The obvious answer for me is dysphoria, but if I had to pick a specific thing... it would probably be the fact that hormones will = no longer being attractive for me.

Quote from: spacerace on September 15, 2014, 10:56:44 PM
Worrying if the quality of health care I receive will be affected because the medical professionals will be distracted and caught off-guard when they don't have experience with trans people, at least on a subconscious level, even if they have the best intentions. Or worse, that they will be disgusted and provide sub-standard care.

My primary care doctor is fantastic, so I don't mean that, I more mean in an emergency setting, or if I went back to the south where I grew up, or had a problem when travelling to another country or something.

THIS.

I've had to switch from the doctor I've had since the day I was born because he refused to refer me to a gender therapist. Now I've got a new doctor assigned to me, courtesy of Covered California, and the new guy seems to be sabotaging my attempts to see a gender therapist too. I've submitted all the right paperwork to the gender therapist but they can't set up an appointment (and it takes months to get a consultation there) until my doc sends the right authorization forms. I've been trying to get my doc to do it since I switched over a few MONTHS ago, and they still haven't followed through and I can't spend another two weeks trying to find another doctor only to be disappointed again. I just can't. I don't think I'm going to be able to wait and I'm going to wind up offing myself.

For me, it is understanding the thought processes involved in allocating gender.

Because knowing this is what makes it difficult to exist, it means I'm understanding of the opinions my outward presentation will cause. And also this provides me internal turmoil as I struggle to accept that my body stops me from being  a normal girl.

This is by far for me the worst thing, I BELIEVE focussing on sex/gender allocation is a toxic place to be.
However Sex is in our nature and the allocations of sex/gender are a huge part of being human, as we seek out ultimately our preference in partners. 

And in this area too, "being aware of these allocating processes" make this extremely hurtful as we understand that if we are lucky to find an accepting partner,  any number of things about our bodies prevent us from accepting that our partner see us as undoubtedly our identity.

Feelings of inadequacy are the worst part of it for me...

That feeling that no matter how much I've been on hormones, they won't ever change the fact that I went through a male puberty. And thus I'll always feel like less of a woman because I'll always have wider shoulders, a changed voice, a receded hairline, bigger pores and less skin softness, bigger hands, bigger feet, and a stockier build with big bones.

And this is from someone who does pass. I still feel bad about my appearance a lot, and still feel like I'll still never be the woman that I really wish I could be. It's that pain of what could have been that's the worst part.

Getting fired from jobs twice as a result of being trans, and being rejected from a job interview because of my nervousness as a result of that too, has done my mental state no favors either. In fact, it's probably a cause. It's hard to have self-esteem about being trans when it came damned close to destroying my entire working life. That's made me so damned afraid of other people's judgment, and so afraid of messing up.

For me the worst thing is when an account on here goes quiet and I am left wondering what happened. People share so much of what they feel that I find it all but impossible not to care.

Keep yourselves safe.

Rosie

at the moment:  I keep oscillating between happy & excited to know who I really am, then flip! to part of me going "You're $@#%ing nuts! You're imagining #@%& "

I can usually turn the volume down on the negative voice if i stroll through a few memories and say "Nope, I'm pretty sure I'm not nutters." 

Quote from: Allyda on September 19, 2014, 11:42:52 AM
For me the song was Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl." I'm not too big of a Katy Perry fan tho. I listen to other stuff like Nightwish, Epica, Therion, and Revamp more often. But that's the song that gave me my breakthrough.

Ally

Katy Perry gives me extreme dysphoria attacks. Especially where she did the ice bucket challenge on the pirate ship in a bikini. I felt down for the rest of the day when I saw that.

Quote from: H, H, H, Honeypot! on September 22, 2014, 04:46:52 PM
For me the worst thing is when an account on here goes quiet and I am left wondering what happened. People share so much of what they feel that I find it all but impossible not to care.

Keep yourselves safe.

Rosie

In my short time here I have wondered the same thing.

On the one hand it could be the unthinkable... but on the other hand maybe the girl/guy just wants to get on with their life and even live stealth. You never really know and yes, it is impossible not to care.

Quote from: ImagineKate on September 23, 2014, 10:49:07 AM
Katy Perry gives me extreme dysphoria attacks. Especially where she did the ice bucket challenge on the pirate ship in a bikini. I felt down for the rest of the day when I saw that.

I'm not a Katy Perry fan either. I much prefer Nightwish(pre 2005), Epica, Therion, Evanescence, Eluveitie, Revamp, Hammerfall, Queessryche, Pantera, and other bands like them, to give you an idea of what I normally listen to. That song tho, "I Kissed A Girl" has a catchy phrase/tune that was easy for me to sing along with, and I can hit her range. It was that song that helped me find my voice regardless of her on stage/video antics.

Peace Everyone.
Ally