I need some suggestions or advice everyone. 

I should be happy, but.....something is missing. I mean I am having a great transition, live free everyday now and feel right for the first time in my life. I pass and have been fully accepted by those around me, but there is just something at the fringe of my understanding which alludes me and denies total happiness. I am at a loss to describe it only that there is something missing from the picture. I don't know if it is the 9 month HRT blues or what, but it is real and as hard as I think about and consider it, I can't figure it out. I feel 99.0% complete with my life and should not be in this frame of mind at all. What is this 1.0% that is taunting me? Even with all the things I am dealing with in my life now it has been bearable and they have been put into the proper perspective since transition. I know I am worried about SRS with the Government and Surgeons waffling on how to implement the latest changes, but even that is not causing this feeling of incompleteness.  There is just something in my soul thirsting, something very vague yet real. It is quite like the feeling I had before beginning transition when I knew I was supposed to be female and it drives me all day now. Any ideas or am I just loony or nuts? Will I ever find it or will it be revealed? Any advice at all? 

The feeling may come and go, I hope it goes soon hun.
If you feel a void, something not right (in general) fill your time doing something you love, maybe that 1% is not feeling like you're doing anything productive or just fun. Transitioning is stressful as hell, you might need a break.
I suggest music, drawing, writing or anything else that can make you forget SRS or other worries.
If it's something that doesn't go away I'd speak with your therapist or endo, sometimes the slightly wrong dose can mess up your head
*hugs*
I really hope you feel better soon, just relax and take care of yourself. If you ever need anything PM me or come see me in chat, I've always got time and I care.

-Matt 

Girl, you need'a pick up a guitar, or a bass, or sit down at some drums, and play your heart out. Or if you aren't a musician, do whatever it is that gives your life meaning. Create something. Write a story -- it doesn't even have to be a good one. Write a crappy story, then write one a little better. Draw a picture. Draw a crappy one. Draw a better one. Tell yourself that you love yourself, and tell yourself this a hundred times. Write it a hundred times. I'm dealing with depression, too, and these are some of the things that help me.

<3

I don't think it's possible to be 100% happy for more than a few moments, most of us will always feel like something is missing or we can do something better no matter how great things are or how well we have done. It's the human condition, but as a consequence we can always get happier and I think that's a good thing because life would be pretty bleak if we knew at some point we had reached the happiest point in our life and everything after that was downhill.

In the meantime here is something to ponder about happiness:

http://www.youtube.com/attribution_link?a=UguNJZKEMJ8&u=/watch?v%3D4q1dgn_C0AU%26feature%3Dshare

Maybe find some new music you like?  Whenever I am really down, I try to find a new artist or album that I really like. 

That 1% is you waiting for that other shoe to drop, don't worry Jessica it won't.

You said it best yourself Jessica, you are having a great transition. You are able to live free everyday now and feel right for the first time in your life. You have passed and been fully accepted by those around you. Good things do happen to good people and you are one of the best. The hard part is learning to accept, it let go and enjoy the ride without worrying about why it happening

***TRIGGER WARNING***

Sometimes I feel that way as well. 

Some days I feel frazzled by transition fatigue, and sometimes I look in the mirror and still see all of the unwanted traces of "him".

On other days, unhappiness has zero to do with me being MTF.  I am seeing a different therapist now because of PTSD, phobias and grief. 

***YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, READ NO FURTHER IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE TRIGGERED BY MY PERSONAL HELL***

I had basically a horrible childhood, took way too much abuse by pretty much everyone but my mother, was in a near plane crash, a nasty car wreck, had a good friend essentially die in my arms, got blamed for his death and had people threaten to kill me over it.  Then there was the time I had dental work with no anasthesia, and all those months where I was aware that I might be terminally ill.  I have also lost a lot of people in recent months.

Now that I've faced ill health, recovery, and the fact I'm transgender, the other issues were (big surprise) still there for me to deal with: Fear of flying, fear of doctors and dentists, reliving the worst moments of my life over and over, missing all of my dead friends and trying not to blame myself.

The fact that I am still here tells me that I am stronger than my demons.  I know I am very resilient and quite the fighter, so I am taking the demons out one at a time.  Identifying the next demon that needs to go is the trick, which unfortunately requires some painful soul searching.  Jessica, I wish I could help more, but I think introspection and therapy are where you need to go next.

Our demons don't stand a chance.

Thanks. Therapy is going very good and no major issue's have been uncovered. I still deal with the career horrors, but things are fine otherwise. Maybe it is waiting for the shoe to drop? It is also possible since I have never been this happy it scares the poopie out of me. It just feels like something vital is just not there. Hmmm 

I guess I will go back to breaking down the walls. 

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 29, 2014, 06:41:09 PM
Thanks. Therapy is going very good and no major issue's have been uncovered. I still deal with the career horrors, but things are fine otherwise. Maybe it is waiting for the shoe to drop? It is also possible since I have never been this happy it scares the poopie out of me. It just feels like something vital is just not there. Hmmm 

I guess I will go back to breaking down the walls. 

Hopefully it's just "Why am I so freakin' happy all the time?  What is wrong with me?"  I'm still getting used to happiness myself.

Quote from: Jill F on September 29, 2014, 06:45:16 PM
Hopefully it's just "Why am I so freakin' happy all the time?  What is wrong with me?"  I'm still getting used to happiness myself.

Is it actually possible to miss depression?  That would be so not cool!

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on September 29, 2014, 06:47:27 PM
Is it actually possible to miss depression?  That would be so not cool!

Happens to me with anxiety bs all the time, unfort. I mean, it's not that I miss it, it's just... Well. Like it was this constant (albeit crappy) part of me; when it's gone, I feel a little unsettled and off-kilter, like my foundation's been pulled out from under me, and when it comes back, it's almost comforting in a "hello darkness, my old friend" sort of a way.

I think the trick is to internalize an understand of yourself as a happy, healthy person. Easier said than done, I know.

  I agree with Jill, therapy and introspection.

Perhaps it is from a reduction of dysphoria.

Such awesome replies.!

I just had a thought, that perhaps now that your physical journey is getting complete, that maybe you should consider the spiritual part of your journey, maybe that might complete that one thing missing.?

Just a thought.
Hugs

Like others have suggested I don't think that anyone can ever be 100% happy, but that's not a bad thing. Just like the grain of sand in an oyster can ultimately create the most beautiful oyster sometimes it is the irritations of life that motivate us to take the challenges we need to be a better more fulfilled person.

what lacks is probably a deep spiritual realization that life can be this great, and it can last forever.

unfortunately, unhappiness really is something you can miss. it might have been that one thing which was always true an stabile in your life. now that it's gone, what do you lean on to know that this all isn't just a dream?

a sad statistical fact says that girls who have grown up with a father who was abusive towards their motherand often to the daughter too, will often try to form relationships with abusive men. and if she is lucky enough to find someone who is just perfect, makes her happier than ever, a feeling of unease, something not being right, will often make her break up with that perfect guy. because the constant abuse seems to have been internalized in her as proof of true love. and even if her mind understands how wrong that is, her feeling will have a hard time catching up to that fact.

if unhappiness was that one final proof of being alive, wouldn't happiness mean that you aren't living at all?
try asking your soul some questions about lingering misunderstandings about the possibilities of happiness in your life.

Well, this is just my opinion but as humans we will always feel something is missing. That is what drives us. To search for that one missing piece of the puzzle to make us complete. Without it we would probably go stale and stop all movement forward or growth. Think of it like a psychological carrot on a stick. You'll probably never catch up to it and if you do, then something else will take it's place. Just human nature or we would probably all be living in caves still.

But like others have said, I really don't think it is possible for a human to be 100% happy. If it was natural for humans and if humans were 100% happy we would not be where we are today.

Dysphoria does this amazing job of masking the source of a lot of other stuff, you will probably be aware that you suffer from anxiety or depression, but it's very easy to blame it all on the dysphoria. Transition can often be seen as a panacea but it's not. What you could be doing is working through your transition and dealing with the dysphoria and becoming aware of other underlying causes for things.

Jessica, I don't know if you're feeling the same sort of thing I am, but for quite a while I had a sense that there was something missing. That there was some level of femininity that I was reaching for but could not yet grasp.

The feeling hasn't gone away. I've gotten used to it and accepted it. That I may never feel that my womanhood is "whole", even though I only have a vague idea of what that means.

I've heard of many other trans women say the same. That they are having trouble accepting themselves as a woman. That they feel like something more needs to be done but they can't figure out what's missing.

Hugs, dear. You are every bit the woman you need to be.

Quote from: suzifrommd on September 30, 2014, 07:46:50 AM
That they feel like something more needs to be done but they can't figure out what's missing.

Hugs, dear. You are every bit the woman you need to be.

The difference between 'doing' and 'being' is huge.  To me, Jessica is a true inspiration to me of what a trans gender individual can 'do' to change life for the better, much better!

We can 'do' many things with our transition and well beyond, however trying to 'be' is often the result of 'doing'.  Just 'being', sitting in silence, allowing ourselves to be in the moment, without planning the next step, worrying about failed steps in the past, and simply 'be' is one of the most difficult things to do in life.

It is interesting, and terrible, to read this. Jessica, you are one of very few to know the past that I carry - like Marley's ghost drags his chains.

It never goes away, as Jill F says; as you know.

While gender diversity is normal and not a mental condition, the co-morbidities so many of us carry can need some quite intensive psychotherapy. No matter how unpopular that opinion may be.

I am now a days, happy and content, looking forward to my surgery and a very functional woman in society, but I still carry my past. As I suspect you carry yours.

I do believe that once our dysphoria has been overcome that our other issues can resurface. They now have room to attack us and we have to face them. I do think this is where a therapist who is far more than a gender therapist can help.

I still hear my chain, I still feel my collar, but I no longer awake screaming at night.

It was harder to face and deal my past than it was to face my gender dysphoria, but I do think that my easy and ready acceptance of my femininity, my strength, my desire to live, comes from facing my horror. But there is no way that I could have done that without some serious help.

Maybe it is time to seek that help.

Hugs and Love

Cindy