This is a hard one, but one that I would like some feedback on if you can please. My entire life I have known I was different as outlined in previous posts. Over the last few years I have known, but only over the last 6 months or so have I truly accepted I am probably transgender and I think the probably is a big definitely. I not only love the feeling of finally coming out and the thought of doing it overwhelms me with extreme joy and fear.

My question comes down to this. My wife and I had our first child this year, and although he is perfect in every way possible, we spent 10 weeks in the NICU with him before getting him home. Poor handling in the hospital nearly killed him, causing two infections and two major surgeries amongst other things.

Truly this was a terrible experience for both of us, and although my wife is doing better now, she did go through and is going some post partem depression. I also struggled with my own issues relating to his birth and health, all the while dealing with the acceptance of finally admitting I am trans to myself. I am not into men one bit, and identify 100% as lipstick lesbian. If possible I would love to keep my relationship with my wife the same as much as possible. Clearly there will be significant changes if it works out for us, so I am not naive to these factors.

Based on the mentioned factors above is it selfish and horribly bad timing to come out to my wife and would it be best to continue struggling with my own identity for some time before making the plunge?

My entire days are spent struggling with this and I want nothing more than to finally be me and also tell my wife. Should I also tell my doctor before my wife, or wife first should I go that route?

Thank you for any advice and suggestions.

Amelia

That is a tough call.

If I was in that position I would wait until my wife was back on an even keel. I would fear that any more pressure on her could be a disaster for her mental health.

Have you started with a gender therapist? I think that is imperative.

Hugs and my best wishes for you and your family

Hi, marriage survivor here.  Please try not to drop the T-bomb until she is 100% available to handle it.  You need undivided attention for this because she needs to process something huge, and in your favor.  The odds of your marriage surviving will be maximized.

Hugs,
Jill

Hi Amelia,

I agree on letting her get through her depression a bit but honestly there is never a good time to drop the T bomb.

We have triplets who had a NICU stay and it was stressing for us too. My wife has always battled depression all her life though. I ended up dropping it on her after she noticed my nails... On our kids birthday. Thankfully it was late at night so they were in bed already.

But it's been a month and she is still not over it yet. However acceptance is growing - she's still squeamish at me wearing dresses and skirts at home but she bought be a nice body wash yesterday.

Also be prepared for the worst. Mine said 100% she likes dudes and that will never change. I said that I love her and I'm not really into men. But as I think of it I have had fantasies of being a woman in a man's arms, wearing an engagement ring and being intimate as a woman. So when I start hormones I have no idea what will happen. But I will be 100% for my kids and I promised that. So hope for at worst a good exit plan and at best you and your wife grow closer. People change so be prepared.

Also I was going to go to the therapist first before telling my wife but I ended up coming out to her first instead. That was a good move as the therapist said she wouldn't do much anyway. It's better to just come out on your own and get it over with.

Hi Ameliato,

I agree seek out a gender therapist. Make sure you are trans and need to transition and know what that means physically, emotionally and socially.

Realize that disclosure is a major shock to your wife. She needs to have time to heal from the PPD. My wife had PPD very bad and it took a while for her to get back and stable. I think it was a year.  My wife dressed and fed the baby in the morning and took her to daycare. I picked her up at nigh and on weekends the baby was all mine. She just could not handle it.

If you can suck up being in the closet for a little longer, I would recommend staying hidden for a short while.  There's no particular rush, especially as you can start to prepare for transition behind the scenes without anyone knowing: therapy, etc.

That said, if it's a choice between coming out or walking out, then coming out might be the better option.  Coming out doesn't have to mean immediately living your life as a female; it can be as minor (?) as telling your wife about the secret that's been bothering you, and telling her that you'll deal with later because she's the one you want to focus on right now.

Not that I detected any instability in your marriage from what you'd written, but I thought I'd throw it out there anyway.  I know in my case, coming out was a last resort before calling it quits on the marriage, and hidden gender dysphoria had completely trashed just about everything between my wife and I.  Once I came out, things improved dramatically.

Just want to make sure that staying in the closet isn't the more destructive option, that's all.

Not to sound like a parrot, but I think it could be helpful to have some professional therapy before bringing it up to your wife...especially if you still have some doubt, i.e. solidify your "big probably" into a "most definitely" and have some support for both you and your wife right off the bat.  But, I think you need to weigh the costs of telling your wife that not only have you been hiding your transgender feelings, but you have also been secretly seeking therapy as well...versus bringing it up before and asking if she will work through this with you.  Hiding your feelings is one thing, but she might feel more betrayed if you talk to someone else before telling her.  Hopefully, you know her well enough to make an "educated" decision.     

As for when to tell her...I usually work under the premise that "bad" news doesn't get better with age.  I agree that you should probably wait until she is a little more emotionally stable before telling her, but don't use it as an excuse to continuously put it off because you don't think she is ready yet.  Like ImagineKate said, there really isn't a "good" time, but the sooner you both start working on this, the better it will be for both of you.  You never know...she might surprise you!  Good luck.

This is a difficult issue given the circumstances which you face.  The best response really is situation dependent and you are the person best positioned to make this call.   While working with a gender therapist is invaluable for anyone grappling with this issue, when and how to come out to a partner depends on you, them, your relationship and the broader context (history, family etc).

Certainly keeping a secret which could later be seen as evidence of dishonesty or being untrustworthy isn't a good approach.  However sharing prematurely, perhaps before really assuring yourself that you really understand who you are may create unnecessary stress or a sense that you are unsure and alarmist.  Similarly when your wife is in a difficult space trying to help her now may be highly beneficial, in terms of the goodwill created.  Then going forward it would certainly be harder for you to be criticised as selfish.

We are each very different.  I suspect that in my case that I would work with the gender therapist; be there for, and support my wife; share that I am also finding it difficult to deal with the family crisis and that I am seeking help to deal with this and 'other' stress; and then I could share my understanding as I progressively unpacked and understood my identity etc.  This may not be a strategy that works for you, but I suspect that someone in the middle of a deep depression is not going to find this easy to deal with, without careful and thoughtful messaging and support.

Safe travels

Aisla

Thank you all for so many great pieces of advice. The overall consensus seems to be quite similar to my personal feelings and direction I am leading towards. Waiting it out and seeking therapy first is probably the best option. Supporting her now through our difficult times, taking care of my family first while working towards therapy and figuring out exactly what I want to do as far as which route I go, is probably the best idea.

I just spent the night with my wife, painting her toe nails (SH Pat on the Black) and then mine (CG Buxom Blue). She said that both of them look great. Moments like this make me feel positive for the future and her acceptance. With a wife who lets me paint my nails in front of her as long as I did her first, what more can I want for the moment? My legs are as shaved smooth as can be, my toes are painted and she called me her wife earlier in the day. Do I really need to tell her? She must know. Just be happy for the moment I guess.

Thanks again everyone. Your comments and time are much appreciated.

Amelia