I've been going over it time and time again but I never felt much from it. I've watched from the shadiws , learning, observing, listening and waiting just for the right moment. I just don't think I can take this empty feeling, as if I was a hollowed out trunk. this gnawing aching feeling in my stomach, this intensity worse than being burning by scolding water. I can't stop the pain from tearing me apart very slowly, leaving me crawling and begging for death. its like....idk, its enough that it leaves me, someone who doesn't show much emotion and someone with thick skin bowing down like some pentiten one. I just cant take it anymore. I can't live with the regret anymore. its twisting me so much that my whole persona has changed. I'm becoming easily agitated, I can hardly eat anymore, I barely sleep and my immune system has become compromised and I'm becoming more susceptible to sickness. yea I know but its possible. i .....just don't know anymore. I talk and I talk but talking isn't getting me anywhere and I just don't think I can hold on much longing. i'm going to talk to my mother and my therapist in the afternoon today. this same incident happened a few years ago and I almost succeeded and ending my life. please don't tell me to go to the hospital becuz I am done with the talking. if I talk, I will only get worse from how far my personality has changed. I can't deal with the crying myself to sleep at night, I can't deal with the hollowness I feel. I just want to feel what its like to feel the heat on my skin whenever I'm in the sun instead of feeling cold, literally and metaphorically

So what decision are you going to make, Brianna? What are you going to tell your therapist and mother?

yay, let's make some decisions!

wait a sec... what are we deciding about?

i'm going to change gps and hope the new one is someone i can convince to start m2me treatment outside the system.
but that decision's already been made.
coming out to the girl i like will happen next week, already made that decision too.
hmh, i don't have any more decisions to make right now...

but what decisions are you going to make?

Please try and hold on Brianna.
I know it feels like talking isn't getting you anywhere, or helping you feel better,
but it's worse not talking and feeling alone.
Theres ways to help you sleep better, and eat more, and you'll have much more energy and be able to step
out of that dark place you describe. Death is just not the answer, no matter how bleak things look and feel.

Please keep the dialog going, ya know, theres a whole bunch of people here that really care about you,
and will do almost anything to help you feel better.

Just please don't give up, it will get better, so many others are witness to that, it's not just a line,
it really is true.
With love.

Brianna,

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Please remember that. I, too and many others I'm sure, have been in a similar situation. The throes of depression, PMDD and suicidal tendencies... I have once walked down that path of darkness, my own demon gently holding my hand and seducing me with whispers that I would be better off dead, that the pain would go away if I took my life. According to the demon, I had no future to continue living this way.

You were happy once, you expressed your excitement (and fears) when you were reaching your HRT appointment. This darkness shall not follow you for the rest of you life. If you dwell and linger within it like people linger within the past rather than the present, then yes, your darkness shall follow you to the ends of the Earth.

Your darkness is not the enemy, it can be a useful tool to see things from a different perspective. You can turn the enemy into a life-long friend.

My darkness reminds me of the time where I was so depressed, getting out of bed every morning was difficult. I would lay at night and cry myself to sleep because I was drifting through the motions everyday, numb and distant to others. The darkness is now my friend, I may argue with them, feel their tethers gently brushing my shoulders and their occasional whispers, it does not hold the power over me it did those many years ago.

All we can do is offer support, advice and lend a shoulder for you to cry on through this difficult time. While things may look bleak now, this moment shall pass.

The rest is up to you and the help of your therapist. You say you are done with talking but here you are, speaking on forums of your troubles. I feel you have much more to say but cannot for some reason. You have not specified what is causing the depression, be it struggling identity-wise and/or suppressing your true self, only you know your truth deep within you. A therapist can help with both of those things and many more. 

Suffering in silence is not the answer. I will not allow the community to lose another individual to become another number, another statistic.

You are loved and supported. You are not alone. You are never alone in this world, dear.

I have decision to make as well and am currently grappling with, such as how to come out to the wonderful family here at Susan's.

As others have echoed, what decision will you be making?

Kind regards and hugs,

Jacey 

Hi Brianna,

Long time no chat, you write well and in riddles.  So what is this one?  Death?  Death of what?  All of life is a series of transformations, of letting go of one thing and picking up something else.  You are smart, often articulate, and you already know these things.  Darkness is your theme, but you seek the warmth of the sun.  That is something to talk to your shrink about.  Sunshine to me is healing, both mentally and physically.  It is symbolic of safety, opportunity, and growth.

You've been watching and learning for some time now.  I would like to learn from you.  What secrets do you keep in that gothic brain of yours?  What insights can you share?  If you want to learn, then teach. If you want to be healed, be a healer.  You have something unique to offer, the decision to offer what you have and know is the one I hope that you choose.

Peace,
Julie

Quote from: JulieBlair on October 04, 2014, 06:50:22 AM
What insights can you share?  If you want to learn, then teach. If you want to be healed, be a healer.  You have something unique to offer, the decision to offer what you have and know is the one I hope that you choose.