Oh dear, I can't believe I'm posting here.  I feel like acknowledging these doubts somehow makes them more valid.  I mentioned to my therapist that I was just sick of being trans*, which is true.  I really dislike all the baggage that comes alone with being an out transgender woman.  So she told me that I should spend some time as a guy.  The idea horrifies me.  I was never happy as male, and the seventeen years I spent living as a guy were unbearable-besides, I was even then unable to fit in as a guy, and frankly my therapist isn't very good.  That being said-well, I am having doubts, and I'd like to take a moment to voice them and ask for advice, if you all don't mind.  I've asked so much of this wonderful community in the past, and you've all been wonderful-so I hope I'm not abusing that kindness.  I promise that once I get a proper gender therapist (god knows I wish I could see one now :/ ) this constant venting will end.

Just to preface, there is no doubt in my mind that I am transgender.  I am a queer, androgyny-loving male to female transexual, and I'm absolutely secure with that identity.  I've been living as myself full-time for two and a half years, and being true to myself in that way has been an amazing experience.  I feel though, that I went into my transition with unrealistic expectations.  I discovered my identity, and then six months later I was running with it.  I was able to move forward like that because I told myself that I could not fail: I was sometimes gendered as female even when I presented as male.  I was on hormones at eighteen.  How could I NOT succeed?

I thought that I would have the privilege of choosing who knows about my trans status.  I don't know if it's my six feet of height, my shoulders and hands, my hair, my chin, my brow or my jaw-but that's just not the case.  Two years on HRT, and I still get gendered male a significant amount of the time when I'm not wearing makeup.  I know that surgery is probably never going to happen for me, and it eats me up.  I've lost a job already for being trans.  Even in my queer circles, I'm a pariah when it comes to dating.   My family treats me like scum, I haven't had a girlfriend in years, my career is suffering, I feel unsafe when I go out alone.  I only let myself transition because I didn't think I'd have to deal with any of this stuff!  I was miserable as male, for sure-but seeing the social cost I've paid by living as a non-passable trans woman just makes me cry.  How could something that's left me this isolated be a positive change?  All of a sudden I don't know.

Some awesome things have also happened.  I'm happier with my body than I've ever been (though not happy); I have small breasts and hips; and my face is so much better than it used to be.  I'm happy living as a (genderqueer) woman.  I no longer feel like I'm trapped living as a person I never was...and feeling free like this?  It's amazing.  But the social cost of being trans* is just too high for me.  I wanted to transition so quickly because I thought if I got on HRT earlier I would be able to pass-well, that hasn't happened, and I wonder if I might be able to be at peace with living as male.  I'd hate my body, but I still hate parts of it now (and GOD I wish I could get them fixed!  Knowing that'll probably never happen is another huge piece of this!), and I wonder-if I could find a girlfriend, immerse myself in my work, find a steady circle of friends, and just accept that I won't ever be a "real" woman, would I be better off? 

As better as things are-well, I guess I'm just sick of feeling like people are indulging me when they call use my preferred name and pronouns.  I feel fake because other people see me as fake.  And I can't just be an island like some of you.  Being visibly trans requires immense strength, and I feel like I'm running out of it.  So...thanks if you've made it this far.  I have no idea where I'm going-even if I detransition, I couldn't let go of my hormones.  I don't know what to do, because I'm not happy where I am now, I don't see anything good ahead of me, and where I've come from...I don't want to go back, but I can't see any other options.  Thanks for reading.

Best, as always
Sasha

I really like you - you always provide some of the most thoughtful posts here so it makes me sad that you're having a rough time.  I don't think there's anything wrong with coming to the decision that even though it's not what you want, detransitioning is the best path towards surviving.  However, based on what limited knowledge I have from this post, that doesn't sound like the right path for you.  I wish I could say something encouraging, but I'm a couple months away from fulltime so my lack of experience would make that sound very disingenuous. The best I can offer is that I sincerely hope that whichever path you take leads to some happiness.

 Sahsa we/you know our therapists might offer us a challenge like that now and then, perhaps to test our commitment?  i admire your strength and urge you to hang on to the awesome end of your experience.  You're a trend setter for a better world.

QuoteSo she told me that I should spend some time as a guy.  The idea horrifies me.

The idea horrifies me too.

Sasha, you sound like you're having a rough time and you're caught in a rut.  A change of therapist could be exactly what you need right now to offer a fresh perspective on things.  One who maybe understands the intricacies of gender a little better.

If you detransitioned, would anything really change?  Would people suddenly forget who you used to be and treat you as "normal"?  Would any of the problems you describe honestly disappear, or would it require you to completely sever any connections you have right now and move across country to start from the beginning again?  Could you ever - on a practical level - go back to being a guy, or would you just be the guy who wanted to be a girl and who decided against it?

Going forward might be hard, but going back is, I think, far harder.  (And I also imagine it would be a temporary step back for you.)

Soooo...what to do?  If passing is a problem for you, you could always tone down your beautiful hair and beautiful colorful makeup (much as I hate to offer such advice) and try to present yourself as a more boring, plain female - somebody who blends in rather than stands out.  Make yourself invisible to society?  Are you on the correct doses for hormones?  Not just for physical development, but also for mental stability.  Do you need to take a break from your current circles of friends and try something new or somewhere new?  I don't know, just suggestions - obvious ones that I'm sure you've thought about before, but sometimes the obvious things are overlooked.  Do you just need to sit back for a month or two and give yourself a break?

I'd urge you to look at your signature: "My gender problem isn't half as bad as society's."  To me, this says that you're not the problem; everyone else is.  Would detransitioning be swapping your own gender problems for the greater problems everyone else has with gender?  Sure, others may be indulging you by using your preferred name and pronouns, but could you genuinely swap this for having to indulge everyone else by pretending to be someone you're not?

I know, utterly unhelpful, but I guess what I'm saying is to stick with it.  Rarely do feelings expressed in the early hours of a Sunday morning seem as bad once you've slept.  Or that's the case for me at least.

Thinking of you, and wishing you the best.

NOBODY likes being trans

Your therapist may have been offering some reality therapy... So go back to being a guy. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

I am finally happy being in my skin thanks to HRT
I am finally at peace with myself having lost much of the shame and guilt over being trans
I am finally feeling I not only earned, but deserve, the many good things that I have in my life
I got to achieve my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman

Regardless of what you decide, it does appear you need a break from your internal struggle. I think a lot of people do.

Quote from: Brenda E on November 02, 2014, 07:56:47 AM
If passing is a problem for you, you could always tone down your beautiful hair and beautiful colorful makeup (much as I hate to offer such advice)

I totally like your hair and makeup though, so unique. Generally a colorful exterior reflects a colorful personality. I'd submit to you that some of the social angst is because you haven't found a clique that fits your style or personality.

If you were to anything so serious, rather than pretend to be a guy, maybe pretend to be a valley girl. Neither one are you but one could drive you to a sick and disgusted depression and the other could be fun in an ironic sort of way and it could give you a different perspective. If there are 2 lessons I've learned in life I can share, people judge you on how you look and also the way you dress has a big impact on how you act and function around others.

When I got out of college I had a hard time finding a career job, let alone have people take me seriously. I was a young androgynous "it" with gorgeous long blond wavy hair. I went the other way, I cut my hair, traded in my colorful wardrobe for slacks and button downs. Looking back, I totally hate myself although part of me thinks it kind of worked. People instantly treated me differently/better. Mostly it feels like I wasted 8-9 years of my life on a big lie and it all just fell apart in a very bad way. And here I am, in worse shape than if I just pushed through.

Also this is a place for venting so vent girl vent.

Thank you all for such thoughtful replies, it puts a smile on my face.  Brenda, you've certainly been very helpful, don't doubt that for an instant!

When I think about this rationally?  No, detransitioning probably wouldn't work either.  I would have to sever all ties.  I've done it before, and I don't want to do that again.  I don't think I'll ever be able to be seen as normal.  I wish I could have felt what that was like...like I said, I rushed into my transition, with utter certainty that I would succeed.  So having the option, at least once in a while, to appear as something other than a "freak" is all I'm asking for.  I do need an escape from the constant BS that's become a daily chore for me, and I'd like so badly to be treated like everyone else-the same kindness and opportunities everyone else gets.  That should not be too much to ask for.  So when I am not among friends, in a place I know is safe-that's a perfectly reasonable thing for me to want.

When you mention dressing up as a more conventional girl-I do try that, to be honest.  It's just that even when I put that effort in, it doesn't really work out.  I have (or at least, I am under the perception that I have)  exceptionally masculine features for someone who started hrt at my age.  I want to have that option, but honestly-when I think about what I COULD pass as, among strangers, that is where my doubts set in.  I could pass for a gay man.  I cannot pass for a cis woman---people use the right pronouns all the time when I'm presenting correctly, BUT I am still read as trans.  I don't want to be seen as a trans woman.  I don't like having to be treated that way by the world...just to fit in for one day.  That's all I ask for.  To be accepted-and not as some act of politically correct acknowledgment.  To genuinely belong.

All of these things, I just see so many obstacles...I'd like a proper gender therapist, but I don't have a way to get to anyone off campus.  I'd like to have a change of scenery, just go somewhere-but I have no idea where I'd go, or who I'd go with.  I wanna get on higher hormones doses, but I don;t have a doctor to prescribe them anymore (when I run out of what I have now-that'll be fun).  I'd give anything to just get away from all of this for a little while.  Sadly, I just can't see a way to do any of that, hence the crippling depression.  Well, that's it I guess.

Some of what you are saying sounds like me a while back..

I felt fake.. And like no one believed me, they were just humouring me. I slowly realised that the only person who thought I was a fake was me. I realised that they would even remind me I was seen as a woman..  I have a story about that I'll retell later when I'm home..

Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on November 01, 2014, 11:43:31 PM
Oh dear, I can't believe I'm posting here.  I feel like acknowledging these doubts somehow makes them more valid.  I mentioned to my therapist that I was just sick of being trans*, which is true.  I really dislike all the baggage that comes alone with being an out transgender woman.  So she told me that I should spend some time as a guy.  The idea horrifies me.  I was never happy as male, and the seventeen years I spent living as a guy were unbearable-besides, I was even then unable to fit in as a guy, and frankly my therapist isn't very good.  That being said-well, I am having doubts, and I'd like to take a moment to voice them and ask for advice, if you all don't mind.  I've asked so much of this wonderful community in the past, and you've all been wonderful-so I hope I'm not abusing that kindness.  I promise that once I get a proper gender therapist (god knows I wish I could see one now :/ ) this constant venting will end.

Just to preface, there is no doubt in my mind that I am transgender.  I am a queer, androgyny-loving male to female transexual, and I'm absolutely secure with that identity.  I've been living as myself full-time for two and a half years, and being true to myself in that way has been an amazing experience.  I feel though, that I went into my transition with unrealistic expectations.  I discovered my identity, and then six months later I was running with it.  I was able to move forward like that because I told myself that I could not fail: I was sometimes gendered as female even when I presented as male.  I was on hormones at eighteen.  How could I NOT succeed?

I thought that I would have the privilege of choosing who knows about my trans status.  I don't know if it's my six feet of height, my shoulders and hands, my hair, my chin, my brow or my jaw-but that's just not the case.  Two years on HRT, and I still get gendered male a significant amount of the time when I'm not wearing makeup.  I know that surgery is probably never going to happen for me, and it eats me up.  I've lost a job already for being trans.  Even in my queer circles, I'm a pariah when it comes to dating.   My family treats me like scum, I haven't had a girlfriend in years, my career is suffering, I feel unsafe when I go out alone.  I only let myself transition because I didn't think I'd have to deal with any of this stuff!  I was miserable as male, for sure-but seeing the social cost I've paid by living as a non-passable trans woman just makes me cry.  How could something that's left me this isolated be a positive change?  All of a sudden I don't know.

Some awesome things have also happened.  I'm happier with my body than I've ever been (though not happy); I have small breasts and hips; and my face is so much better than it used to be.  I'm happy living as a (genderqueer) woman.  I no longer feel like I'm trapped living as a person I never was...and feeling free like this?  It's amazing.  But the social cost of being trans* is just too high for me.  I wanted to transition so quickly because I thought if I got on HRT earlier I would be able to pass-well, that hasn't happened, and I wonder if I might be able to be at peace with living as male.  I'd hate my body, but I still hate parts of it now (and GOD I wish I could get them fixed!  Knowing that'll probably never happen is another huge piece of this!), and I wonder-if I could find a girlfriend, immerse myself in my work, find a steady circle of friends, and just accept that I won't ever be a "real" woman, would I be better off? 

As better as things are-well, I guess I'm just sick of feeling like people are indulging me when they call use my preferred name and pronouns.  I feel fake because other people see me as fake.  And I can't just be an island like some of you.  Being visibly trans requires immense strength, and I feel like I'm running out of it.  So...thanks if you've made it this far.  I have no idea where I'm going-even if I detransition, I couldn't let go of my hormones.  I don't know what to do, because I'm not happy where I am now, I don't see anything good ahead of me, and where I've come from...I don't want to go back, but I can't see any other options.  Thanks for reading.

Best, as always
Sasha

Do what ever you need to do to be happy, and if that means de transitioning, so be it. 

Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on November 02, 2014, 03:07:49 PMI don't want to be seen as a trans woman.  I don't like having to be treated that way by the world.

We can only do the best with what we've been given. Unfortunately, the best most of us will ever do is being trans women. That used to bother me until I figured out that as long as people think of me as female, it doesn't matter what kind of female I am. Cis, trans, I don't care. And it's hard to come to the realization that we've been dealt a sh*t hand in life. There's still days where I could happily and carelessly put my gun to my head and end it all because something so fundamental seems so broken, but those days are fewer and further between now that I've decided that yeah, it sucks not being born a girl, but it's slightly less sucky being a trans woman than a regular guy.

You can't change the world, but you can change your world. Find people who accept who you are and who don't care because you're a good person. There are people out there who truly don't care what you are, and there are people out there who will go out of their way to help you no matter who you are. As I've got older, I've found that people mellow (or become more extreme, but easier to ignore), people start to forgive and forget, and nice people want to surround themselves with other nice people. Give it time. Enjoy being young, or at least make damn sure you enter middle age as the person you want to be for the rest of your life.

You have so much going for you. Even on this site full of amazing people, you're one of the brightest, someone who stands out in a fantastic way. Roll with the bad times, because when you get to be 30, 40, 50 and older, you'll have collected a truly wonderful group of friends and accomplices to go through life with.

Quote from: kelly_aus on November 02, 2014, 04:08:28 PMI felt fake.. And like no one believed me, they were just humouring me. I slowly realised that the only person who thought I was a fake was me.

Kelly, you should win the award for best advice given this week.

Confidence...

Your kind of scaring me to be honest.  I don't have any idea if I'll pass and a big reason for my beginning transition is that I don't feel that I have the strength to keep living a lie, BUT, I'm afraid of not passing and feeling as though I'm living a lie.  I'm really all screwed up.  Best case scenario, I pass, worst case... well, I don't know.  I'll be devastated if I begin transition, de-transition and find myself sterile.  If I end up living as a man then I'd like to date women and I'd hate to loose the biological option of having children if so.  I really don't have the money for banking right now, and I'm spectacle about passing, so it's a harsh risk that I may have to take.  I'd give that up if I could pass, but I don't know. 

For you, I don't know, as I don't know with my own self.  How is your voice?  Time maybe?  Estrogen will keep effecting you in various ways over the course of your life and you may find it easier to pass.  Maybe you just haven't lived authentically as yourself long enough?  Part of me feels that even if I don't pass, in-time I can become comfortable enough with myself where the possibility becomes more realistic than I'd imagined.   

I'm cripplingly depressed as well, and as I've said before, you sort of remind me of myself in A LOT of way.  I think I've said this before too, if you ever find yourself in Boston, shoot me a message... and don't discount surgery in the future.  I have no idea how I'll afford it, but I'm holding out hope.  I'm not even of HRT yet, so holding out hope is difficult, but I'm trying.

I have faith in you.

Maybe you could consider breast forms or adhesive hip pads?  I seem to almost pass as is when I get dressed, by and large the result of breast forms.  More visible breasts may help.

Also, I really like your hair as is, but growing it out may help a bit.

First, the way you're wording things makes it seem like you're worried how people here will perceive you. Like we'll judge you if you're "not really trans" or detransition. The way you're writing things says a lot, I think.

So with that I'll just say I see no problem with doing the guy thing. The problem isn't whether you should be a guy or a girl. The problem is not feeling authentic, both as a guy and girl. So being a guy for a little while or a day or whatever, what's the big deal? It wouldn't be the death knell. If anything at least it'll give better perspective of things. You either do it and discover that may be where you wanna go or you hate it and you'll feel that much better once you go back to presenting female.

You're talking about surgery as a problem solver, but in the same breath talk about possible doubts with having transitioned. Before you start spending money on permanent surgeries you need to figure yourself out. Like I said, presenting as a guy may not be such a horrible idea. It would be the same way many of us have to dress as a woman "to know".

Anyway, stop worrying about your past or your future, just worry about now.

your brutal honesty is very healthy. I can live my life with far less concerns then you because I'm so much older with so much less time left on this planet. I'm just trying leave on the best note possible, so what others think I can just ignore. I'm so much in a different place because I've lived the majority of my life where as your just beginning. I had a psychologist while attending a university who after many years later I realized how worthless he was. all the other therapists I've seen in my life have been superior. you might just need some other opinions. I constantly question my viability as being perceived as a woman, but its easier for me because I've lived quite a big chunk of my life. It's a difficult problem to understand. you've got a good understanding of your personal dilemma , just keep plugging away or as us Hippies use to say just keep on truckin. things do work themselves out eventually. .

Oh androgynouspainter26...I understand your situation so well and I feel for you!  I also envy you, for taking the steps to find yourself that I never did. 

It has always been very important to me to be a woman...not merely seen as being feminine, or have people knowing I am not cis but politely referring to me with feminine pronouns.  It wasn't about surgery, it wasn't necessarily about finding acceptance, but it was always all or nothing...either I am seen as 100% guy or I am seen as 100% woman.  I did not want anything in-between.  It wasn't so much that I couldn't pass as a woman, but that I couldn't keep bouncing between guy and girl.  Due to my circumstances, I ended up making the "easy" choice and ended up as 100% guy.  That was a long, long time ago.

I have done quite well as a guy, looking in from the outside.  As a matter of fact, for those of you who know who Kristin Beck is, we moved in a lot of the same circles when she was still presenting as a man.  The fact that I have done so well as a guy makes me sometimes even doubt that I am actually transgender...but I have never stopped thinking about it every single day, even after so many years.  I wouldn't say I am 100% happy, but I don't know many people who can say that, transgender or not.

Where I am going with this is that you need to find what will ultimately make you the "most" happy...and what makes you the "most" happy may change over the years.  It might not be ideal to be seen as a gay man, but that may be preferable to having anxiety and stress over always being seen as a trans woman.  You find ways to deal and cope.  There are a lot of "guys" who present as 100% male in their daily lives, but still take low doses of hormones and are able to be happy with being a "part-time" woman.  If your feelings change, hopefully you can change, too.  Maybe later, you will feel more comfortable being seen as a trans woman...or you may go all the way or not at all.  I have been seriously considering making some changes myself after over 20 years.

Like I said, I envy you for taking control at such a young age and seeking yourself...and I envy those who can be comfortable with themselves regardless of how others perceive them.  Unfortunately, life is almost all uncertainty.  Your therapist may be onto something about you trying to be a guy for awhile.  Maybe you can "cross-dress" on the weekends and go out and about, just to see how it feels.  I am by no means saying you should abandon all hopes of being a woman!!!  I wish I had at least tried that route when I was young, and like others have said, more time may make you more passable.  However, you are still very young and with an understanding of your situation, you can still explore a little and hopefully find what makes you happiest.         

 

Am I happy with myself?  Yes.  I'm by no means happy in a general sense, but I feel fairly secure with my own identity and even my body is becoming much closer to what I'd like it to be.  The real problem I'm facing isn't how I AM, it's how I'm perceived, and how our society treats trans women.  I suppose I feel like being true to my identity is only one of my needs, and it's directly interfering with my other goals in life.

I need to be a woman.  I also need to have a partner (or several).  I need to feel safe.  And I need a successful career in the field of my choice.  Looking at my situation, I'm scared that my needs aren't able to co-exist.  Passing isn't important in and of itself in the sense that it doesn't make me more or less of a woman.  Passing is a means to an end, being able to meet my other needs.  If living as a woman means that any of these things will not happen to me, I can say without hesitation that it was the wrong choice for me.  I even said it going into my transition-my greatest fear was how transitioning would affect other parts of my life, and I swore that I would NEVER prevent me from having these other needs met.  All of a sudden, I'm finding myself in a place where I might have to choose.  And if giving up on this ambition I have to be true to myself could allow me to have a career, and to not go through life alone-I'd go back in a heartbeat.  That's two out of three, right?  But I don't know if I could function as a guy.

I know what it's going to take for me to be happy: Being myself, doing work that I love, and to be loved by one, single person on this miserable planet.  If I can't have these three basic things, I know in my heart that I will never find happiness.  So I want to find a way to have all of this, and what scares me is that it just might not be possible.  WRT surgery...I was going to have FFS this past year, but because of money issues, and because I started to feel more comfortable with myself, I decided against it.  But now I'm considering it again, because it would give me a better chance to live a fulfilling life.  The thought of having major surgery just to fit in...it makes me want to puke!  But honestly, I don't know if I see any other option.  Which is a shame, because I don't think I'll ever have the money now. 

And for anyone thinking "if you have doubts you shouldn't have surgery"...my doubts are not as to weather I am trans or not.  I know for an absolute, irrevocable fact that I am a woman, and I deserve to have a body that I can love.  Abby Clayre and Brenda, you both hit a part of it right on the head: My issue right now is with how I am perceived.  And I just wish I knew how to change that...to be perceived as a human being, and not a freak.  Around non-passing trans women...people are visibly uncomfortable.  I'm even guilty of it at times, I hate myself for it.  But, as I look at what my options are, going back doesn't at all seem like a solution I can feel happy with either.  I mean, everyone who is accepting would shun me as well as the majority of people who are not.  Not to mention that I probably could never have a relationship since I'm attracted women unless I learned to act in a masculine way-and I was NEVER able to do that.  I'm already so, so alone because of this.  Why am I denied these basic rights everyone else has?  How can I live with the fact that literally nobody has ever loved me, and I'm keeping them away by living as a person I can love?  Am I happy I transitoned?  Yes, in a way I am happy.  But the cost is just too great.  And I don't know if I'm going to be able to survive it. 

Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on November 01, 2014, 11:43:31 PM
I wonder-if I could find a girlfriend, immerse myself in my work, find a steady circle of friends, and just accept that I won't ever be a "real" woman, would I be better off? 

I approached my life from the other direction to you. I knew that I was trans but I was too scared to transition because I didn't have any support and the whole thing just seemed too impossible to do alone. So I decided to just work on getting everything that I thought I needed to be happy in life besides transitioning. I got the girlfriend, good friends, a place on a Master's Degree in London, my own place, etc and once I'd finally attained everything that I thought I needed to be happy and realised it made no difference to my dysphoria at all I had a complete breakdown and lost it all... I realised that all that other stuff could never be enough to compensate for not being able to live an authentic existence. This is just my personal experience but as someone who achieved what you're talking about I thought I'd share. Maybe it'd be enough for you but it didn't work for me at all.

Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on November 01, 2014, 11:43:31 PM
Being visibly trans requires immense strength, and I feel like I'm running out of it.

&

I know what it's going to take for me to be happy: Being myself, doing work that I love, and to be loved by one, single person on this miserable planet.

&

My issue right now is with how I am perceived.  And I just wish I knew how to change that...to be perceived as a human being, and not a freak.  Around non-passing trans women...people are visibly uncomfortable.

That all pretty much sums up how I feel at times. I know it sounds corny but I find that hope keeps me going. Well, hope and a plan. Career wise I'm planning to be a self-employed counsellor. This is a good one for me because besides having a genuine passion to help people it means that I won't be at the mercy of any potentially transphobic employers. Everyone who comes to see me would do so because they want my help so presumably they won't care that I'm trans. In fact, as probably the only trans counsellor in the whole city (there's none right now) I bet a lot of my clients would be trans themselves. Do you have some sort of career plan that could minimise your discomfort and vulnerability while still doing something you think you'd love? Having something like that to work towards has made my daily routine of discomfort much easier to handle since it means that any problems I have with employers, co-workers, classmates, etc would be temporary.

Regarding love... you just need to be patient. Our dating pools are definitely much smaller as trans folks but that doesn't mean you won't find love. You're still so young. I didn't meet my first love until I was 21 (or 20 if you include chatting online) and that was when people thought I was cis! She lived all the way in frikkin' Canada too so I had to travel halfway across the world just to see her at first. The point is regardless of how most people may or may not feel about you you will eventually meet someone that loves you for who you really are. You can't evade love forever not even if you want to. It will come for you when you least expect it. It's inevitable. There is no escape. Especially for someone who possesses as much charisma and intelligence as I've often observed from you... does that sound weird coz we've barely spoken? I lurk a lot...

Anyway, I really don't have any easy answers but I wanted to share my thoughts with you. I know it's hard right now and you're tired of having to be so strong all the time but if you try and stay positive and endure as you work towards your goals the future will likely be a much brighter place than today. Wow, I sound so corny today... I really do mean it though.

Jessica,

To be honest, having all of those things would not be enough.  BUT, transitioing at the cost of those things wouldn't be enough either.  I don't want to have to choose between living authentically and living well-to me, the only acceptable outcome would be one where I can have a career, a relationship, and to express myself freely.  I think I have better chances (although still fairly compromised ones) in terms of my career: I work in theatre, and I'm perusing a career in scenic design.  I'm already on a good professional track, and it's a very open and accepting industry.  However, it's also a very competitive one and even a single liability (like being transgender) really can set you back.  That being said, my shoddy social skills are a much bigger problem than my transness in this field!  It's all a process.

You have another good point; however, just look at my odds!  It doesn't seem promising...but I'm not ready to give in yet.  I just had a very nice date with a young actor earlier this week, and I felt some small potential with them.  I do wish though, that the trans thing wasn't such a big deal.  It's not so much that I AM trans, it's that I'm visibly trans.  People are put off with it, even if they might be fine with everything if it's in the abstract.  Our odds are not good, not good at all.  I'll be honest and say I doubt either of us, as queer trans women, will ever meet someone with which we have true chemistry. But, it's worth a try, no?  And thank you!  I appreciate it...I promise, I'm a lot less insightful in person.  Careful thought is reduced to dry sarcasm, and people don't seem to like hearing either.


Hanazono,

I don't think you're self-entitled, just that you can sometimes come off as a bit oblivious to the privilege you have.  Honestly, I see a real irony between the two of us...You feel fake, but are perceived as real.  I feel real, but I am perceived as fake.  For what it's worth, socialization isn't something to obsess over.  It doesn't make you any less of a woman!  My parents raised my sister exactly the same way they raised me, same toys, same messages, same expectations (I actually come from a very progressive family, even if they aren't trans-affirming), and that doesn't make her less of a girl, does it?

Frankly, I will probably never make enough money for FFS in my field.  I don't want a career so I can have a lot of money, that's not very important to me.  I want a career so my work will have an audience, and so I will be able to make a living by creating it.  When I say career, what I really mean is the opportunity to dedicate my life to my art.  Going back won't help in that, I don't think so anyways.  If you have other thoughts, feel free to share.  Honestly, living as a gay man is sort of a nightmare of mine since A.  I don't like guys B. I can't act like a man very well and C. I really just don't want to do it.  I could always try going to my parents again for the money, but it's a lot even by their standards.  Dr. Speigal asked for 40k, and I don't know if I really like the results of anyone else (although I'm open to changing my views here)...that's more than I ever expect to have in disposable income.



So, I think I know what I need, if not where to go.  For one thing, I need to be passable, but not stealth.  The idea of keeping my identity and my past a complete secret is a nightmare to me.  I want to live openly, but I want to choose who I am open with, and more importantly, I want the option to fit into an unfriendly world, both for my safety and my happiness.  What I mean to say is that while a production manager I'm interviewing with might not ever know, I'd be perfectly happy talking about it with friends.  And I'd like to help my community too (which, as I'm sure many of you have noticed, REQUIRES you are passable.  Nobody, even other trans people, want to listen to a trans woman who does not pass).  I'm not too bad off, (or am I?  If I am, please please please, I genuinely mean it be honest and tell me I am.  I am asking for raw honesty here, after all.  I've found nothing but kindness on this site, and it has done little to help me).  I'm not too bad off since I do pass some of the time, at least I think I do.  And...I like the way I look.  I really do.  It's other people that are the problem.

So...FFS?  I don't know.  I have a lot against me-my height (six feet even) my hands (big) and my figure (virtually nonexistent).  Not to mention the hair problems.  I still can't figure out an easy way to do any of this.  I wish I could just look like any other queer, spunky, artsy gal.  So many trans* gals my age or older manage it.