I have just recently(about three years ago) started to have feminin feelings and emotions and thoughts. I tried to hide it for a while(two years) and then I felt as thought I needed to discuss this with my wife, sometimes I think that was a mistake as I was not shire want was going on with me. I did my best to explain to her what I was feeling and thinking but she did not understand just like me. We thought maby there was a medical reason for this but all the Drs could find was low T so for a while we clung to that as a cause for all the feminity new to me. When me testosterone was corrected and the feelings remained I started counseling and now I know why I have these feelings. I discovered in counseling that I have had these feelings all my life and just was able to stuff them away. I now remember several things about my past that just speaks volumes about who I really am.

At this time I am in a rocky marriage, and she has told me that if I make any changes to my appearance she will not stay. I have one (15 year old) child that knows about this and she said " no matter what I look like I will always be her Daddy.

Now I am just torn as to how to deal with all of this,at times I just want to rip my skin off and pull myself apart limb by limb, and other times I pray that I could die, thoughts of auto accident, a I drive for a living. Pills as I have plenty of them, bullet to the head, or any of a number of othe ways. Promem is I am to scare to even attempt any so I just wollow in my muddy hole and hope that someone will wash me off, but deep down I know the only person that can put my turmoil to an end is me. I just need to figure out which is the worst of two evils, live life as someone that now feels fake to make her happy or end my marriage of 16 years and fight that depression.

Any comments would be appreciated and helpful.

Hi Davida

I truly sympathise with your situation, but I think you must be a really strong person emotionally to have got through 16 years of marriage with this in your head, so draw on that emotional strength now!

If you are not sure of which road to take, perhaps you need to return to / continue with your counselling until this becomes clearer to you?  It is extremely positive that you are able to talk to your wife about this, and remember that there are plenty of places between "man" and "woman" where you could find an equilibrium acceptable both to you and your wife.

Also, as hard as it may feel emotionally to consider this, it would be prudent to explore the financial consequences that a separation or divorce may have, so that you can take any decisions with all the information at hand.

Good luck! 

Julia

Julia thanks for the advice.I am still in counseling as I would be in trobule without it. I am thinking of taking to my counslor about HRT and that is not going to sit well with my wife. I have been told that hormones will help with anxiety and depression and get things going the direction they should have years ago. I know that I have to choose between my life and her happiness, and if I stay the way she wants me to then I will be miserable and so will everyone around me. I have not been able to look in a mirrow for years because of what I see, I know that I am not the only one to be there but I can not stand my form or life anymore.

Hi Davida

I would agree that HRT may well help you find an equilibrium.  For most of us, and I'm guessing you're probably in your mid-30s, the effects are subtle, but very positive.  We can become a little less aggressive, more empathetic, more able to deal with our emotions and be able to communicate on a more emotional level with women.  The physical changes would be pretty slow, so you're not going to turn into Beyoncé any time soon   The only thing you need to keep in mind is that sexual function might change a lot - you could basically lose interest, and when you are aroused it can take quite some time to reach a decent male functional level.

Complicated lives --- we've all got 'em!  Being transgender isn't easy, but it can be very affirming.

Julia

Quote from: Julia-Madrid on September 19, 2014, 06:40:21 PM
Hi Davida

I would agree that HRT may well help you find an equilibrium.  For most of us, and I'm guessing you're probably in your mid-30s, the effects are subtle, but very positive.  We can become a little less aggressive, more empathetic, more able to deal with our emotions and be able to communicate on a more emotional level with women.  The physical changes would be pretty slow, so you're not going to turn into Beyoncé any time soon   The only thing you need to keep in mind is that sexual function might change a lot - you could basically lose interest, and when you are aroused it can take quite some time to reach a decent male functional level.

Complicated lives --- we've all got 'em!  Being transgender isn't easy, but it can be very affirming.

So no pill to turn me into Beyonce, that sucks. And as for mid thirties, haha, add about 10 years to that. I just need to find a way to make sense of all of the thoughts in my head, so that I can get it out. Being here allows me an outlet but it also creates more questions.

Julia

Quote from: Davida on September 19, 2014, 11:12:22 AM
I have just recently(about three years ago) started to have feminin feelings and emotions and thoughts. I tried to hide it for a while(two years) and then I felt as thought I needed to discuss this with my wife, sometimes I think that was a mistake as I was not shire want was going on with me. I did my best to explain to her what I was feeling and thinking but she did not understand just like me. We thought maby there was a medical reason for this but all the Drs could find was low T so for a while we clung to that as a cause for all the feminity new to me. When me testosterone was corrected and the feelings remained I started counseling and now I know why I have these feelings. I discovered in counseling that I have had these feelings all my life and just was able to stuff them away. I now remember several things about my past that just speaks volumes about who I really am.

At this time I am in a rocky marriage, and she has told me that if I make any changes to my appearance she will not stay. I have one (15 year old) child that knows about this and she said " no matter what I look like I will always be her Daddy.

Now I am just torn as to how to deal with all of this,at times I just want to rip my skin off and pull myself apart limb by limb, and other times I pray that I could die, thoughts of auto accident, a I drive for a living. Pills as I have plenty of them, bullet to the head, or any of a number of othe ways. Promem is I am to scare to even attempt any so I just wollow in my muddy hole and hope that someone will wash me off, but deep down I know the only person that can put my turmoil to an end is me. I just need to figure out which is the worst of two evils, live life as someone that now feels fake to make her happy or end my marriage of 16 years and fight that depression.

Any comments would be appreciated and helpful.

I'm wrestling with many of the same issues as well. Therapy is a good starting point to sort out your feelings. Low dose HRT could also help quell much of the dysphoria but as noted there are two side effects - the first is that your sex drive could diminish so much that your wife and you would end up having no sex life, or close to it and the second is that you might decide that you like it so much you could end up going for a full transition.

The fact that your child will love you no matter what is a big plus. My kids are younger and they're accustomed to see daddy dressed up around the house, androgynous when mommy is around, and a bit more fem when she's not, as I haven't fully come out to her. 

For me personally my decision is whether I want to sacrifice myself for everyone else OR I want to be free to be myself, consequences be damned. Really simple choice, right? I have battled with this since I was 4 and I realized that it is not going to go away. I didn't choose this. Trust me, if I could make my dysphoria go away, I would.

Quote from: ImagineKate on September 19, 2014, 08:44:59 PM
For me personally my decision is whether I want to sacrifice myself for everyone else OR I want to be free to be myself

^ this.

I've tried to say the same thing but never so eloquently.  In my mind I feel like everybody else will be very angry at me because I have 2 new children.  My wife is on board, but seriously, I know it will sound selfish to others when I come out.  Is it truly selfish to simply want to be yourself? 

I was fighting being trans since I was like 5. I also tried not fighting it in my early 20's when I twice experimented with transitioning. Always the drive to be "Normal" won out. To a point, I did allow myself to think I was just a bit more than your average CD.

After that I had a fairly good 30 year run. My wife always knew of my past but not thrilled over seeing me presenting as Joanne, so that was kept to an absolute minimum for survival. If you call just existing as surviving. A souless, lifeless machine. In a rocky marriage as I turned into a miserable person to live with says my wife.

My life totally changed after going to my first ever TG support group meeting. I thought I knew it all, but it was nothing compared to being in room full of women very much like me. By the third meeting I knew for sure I needed to be there and past time to tell my wife what's been going on. I was living & working way out of state at the time. She was far from thrilled about this development.

Fixing me went a long ways towards fixing the "Us". Over time she saw all the positive things happening to me and how much better of a person I was. Slowly getting back to not just the old me, but an even better me.

It took time, it took hard work for us both to make it work, it took a few gallons of tears. There were plenty of dark times for us both. Our love for eachother is now stronger then ever. She is supportive, to a point, right now. It is not fair for me to ask, nor can she possibly even know, what her feelings will turn out to be if/when I fully transition. One day at a time.

Life is change. Six years ago when I knew I needed to take the trans beast head on, transition was the absolute last thing on my mind. Been there, done that. A few years later, it looked very very real, today its a big question mark. I am mostly happy now being me. I am finally comfortable being in my own skin. I have a job that is like getting paid to have fun. Once I move out of this cesspool "Village" I'll be able to get back to living part time as female.

Fear paralyzed me most of my life. It still affects me. It does not matter if they are real or imaginary. Fear is basic. Fear is key to surviving. Facing fears is key to living. 

Joanne,

Your experiences give me hope that one day my wife and I will be able to see each other through these dark times we are in at the moment.

Thank you for sharing your experiences as it is encourageing to me.

Davida Hugs,

I have been on HRT for 15 months of which 12 have been full dose. HRT changes are very slow but when changes happen it is very exciting. I thought how would I go on the beach? How would I go on the each in a wet suit? I thought I would be fired, divorced and my wife and daughter would never want to see me.

I am out to a dozen people, got a promotion at work, and went n the beach with a rash guard and well in the spring and fall the beach is pretty empty and why really cares ( took me a while  to think that way).

My daughter and I are ok, we just did a 5 K (walked) for the red cross today and hooked up her I phone 6. She is spoiled rotten and we spent most of today together. She has a softball game today and my wife and I never miss it.

My wife, I asked her if she knew prior to marriage would she still have married me. She thought and said yes and I got emotional. I never wore my marriage ring and when I lost weight 17 years ago it did not fit, size 10. So I purchased a new band size 8.5 and have been wearing it for  or 3 months. We need to plans sex because I take a Cialis pill and need to wait 3 hours. Fore play is need for her and now me and I really enjoy it. We have sex 1 or 2 times a month on occasion.  I love her and I connect with here much more deeply now.

Cloths and makeup ( very minor) are things I am working on now. I go to the gayborhood for therapy, group and now gym (with locker). I like guys but I am married and need to keep what is great in my life so no fooling around for me. In the gayborhood people are very accepting and being able to express to your comfort level is so empowering, like a high.

Just some thoughts.

Cynthia

Thank you. I have been waiting for my wife to to accept me is I now feel and the changes that I will incur, but she is not willing to let go of what other people think. I some times think we would both be better off if we end our relationship. At that I would not be forcing her into my closet, so to speak. I love her with all my heart and it hurts me to see the turmoil that she is in, but at the same time I have gotten depressed and now have anxiety issues that I can not control. I use to be able to go anywhere and not worry about anything, but now I can not step out of the house, even still presenting as male, without feeling as though I am dressed wrong and my Brest are to small or my waist is to large.

I just keep asking why God allowed this to happen to me.

I can remember very little of my childhood due to living in an abusive household, but with therapy I have reclaimed a few memories and all of them are of me wanting to be a girl. According to me therapist I have repressed all of these memories even of cross dressing in my adult life, and then as I have heard in several encounters the dysphoria comes crashing in when you are not even prepared. Now I am floundering abound like a fish out of water.

Thanks for taking the time to talk and the huggs.