So, after much talking with my parents, I finally get a therapist. Yay.

...Well, not really.

See, when I go to talk to her, I start to clam up and not feel like talking to her after 5 of the 45 minutes we have to talk has passed. It's...kind of weird. I feel like it's because I just feel like I won't get anywhere with my therapist. I just want the diagnosis that I have gender dysphoria so that my parents can stop bloody pretending that this is all just a stupid phase I'm going through. I know I've only had about 3 appointments so far, but the feeling that this is going nowhere is so strong.

The first appointment was just "trying to understand me" kind of thing. She asked, "Why do you think you're a girl? Like, how do you know you're not gay or something?" "Well, I just...kind of know. Like how any other person knows their gender." I say. (Yes, that's very vague, but honestly that was the best I could come up with.) She replies, "Well, why don't you try telling me some things that you think men do compared to what women do?"
I never liked the whole "girls mainly do XXX while boys mainly do YYY" kind of thing, so I said, "That doesn't really exist to me. I think everyone should be free to do what they want, and their actions shouldn't determine their gender." Despite this, she insisted I list something. So...I said that men stereotypically like sports and are more aggressive, while women like arts and crafts and are more passive. Something like that.

Then, she asks me, "So, are men who like arts and crafts and are passive women?"
"Of course not," I say.
"Are women who like sports and are more aggressive men?"
"No," I say.
"You know what that means? That people don't fit into boxes, and their actions shouldn't determine their gender."

Yeah, that makes sense, ri-
...
um...
Didn't I say that, like, 30 minutes ago? Like, what was the point of this line of questioning?

Now, this is just a hunch, but I feel as though my clamming up might be because of this. In the very least, it's affecting me at a subconscious level; hence why the two appointments after the first appointment mostly consisted of me not saying anything beside "I don't know" because I don't feel like answering any of her questions.

Also, I feel as though that's all she does - ask questions...after question...after questions. She's like, "If you don't cooperate, things aren't going to progress." Maybe it's just me, but pestering me about whether I have friends at school or not doesn't feel like very much progress to me.
It doesn't help that my parents STILL refuse to see me as who I am. Even today. I got a haircut (it was more like shaping my hair so it doesn't bulge out so much because of how much it grew) while still keeping my hair length. My mom tells me, "I think your hair looks good, but I really do think it's pretty long."
"But Mom, I'm going to grow it out longer," I say.
"Wait, how long? Past your shoulders? No MAN grows out their hair that long. At least, not nice-looking ones. Mommy wouldn't like it if you grew out your hair longer."
"Um, Mom...you said I could grow out my hair."
"Yeah, but not like A GIRL! Geez..."

Surprisingly, despite my mom's opinion about it, my dad doesn't mind me growing my hair out. However, both still think I'm a guy. Like, come on. I just feel like they're just waiting out for the day I say, "Mom, being trans is stupid because I'm a guy," or something crazy like that.

I even overheard my brother asking my mom about if she and my dad are "really going along with this stupid make-believe sh*t". I remember her saying, "Oh, of course not. I'm just hoping HE grows out of it. I know he will. He's my child, after all."

So...was that whole speech you made to my therapist (before my first appointment) about how he supports what I'm doing is absolute nonsense? Sigh...

...and I got slightly off topic. Sorry about that. I'm just...really mad. I still don't care about anything. I feel like crap everyday. I don't even know why I do anything. I randomly get angry and agitated, sometimes for absolutely no reason. I wish this was all just a really long nightmare that I might wake up out of someday. Of course that's not going to happen, but at this point I feel...hopeless.

Sigh...

You just need to be honest in you feelings.

Just say what you feel inside.

Your therapists is trying to see if you are feeling honest feelings or just trying to tell them what they wish to hear.

Honest and true feeling is when you get a therapist to respect your feelings.

You know just keep telling everyone.

Its not a phase, it is not bull, it is a living ell till accepted.

I understand it can be hard to talk about how you feel to a stranger who has the balance of power in the relationship. Just like there is no "test" to prove or disprove someone is trans she can't "certify" you as trans with just one visit. Maybe it's because I'm manipulative but I've always tried to get on the good side of my therapists. I will talk readily about how I feel, but at the same time I'll avoid talking about fantasy scenarios ("I'd be happier living as a woman") because those statements usually result in them trying to drill down into the emotional meaning of it.

She actually gave you a good counter point, I don't know if you took her up on it. She pointed out that people don't fit into gender boxes - my response would have been that men can't wear dresses, can't be called "she" or "miss" and aren't expected to use makeup or grow their hair long, etc. I presume these are all aspects of your dysphoria.

My general advice with shrinks though is not to reason with them, just talk about your feelings. If asked "why do you feel that way?" don't offer up simply "because I do" or some fantasy scenario, tell her experiences you've had where you've felt dysphoria or gender confusion. That's probably what she's really looking for. As Izzy say, be honest.

Good luck!

I'm 25 and guess what, when I went to my first GT appointment I got asked the same questions. I started therapy in August and after my 3rd session I had my diagnosis and I'll be getting my letter for HRT in less than 3 weeks. If you are a minor the process may be a little longer. Also, if you are a minor do not post your age. The questions may seem dumb or stupid or annoying, but the answers you provide are vital. Forget what your parents think and focus on yourself, your transition and your future. Answer the questions honestly and you will see progress. Becoming proactive in your own transition is key. Good luck!

honesty

My therapist did the same thing when I first talked to him about being transgender (he's not a specialist, I was just seeing him at the time, and am still). And it bothered me to no end, it was an appointment of turning in circles and made me really frustrated. Next appointment I didn't really talk to him but the appointment after that I decided to just tell him. I told him I was upset about those question, I told him I felt he was trying to prove to me I wasn't trans and I poured out how I felt concerning being a man not a girl. We didn't talk about genderroles but how I felt like my body just felt wrong, about the sadness and the pain that kept coming back, about trying to solve it but nothing worked....

Your therapists is there to help you, if she upsets you or makes you feel like it's useless to be there. Tell her! If that doesn't seem to help you can still change or stop going. But it won't hurt you to tell her how you feel. Therapy requires both sides to work for it or it doesn't work. I have found it hard to be open to therapists before and I do understand but generally a therapists is there to help you.

I hope it gets better for you.

I figured since I was paying the therapist by the hour I wasn't going to make here drag the info out. I went in with about 5 pages already typed out and asked her to read it before we went any further. I didn't hold back and told her anything that I thought would be useful. I even put in some rather cringe worthy things that I didn't feel comfortable with but I was later very glad that I had done so.

Is trying a new therapist an option?

Unless you really are resisting (only you know this), it may be that this isn't the right therapist for you. A good half the therapists I've seen have been wrong for me and I noticed it from the beginning. Accusing you of not cooperating when you think you are would, to me, be a major red flag.

Of course, if she's the only gender therapist for 100 miles, you'd have to stick with her, but if there's a choice, couldn't hurt to try someone else and see if you have better rapport.

If this person isn't a gender therapist who has experience with TG people it will be a rough ride. Most therapist may have taken a class that may have covered gender dysphoria and if they were awake they may have learned something. A very little something. Maybe something beyond what the word meant to pass a test. If they aren't experienced then, often times, we become the teachers. Not a good position.

One thing for sure any therapist should be able to spot right away is a client that comes in with a firm self diagnosis. Which, in effect, says to them I don't really need you, but I do a little. If they just rubber stamp your self diagnosis, pass you along in the system for step 2, and later on you off yourself, records get checked, notes say unflattering things about the therapist's work habits.... Guess whose ass is now on the line?

Their job is to help you sort out your feelings. No one fits neatly into little slots. More often an amalgam kneaded into a person with internal conflicts.  An untrained, inexperienced therapist has like no knowledge base to draw from. A well trained, experienced one has some, and can offer you tools and other points of view to look at your particular situation. Most importantly, how to deal with it. HRT is not a magic pill that will turn your life around. In fact, the road to transitioning to full-time, plus living and dealing with a hostile world as a trans person is... stressful.  Still, unless they are TG, it is pretty near impossible to really get.

I agree with posters who have said that it might help to talk to someone with more experience in gender identity in particular. Especially if you are under 18, a lot of therapists are fearful/skittish about aligning with your sense of your gender. I think the likelihood of this can be greatly reduced if you see someone who has worked with a good number of trans clients. I don't know where you live, but in many urban areas, there are lgbt centers that have therapistss with that kind of expertise.
I really feel for you. It's exhausting to feel like you have to defend your identity, especially in therapy. I was once reduced to tears of frustration talking to a therapist who knew only a little bit about gender and transfolks.  Good luck, hang in there.

Hi Lavini

It is possible that you and this particular therapist simply do not "click".  I believe it's vital to have some chemistry with your therapist, and that you feel a degree of complicity with the person.  Don't be scared to try find another one - it's a very intimate relationship, so you need to feel comfortable with the person.  It took me 3 attempts.

As for the questions like whether you have friends at school, well, these are good questions to try draw a picture of you and whether you feel socially integrated or isolated.  Socially integrated people have an easier time of the transgender journey.

Here's a hard truth for you:  you're at an age where you need people to give you a helping hand.  It's crappy, but they hold the balance of power.  Worse than this, even when you're older, psychologists and endocrinologists will still hold the power. 

By all means feel angry with the world from time to time, and you can use Susan's to vent.  But if you want to move forward, it's gonna be a whole lot easier if you smile, are friendly, positive and cooperate patiently with people who are genuinely trying to assist, either in a professional or personal capacity.

Yeah, your family don't appear to be helping much, but take some steps back, put yourself in their shoes and ask yourself what they are probably seeing.  Is it a kid who's asking for help and understanding, or an aggressive one demanding acceptance?  And if you want them to believe that this is not any "stupid make-believe sh*t" - your words - then you need to be open and honest with your therapist, honey - she's your ticket to the things you really want

Transitioning isn't just a process for us. Everyone around us transitions too and it's just as difficult for them as it is for you wanting to be the person that you are. Especially when family is concerned. They have hopes, dreams & wishes for you and now you are throwing a wrench into all of that. They need time to process this and begin working on their issues too. In most cases it's fear that drives them to not wanting you to change. It could be safety concerns they have for you and how they will be looked at by society for letting you transition. Give them time because right now you are actually in a very good position with them as they haven't kicked you out and told you to never come back. They are at least trying and that's something to cherish and be thankful for. It took me quite some time to realize this myself when I first started transitioning, I wanted 100% acceptance right NOW and didn't talk much about my past and why I felt the way I did. They simply didn't understand and as a then 29 year old 100% independent adult they could only see me being transgender as a phase or that someone was pushing me to think or act this way or I read something on the internet. Talking about how you feel on the inside is very hard, especially when great pain is involved in telling your stories and why you feel the way you do. But convincing others that you know who you are and how you feel will allow them to see that yeah this is real and not some phase. 

The reason why the therapist asks you about your friends that you have is because having a support network of friends, family & allies that support you during the tough times of transition are VERY important to have. If you don't have any friends and are a loner, dealing with a "hostile" family and just don't have anyone who supports you being you then you can very easily spin out of control when bad things happen. When I first started I had friends but I DIDN'T have friends that knew about the real me. That was a red flag for my therapist, transitioning at that point and starting HRT was out of the question until I could gain a few people in my corner who would be there for me when I needed it. She was right, I needed them for help and support more than a few times very early on once I started HRT.

Therapist's will ask the same question over and over but in different ways to see if you answer the same ways each time. There's a science behind that methodology. It's up to you to open up about yourself. Even if you get angry or the conversation seems to be in a loop you need to talk and state your feelings. My therapist is pro LGBT and even so she gave me a very hard time and made me explain myself and go through all of the stuff I'd love to never have talked about again.

I dunno.

My first therapist (at least in this round of therapy) and the one person I went to for gender therapy did the same lines of questioning as in the OP, and it really did come across to me like I had to prove to their satisfaction that I really was what I felt like I was.  In my case, I didn't come in saying "I feel like I'm a girl," as I'm still very much up in the air about everything.  (Duh.  That's why I was going to them.)  In both cases I left because I could see it wasn't getting anywhere and I was spending too much energy just recovering from my sessions.

For me, at least, step zero of the theraputic relationship is that I have to have the feeling that I can trust the therapist to be on my side.  Insisting I should be able to present evidence to justify my feelings is just too invalidating.  It's like going to an orthopedist and having him twist your limbs so it hurts and it takes days before you have full use of the limbs again.

Quote from: Megumi on October 05, 2014, 12:41:51 PM
Transitioning isn't just a process for us. Everyone around us transitions too and it's just as difficult for them as it is for you wanting to be the person that you are. Especially when family is concerned. They have hopes, dreams & wishes for you and now you are throwing a wrench into all of that.

Absolutely spot on observation Megumi! 

Some months ago I tried an interesting thought experiment - I imagined myself to be my parents or my sister, having to experience how their son/brother declared herself a girl with the intention to perform a full transition.  That's an extremely stressful thing for most family members to go through.  Basically you're dragging them on an involuntary journey where they have no control of the destinations or the timing.  I know that we transgender people are being pulled to correct something that we feel is very wrong, but we also need to be sensitive to how the people closest to us are feeling.  Giving them time, and sometimes space, is very important.

Quote from: Julia-Madrid on October 05, 2014, 06:08:09 PM
Absolutely spot on observation Megumi! 

Some months ago I tried an interesting thought experiment - I imagined myself to be my parents or my sister, having to experience how their son/brother declared herself a girl with the intention to perform a full transition.  That's an extremely stressful thing for most family members to go through.  Basically you're dragging them on an involuntary journey where they have no control of the destinations or the timing.  I know that we transgender people are being pulled to correct something that we feel is very wrong, but we also need to be sensitive to how the people closest to us are feeling.  Giving them time, and sometimes space, is very important.

Very true. We also have had the benefit of much introspection before we tell those around us. We have dwelled on and studied the issue for a while before we tell others who most likely have never thought twice about anything transgender. It's a lot for US to get our heads around at first so we have to be patient with others while they get up to speed. It's jsut difficult when those around us want to put their heads in the sand over the issue but many of us have done the same thing and tried to ignore it as well.