I was doing dishes one day, and this male voice in my head who has accompanied me for awhile while was like, "Hey, I'm you." And I was like, "Oh f***, you're right. Now you make sense."

Which led me to do a ton of research and soul-searching, which led me here. I still have doubts, though. I think I'm one of those people for whom this will always be a journey full of doubts.

Quote from: darkblade on November 13, 2014, 01:47:08 PM
It just feels like people around me are growing, getting jobs, doing stuff, socializing as adults, and I'm just my little awkward self who can't even get myself to apply to grad schools. I just feel like a 20 year old child at the moment.

That's a pretty common feeling around that age, actually. Don't worry, you're not alone! I know some people in their 40s who still feel that way, like big children who never grew up and are trying to do this adulthood thing.

As for me, I have always felt like a little girl. Even up to now, at age 29. My mental image of myself for the longest time was this little gothic lolita (Japanese fashion, not something sexual). Even despite preferring men's fashion...or maybe that helped, since I look like somebody's little sister playing dressup when I'm in a suit.

I've been slowly growing out of that mindset since discovering I'm FTM. It really is like growing up.

It's just something I always knew. It goes as far back as preschool when I had a tantrum about a gendered art project to being the dad for "house" all the way to when I was eight years old and not only unintentionally discovered what packing was (or feeling right in my skin when I wore boy underwear for the first time) but found myself in an intense state of panic when a truth or dare question came up regarding something deep and hidden--having me scared about opening up to kids I went to school with about something I felt like I was the only one going through with, and coming from a family that pretty much ignored me; there was no way they'd understand. I don't know if it was a blessing or curse that I was quiet about it (despite my family saying they "always knew") since they brushed me off when it came to bullying or feeling like something was deeply wrong, which ended up with me being diagnosed with many mental disorders at 16.

I was always envious of my male friends and I felt awkward at slumber parties, school functions or anything that's typically "gendered". A few memories that are rushing back to me are from when I was under the age of 10.

(1) When I was in daycare (pre-K to kindergarten), I was saddened that I couldn't build birdhouses with some of the guys or older kids. I don't know why I got do bummed about it, but I did.

(2) It wasn't a big deal, but it involved the colors we had at our kindergarten graduation. I don't know if this is me now getting weird about it or it was when I was a kid; but it was about how I had to wear white and my male classmates and peers had red.

(3) The typical issue many trans kids had, which was wishing on stars and birthday candles to wake up "normal" and getting depressed about it just being a pipe dream in the morning. Honestly, this went on until I was in my teens.

(4) Something happened with a friend when we were like seven or eight. I'll just say the pants were off and then I got the big picture as to what made us different and it was fairly traumatic and got me depressed for a long while.

(5) I don't know if I was nine or this was later on, but I found an old copy of the Guiness Book of World Records that mentioned a surgeon in Colorado who specialized in SRS; and then and there I knew that's what I wanted more than anything. I didn't feel so alone for once. I had a silly, childish view of how it all went down; but I'm sure people would say it was cute. It's been 12 years, and nothing has changed for this queer boy.

So yeah, I pretty much always knew--even though I spent a good amount of time in my preteen-teen years battling with my feelings and was in a struggle to keep the buried, even when they tried clawing to the surface.

I knew I was different when I was around 14/15 years old.  I had known before then, but had discarded the information because it didn't cause me enough discomfort yet.

Anyway, I really wanted to look thin around that age.  My Mom was really into dieting, she was making me diet too, and I guess it just kind of rubbed off on me.  I had read How Not To Look Fat by Charla Krupp, and was determined to get the "ideal" hairstyle mentioned in the book.  So I did.

Happy accident.

Whether it made my face look thin was debatable.  However, it definitely made my face look more masculine.  For the first time, I could look in the mirror and actually identify with my reflection.  It was as if I had been wearing a feminine mask my entire life, and suddenly it had been ripped off.

The effect only lasted for a couple of days, and I have never been able to get it back since.  I've done all kinds of things to my hair to no avail.  I'm afraid to get hormones too, because I don't want to go too far the other way.  But I know i'm trans.  Ish.