I have no idea if today was good, or bad, I can say for certain that I am now completely uncomfortable around my parents, especially my mom.

I was feeling amazing after last night, I stayed up until 2am thinking and making more plans for the future. But this morning I was getting ready to go to the zoo, when my mom stopped me in outside of my room and started questioning me about a burn on my arm, I forgot exactly what I said, but she dropped the conversation after I insisted that I had no idea.. which I am guessing she knew was a lie.

Anyways, everything was going fine after that, we met up with my uncle, his girlfriend, and his girlfriend's daughter and friend... Until we were waiting in line to get unto a tour bus thing, when my uncle asked if I was okay, took me a second to realize he noticed the burn(no way to hide it without drawing attention), so I ignored the question hoping he wouldn't continue. He did the opposite and asked directly about the burn, and all the sudden everybody was questioning me about it, I pretty much remained silent.. Luckily my brother changed the topic(pretty sure my dad and brother had no idea what the conversation was about).

The third thing that still has me completely uncomfortable, is somehow my mom happened to look my direction on the tour bus, at just the right moment to see the smaller burns on my inner arm, she asked me briefly about it, then got distracted by the 12,000 pound elephant.

So, this kind of sucks, since I know for certain now that my mom knows I am self harming. And she wants me to go to a youth group tomorrow, but with no way to hide the burns, I am going to end up being questioned there about them.. but if I stay home, I am pretty much going to be stuck talking to my parents about self harm.

At the same time of being uncomfortable, scared, and all those other negative feelings, I also feel like this could be the chance I have been waiting for, to bring up the possibility of starting therapy...

I really have no idea if I should risk asking about therapy, or just hope that my parents won't question me anymore about it.

There should be no problem asking for therapy, you don't necessarily have to mention the gender angle. If it means you're less likely to self harm as a result I hope they do agree to get you someone to talk to.

As a parent I would be concerned if my kid was self harming as well. I agree about asking for therapy.

Avinia, I'd echo the other two and urge you to try and deal with this.  I spent a lot of years hating myself, and although it never went as far as self-harm, that was something I thought about fairly often.  It's no good for you.  You need to come to terms with it, especially because you'll eventually discover that you have no real reason to go at yourself like that.  You're as valid a person as anybody else, and like anybody else you can find genuine reasons to like yourself.  A much healthier and happier outlook on life.

Best of luck,
Foxglove

Well, my parents stopped asking me about it.. Kind of was hoping they would continue so I could just tell them I need to talk to a therapist, guess I have to do it the hard way now.

Possibly a good thing for this though, I just remembered that I am now in the mental health sections of my Health books, so might be able to use that as something to help me ask about it.. since I really hate to just come out with something that big without having some kind of motivation that my parents could see.

I won't try to tell you not to self harm. I'm in mental health and see a lot of it. The accepted wisdom is that self harm is a way of asserting control of your life when your control seems inadequate to you, just, please, be careful!

A woman in our facility, just before I was hired, felt the need. She locked herself in the bathroom and started cutting. she tried to hide it by cutting high on her inner thigh. Not surprisingly, she nicked her femoral artery and nearly bled out before someone jimmied the lock when she didn't respond. She IS alive today.

If you must self harm be aware of the dangers, pick the spot carefully and perform proper aftercare on the wound. If you can, pick a less destructive method, such as pinching. The web of the thumb is a good place, it hurts, but doesn't leave difficult to explain marks. If self harm is a way of asserting control of your life, then choosing the method to minimize permanent damage is the ultimate self assertion.

People who do it have told me that they like to show off the damage to the people they feel control their lives, but after they finally gain enough control to feel comfortable they find the visible scars distressing and embarrassing. That probably doesn't matter to you just now. Today matters, not "someday", but "someday" WILL come. Hold on!

I actually ended up deciding not to continue self harming the way I tried, since I found it impossible to hide, have gone back to just blasting music when I am feeling really bad.

Back on the topic of therapy though, after talking to some people on the internet, watching a ton of videos, and reading some advice.. I have decided that I shall start gaining the courage to ask my mom about it sometime this week. Will use the excuse of trouble socializing since my parents have thought that is the problem for a long time.

Just have to decide on a right time, and if I can actually ask without getting scared and changing the topic like I have in the past.