The past few weeks I have been grumpy due to stress and anxiety accumulating. My mum has noticed and she thought I was regretting transition but it was really wanting to go off T soon and transitioning angst weighing down on me like how am I going to pay for surgery, etc? My sister saw a picture of me on Instagram with make-up on and a feminine wig, she told my mum about this and it led them both to question "WTF? Am (I) regretting transitioning?"
My mother kept asking me numerous times today why I was grumpy, the constant questioning was stressing me out and I had to tell her otherwise she wouldn't leave me alone.
Long story short, I explained to her what binary is (male & female) and then explained non-binary which falls under the transgender umbrella.
She asked, "So you don't want to be male or female. What are you then? An 'it' person?" I explained there are people who look gender ambiguous, I would like to present the way they do.
She made comments about how the internet is to blame for everything... just like she did when I first came out as transgender when I was eighteen.
It was really disappointing that she feels the need to blame the internet when in actuality, the internet has helped me immensely in figuring out who I am - it was Susan's Place itself that convinced me that suicide was not the answer... it's safe to say the internet saved my life! She didn't need the internet in her adolescence because she knew and already accepted she was female. I feel its incredibly insulting that when she insults the internet, she's insulting the very help and support that saved me from committing suicide or living a life of misery.
She said that she was brought up on believing that there is only male or female. The transgender thing was a huge shock to her, it still is. She thinks I am making things too hard on myself, that I should just stick to being male or female. I wish it was that easy, sometimes I really wish it was that easy. She thinks if I present "in-between" that people will bash me up because they don't know what sex I am. It's funny because she said people would bash me up if they found out I was transgender and that hasn't happened in the seven years I've been presenting as a (openly trans) male.
So in short, I told her that nothing's changed. I still want to be male in the legal sense and have FtM surgeries, that hasn't changed. I just want the freedom to girly it up behind closed-doors... didn't have the heart to admit I wouldn't mind girly it up outside... maybe when both my parents pass away, I will be free to do that. She asked, "Well isn't that called being a crossdresser?" I was like, umm okay, you can call it that haha. She asked if one of my gay friends was a crossdresser because she remembered I mentioned he liked wearing make-up and dressing up in women's clothes on occasion. She asked if he wanted to be female and if he was transitioning to female... I felt bad for laughing. I said, no, Marc is happy being a male, he has no interest in changing into a woman.
It's really sad how much sexuality gets twisted up in transitioning.
She then proceeded to ask me if I have a partner, what sex they are going to be. A man or a woman. I told her I don't know because I'm not interested (I really didn't want to come out as asexual, she'll think that's another thing the internet made up), I want to focus on getting my body right. She said, yeah okay, but after your body is fixed, who are you going to date? I said I don't care. I didn't want to tell her this but I am not interested in relationships, romance or sex in the slightest.
I have a feeling she wants grandchildren. I don't want that expectation expected of me. My sister has a 6 month old son and she seems very happy with him, if she has more children, that's more grandchildren for my mum to fuss over. If she is expecting children from me, it's not happening biologically. Adoption would be the route I would go with but even then, it will be many years away until I am comfortable with the concept, if I ever will become comfortable.
She told me that her father's sister who was 24 and got a hysterectomy because she didn't want kids, this happened in her home town in Chile. She told me I should have researched it more before transitioning... this made me angry.
Because I
had done my research! Before I transitioned, I spent many months researching into the procedures I wanted done to my body and went to see my GP. My GP told me that I would not be allowed to have a hysterectomy unless it is for a medical reason, such as cancer. To have a hysterectomy simply because I do not want kids is not a suffice enough reason for doctors to slice you open and remove organs... unless you've had plenty of kids already but that wasn't something I was willing to go through in order to get a hysterectomy. I could have gone private but I did not have private insurance back then.
She said she wants for her children is to be happy. She doesn't think I am happy, she thinks my grumpiness over the past few weeks if because I regret transition. I told her I don't regret transitioning because if I regret transitioning, it means I would rather go back to being female. If I had to go back to being female, I would slash my wrists. I hate that I had to say it in that blunt manner but it didn't seem like it would get through otherwise. I can't believe she doesn't see how much happier I have been over the last four years, my friends have noted how much happier and comfortable I am, even my psychiatrist has noticed...! I think she is in denial and wants to grab whatever hints she can use to distort into a "here's the reasons why I think you regret transitioning." infodump.
She even said that 99.9% of the population believe they are men or women and 99.9% of society will look at me and be like, "What are you?"... WTF? Yeah, I know transgender folks are a minority... thanks, mum.
I basically told her I want to present as a feminine male and she said its a lot to wrap her head around but she'll get there.
Thoughts? Advice...? I thought it went well... but I think it just goes to show how much society has warped my mum's brain into believing a binary system. I get treated like I am crazy
