I turn my back for only a few minutes kids and look what's happened. Can I not take you kids anywhere? 

But seriously though this thread has been so eye opening for me. I mean I'm only recently coming to terms with my true gender and what it means to me. It takes real guts Jacey to bare all as you've done, be so honest, and whether or not the purpose was, to benefit someone such as me so that I am more educated and aware of the true spectrum of gender.

Thank You again Jacey for sharing such an intimate and personal part of you 

The interesting thing for me is that the social fluidity has been quietly merging or blending into the core, and it feels more authentic somehow.  Less splitting going on.

I will have more later I think, and by the way  jayce, let's go shopping, we have similar tastes...

Blessings

Satinjoy

In the journey I find that my perception of gender changes as I assimilate the hormones, the reality of living a nonbinary life, and  the shedding of personal deceptions.  Peer pressure remains a factor, both cis and trans, and the split is of interest.  The core, which was non gender and was watching the gender feeling components, has now quietly opened its heart and internalized the socially fluid components, so that instead of a genderless core, it evolved into a multigendered core, one which remains honest.

why

Dont know except that there is acceptance and healing from hurts and having the guts to allow myself to stand up to social and familial pressure, as I continue to defend "she/he" or better put almost she almost he, they begin to trust that the core will not reject them, and they come to embrace the core and find the rocket fuel of love and spiritual peace.

So there are changes, but the deep hurts of the past have influenced the present gender perceptions and presentations, so the takeaway becomes to feel without fear of the feelings, to embrace authenticity and risk self exposure, to be transparent on the forum, and to listen to the transpeople that love and support me, on forum and off.

The key and the concern is that we need to know our genders so well before the surgical solutions are applied, they need to stabilize with the healing of hurts so that we can reach absolute authenticity within the core, to fully understande it all, and then it becomes safe to mold the diamond of trans.  It is never safe to cut that diamond until we know everything about it, all its weakness and strength, and then, once that is known, the permanent cuts can be made.

Such for me is the experience of triune gender, physical spritual and social.... they all are real, and I feel them integrating, which is probably the healthiest thing possible.  Triune, three in one.

Blessings and Love to all

Satinjoy

Beautifully written, SatinJoy

I used to wear an oversized tshirt when going to bed when being female, I would be told my parents that I look cute. Now when I wear oversized tshirt as a male going to bed, I am told that I look disgusting and need to put on pants right away. I am not wearing certain PJs to look cute or disgusting, I am wearing them because it is comfortable. I do not need to be validated or invalidated for what clothing I am or am not wearing.

Such is the sadness and ignorance that society holds over people. The so-called binary rules or the rules of stereotypes... it doesn't allow people to express themselves in the manner they enjoy doing so, the more people cling to these flimsy rules, the more it hurts the unique individuality of people everywhere.

I get questioned why I like make-up as a male, when I had no interest before as a female. My transition is pulled into question, my gender identity as a male is questioned. I get asked by my mother, "Do you wish you were a girl again?"

You mean, do I wish to go back to those years of depression, being utterly crushed under society, friends and family pressures, being forced to deal with breasts, periods and the repeated sex appeal being thrust onto me, to be stuck in the endless misery of not being a "normal" woman because I held no interest in things like boyfriends, having children, getting married to a man. Do I want to go back to dealing with my female body and premenstrual dysphoric disorder that wrecked havoc on my mental health every three weeks which escalated into suicidal thoughts for several years? Do I want to go back to being the person who struggled to get out of bed in the morning, who drifted through the motions everyday, not enjoying the present moment because I saw no future for myself...?

Never, in a million years, would I ever wish to return to that.

Would I go back to being male either? Hell no. The gender rules/stereotypes are just as bad towards males as they are towards females.

Would I like to go off T someday? Yes, perhaps a low-dose first. I miss the soft features estrogen gave me, the premenstrual dysphoric disorder? I will never miss that!

Would I like to achieve a more feminine appearance and enjoy using make-up? Yes.

Would I like a more gender-neutral voice? Yes, currently working on it!

Would I like my family to cease enforcing ridiculous gender rules and stereotypes on me? God, yes, I wish so much they would stop.

But it is an old-fashioned attitude they hold, even while they tolerate my male identity, they are somewhat supportive but they are hesitant on showing it - I know that every time they see me expressing myself in a feminine manner, that they cling to their misguided hopes that I will give up being a male and go back to being their daughter - even if being their daughter means risking my mental health and committing suicide. I don't think they realize just how insulting it is for them to question the validity of my transition, to question my identity, to question if I regret being a male and wish to be a girl again... as if I would regret a transition, a life that has made me realize I DO have a future and that I would wish to go back to relive the darkest years of my life over again just so they can be content with their "normalcy" of a family.

I am disgusted, I am so tired that I have stopped explaining to my family that just because I enjoy expressing my femininity, it doesn't mean I desire to be female again. I have explained it many times and they still don't understand but they won't accept it either. To them, being feminine is being female, being masculine is being male - despite all the evidence and many individuals in society who bend and break those rules entirely everyday, they aren't having their identity questioned relentlessly. It feels like I'm isolated from those people on the basis of being transgender.

On a final note, yes, we should go shopping, SJ! All the things frilly and laces! 

I've had a friend on another media site that I'v had on my page for a couple of years now, but never really understood they're identity until a few days ago.
It so happens that they are Tri-gender also, something I never knew about until your life story here Jacey.
Well long story short, we started talking about it a little, and they were surprised that I knew as much as I did about they're Identity.?
We connected so much better because you shared your story Jacey, and my understanding and knowledge grew, and have been able to relate with others in a new way I wasn't able to before.

Thank you. 

Quote from: EchelonHunt on October 04, 2014, 10:56:47 AM
Let me start off by saying I'm aware being trigender is not like having multiple personalities and I am in no way treating my gender identities as if they are personalities of their own as they are essentially different aspects of my core identity.

Jacey,

I am much in the same boat as you, with the additional complication I was MAAB and have many decades of testosterone poisoning.  This makes presenting as my female self a rather daunting task with loads of preparation (tons of shaving).  Fully prepared that goes over reasonably well - at least I sort of fade into the background un-noticed.  I have tried to present a bit andro to be my non-binary self and that has been a mixed bag, especially if I drift very far from the male end of the spectrum.  I did try once closer to the female end of andro and had a few rather disturbed reactions.  So, most of the time I am stuck presenting as my male self.

Like you, all of these are me.

My point here is that some degree of "multiplicity" is NORMAL.  My therapist has been introducing me to a therapy model called "Internal Family Systems" developed by Dr. Richard C. Schwartz.  He goes to great lengths to explain that having parts to your internal system is normal and NOT in any way related to Multiple Personality Disorder.  What you describe here fits the IFS model to a Tee, and the way you describe getting the parts to work in harmony is exactly the objective of this type of therapy.  There is nothing pathological here.

How you describe your tri-gender situation is wonderful.  I want to affirm you as much in this as I can; despite my limitations in getting words out that actually come across as I hope they do.

It is beautiful the way you have figured out your real (tri-)gender.  I hope the ride is good from here on!


Erin