I haven't been sleeping well between stress at work (major store remodel + lots of upper managment buzzing around stroking their egos & rooster strutting), and the preoccupation with learning more about being transgender and where my path might go. Yesterday and most of today were very fugue fueled.. lots of back and forth thoughts between " i " ( ♂ male side) and " I " ( ♀ female side), with lots of debate over what classes to take in Winter semester (trying to figure out a career I will like + be decent at, that pays decent enough. ♀I likes the idea of an office job where I can wear cute outfits)
I/i like to sit in my car and read on breaks/lunches. Today I was reading "Letters For My Sisters." When part of a letter got me choked up.
I wanted to cry then, but couldn't let myself. I didn't want to have to dance around why I had been crying if a co-worker asked. I'm trying to not tip my hand to anyone else outside of the two friends/co-workers that helped me through the initial turmoil.
from my journal I started keeping,
140927: 1146hrs
I was reading in the car, started choking up.. "i" hated to cry, made him feel weak.. I want to cry, I want to feel everything.. it makes me feel strong.
140927: 1205hrs
Holding back tears, joy? sad? Cracking jokes w/ co-workers, feels so.. fake. I just want to break down and scream "I'm not ******!"
When I got home I re-read the part that got to me, and let loose.
Pg 70: "Just...just hear me out. Just for a few seconds more. In fact, just for three more words. You make it."
I cried for at least 10min or more. Even typing those words is choking me up. I felt, I feel so much better now. Moments like this make me question how could there still be a voice in the back of my headspace trying to convince me I'm nuts and I'm imagining all thats going on.
