The natural cycle of life is not to born and die - those are parts of it but it's not all of what life has to offer.
It is to experience the world for all the beautiful colors it has. Joy, laughter, happiness, grief, sadness, anger, love, hate, jealously, etc.
Right as of now, you are only seeing the world in monochrome.
Have you ever been in a relationship? Been kissed? On a date? Fallen in love? Fell out of love? Have you ever had sexual encounters with others?
Have you ever created new friendships and connections to others? Have you ever had a pet, one you loved so much and they loved you in return? Have you ever been lied to, manipulated and betrayed?
Have your family members ever done anything so silly that made you laugh so hard that your tummy hurt? Have you ever gotten into an argument with a family member or a friend and apologized afterwards?
Have you ever traveled outside your suburb, your state, your country? Have you ever had a job where you worked with people who made the day go by with smiles and laughter or a job you absolutely hated?
Have you ever gone to college? Made friends at college? Have you ever studied a course that held your interest, that you thought you could do as a life-long career with no regrets?
Have you ever eaten a meal that you enjoyed from the moment you put the first spoonful into your mouth? Have you had a meal at a restaurant that was the worst meal ever?
Have you ever lost a loved one? Have you witnessed someone close to you lose their memory, become an empty shell of the person they once were? Have you ever been to a funeral? Have you ever witness someone close to you become so overwhelmed by grief that you see the light fade from their eyes as they go numb?
Depression can be a very serious condition if it is not treated properly. I have personally struggled with depression mixed in with intense episodes of dysphoria since puberty began. Going on HRT put me at ease but it did not solve all my problems, Even though my depression levels are nearly non-existent, I suffer from occasional moments of dysphoria and stress. I don't self-harm, drink excessively or do drugs like I did in the past. I use drawing, writing, video games and dancing as a healthy outlet for my emotions and stress. Sometimes, when all else fails, I will focus on transitioning and my future goals of getting surgery to receive the correct body, dreams of having a small cottage to live in, a successful career to do with animal welfare, future plans to travel the world...
Speaking of travelling the world... travel is a wonderful way (I found, personally) to beat the blues, seeing how large the world can be, seeing how the long ocean stretches for miles, the country of America as I flew from Dallas to Michigan... it made me realize there is a huge world out there... full of people like you or me. We are all struggling in our lives, some more so than others but the important thing is that we are not alone.
You are not alone.
You say you have no purpose to live, yet when you tried the plant-estrogens, you noted you were feeling better and you stopped hating the world as much as you did before. Can you remember that feeling? Hold onto it tightly because that good feeling is your path to a happy life (yes, Goth folks can be happy, too!).
Are you seeing a therapist? Are you seeing the endocrinologist?
Have you called the Callen-Lorde Center to see if they take Medicare or not? Is your appointment still booked for November 1st?
I wish you the best of luck. Support is always here for you.
