TRIGGER WARNING: self hate, a little transphobia, depression


i dont want to be this way anymore.
i want to be normal.
im ashamed of who i am.
i feel weak for crying about it.
im not comfortable in my own skin, but when i make udjustments like binding and packing i get even more uncomfortable and ashamed.
i want to be a guy, But thats disgusting!
there is something seriously wrong with me for feeling this way i know it and i cant stand it.

i want to be a guy, i wish i was born with guy parts.

but thats so nasty...

i feel like i need to just tell myself to shape up, and get my act together.

they tell me this is normal, being trans, but its not because if it was then more people would feel this way.

im gona make my brother be worse than he already is,

mom dosnt understand.

im just so overwhelmed and i hate this!

i just want to be NORMAL.

i dont want to be a trans guy just a guy.

but thats is so wrong because i am a GIRL.

i was born with GIRL PARTS.

damn.

gosh why ami even writing this this is stupid.

~o

Its our cross to carry.

We are the stronger.

Normal is subjective.

We know what we must do.

Just need to keep walking the path to what we need as normal.

Hugs

Hugs. Unfortunately they don't call it gender dysphoria for nothing. Being born with a body that doesn't match how we perceive ourself is very, very distressing and confusing. What you are feeling is not uncommon to many trans people and yes internalised transphobia is also common, I had it myself. Are you seeing a gender counsellor or even a general therapist? It would be worth it to help sort out your feelings. There is nothing bad or wrong for you to feel this way.

Hello,

My best wishes for you.

I was born female, but I am a very normal guy. I am not ashamed, I'm proud of myself, because I 'm strong, I'm beautiful, and I know where I should go to find my happiness.

I was like you, but I thought how many people is in wheelchair, wishing their entire life they could walk or dance. I thought about people who is blind, or deaf, or have something and they will never be able to overcome their desease. BUT WE CAN! Not as perfect as a cismen, but too damn close! That made me grateful. I stop to think how happy I could be if I were born male, and start to think how happy I'll be when my transition is over. Really, I'm happy now, after I started walkign this path.

Quote from: Orangaline on November 14, 2014, 07:43:18 PM
they tell me this is normal, being trans, but its not because if it was then more people would feel this way.

Research so far indicates that this is a physical condition due to the way our brains developed. While maybe not normal in the numbers sense, biology being wonky sometimes is very normal.

Quote from: Orangaline on November 14, 2014, 07:43:18 PMim gona make my brother be worse than he already is,

You can't make you brother be anything.

girlparts=girl is a REALLY hard lesson to unlearn. What I've found helpful is really tuning into that inner boy, having a conversation, having a good hard look at who that person is. There are discrepancies. Some are more obvious than others. Some are also more achievable than others (Sorry J, you will NEVER be 5'9 unless I buy a medieval rack and risk paralysing injuries) - but undeniably there is a boy in there. In a way I always knew there was. I just "knew" that I was a girl with a boy-brain, in a weirdly dissociated sort of way, rather than the more common narrative where kids "know" they are (in a parallel situation) a boy in a girl-body. It takes a certain level of ego to make that switch, to making the mind you know works one way the dominant force in your identity, rather than the "objective fact" you were taught when you could barely speak that gender labels are applied based on parts. Trading solid, "infallible" (nope) "fact" (eehhh) for something so subjective as trusting your own mind not to be playing tricks on you is HARD.

As for being normal.
Every single human being who ever lived has experienced this life differently. They had their own emotional profile, their own identity, relationships, aspirations, hobbies and desires. Take any combination of factors and someone, somewhere in history has probably lived it. Statistics are weird like that - there's 365 days in a year and yet in a class of 30 there's better than even odds 2 will share a birthday. (I was one of that pair in my class at school). Thing is Normal doesn't exist. EVERYONE has something that makes them different. It doesn't seem fair, at all, that for us it's not belonging in our bodies when the kid next door got a minor allergy to broccoli and your cousin has an unhealthy obsession with collecting dryer lint. But it's hard to embrace food sensitivities or obscure collections as identity traits. Embracing who you know yourself to be... even just knowing yourself in the first place... that's more than a lot of people ever even go looking for. It isn't easy. If it were EASY, more people would probably do it, even out of curiosity. But it's not.

As a nerdy side note that may be either really deep or really stupid depending on your point of view... in Mathematics, the normal as seen from any given point on a curve is literally going off in a completely different direction to where the curve is going. Normal is specific and different for every point. I can't help but think that sort of applies to people too.

Quote from: PucksWaywardSon on November 14, 2014, 11:00:19 PM
girlparts=girl is a REALLY hard lesson to unlearn. What I've found helpful is really tuning into that inner boy, having a conversation, having a good hard look at who that person is. There are discrepancies. Some are more obvious than others. Some are also more achievable than others (Sorry J, you will NEVER be 5'9 unless I buy a medieval rack and risk paralysing injuries) - but undeniably there is a boy in there. In a way I always knew there was. I just "knew" that I was a girl with a boy-brain, in a weirdly dissociated sort of way, rather than the more common narrative where kids "know" they are (in a parallel situation) a boy in a girl-body. It takes a certain level of ego to make that switch, to making the mind you know works one way the dominant force in your identity, rather than the "objective fact" you were taught when you could barely speak that gender labels are applied based on parts. Trading solid, "infallible" (nope) "fact" (eehhh) for something so subjective as trusting your own mind not to be playing tricks on you is HARD.

I just wanted to say that you put in words what I have been dealing with recently, so thank you.

I feel as if there are two selves housed within my brain: the female self and the male self. The female self, as far as I can tell, is a distorted version of my real self; she's my socialized self, the identity that formed in response to being called a girl and the objective reality of my body and all that jazz. She's been my dominant self all my life, but yet there has always been an inner man in my mind as well. This other person that tells me that while I'm leading a good life, I'm not leading my best life, that while my female self is a good person and there is nothing that others would find wrong with her, that she is not the version of me that I personally will be happiest with.

This male self now seems to be commanding my attention more than ever, demanding to be known and to be unleashed, but my female self still questions him constantly and won't let him take over fully. However, I always feel like there is a switch in my brain that I can turn on when I want to feel his presence and see through his eyes; the trick will be enabling him to be there all the time (right now, it usually happens when I'm alone, though there have been some full days where he is in control without me even trying).

I realize that probably sounds a bit nutty but maybe some of you guys can relate to this?

As to the OP, I definitely know what you're going through. The desire to be normal can sometimes be intense, but think of it this way: you could go on living as a female and trying to be a normal one (all the while feeling like a guy inside, so how normal could it ever be?) or you could feel intensely abnormal for a year or two as you go through the main stages of transition but you will probably eventually feel like a normal guy and be leading a more normal life than you would if you tried living as a female while really being trans. Compared to your entire lifespan, even five or so years of transition isn't too much.

O,

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Most of us have been where you are now, I definitely have, and I can relate.

And: what PucksWaywardSon said! Every single word of it

As for that "inner boy" bit. My therapist and I kept on trying to work with my "inner parts". I was able to identify quite a few (like an angry part, a scared child-like one, etc), but I never really managed to connect with them other than when I was going down that rabbit hole of fear or anger -- which normally means I dissociate. I was never able to grasp who they were -- until I realized they (and I) weren't female. Understanding this was part of the process of acknowledging who I am and seeing that it's for real. I know that not everyone can relate to this "inner parts" thing, but it helps me. I have discovered that there is this really cool guy in there. His name is Adrian, for the time being, and he can calm the scared child and the angry teen that I sometimes become. Sorry, that probably sounds a bit creepy [emoji13]

Quote from: PucksWaywardSon on November 14, 2014, 11:00:19 PM
girlparts=girl is a REALLY hard lesson to unlearn. What I've found helpful is really tuning into that inner boy, having a conversation, having a good hard look at who that person is. There are discrepancies. Some are more obvious than others. Some are also more achievable than others (Sorry J, you will NEVER be 5'9 unless I buy a medieval rack and risk paralysing injuries) - but undeniably there is a boy in there. In a way I always knew there was. I just "knew" that I was a girl with a boy-brain, in a weirdly dissociated sort of way, rather than the more common narrative where kids "know" they are (in a parallel situation) a boy in a girl-body. It takes a certain level of ego to make that switch, to making the mind you know works one way the dominant force in your identity, rather than the "objective fact" you were taught when you could barely speak that gender labels are applied based on parts. Trading solid, "infallible" (nope) "fact" (eehhh) for something so subjective as trusting your own mind not to be playing tricks on you is HARD.

As for being normal.
Every single human being who ever lived has experienced this life differently. They had their own emotional profile, their own identity, relationships, aspirations, hobbies and desires. Take any combination of factors and someone, somewhere in history has probably lived it. Statistics are weird like that - there's 365 days in a year and yet in a class of 30 there's better than even odds 2 will share a birthday. (I was one of that pair in my class at school). Thing is Normal doesn't exist. EVERYONE has something that makes them different. It doesn't seem fair, at all, that for us it's not belonging in our bodies when the kid next door got a minor allergy to broccoli and your cousin has an unhealthy obsession with collecting dryer lint. But it's hard to embrace food sensitivities or obscure collections as identity traits. Embracing who you know yourself to be... even just knowing yourself in the first place... that's more than a lot of people ever even go looking for. It isn't easy. If it were EASY, more people would probably do it, even out of curiosity. But it's not.

As a nerdy side note that may be either really deep or really stupid depending on your point of view... in Mathematics, the normal as seen from any given point on a curve is literally going off in a completely different direction to where the curve is going. Normal is specific and different for every point. I can't help but think that sort of applies to people too.

I feel you, O. Even though I still can't say with conviction that I'm a guy, otherwise I completely relate.

It was just a month ago when I started wondering whether I was trans, and still am wondering, but for the first couple of weeks I wasn't even able to function normally due to all these thoughts you described, and just the overall confusion of all of this. I'm much calmer now, but these thoughts still go about my mind all the time. I started to envy every cis straight person I saw, thinking in my head of how straightforward their lives seem in relation to what I'm feeling.

But, like what others said, there really is no normal. And I also find myself wishing I was normal, and always have. What we perceive as normal is just what's most common. You might say a "normal" exists for each specific aspect of something, but there is no overall "normal" human being, I feel like I'm just reiterating what PucksWaywardSon said here, but he's right. From the mental aspect of things, your brain is sort of required to have a stereotypical image of things. It's what makes it able to process all the information that goes through it; it has to generalize or else it wouldn't be able to work the way it does. From that perspective I can understand why we tend to see things in terms of "this is normal," "this isn't normal," even though objectively we know that a normal doesn't really exist. But it's also good to know how the brain works to know how to counteract it, or at least know where it's coming from, when it gets illogical.

I don't think anyone wants to be this way, everyone knows this isn't an easy path to take. But if a person chooses to be completely honest with themselves and go down this road, then there's no shame in that.

Hang in there, this stuff is a lot to stomach.

Quote from: PucksWaywardSon on November 14, 2014, 11:00:19 PM
As a nerdy side note that may be either really deep or really stupid depending on your point of view... in Mathematics, the normal as seen from any given point on a curve is literally going off in a completely different direction to where the curve is going. Normal is specific and different for every point. I can't help but think that sort of applies to people too.

I love this.  I always like linking math and science to everyday things but I've never thought of this one before. Kind of always wondered why the normal in calculus was called "normal." Maybe there is a deep reason? The normal in terms of probability however doesn't seem to apply to this analogy..

Quote from: adrian on November 15, 2014, 12:44:41 AM


As for that "inner boy" bit. My therapist and I kept on trying to work with my "inner parts". I was able to identify quite a few (like an angry part, a scared child-like one, etc), but I never really managed to connect with them other than when I was going down that rabbit hole of fear or anger -- which normally means I dissociate.

it's interesting you would bring that up, i actually dissociate basically every day, and have over 45 dissociated personality parts, which over complicatres EVERYTHING even when like right now they are lying dormant.

to everyone: Thank you for your kind responses, i hope i get past this part soon, it really sucks. I think it was due to some ignorant things my mother had said after pressuring me to come out to her that made me feel so bad, and im doing better today so maybe it will just pass quickly..