Hi there everyone. I'm Raelynn (Rae) and new here... I think. I belonged to a TG board a long time ago and like everything else, time passed and I forgot where I was before lol! Anyhow, I am not new to the CD scene. I am mid 40's and have been dressing on and off since I can remember. The only real times that I stopped was when I was married (couple of times) and when I was trying to kid myself and over compensate by doing MANLY MAN things. Now I am at the turning point in my life. The kids are out of the house, divorced, haven't dated any females in over 8 years (I have come to my senses and admit I am gay now) and so I have the time and finances and am going to move forward in to the scary world of MTF transgender. I have already met the therapy requirements and start seeing my new endocrinologist in the middle of November. Now... the scary part for me. Telling my family. My kids, no problem. I raised them to be open minded and respectful of others, no matter their differences. They went to school with a transgender girl and didn't think anything about it (I know because I asked). They liked her and even took up for her when she was bullied. So yeah, no problems there. Parents. Different story. Lost my dad several years ago to lung cancer. He was old school military and rough around the edges until the latter part of his life. He softened up and didn't think much (as in didn't care what they did) of the other gay members in the family (6... well 7 including me). I made a conscience decision NOT to tell my Dad before he died. I didn't know what his reaction would be towards me and he needed me to take care of him because my mother couldn't, physically nor mentally. If the reaction would have been negative, it would have been disastrous. Mom... going to be tough for me. She is open to my gay cousins, but closed to her gay cousin. Not sure why she doesn't like him, but she ignores his calls and hates it when I answer it and pass the phone to her! I think it might be that he is long winded on the phone and not actually being gay, but I wonder sometimes. I have been struggling with telling her for the past 6-8 months. Every time I come close, I either chicken out or something major happens. Now, with me starting HRT, I have got to do it. I have made up my mind that I am going to come out gay to her, but not transgender...not yet. I know there will come a time and I want to be well on my way in my transition. I know it sounds silly, me being 40-ish and Mom is in her not mid-70's yet, and I am worried about this, but it is a huge deal to me. Mom is all I have other than my kids. I have siblings, but I don't care about them. One, I have met 3-4 times in my life and the last time was at Dad's funeral and she wrote me a nasty email about how she wasn't included or mentioned. Hell, she is 8 years older than me, I think she can drive down or call... works both ways sweetie! The other, well, let's just say that Mom and I are not in her 'married' income level. Sad thing is that Mom and I are both better off than they are and she doesn't know it. We are smart and don't fly off to weekends in the mountains or big cities to go clothes shopping... we save our money and spend it where it needs to be spent and buy everything without credit. Anywho... that is the family dynamic. Friends? Yeah, I have 'em. Good friends, yeah a couple. Do I care if I lose friends over my choice, not really. I will be sad they aren't accepting, but I will respect their choices. Will it affect my social life? What is a social life? lol. I am pretty much a loner now. I have been in a deep, dark, depressive, anxiety ridden hole for several years now. I am borderline agoraphobic (more border than line). I go places with my Mom, but it is usually shopping or her doctors appointments (I am her chauffeur and cook), but those don't really count as being 'social' in my book. Asking where the fresh milk is at the grocery store isn't a top 10 line for getting a date! I have dated a few men that I have met online, but OMG, I am so sick of married guys wanting a 'discrete' hook up. WTH is wrong with them? LAST thing I want/need is a pissed off woman on my case. AND to the credit of the good guys out there, I have met some nice guys, but just haven't clicked with them. I have met a lot of CDs that want to dress together and stuff, but I am beyond that now. 20-25 years ago, it would have been fun, but now it isn't about dressing. It is about the TRUE me. I don't want to play CDer anymore. I want to look femme, feel femme, smell femme. I want a man. I have tried women and honestly, it just doesn't do it for me, so why would I want to be with another man who looks/dresses female? Is that bad of me to say? I hope not. If given a choice of a rocking hot transgender pre-op and an average looking Joe... I would definitely take the Joe. I want to be the girl...
Well. That turned out a bit more than as small hello. I blame Prince Valium and lack of sleep. So I will end this with a simple Hi.
