Hey Brett, congrats on starting T...I've been on Testim for almost 5 months now, so I will try to give you a bit of advice based on that short (but intense and dense) experience.
I did experience an increase in preexisting depression and anxiety. It scared me at first too, since my mental health was already pretty bad. 3 months in I had suicidal thoughts. I had to call the PA that was taking care of me and she immediately took me off T. I have since then found a more qualified endo, am back on T, but I have reflected a lot on that experience, as it was pretty distressing.
Here are a few things I learned:
-Do you have a preexisting mental health condition? Personally, I have been in therapy for a decade, have had episodes of major depression and panic disorder consistently since the start of my first puberty. Although I was hoping that it was all due my GID, and thus would all go away once I medically transition into my true self, it's not that easy. I have come to the realization/acceptance that clinical depression and anxiety are caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain - not just circumstantial. It's a tendency I have and will always have. I have thus surrendered to medication and I am now on Wellbutrin - and starting to feel much better. I don't regret it: taking antidepressants is enabling me to look at the positive aspects of my transition, instead of beating myself up over the negative ones, ENJOY the changes that ARE taking place, and be grateful for what I do have.
--> starting T did increase my preexisting depression/anxiety. That doesn't mean that transitioning itself is making me depressed; I can now see that what happened to me was mostly chemical. Either T increases depression and anxiety, or simply going through puberty when starting HRT is hard on people who are already sensitive to depression and anxiety. It's a hormonal roller-coaster, no doubt we all go through intense feelings and mood swings - maybe just more intense on those with preexisting mental health issues.
-Of course there would also be circumstantial reasons for being depressed or anxious when starting HRT - let's be honest, who could be totally at peace living as a transgender individual in this society? All the external hardships that come with being trans - job, housing, or family situation, insurance issues, etc. - make it anything but a smooth ride. And then add to that the more "existential" difficulties of being transgender that you may or may not have, and might be even more prone to if you are of an anxious nature: guilt, shame, self-loathing, etc...and then the whole (beautiful) process of becoming that comes with transitioning - yes you have always been male, but have you had the chance to express this externally, to give that man some room to grow and fully develop? Or isn't transitioning precisely a way for you to finally let yourself become who you were always supposed to be? In that case, there is a necessary adjustment period - I'm guessing you haven't lived as a man in this society yet, because you might not have always been seen and treated like one. So some of this is new.
--> what I mean is that change, novelty, all that is involved in a transition (any kind of transition...), is scary! It's unfamiliar, it requires adjustment, some grieving and rebirth, some losses and some gains...And when you are of an anxious or depressed nature, you can triple your reaction to change/unknown future, and you tend to focus on the negatives...you probably freak out. Does fear mean that you are going the wrong way, though...? I don't know if it does for you, but for me, I see fear as a natural obstacle on a path to my true self. It doesn't mean I should stop; on the contrary, it presents itself as an obstacle to overcome so that I continue my path even stronger and more confident.
-Last thing: "My goal now is to see how I feel emotionally on T before too much change results. From there, I will either stop, or move to long term full dose. What I am looking for is to see if T "tips the scales" towards transition."
I know what you mean. I have had this thought in my anxious states. I think the problem though, is that you actually have to be on T long enough to really know...You've probably heard of the 6-month "mark", the 1 year mark – I don't think it's a myth. As I'm approaching the 6 months mark, I am feeling better and better every day. My body is adjusting, the hormonal roller-coaster is slowing down, I am finally starting to see some changes, it's making me so happy to finally see a boy in the mirror, I am settling into my self gradually...I was in total panic 1 month ago, still. I was scared it would never end. Now I feel confident that it will, that things only get better with time...but you have to accept going through the storm first. And I think it's easier to do that if you have faith that things get better, if you keep your eye on that belief. In that mindset, the bumps in the road are easier to handle, because you can see that's all they are, you don't cling to them as permanent states. I think that, in this state of puberty, you HAVE to learn to take a step back from your thoughts and emotions, or else they can overwhelm you and you can give them much more importance then they deserve - and lose track of your original intention and deep desires.
What is your intention, what are your priorities? Personally, I know and have known for a while that transitioning is necessary for my well-being, I came to a point where it wasn't an option. Once I accepted that, I also committed to accept all the hardships that come with it. I just can't turn my back to my true self. It's not easy, but that doesn't make it not worth it. You're only 7 days on your journey...I would advise that you give it some time, that you try to relax, let go of the handlebar, and let T do its work for you a bit.
That said, it's a sure thing that transitioning can be extremely difficult and lonely, and it's not a joke when they say that you need a very strong support system – that can mean therapy, medication, support groups, trans friends, a supportive social circle etc. Sorry for the length but I guess my main point is: depression and anxiety shouldn't be surprising in trans folks, they are not necessarily "red flags" that mean you are on the wrong path. They might be for some people, but then you will know if that is the case for you, if you are either not meant to medically transition or simply not ready. And also you should really try to distinguish between feelings caused by hormonal fluctuations, preexisting chemical imbalances, circumstances, etc. T is powerful but there are so many other factors at play when you transition. Hope this helps a bit.
