I need advice on this one, from anyone that have wisdom to offer, but particularly NB, MTA, and MTF folks.

Background, I have GD, I am non-binary, and I am looking into doing what I need to be a happy whole person.  I am looking for a good GT that knows how to handle non-binary issues, but I really am not confused about anything.  I know I need low dose HRT to shut up the GD, the difference it makes is astounding.  I know some of the physical changes are necessary for my mind and body to be in harmony, I have some already from low dose HRT, and extreme targeted muscle/flexibility exercises to change my contour.  I am starting at permanent beard removal.  More would not be unwelcome, but are not necessary at this point, other than losing some more weight.  Being non-binary the general plan is to try and stay passing-male, though the important people in my life will know my real situation. 

I have a wonderfully supportive wife, and two young kids, and I worry about not letting my issues (And by that, I mean I an not the problem, but there are allot of people who might make their issues my problem or my families problem.)  And am dead serious about being a great parent, and being forewarned and forearmed on any foreseeable BS that might become a problem.


How does one handle having kids and being trans? 

When does one tell them what exactly? 

Do I need to be super worried about school issues or other parents?

Also, people can be horrible, assuming the cat gets out of the bag, or I just read super androgynous and that triggers an ignorant person, how do I prevent other people's  being bigoted at me from harming the kids?  (Boys no less, so there will be sports and manly, man, man-ness to attend to in the future...) 

Again, I am more androgyne at my core than anything, so this might help or make things more complicated.  But assuming the cat eventually escapes the bag, I don't think that the problem people in life will care about the distinction, and it might only make it worse?

Any advice or insight would be appreciated.


- Jaded (Clearly I cannot do anything the easy way) Jade

How does one handle having kids and being trans? 

I don't think it's any different from not being trans. Every kid has issues in their family. Alcoholic relatives, those with mental illness, poverty, unemployment, serious illness. Among all that, being a transgender parent is basically a "meh". Most kids are resilient. Those who aren't can be taught resilience.

When does one tell them what exactly? 

I told mine shortly after I found out. I tried to keep them informed. Don't know how old your kids are, but kids of just about any age can handle the truth. If you need specific wording, I can suggest some once I know ages.

Do I need to be super worried about school issues or other parents?

Wasn't a problem for me. I made my daughter promise that if anyone even looks at her funny, she'd let me know. There have been no problems. And I TEACH in the school she attends.

If you live in a less well-educated community, you might face some issues. Deal with them the same way you would other issues. Involve school authorities, speak with people one-on-one, humanize yourself. Don't tolerate bullying. Demand that it be dealt with. Make sure that your kids know it's not their fault, but also teach them how to deal with it and keep a strong core.

Also, people can be horrible, assuming the cat gets out of the bag, or I just read super androgynous and that triggers an ignorant person, how do I prevent other people's  being bigoted at me from harming the kids?  (Boys no less, so there will be sports and manly, man, man-ness to attend to in the future...) 

You can't protect your kids from harm. Ever. You can't protect them from being injured on the athletic field, from failing tests, from getting their feelings hurt, and from encountering bullies. In that way, you're no different from a cisgender parent, right? You teach them strength of character and resilience and make sure the lines of communication are open.

Again, I am more androgyne at my core than anything, so this might help or make things more complicated.  But assuming the cat eventually escapes the bag, I don't think that the problem people in life will care about the distinction, and it might only make it worse?

You can't control what they do, anymore than anyone else can. Best you can do is prepare your children for the bumps and bruises of life by giving them skills to deal with adversity. Everyone needs those skills, no matter who their parents are.

Remember, you job as a parent is not to protect your kids from all possible harm. Your job is to make sure they survive to adulthood with the skills to deal with whatever life hands them.

Does any of this help?

I need time I want to share and ran this gauntlet.  Used my therapist heavy on family, made good choices, but each kid was different.  It is something that must be delicately handled.

Will try to post Thursday morning on it.

Take your time, get that input before talking or presenting.

Blessings

Satinjoy

Quote from: Jaded Jade on October 20, 2014, 01:35:43 AM
I need advice on this one, from anyone that have wisdom to offer, but particularly NB, MTA, and MTF folks.

Background, I have GD, I am non-binary, and I am looking into doing what I need to be a happy whole person.  I am looking for a good GT that knows how to handle non-binary issues, but I really am not confused about anything.  I know I need low dose HRT to shut up the GD, the difference it makes is astounding.  I know some of the physical changes are necessary for my mind and body to be in harmony, I have some already from low dose HRT, and extreme targeted muscle/flexibility exercises to change my contour.  I am starting at permanent beard removal.  More would not be unwelcome, but are not necessary at this point, other than losing some more weight.  Being non-binary the general plan is to try and stay passing-male, though the important people in my life will know my real situation. 

I have a wonderfully supportive wife, and two young kids, and I worry about not letting my issues (And by that, I mean I an not the problem, but there are allot of people who might make their issues my problem or my families problem.)  And am dead serious about being a great parent, and being forewarned and forearmed on any foreseeable BS that might become a problem.


How does one handle having kids and being trans? 

I have a therapist that helped me with this.  I present to them at the edge of what they can handle, same goes for my wife.  I am transparent to them but at the same time careful that they see the familiar one they were born to, they need that stability in their lives, and each child is different..
When does one tell them what exactly? 

When it matters, age is a factor, when the therapist has talked it over so you understand the whole deal and its consequences, when you are sure, and very carefully.  And their response if like mine was totally unpredictable.
Do I need to be super worried about school issues or other parents?

Depends on how you present and how outed you are.  Super worried?  I would rather say super vigilant.  Because they may not allow their kids to play with yours because of their misunderstanding of what it means that we are trans.  They may see it as being some kind of dangerous deviant or something, we have a long way to go in getting our acceptance levels up socially.
Also, people can be horrible, assuming the cat gets out of the bag, or I just read super androgynous and that triggers an ignorant person, how do I prevent other people's  being bigoted at me from harming the kids?  (Boys no less, so there will be sports and manly, man, man-ness to attend to in the future...) 
I have no answer for this.  Teach your kids values, they are going to have to  be tough, like we are tough.  Its about core values trumping outside foolishness at least with me, yet extended family would drive me right out of my house if they find out.  Evil masking itself as good advice.  One needs to be smart, I hate that we have to but it is our reality in this time.
Again, I am more androgyne at my core than anything, so this might help or make things more complicated.  But assuming the cat eventually escapes the bag, I don't think that the problem people in life will care about the distinction, and it might only make it worse?

Prices to pay no matter what, be clear headed is the key.
Any advice or insight would be appreciated.


- Jaded (Clearly I cannot do anything the easy way) Jade

It also matters what we do with them.  Being with your kids, doing the things they enjoy, showing them stuff (I took my kids frequently to the nascar track), passing on family tradition, core values, being you and letting you rub off and be assimilated by them through being there for them will count for so much more than being an absentee dad disengaged with them and their lives.  It makes a big difference

Satinjoy

Quote from: Jaded Jade on October 20, 2014, 01:35:43 AM
I need advice on this one, from anyone that have wisdom to offer, but particularly NB, MTA, and MTF folks.

Background, I have GD, I am non-binary, and I am looking into doing what I need to be a happy whole person.  I am looking for a good GT that knows how to handle non-binary issues, but I really am not confused about anything.  I know I need low dose HRT to shut up the GD, the difference it makes is astounding.  I know some of the physical changes are necessary for my mind and body to be in harmony, I have some already from low dose HRT, and extreme targeted muscle/flexibility exercises to change my contour.  I am starting at permanent beard removal.  More would not be unwelcome, but are not necessary at this point, other than losing some more weight.  Being non-binary the general plan is to try and stay passing-male, though the important people in my life will know my real situation. 

I have a wonderfully supportive wife, and two young kids, and I worry about not letting my issues (And by that, I mean I an not the problem, but there are allot of people who might make their issues my problem or my families problem.)  And am dead serious about being a great parent, and being forewarned and forearmed on any foreseeable BS that might become a problem.

Yes and IMO it is your own BS and baggage that will be causing the problem.  From what I read it seems you have set a hair trigger and you are ready to pull it at a moments notice, legit or not.  It seems as though you are itching to make a public proclamation about your status.   What I read as an aggressive, cocky  attitude on your part will be the larger part of any problem, perhaps the only part of any problem you have. 

Quote from: Jaded Jade on October 20, 2014, 01:35:43 AM
How does one handle having kids and being trans? 

I guess the same way as the binary parents do.  You love them, you discipline them, guide them, cry over them, love them, discipline them cry over them repeat for your entire lifetime.  It's a pretty simple formula, really.  Its what all parents do, I think.  Not sure because when mine were born, the assembly line forgot to include the operations, training and maintenance  manuals.

Quote from: Jaded Jade on October 20, 2014, 01:35:43 AM
When does one tell them what exactly?

Absolutely nothing until they ask you a question and then be honest, open, sincere and only answer the question.  Don't be volunteering more information than asked for.  This is your issue, not theirs, don't make it theirs.  They may never accept it but whatever the case you never ever stop  loving them, you discipline them, guide them, cry over them, love them, discipline them cry over them repeat for your entire lifetime.  I'm fairly certain on that part.

Quote from: Jaded Jade on October 20, 2014, 01:35:43 AM
Do I need to be super worried about school issues or other parents?

Unless you intend to send you child to school in a neglectful state of care; the short answer is NO.  If your child comes to school clean, in clean clothes, well nourished, rested, emotionally happy, homework complete, prepared for school free of bruised areas that shouldn't be bruised, teachers are just to damn busy to worry about what you're doing with your personal life.  I'm fairly certain that if you love them, you discipline them, guide them, cry over them, love them, discipline them cry over them and repeat for your entire lifetime you'll do okay.

Quote from: Jaded Jade on October 20, 2014, 01:35:43 AM

Also, people can be horrible, assuming the cat gets out of the bag, or I just read super androgynous and that triggers an ignorant person, how do I prevent other people's  being bigoted at me from harming the kids?  (Boys no less, so there will be sports and manly, man, man-ness to attend to in the future...) 

Again, I am more androgyne at my core than anything, so this might help or make things more complicated.  But assuming the cat eventually escapes the bag, I don't think that the problem people in life will care about the distinction, and it might only make it worse?

Any advice or insight would be appreciated.

I hate to burst your bubble but in reality, few if any people will really ever give a damn about you.  You problems are not the most important things in other peoples lives.  In fact their concern for you will be below whale crap which we all know that is at the bottom of the ocean and there isn't anything less important than that.  Now if you decide you want to be a campy trans or non-binary and wave the flag and tell everyone they need to embrace and support your way of life or else you just might find a 5 gallon tank of gas on your porch some morning to help you down the road.   But then again you are neglecting what I think is the most important part of your life - your children and you are not  loving them, you discipline them, guide them, cry over them, love them, discipline them cry over them and repeat for your entire lifetime.  The secret to hiding this or anything is to hide it in plain site.  There's no cat to be left out of the bag then.

Quote from: Jaded Jade on October 20, 2014, 01:35:43 AM
- Jaded (Clearly I cannot do anything the easy way) Jade

Clearly I am in agreement there but your attitude seems like you are not going to make it easy for those that should be the most important to you.  Weigh the needs of your children and weigh yours against theirs.  When you are able to do that honestly, sincerely and truthfully you will see the correct path and choice with unmistakable clarity.  You will find that the answer never excludes  loving them, you discipline them, guide them, cry over them, love them, discipline them cry over them and repeat for your entire lifetime and when it does you will immediately know you have made a very selfish and narrow minded choice. 

Comments so far are helpful, thanks, Suzi and SJ particularly.

Fairview, I think you are misreading my tone entirely.  I am not so spoiling for a fight as you seem to be projecting onto me.  I come from an very technical background so my interest is in potential breaking points and potential points of conflict.  I am in no way looking to pick a fight with the world or be in strangers faces on anything.  But the reality is that information cannot always be contained, and planing for the worst is better than ignoring the possibility of something and being caught unprepared. 

QuoteYes and IMO it is your own BS and baggage that will be causing the problem.  From what I read it seems you have set a hair trigger and you are ready to pull it at a moments notice, legit or not.  It seems as though you are itching to make a public proclamation about your status.   What I read as an aggressive, cocky  attitude on your part will be the larger part of any problem, perhaps the only part of any problem you have. 

No.  I am asking my questions in a directly related forum in a quite corner of the internet.  Not on a billboard or something.  You failed to understand a key phrase, "Being non-binary the general plan is to try and stay passing-male".  In other words, the plan is to avoid standing out or being in anyone's face.  Check yourself.  If my meaning was not clear you need to lurk more before you make your hair-trigger, aggressive, cocky posts at others.

QuoteI hate to burst your bubble but in reality, few if any people will really ever give a damn about you.

Charming.  Any interest in even trying phrase things politely?

QuoteIn fact their concern for you will be below whale crap which we all know that is at the bottom of the ocean and there isn't anything less important than that.

Just so you are clear before you reply to someone more thin skinned than me, this is flat verbally abusive.

QuoteClearly I am in agreement there but your attitude seems like you are not going to make it easy for those that should be the most important to you.

Again, attack, attack, attack.  And projecting I suspect.  I am not of a mind to quietly knuckle under and be bullied into silence when I am constructively trying to chart a course that is as safe as possible through tricky issues, in what is supposed to be a safe place for such dialogue.  This is not me making a scene in public spaces, that is not a thing I do.  Re-examine your tone, it is not appropriate.

QuoteNow if you decide you want to be a campy trans or non-binary and wave the flag and tell everyone they need to embrace and support your way of life or else you just might find a 5 gallon tank of gas on your porch some morning to help you down the road.

And this is borderline hate speech.  Nice.  Sounds like you have some self-hate or something that you are working your way through.  Good luck with that.  Don't take it out on others.

Your post was neither helpful or constructive.  The helpful parts of your post were already mentioned by the others, but without being mired in toxic garbage. 

Dime store parental advice is not what I needed or asked for, though without the nastiness I'd not have minded.  The point of my thread was asking people with practical experience in dealing with trans-issues AND being a parent, what in particular to avoid doing, or to be prepared for.  Reading your other 14 posts, you don't have actual practical experience on insight to offer for both of those things together.  (On being a parent yes, but not anything I was asking a question on.)

But back to the topic.

Anyone else with good advice on being trans and dealing with or avoiding potential issues as a parent stemming from being trans?


- J

 

Please remember that this is a support site.  Comments and suggestions should be respectful and supportive rather than what may be seen to be hostile in either language or tone.  Focus on the issue or question being raised rather than on the person who has posted.   

Safe travels

Aisla

Trans is extremely tough, family is tough, dealing with each other should not be.

There is a thing called tough love, but it can backfire badly.

Actually I just had to do it and it was difficult for me to handle it.  Deeply sensitive, lots of early abuse to me.  But I did it, with the support of this forum, and it is a parenting issue.  A very heavy one at that.

So I need to ask that everyone be as sensitive as possible to each others predicaments.  Also PM's are more than appropriate, as well as chatting with the mods.

I wont come down on either one of the folk here that got into this one.

There is no place here though in the forest culture to criticize anothers gender perception or presentation.

I don't want to cross a boundary into the mods responsibilities.  But I am fiercly protective of my trans family, and this is how I feel.

Unconditional love and support is needed.  The stakes are life and death, families, insanity or sanity, or truth or self deception leading to disaster.  I have danced them all here, and survived it, because of faith and those supporting me  there, because of expert medical and psychological support, and especially because of the unconditional love and support of the dear people of this forum.

And all of you that posted here have my support.  Regardless of who you are and what you need to learn to grow further into this great responsibility of living transgendered in whatever form that may be.  And learning to accept that and all of its consequences.

Enough said.  Chill out.

Satinjoy

Fairview is a ex-marine, please take their commends with that in consideration.

i've heard a firefighter cut through pointless discussion in polite words...

as a parent, always be conscious of how you talk to your kids.
never condescending, they'll just talk that way to others too, or back at you when they grow up.
never hateful, we don't need to send more kids to the hell of their own hatred.

reward wanted behavior, catching them red handed in doing something good has the best effect.
don't let unwanted behavior slip, but don't react to it either. doesn't mean you can't tell them not to do it, but yelling doesn't really work.

when you get frustrated, take a time out, go to your room and finish being angry. even swearing is ok behind closed doors.
teach your child to do the same, and see how much better the difficult discussions get when getting done with frustration before talking.

kids generally understand at least twice as much as their parents think they do.
you can't hide being trans from them, they at least have an inkling even if it's without a label.
my daughter has known since before she started school that i really want to be a boy.
she doesn't want me to, so we'll end up having to compromise a little. taking things slowly is what will assure her that her mother isn't just going to disappear.

talk to your child's teachers. about positive things regarding your child, the class, their work, anything at all.
get to know the other parents, learn the names of your child's friends.
tell the home room teacher about things going on at home, all the things that motivate your child, and what makes them quit.
and about hardships at home. the school needs to know that they can contact you about situations at school, and to judge the child's behavior according to what's normal for a child in your type of family.
doesn't mean you have to tell them you're trans, there could be other ways to phrase it if you being trans becomes a problem for your child.

let your child experience how telling you about things always is better than not telling, that calling home is the safest thing to do.
so what if they did something bad, by calling they can get help and will learn unconditional love. and that some mistakes aren't necessary to repeat.
become that safe port for your child in their journey through life, while always encouraging them to travel.

read research about children of homosexual parents. use anything in it that can help.
being different is something that all lgbt people have in common.