I'm afraid that some people simple can't accept those kinda changes. Others my change their mind over time, but you will never know 'till they do.

As my family, i belive that they could accept(ish) that. At least most of them. I dont think my mom would/will understand, but I think she would/will be by my side. My really big problem is my fiancee and our kid. I'm pretty sure she would freak out.

Honestly, everytime I think in transition, I wanna run away to a very far place and cut ties until my transition is over. thats how afraid I am of it. I dont know if anyone felt like this, but my wish is just move to, I dont know, Canada (seems friendly and far away enough form Brazil  ) but at the same time i think this is just a form of run away and not a solution.

Quote from: Tessa James on September 04, 2014, 12:31:31 PM
Part of my response is to value all the more the deliberate and created family of very close friends around me.  We do need family and community and we can create that right where we are.  LTL you are so very bright and caring that i can only imagine you as a welcomed family member.  Maybe some time you will move on to a family that wants you around just the way you are.  Lots of people have found family as an informally adopted son, daughter, sibling, mother or father.  It is becoming more the norm as "blended" and non traditional families flourish.  My favorite sister is another trans woman, my brothers are mostly gay men.

Most of my family is here or elsewhere in cyberspace.  For those of you I have been given the privilege of meeting I am in awe of who you are and what you represent to the world.  You are a bastion for me against reality when I do not feel strong, and I am grateful to you all.  LTL, I'll be in Connecticut in a couple of weeks visiting new friends, and can take the train into the city if you would like to share a meal.

Some of my natal family accept and love me, some don't, a few despise me.  This is strange and hard for me.  I don't usually write on these threads, because I usually end up teary, but I feel the need to acknowledge how very powerful this community, this family is to me and to countless other seekers.  I could not have walked this far down the road to my authentic self without you, and I'm not sure I could complete the journey if this venue did not exist.

Sometimes when people leave or feel they must leave the forums I actually grieve.  It is odd, but I am saddened when a voice is hushed, and a friend disappears.

Peace,
Julie

The only thing I really wanted to say was with regard to this:

Quote from: learningtolive on September 03, 2014, 08:53:51 PM
And if your own family has this much difficulty, whats the rest of the world going to think?  You know.

Family sometimes has more of an emotionally vested interest in making you how they want you to be. So I've found it's often the other way round, and family are the ones who take it the hardest. The rest of the world don't seem to care as much.

My brother wishes I was six feet under. Has done ever since he found out, and probably always will. He's the only blood family I have left. How do I cope with it? I don't think about him. Or have anything to do with him, if I can avoid it. It hurts sometimes, yes. And I don't advocate that path for anyone else other than myself. But I cannot change his mind. I have tried. He doesn't want to listen. So... he makes his choice, I make mine.

Sometimes, there comes a point where you feel "Okay, I've done as much as I can. I have to live for me, now. Not to give you what you want." It's hard. Very hard. But the alternative is so much harder.

Thank you everyone.  There is truth to the whole distance makes the heart grow fonder theory, but it's not an option.  Finding a place for less than $1,000 a month around my job isn't easy.  I'm sure they exist but they are very few and come at a different price. I can't afford $1,000 a month.  While I'm not getting minimum wage, I'm not living large considering the cost of living in my area. But yeah, I would love to get my own place. 

And some of you make a point.  There was a time where I was so excited about my future and really positive about everything.  Something did change.  Maybe I just hoped things would be easier than they were.  That somehow everything would be okay and the world would accept it.  I still look forward to the future and can't wait to transition, but the fear and pessimism has grown larger.  To be honest, I feel very uncomfortable about my appearance and wonder if I every will like it.  I'm working on it, but it's doubtful I'll ever be satisfied.  Still, I have no doubts about my path.  This is who I am and what I want.  Just a bit jaded and cautious now that everything is happening and real as oppsed to my hypothetical transition at the start. 

Anyway, I do appreciate everyone's thoughts.  I just get bummed out that I don't have no acceptance.  The truth is I have no support system.  I hardly even have friends  and acquaintances and I'm not really important to those who would fit in those categories.   It's really hard to go through this all without feeling like you have someone there for you, let alone accept you for who you are.  My family was always that and now I lost that.  It's a very hard and lonely feeling.  Social isolatition along with the fear of rejection and facing all the confines that being trans creates.   Maybe that's why it crushes me.  The only people that ever accepted me are now having a hard time just doing that.  And while I grow through a phase of self discovery and learning to break all the emotinal and physical barriers that have always haunted me, I do also face the consequences of that as I progress.  Doing all that alone really sucks.  It makes it much harder.  I want my supportive family back. 

LTL
If wishes came true, we all would find acceptance from family.  I will always try to be open to my family and will always love them.  As Tessa observed, sometimes we must seek family in other ways.  You have family here if you so choose.  You are enormously bright and filled with life.  I for one am your friend, and the support you have here is powerful.

I know that this isn't anything like having someone who you can ring up for coffee and conversation.   I also know that none of us are exactly normal.  But for me at least it is a pretty good surrogate until things change.  Are you still planning on graduate school?

For me that was a way out until I got thing together financially.   I also known that is kind of backwards,  but I am kind of that way.  Anyway you can call if you need an ear anytime.

Peace,
Julie

LTL,

Hugs,

There is family and there is everyone else.  The two are very different. 

I'm out at work and full time.  I get so many people coming up and asking how it is going; asking how they can help and telling me they admire my strength.  They tell me I look nice, the listen, they support, they help.  There has been only one day after going full time that I have not had to come out to someone.  It gets old but they so want to help.  Outside of my family, there have been no negative reactions.  Not a one.

Then there is family.  I have a couple supporting relatives – an ex-marine and his wife that I finiancially supported for almost a year while they got things going.  That's it, that's the end of the list.  The rest vary from tolerant indifference (as long as I stay away) to overt hostility and attempts to essentially destroy my life. To them, I am sick, demented and dangerous. 

I hold my head up high and I keep going.  I bend over backwards to be a good person, to show love and not to hurt anyone. I cry a lot at night, when no one is around or after my wife falls asleep.  But each morning as I leave for work I look in the rear view mirror and I see me, the woman with the beautiful smile.  The tears I cry then are tears of joy. In the end, I am making progress.  By my actions, they are remembering what love really is.

Love should want what is best for the one who is loved.  Those who really do love you will come around to that realization.  You just need to hang in there as best you can.  If that is living with them or finding your own place, hang in there.....

Hugs,

Jen

You're somewhat in a potentially great situation to deal with this. But you have to approach this the right way.

People absoutely hate being forced to alter their views and beliefs. Most people fight violently against it, regardless of what it is. Regardless if it's family or anyone else. And the more you try to be open and communicative, the less receptive they are.

That sounds to me like a fairly good description of your social dynamic I'm sorry to say.

But, The reason I say this is a potentially great situation, is because your family can watch and learn without even realising it. And that really is the only way you can ever get through to close-minded people. If you were not living at home, you would likely never be able to get through to them.

That is what happened to me living away. I've lost all of my family, except for one sister ( who was also mostly exiled ). And it's mutual now. I cannot respect close-minded people, family or not. They're unwelcome in my life.

So, it's a delicate thing to do. I would recommend completely stopping all talk in the family about transition or anything trans related. Just don't mention it... and respond with an absolute minimum if asked (  although that is unlikely ). But don't stop talking or communicating about everything else. The last thing you want is to be seen as distant.

The best you can do, is demonstrate that transition is making you a happier person as transition progresses. Let them see you become more stable and happy. Let them see you smile and grow into the beautiful woman you are. That is something they will notice, and cannot help but see as positive. And when they do... it becomes pretty hard to deny that transition hasn't been a blessing.

I wish you the best of luck with it.

And I'm reminded of a saying. You cannot choose your family.

Well, I never bring up trans related stuff unless asked.  When that happens, I choose to tell the truth, but that has consequences.  It's very rare for me to bring up trans stuff without being prodded with my family. However, it would be nice to just have some accpetance.  People I can talk to and not have to worry about what I do or say.  Like just have the ability to be myself and that's enough for acceptance.  I don't have this at all and it's why I'm very conscious about what people think of me.  Besides my therapist and online venues, I have no support structure.  And going through this all alone sucks.  And then when my family asks me questions and I get negative results from answering it, I feel even more isolated, lonely and rejected in my transition.  This probably why my therapist keeps pushing me to go to support groups and socialize more, but all I see is rejection and I don't want more of it.  It's why I hold myself back to a degree.  But I'm getting close to a point where hiding is really taking a major tool on me emotionally.  The holding myself back and maintaing a male presentation is killing me.  REally it is.  I want to be more open.  I want to start living a life and feel able to be true to myself and feelings.  But without any support in my life and mainly just criticism about what I am doing, it makes me more paralyzed.  To be honest, I'm at a cross roads.  My desire to be true to myself has increased very much but it combats the whole "reduce all the conflict and rejection that doing this can create".  Honestly, I don't know what to do anymore.   But I'm sad, frustrated, lonely and tired of hiding who I am and how I feel.  It's a major cost to keep waiting for the right time to go full time, but social rejection also has it's price.  I just wish I could make people accept and understand me. That I could erase the potential negative ramifications of going full time and mend all the fences between my family and I.  There is nothing more that I want than my mother to accept me as her daughter and be on my side, not against it and openly making things harder for me (which she has said is her goal as a means to get me to stop or delay everything).  Maybe getting all this out now and showing her there is going to be a stop to this may eventually help her give up and accept, as Sammy stated.  I hope that's the case.  There is so much uneccessary heartbreaks due to our trans identities.  I'm sorry to each of you in this thread that has also had to deal with family problems.

About grad school, yes I do intend on going one day; however, I don't know what I am going to do.  I love studying politics and would love to work in academia or for some progressive group that fight for things I believe in.  But I've seen what my degree and awards/accolades from college has meant in the market.  Very little.  That's why I'm thinking about a different field.  In the meantime, while I do some soul searching, I do hope to save some money and fund my transition.  The cost of Srs is incredibly daunting, but I need to get it done.  And I really want to get a nose job.  I hate my nose and it makes me feel like I look very manly.  It hurts.

 

Quote from: Sephirah on September 05, 2014, 03:19:31 PM
The only thing I really wanted to say was with regard to this:

Family sometimes has more of an emotionally vested interest in making you how they want you to be. So I've found it's often the other way round, and family are the ones who take it the hardest. The rest of the world don't seem to care as much.

My brother wishes I was six feet under. Has done ever since he found out, and probably always will. He's the only blood family I have left. How do I cope with it? I don't think about him. Or have anything to do with him, if I can avoid it. It hurts sometimes, yes. And I don't advocate that path for anyone else other than myself. But I cannot change his mind. I have tried. He doesn't want to listen. So... he makes his choice, I make mine.

Sometimes, there comes a point where you feel "Okay, I've done as much as I can. I have to live for me, now. Not to give you what you want." It's hard. Very hard. But the alternative is so much harder.

He may be the only blood family you have left but blood don't mean anything other than you two share the same parents. You have family, but I really don't need to tell you that though. Me, personally, I would never talk to him again. As a matter of fact, he can do with the horse on which he rode in on in the place he rode in on if he were by brother. Just so sorry though. But you do have everyone else that loves you no matter what, unconditionally. That is your real family, genetically bound or not.

My personal support structure has been four very dear and accepting friends.

The first was the very first person to whom I came out. My spouse was later angry that I told this woman first but she is an LGBT ally and has a gay brother and at least two other trans friends. I knew she would accept me and I feared my spouse would reject me though I naively hoped she would not. In the end, my fears were justified.

The second is another wonderful woman whom I've known for 17 years now. When I came out to her she replied that suddenly everything made sense. I asked what she meant and she said I was never like any man she knew but seeing me as a woman and suddenly it all "made sense". She's been extremely supportive throughout.

The final two are a married couple whom I've known for about 15 years and they've both had zero issues with me at all, thankfully. They've included me with their children and have been there regularly for me.

Without those four, I'm not sure where I'd be. Maybe six feet under. But because of them I've been able to look beyond the ugliness of others.

Maybe you can find an LGBT support group nearby? Often through such groups you meet not only other LGBT people but also other straight allies as well.

LTL

Other than family and support groupies,  have you come out anyone else?  Is there no one with whom you can talk, laugh or cry?


Jen

Quote from: JLT1 on September 07, 2014, 07:43:45 AM
LTL

Other than family and support groupies,  have you come out anyone else?  Is there no one with whom you can talk, laugh or cry?


Jen

I am out to my friends and acquaintances as well, but I haven't officially come out to many people.  I suspect most people in my day to day life know.  Like at my job, I suspect one of my friends told people there and it's likely spread around.  The only thing, however, is I don't know what he said about me.  Therefore, people probably know, but I don't know to what extent as I've never talked to them about it.  In fact, I do my best to hide it and keep quiet so that I won't be read.  As for my friends, most of them are wonderful people that are very supportive.  I owe a lot to them for their support and assistance through all of this as I probably would have been in a much worse space without them.  I'll appreciate and love them forever for that. The thing is, however, I don't reach out to most of my friends often and I'm not comfortable using them as part of my support.  Here and there we'll talk, but they have busy/prodcutive lives and it's not right for me to drag them down with my drama.  So, I don't really have friends that I can talk to on a regular basis.  And that can be lonely during this process.  Especially when you get someone judging eyes on a daily basis.  Like I feel like everyday I'm wearing a ridiculous costume that I can't take off and the eyes of other people point out that they notice it too.  I just wish being trans wasn't such a stigma in our society.  But it is, and I have to make sure my transition goes as perfect as possible because of this.  Until I get to that point, I live unhappily as a weird looking and unhappy guy.  But the stress of it and the day to day crap because emotionally exhasting and depressing.  I don't know how much longer I can put up with it.  I just want to look different and stop hiding everything I think an feel.

Sorry for the tangents that are all over my post.  There are just many different things that I am feeling during this time.

Quote from: LizMarie on September 06, 2014, 03:09:22 PM
My personal support structure has been four very dear and accepting friends.

The first was the very first person to whom I came out. My spouse was later angry that I told this woman first but she is an LGBT ally and has a gay brother and at least two other trans friends. I knew she would accept me and I feared my spouse would reject me though I naively hoped she would not. In the end, my fears were justified.

The second is another wonderful woman whom I've known for 17 years now. When I came out to her she replied that suddenly everything made sense. I asked what she meant and she said I was never like any man she knew but seeing me as a woman and suddenly it all "made sense". She's been extremely supportive throughout.

The final two are a married couple whom I've known for about 15 years and they've both had zero issues with me at all, thankfully. They've included me with their children and have been there regularly for me.

Without those four, I'm not sure where I'd be. Maybe six feet under. But because of them I've been able to look beyond the ugliness of others.

Maybe you can find an LGBT support group nearby? Often through such groups you meet not only other LGBT people but also other straight allies as well.

As for support groups, I really don't attend them.  It's hard for me to explain but I feel like I don't fit in to them when I go.  To be honest, it's a little weird being the only transgirl in my age group.  There is really only one or two around my age that I know, but they aren't always at the group and they are younger than me anyway (I'm 25).   Most of the older transwomen are very nice and supportive, but sometimes there is an age and lifestyle barrier that makes me feel different.  They have important struggles themselves, but I can't always relate to them even when I empathize with them.  Then again, we all go through much of the same stuff and they are very nice and supportive people.  It's just... I feel like I don't fit in at those groups. There is no particular reason, just a feeling I get because of my age and the transition status I am in.  And for this reason I avoid them even though my therapist keeps pushing me to go.  I know most of that is silly and shouldn't prevent me from going as there is much to be gained and nice people to associate with, I just have a lot of social anxiety and feel like an outsider for whatever reason.