It has been some time since I've been on here... Some time since I've needed to be.

So, last night I was dealt a very deep blow by someone I thought supported me and cared for me... But now I'm not so sure. My wife.

She was, what I thought at the time, joking around. We had got on the topic of me somehow, and she said "so you're going to stay a guy, right?" I laughed and said no, and she gave me a look like it was a shock to her. Ensue serious discussion (mind you, at the beginning of the year, I had thought about not transitioning, but I got so depressed I started thinking about suicide again). After a month of telling her I wouldn't transition, I changed my mind and clearly told her.

Anyway, back to last night. She pretty much dominated the conversation, and it involved things like how she wants our 1 1/2 year old son to have a mom and a dad, and how I'll have to wait longer because we want a second kid, and how she might just be staying because she doesn't want to be a single mom, or for our son to have a step dad.
That was mostly annoying, but the painful one came out too. For the past week and a half, I'd been too busy or had to go out, so I didn't dress. My wife started to get used to it, and apparently the loving feelings "like when we started dating" came back. But, and I quote, "the day I saw your closet opened, they all disappeared." That says very clearly to me that she loves the clothes I wear, not the person underneath.
Also, to add to that. When I first came out last year, I was certain divorce would follow quickly. She took my son and left to her parents house a state away. At that point, I was ready to basically let them go so we could all get on with our lives. Well, she said last night that she "kinda wishes she'd just stayed away."

IDK what I want to do now. I'm angry and depressed. I won't just let her take it back, because she was crying when she said it, which means she meant it. I'm starting to consider giving her a deadline, or maybe closing the deal myself...

What's worse, she is so indecisive about staying or leaving, but she wants ME to help her decide. How am I supposed to help her if she stays with me or not??? I tell her to talk to someone. We have 2 free therapy sessions through each of our jobs... But she's all about appearance. It can't look like we're having problems...

At this point, I would hurt so many people by divorcing, I don't know if I could live. I love my son, and my parents would be devastated if my wife up and left, which is apparently the only option if we would divorce.

I just want to scream at her and tell her to stop being such a stupid... Well...

Any help??

Oh I forgot to mention. I have suggested co-parenting in the past (aka divorcing but still living together to care for our son), but she counters with  "he'd still see you dressed as a woman." I'm just sick of her thinking that me transitioning is going to mess him up. Plenty of people have told her otherwise.

Oh Chelsea, I've been there. My wife took nearly a year to decide to divorce me. I know other marriage that stayed together, but were greatly changed.

It's such a hard thing for a straight woman to reconcile spending the rest of her life married to a female. It's going to take a very long time for her to decide.

I couldn't wait. I knew I had to transition, and that she would have to decide on her own time whether she wanted to stay with me or not. I couldn't control what she decided and I knew I needed to get used to the fact that we may or may not be together.

One really important thing, though: Having a trans parent doesn't harm a kid.

I'll say it again. Having a trans parent doesn't harm a kid.

In fact, having a parent who is comfortable with herself, is much, much better than having a parent who is battling depression and suicide. Scientific studies have PROVEN that children with LGBT parents do just as well as those with straight parents, and in some ways, better.

Good Luck Chelsea. We're here when you need us. You're strong enough to see this through however it ends.

Chelsea-

This all sounds very familiar, because I heard a lot of the same stuff from my ex before we went our separate ways. Ultimately she could not stand the thought of being married to another female and I really needed to move forward with my transition so we reached an impasse and split.

You have some tough situations ahead of you and my heart goes out to you. Many of us have walked this road before and we are here for you if you need us.