So, lately, I've hit that point on testosterone where (thank god) I pass 100% of the time effortlessly, even to other trans people. Something kind of alarming I've picked up on that bothers me SO MUCH and makes me really dysphoric is when, for example, someone who had no idea I'm trans finds out I am and says something along the lines of "ha! Fooled me!". It's just... really bothersome for me, and makes me feel really crappy. Like, no, I didn't fool you, you thought I was cis when I was really trans. That's the whole thing. I'm not out to "fool" people into thinking I'm the gender I am, I really AM the gender I am. Every time it happens I usually say something bitter and brush it off, but then later it just comes back to haunt me when I'm feeling the slightest bit bad about anything. Like, I just HATE people telling me this crap, because it feels so invalidating. Anyone else deal with this? How do you tell people to not use those terms?

This is one of the many many reasons I don't come out to people. Okay, it's way down the list, but it's there.

I've had people say this and similar things to me, and I finally decided that I would think of some snappy replies. And you know what? I really couldn't think of any that weren't pretty nasty. Fortunately, I was coming out of the androgynous phase by then.

I don't know what to tell you except to hang in there. Perhaps someone else will have a snappy comeback that doesn't come across as angry and bitter.

Quote from: Arch on September 08, 2014, 01:10:54 AM
Perhaps someone else will have a snappy comeback that doesn't come across as angry and bitter.

Actually that's an excellent opportunity to educate someone one. To explain to them why it bothers us when people think we're trying to "fool" them when in reality we're trying to make it easiest for them to gender us correctly.

I'll always chose education over snappy answers. Never know when it will help.

It's true. I also don't just come out to people. At some point they might find out but by then they know me and it's not a big deal. For guys I know they will make stupid comments not to be mean but because guys do stuff like that to kind of break the ice of the moment. You know how guys are. But I have found that with a little time guys def accept their brothers trans or not as just that brothers. Will they rank
On you from time to time about it? Yup but that's just how they communicate unless you change the dynamics of the relationship communication

I kind of like it, but I'm only unintentionally stealth.  I don't think I've ever had anyone say "fooled me" but people are always surprised.  I like that people would never have expected it.  Not only because that means I pass, but also because it can permanently change their perspective on trans people.  We're just regular folks in many ways.  Sure we have some problems with one thing or another compared to the average cis person, but who doesn't have some issues? 

Meeting a trans person who doesn't stick out like a sore thumb, seems well balanced, and like a regular sort of guy/gal is beneficial to the perspective cis people take towards trans people in general.  I know for a fact that the people I went to school with when I transitioned are more likely to stand up for trans people for having known me and the other couple trans people in my department.  People are likely to stick up for friends and people they respect.  Lots of straight people advocate for gay marriage for this reason.  Why wouldn't it work the same way for trans people?

Maybe I'm getting what you said mixed up though because of the specific term "fooled me."  As to that... I also don't think I'd be offended.  If I thought they were getting the wrong idea about being trans I'd probably just respond with something like "well I'm not trying to fool anyone.  Its just something I had to do to make myself comfortable in the world"  I try to avoid negativity in these situations.  People aren't likely to try to stand up for someone who bites their head off.  I see these interactions as a kind of acts of diplomacy.  I guess not everyone has to though. 

Regardless, as others have mentioned.. I do try to wait a bit before coming out, and always do so casually and usually unintentionally.  Mentioning something from my girl past is the easiest.  Doesn't make a big deal out of it, but gets the point across.  I've used stories from being in the girl scouts to come out many times.  Waiting a bit lets them get to know you as a regular person before putting any trans prejudices on your head, and is also useful in cultivating allies.  As I said before.. people like to stand up for their friends. 

I play things by ear, I generally get cis privilege but work on the assumption that everyone knows and is far too polite to say anything. I came out to someone I met a few weeks back, but during the course of a very long conversation she was talking about another friend of hers and her transition and I quietly mentioned mine. I think my exact words were "yeah, I found it was an interesting journey", and then we just carried on with the conversation.

I've never had an issue coming out to people, though I don't tell everyone I meet.

One of my cousins is FTM. He has been this way for a long time. But he never told anyone. He just did it. That's just how he always was. He even moved in with his girlfriend and really doesn't say anything to anyone about it, just introduced her by name. Works for me.

Quote from: ImagineKate on September 10, 2014, 09:00:58 AM
One of my cousins is FTM. She has been this way for a long time. But she never told anyone. She just did it. That's just how she always was. She even moved in with her girlfriend and really doesn't say anything to anyone about it, just introduced her by name. Works for me.

Sorry, I have to say it...

FTM (female to male) = male, he, his
MTF (male to female) = female, she, her(s)

Quote from: HumanBeing on September 10, 2014, 11:37:08 AM
Sorry, I have to say it...

FTM (female to male) = male, he, his
MTF (male to female) = female, she, her(s)

Woops, sorry. You want to know something? He still uses the female pronouns with family... Maybe I'm assuming he is FTM, but it is quite obvious. He looks more manly than me, male pattern baldness and all (which likely indicates he's taking T) Maybe I shouldn't assume.

Quote from: ImagineKate on September 10, 2014, 02:00:40 PM
Woops, sorry. You want to know something? He still uses the female pronouns with family... Maybe I'm assuming he is FTM, but it is quite obvious. He looks more manly than me, male pattern baldness and all (which likely indicates he's taking T) Maybe I shouldn't assume.

Not a problem, was an honest mistake Well maybe he is on T and just hasn't come out as yet? Who knows