was using him as a crutch and that was not fair to him. I feel alone at work and at home, kind of I am doing something an I want to talk about it but if I do then you will think I am "odd".  When I am with other trans in transition I have something in common.

Today was a good day overall and had some very happy periods. I did not have any negative periods at all. Last night I was depressed after group because I felt like I am stuck. This happens when I see another girl making progress (doing something that is out of her comfort zone and proud of her accomplishment).

My head hair is progressing slowly. I would rate my hair back to age 37. I have a long way to go but I am making steady but slow progress. I ordered a 2 mm dermal roller to replace my 1.5 mm unit. I am rolling 2 to 3 times a week and it is improving the MPB but slowly.

I have a scheduled laser consultation appointment October 14th (1st opening). I requested a change to E&P self injections through the patient portal at Mazoni. I need to schedule an appointment at their request. 

There is a lot of fear and that is good. I am doing something I want and need to do and it is uncharted territory. I will embrace my fear and overcome. It feel almost ecstatic with butterflies. 

My wife gave me crap tonight about bows on my panties (little tiny bow in the back, Flirtitudes). She called me a freak and some other crap. I shutdown for a few minutes but never let the comments in, then got up and thought I like the colors and fit and walked the hound. I think I will get some more panties. My wife made a comment about my breasts and said I have D's (I knew she was poking) and I said I do not have D's and she said you wish ( A's but that's ok, I am thankful for what I have).

Trying to stick to my diet I need to drop 35 pounds.

I went to the therapist and group today and we discussed:

Therapy

1- We talked about everything I shared with my previous post and that I have an appointment to discuss injections Sept 22, I am so excited.

2- She recommended I join the 12th street gym. I wanted to join for so long, maybe 20 years). They have gay and lesbian down but trans* I will need to inquire. I really do not fit in the girls locker room or the guys locker room ( I am a girl but look trans with my cloths off and I can not take my cloths off in public) she said to ask if they have a neutral locker room. I would so much love to join there. They have personal trainers I could e-mail to see if they would be cool. The have 35 trainers of which 8 or so are female. I just can not go to a guy and hope a female trainer will take the request. She said the steam room can get like a bath house. I really need to avoid that area at all cost.

3- I told her my observations of the a two girls. One empowered by her action and one stuck and twisting by her continued inaction and questioning. I used the empowered girl as a role model. It feels so good to take action.

4- She said I should go to a makeover for trans place. She said she thought I could pass with make-up and a wig. I was a bit stunned.

Group

1- Most of the session was around one girl, her work, neighborhood hood in deep North Philly and room mates. She has it very rough. There were some great suggestions on where to move to and that what she is experiencing is not normal everywhere. Her family ties are severed and she is young. I hope she can get out of her current living location. I think she is incredibly strong. All those expressing went over the ugliness of people and how they endure. This group showed me one potential future.

Nothing to add. Just showing I am still reading.

Hi Cynthialee, hugs.

I wanted to show parts of an e-mail inquiry about joining the 12th street gym (Philadelphia PA).  They are located in the heart of the gayborhood.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hi,

I am inquiring about membership to the 12 Street Gym and I am wondering if the gym would be a good fit and was hoping you could provide some feedback

This is personal and an issue I have that may, understandably, mean I am not a good fit for the Gym.  I am 52, transgender MTF and do not physically fit a female physique and do not physically fit a male physique, especially with my clothes off. To add I have an issue with locker rooms and am extremely uncomfortable in locker rooms with males and I do not "fit in" the female locker room.  Also, I was hoping to have a personal trainer for a few sessions and on occasion afterwards but I would prefer a female trainer but I do not know if there is one who would be willing to work with a trans* client. My goals are to lose weight (20 pounds) and tone, definitely not gain muscle mass.

I understand if this is not a good fit but I am hoping I could participate,

Thank you for your consideration,

Cynthia.
_______________________________________

Hi Cynthia, we are a good fit for everyone here at 12th street , we would be happy to give you a free trial and recommend several trainer options for you...as for locker rooms we have other options in addition to the main locker rooms , adjacent to our gym is our camac center which has more private locker rooms which can be locked in addition we have changing room powder rooms in pool area and our tanning center Soleil, we would be happy to show you those additional options... Let us know if you would like to meet... Thanks Frank

_________________________________________

Hi Frank,

I would like to stop in at or between 4:10 to 4:15 Thursday. Should I ask for you or another person?

Thank you,

Cynthia
_________________________________________

That works , you can ask for me... See you Thursday
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I am so excited   I have wanted to join this place for so long. I can not believe I am doing this

I went to Therapy, 12th street Gym and group today.

Therapist
1) a lot of things were discussed. The main point which hit home (hard) was my therapist said I need to stop living in a fantasy world of on-line and gaming and live as myself. I need to grow.

12th street gym and Camac Center.
I joined and absolutely love this place. I have a private coed locker room with a locked door and only authorized persons  are allowed in and it had access to a private entrance ($149/yr add). They have so much there it is amazing: hair dressers, massage, art class, therapy, all kinds of classes and so many rooms of equipment. Everyone is queer and I saw 1 trans girl. Frank is scheduling 2 training classes with two trainers he thinks we will work well together. I announced myself at the front desk as Cynthia (twice) and Frank was very cool. I had to pay with my MAAB cards and DL.

Group
Group was great. I had this thought as a girl was talking. I am not alone. I have so many people who have helped me who believe me and did not know me. I am pretty fortunate and I am starting to really like myself. I never would wish trans* on anyone but the feeling I had was warm and I felt really content. The feeling is something only a trans* would relate to, finding community.

Went to the Therapist, Gym and Group this afternoon and evening,

Therapist

I told her I joined the Gym and went over the experience. Also, I showed her what I would be wearing to the gym and then group. I said I was very anxious and we discussed it. We went over if I got cruised and how to react and what did I want. I asked who would cruise me and she said I am nice and friendly and have my act together (I was surprised to hear this, more like stunned).

I discussed what she said last week that had me thinking. She said I need to not spend time on line at Susan's and not gaming. She wanted to know if I took offense. I said no and that it is pertinent. She reinforced I need to not obsess about doing something but do it. We talked about the makeover again, she brought it up. Then I asked where to buy make-up. She said isn't Walgreens next to Mazzoni and owned by them. I said yes. I never thought of there. Then she said anywhere in the gayborhood.

Gym

I forgot where the private locker room was. I went to the meeting center and asked. The same guy from last week who was there. He said the salon right locker #33 right snd I said yes. You are Steven right and he said yes and you are xxxxx (had to used my legal name as it is on my debit card) and I said yes. He took me to the locker. I am horrible at names but remembered his, did I say he is cute Did the treadmill for an hour the change and went to group.

Group

I put my Gym bag in my car on the way to group in a high rise parking lot. There was a doctor in the elevator and he insisted I leave the elevator first, Felt cool. I look very queer and perhaps trans (do you think, lol). I had on no bra and a somewhat fitted thin top. On the way to group a guy got in my face pointing at me yelling you are crazy several times. I had on skinny jeans and a nice top and reflective sun glasses. I just looked at him and kept going ( Inside my head I just said F you a few times). Group was really great tonight. We really opened up and shared a lot of things. I left feeling I am a trans girl and that it is me and proud of it.

Well I would certainly miss your updates if you stopped coming here.