Hi
I'm someone with a very depressed background. So far I remember, in my childhood I had been very girly, and this has been several time told to me by my relatives also. I had always wanted to be a girl, acted like one, wore scarfs, makeup, jwelery and played with girls the very girly traditional games. Before I tell my story further, I want to make it clear that there is no memory that I can recall of the fact that tells me why I started all that. Was it because of the way I was brought up as my aunt tells me that when I was an infant she used to play a song and make me dance on it and that went on for quite a time. Also, I was born in a very conjusted family with a lot of female members. Was it because I was brought up amongst females? My cousins, aunts etc? But the fact also lies that I had male cousins too. And they were slightly older than me. I grew up with the same system. Dancing etc and adorned in a peculiar way. I gradually adopted or should I say I not adopted but I was naturally like that. Girly - like some little cisgender girl.
Its not all. When I was still half or one year old, another male cousin came into the family. Maybe he was also made to dance on songs, seldom and none has ever talked of him like that. But always about me. That I was girly. After few years there started an array of male births and I was fairly grown up by then. All of my cousins and brothers were normal but I grew more attached to my mom and grandma. I felt calm with them.
As the time passed my yearn for dolls, makeup, dance, scarfs etc increased. My mother never stopped me severely from such things and she actually didn't mind buying me an expensive doll or seeing me acting around in her clothes wearing bangles or planning marriages of my dolls.
With the passage of time and with the environment around me, taunting, depressing and strange, I realised that doing what your opposite sex does in public and freely was not acceptable to the society, my father and the family around, however, my aunts and my sweet mother always just watched me doing stuff and then laugh and say, "He'll get alright later." But I didn't.... I remember that in my school I started to stay restricted and aware of the fact that I shouldn't do something that would be a stereotype for me. In my own world-at home, among bros and mom-I used to express myself. Had a secret compartment in the cupboard where I kept small pieces of waist jewelry of my mom and wear them for some while, look beautiful then out of fear of being caught up, take them out and act normal.
My best friends always were girls but in school I had few friends and they used to call me girl.
Well, after getting older a bit. 4th grade I presume. I fell in love with one of my friends, I even had written a love letter for him but didn't give him them. As then I thought that was gay! And being gay wasn't appealing for me. I respect them now, totally.
Anyways, I even wasn't into sports. Not even a bit. My bros used to play cricket and football and I...well acting fairy tales, imagining myself as a fairy. I did try playing cricket n all but I failed! I just couldn't!
At that time I didn't realize what I was and I did had the distinction of the sexes in my mind and I was always easily befriended with girls than boys and I was always conscious that I wasn't as competent as the rest of the boys were. Girly-id say again.
Having always seen as a defective male to myself, I grew up. Restricted but talented.
And yeah to mention I was teased with the name of one of my female cousin and I was shy about that but never attracted to her.
To sum up. I always wanted to be a girl in my childhood and always was afraid and dead depressed sometimes. I have dated girls, I do masterbate, I have good condition genitals and everything that a normal guy would have. My index finger is shorter than ring finger and 2D:4D ratio is around 0.93 something. My carrying angle is okay, not throwing away from the body. However, I can double cross, I love my bumpy hips and fell some girly wanna-be-penetrated feelings, my bones are light but my chest is wide. Not as much as my friends' but not even wider than them. I love the double crossing feeling. When im unconscious of my actions I seldom throw few wavy gestures and play eye catching expressions. Throughout my life a lot of gays have been attracted to me and so have even straight guys! I have dated 2 or 3 straight guys and I just can't explain how beautiful I felt. Wanted to be occupied, fantasising to be married, have children n all.
As I said I have dated girls too but I don't know how they went. I did have sex chats and I did have kisses but all that is nothing in relation to the feelings which I experienced with boys. Something radiating in my torso and arms, when they'd touch my butts I'd just want to moan and moan. With girls I did feel calm but I was just merely acting manly as I call it now.

Now at this stage, my 22nd year of age, I am aware of the tansgenderism. When I first read about it someone sprang up in me! But then later because of the conflict of the gender and gender role I always restricted myself. Sometimes I even thought of it as just a psychological disorder. As sometimes ( rare times, when I touch my penis and have those urges of masterbation, or seldom like 1% because of seeing naked woman) I feel the testosterone flow. You know what I mean...
Sometimes I get confused to death as what it is? What am I? When i start talking to my man I feel different! Mother instincts, care, hell of a love and those radiations! But when Im away in public I try to exhibit maleness (as I have learned recently the male thing talk, walk, dealing, vulgarness, aggression etc) and I exhibit them quite good. One of my friends was shocked totally when i told him my problem and he said NO! I didn't ever see a female in you! You were perfectly normal! But this all recent, after having to face, adopt n live in maleness. But before that I have always been taunted by the name "girly".
I had consulted a psychiatrist and she said GID was environmental. Induced. Because of upbringing or other way. But when I surfed net I found that this condition has some disposition in the androgenic activities at birth. I'm btw very flexible. My bones are light. Small palms, pretty looks but manly jaw. Its like one side of my jaw is rendering a square but the other side is a bit up.. Like sloping as a triangle. And my chin is fine.. Broad. I have slender legs. And I have no problem sitting crossed, folded like women or else. (I do know a lot of cisgender males in my circle who can cross and my brother also has light bones but he has never wanted to be a girl.)
Sooooo help me out people. Help me out what it is. Am I a transgender or its been just the fault of my upbringing.

Edit: Sorry for making you read so much!
Edit Edit: yeah I have prayed a lot to God to miraculously change me into girl. I'm in love and I can't help it. I want to have children with him

Interesting upbringing, but I doubt that had much of an effect. Hell, if anything you didn't have to suppress who you were like a lot of us did, so that is a plus. So I would say you are a wonder. I wouldn't worry too much about it though, you are who you are and unless you were brainwashed with your eyes taped open watching a screen flash images and words really fast to plant a psychological seed in your mind, you are probably just a normal run of the mill transgender person. I played with dolls too, it's just what I was drawn too instead of footballs, baseballs, Hot wheels and so on. Even if I wouldn't have played with Barbies, I would still be trans. So welcome to the club.

BTW I didn't vote because where you are on the spectrum is totally up to you to decide. Maybe seek a gender therapist to help you find yourself.

Thank u so much for replying but they say tansgenders have notable differences in their skeleton as compared to males. I dont seem to have any of them. Except for the crossing and light slender bones. But my brother has them too and he's normal! I'm not afraid to be a transgender, instead I'll pull myself out of the confusion and live accordingly, but if only I could know it exactly as I have sudden male-ish feelings seldom.

Honey, whether its innate within yourself, or the product of your upbringing, you need to ask yourself does it really matter?
Either way you have the same deep seated NEED to be female, that every mtf on this forum feels!
YOU ARE NOT MESSED UP!!
and while some gays may act in a similar way to you, the reality is nearly all of them are comfortable with their maleness in society and their maleness of body.
You need to figure this out, please don't shy away from it though, this sort of thing only gets more unbearable with time
also, there is not necessarily any physical difference between trans* and cis people!
its a brain thing, not a body thing and a person who looks like the biggest burliest man on the planet inside may be the sweetest little girl in the world. Its not about how you look!
Hugs

Quote from: A_Wonder on September 26, 2014, 08:27:49 AM
Thank u so much for replying but they say tansgenders have notable differences in their skeleton as compared to males. I dont seem to have any of them. Except for the crossing and light slender bones.

Please do not get caught up in any of this stuff. Finger digit ratios, etc. are not even junk science and not worthy of even reading about. You are who you are in your heart and soul. Physical measurements and ratio stuff should not impact your decision to pursue this at all. If you feel female, you ARE female. Let the other stuff go right now or you will have a tough go with transition. 

PS- The skeleton of Mtf transgender people are male in makeup anyway. There is no difference at all except for biological male and female. Trans people do not have the opposing sexes skeleton.

let me tell you a little story about a boy, who was adopted by the most loving parents.
this boy had been unlucky enough in his infancy, to have had his genitals mutilated in what should have been just a circumcision.
surgeons debated what to do, and ended up on giving the little boy female genitals instead, as they are easier to make.
and they do say that gender is formed by a child's upbringing, right...?

so the parents were told by doctors and psychologist that this child was so young, that if only they brought him up as a girl, the child would become a girl. the little boy got pink clothes, pretty doll, he was treated like a real girl. because he was so little that social conditioning had not yet given him the slightest chance of knowing what a boy even is. and even his genitals were female now, so he should have no problems with becoming a happy and pretty woman with a little bit of hormone therapy in puberty, as his gonads were lost during the surgery gone wrong.

now you may try to guess why i still call this little boy "he".
when this little boy learned about boys and girls in kindergarten, and their differences, he did a curious thing that no real girl would ever have thought of doing. he drew a picture of himself with a big black penis between his legs, and told his parents and other caretakers, that he was really a boy, but someone had cut off his penis when he was a baby. he did not have any memory of the surgery, but this was the only possible explanation his mind could come up with, for being a boy without a penis.

and no amount of female conditioning after this would help. the boy stayed a boy, and all theories about gender being formed by social conditioning, were falsified by this event. only problem is, that nobody would tell stories like this one to those who study gender as a social construction, and strongly believe in theories like that.
(some details in the story may be wrong, my memory isn't perfect, but it is true nonetheless.)


the point of this story is to tell you that you are you, no matter what.
if you are a girl, then there is nothing your family could have done to make you into a man, and them allowing you to play with dolls only contributed to you having a happier childhood than you would have had if they told you that boys can't play with dolls, and then tossed them all out to demonstrate their point.

so if you ever find out that you really are a girl, or that you're just gay (but you really sound a lot like a girl), please thank your parents for having let you be yourself, and tell them that you turning out the way you did was never their fault, but you had a much happier childhood than many members on this forum ever were allowed by their own families.

QuoteTrans people do not have the opposing sexes skeleton.

If only, sigh
life would be so much easier

Quote from: A_Wonder on September 26, 2014, 08:27:49 AM
Thank u so much for replying but they say tansgenders have notable differences in their skeleton as compared to males. I dont seem to have any of them. Except for the crossing and light slender bones. But my brother has them too and he's normal! I'm not afraid to be a transgender, instead I'll pull myself out of the confusion and live accordingly, but if only I could know it exactly as I have sudden male-ish feelings seldom.

I just have to second what everyone else said, don't get caught up in this or that as an indication. Everyone's bodies are different, genetics plays the biggest role is shape and size. Just look around next time you are out and about and you will see women with small hips, women with humongous hips, guys that have female shaped hips, guys that don't have any noticeable butt and a few girls that have flat butts. You'll see guys that look facially feminine and girls that look facially masculine. Just pay attention to people but don't stare, just be aware of just how different people are from one another. But just a few things that I notice because I am always comparing myself to others just to see how I fit in with stereotypical male or female stuff.

Quote from: Taka on September 26, 2014, 08:37:11 AM

so if you ever find out that you really are a girl, or that you're just gay (but you really sound a lot like a girl), please thank your parents for having let you be yourself, and tell them that you turning out the way you did was never their fault, but you had a much happier childhood than many members on this forum ever were allowed by their own families.

Yes, exactly. I should be very thankful to them for letting me be me! And you know when I read "but you really sound a lot like girl", I spranged up and got slight happiness. Thank you so much for the story, that helped a lot. I wouldn't get myself into confusion now as now I know that I've been blessed.

I thank others too! I have no sisters, but the way you all responded just made me feel that yes I do have them! :') *Hugs*

And I want to share my last night's experience, I woke up suddenly in the middle of the night and found myself extremely aroused! That was very different. It wasn't the penis that was playing dirty. It was all of my body! And I just kept on turning my head here n there, moaning slightly and rubbing my legs unto each other. Everything felt different. And when I unconsciously touched my chest. Woo girl! Whatever it was, it was just burrrniing. Lol. (Sorry if this is not appropriate, but I can't help sharing.)

Quote from: Jo-is-amazing on September 26, 2014, 08:46:30 AM
If only, sigh
life would be so much easier

Exactly
I so want a large pelvis and wide butt!

Quote from: A_Wonder on September 27, 2014, 01:25:37 AM
Exactly
I so want a large pelvis and wide butt!

Well, I can tell you that will not change, but HRT can give you a really cute tushy!  It has many other effects which will help so much. Here is me before HRT and my avatar is only 9 months on HRT. See a difference? 

Whoa jess, I've never seen your before shots before!
What a wonderful, dramatic,  beautiful change to suit a wonderful, dramatic, beautiful person

Quote from: Jo-is-amazing on September 27, 2014, 01:42:52 AM
Whoa jess, I've never seen your before shots before!
What a wonderful, dramatic,  beautiful change to suit a wonderful, dramatic, beautiful person

Thanks Jo! It is all about belief in yourself and confidence, nothing else. I still have the body of a 49 year old Firefighter/Paramedic, but people do not give me grief because my confidence does not give them an opening to. My attitude says I am me you are you end of story. Either that or they are afraid I will break them in two over my knee! 

But you don't have the body of a 49 yr old firefighter!
Well I guess you do, seeing as that was your job :p
But you shouldn't say things like that!
Your body is your body and because of that, regardless of how it looks it is a woman's body, because you're inside it!

Quote from: Jo-is-amazing on September 27, 2014, 01:59:23 AM
Your body is your body and because of that, regardless of how it looks it is a woman's body, because you're inside it!

Oh I agree totally! Funny how I went from Alpha Dog to femme girl almost overnight. I just had to set her free and she did the work! I am very happy now and every day is sunshine. The funniest thing is one day one of the guys who did not know hit on me at the grocery store. The guys at the station will NEVER let him live that down!! 

Quote from: Taka on September 26, 2014, 08:37:11 AM
let me tell you a little story about a boy, who was adopted by the most loving parents.
this boy had been unlucky enough in his infancy, to have had his genitals mutilated in what should have been just a circumcision.
surgeons debated what to do, and ended up on giving the little boy female genitals instead, as they are easier to make.
and they do say that gender is formed by a child's upbringing, right...?

That would be David Reimer, and it didn't have a happy ending

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Reimer

I came to a realization a while ago. I don't care of I'm transgender or not. I can't stand fighting it anymore, and I'd rather transition than suffer this way, even if I'm not transgender. Life's not an experiment where you can go though it and say, that didn't work so lets try it again a different way.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 27, 2014, 01:30:11 AM
Well, I can tell you that will not change, but HRT can give you a really cute tushy!  It has many other effects which will help so much. Here is me before HRT and my avatar is only 9 months on HRT. See a difference? 

Wow! The difference is so clear! You're no doubt beautiful now and wh knew there was such a nice women entrapped in the body of a tough firefighter. I respect and appreciate you're courage to let yourself out. Gives me courage actually.

You people are far lucky. At least you guys dont face much social barriers like I do. I'm MADE to live like a man. And somehow I've started learning it. But one thing's for sure. I can't change my core.

Honey, social stigma for trans* people is everywhere. When those of us that have made the decision to transition, we did so in full acceptance of the difficulties our position creates for us. Being trans* is encountering one social barrier after another. its not an easy road and none of us here would wish this on our worst enemies.

Quote from: A_Wonder on September 27, 2014, 04:42:06 AM
I'm MADE to live like a man.

They can only make you if you comply! You do not have to fit what society deems "normal" if it doesn't fit you. You think my former career was not Alpha male driven? Do you honestly think I did not take any garbage at the beginning of transition? We all carry burdens, but we persevered. Now the question is are you going to let people tell you how to be or are you going to fight for your right to live as you want? 

My GAWD Jessica! I think you gotta' be trying to pull something on us and trying to pass your brother off as a before pic of yourself. There is no way that can be you. But seriously though totally different and in no way do you look like the same person.