Hello!
Every day for the last 2 years I've been reading and reading about things trans* related and suddenly I had the feeling that I had to join this group. Maybe it has something to do with the fact I've seen a MtF earlier today after catching the train.
Pleased to meet you!
~ a brief introduction ~
I'm a 31 yo from Brazil, on hrt for 3 months now and I've never really recognized myself as a male. Just hoping for a good time here.
~ my personal story ~
Not an easy task to write about myself... Really, It's the first time I talk about my inner ghosts which I've always attempted to hide from.
Well.... It all starts months before birth. Mom had several issues to the point (according to her) 11 doctors recommended abortion. Also (according to her) they could never figure my sex during sonography. As far as I'm concerned I was never subjected to any corrective surgery, but I'll never be sure.
In my early years I had a close relationship to my mother and to an uncle (whom was called a hermaphrodite many years later in a family meeting). I wasn't quite attached to my father from start but it seems things got worse as I grew up.
I've always liked neutral toys - especialy stuffed animals - more than typical boy toys but thanks to my allergy I wouldn't have many... Oh, and I liked dolls, just didn't have much a chance to play with them lol.
As a child I would have few friends. At school I was either on my own or with the girls. Among the rather scarce male friends I had they were misfits and strangely I've felt responsible for their own good, always willing to cheer them up and such. For being a loner I had trouble with bullies. And... I would rather have my hair long but my parents would never allow it... Getting a haircut was totally traumatizing every single time.
By the age of 9 (perhaps earlier) I was taken to the doctor for a mass in 1 of my testicles. After some checking with lights he proclaimed it was blood and I probably had an ovary in the inguinal area. Mom was shocked in a way I still can't describe... As we walked back home I probably said something like "I have an ovary, cool", only to be ordered to shut up and never say a word about it ever... so have I.
In my late teens (16+) I would stick with my group of rock/punk/metal addicts all the time I could but unfortunately I always had to keep an eye on the watch for my father would pick me at school every day and it would be undesirable to have him see I would behave a bit differently among my friends. And the sole fact I had that "kind" of friends would bring me even more trouble. Hey! Let it be known there was a FtM among them!
I should have mentioned by now depression *was* the closest friend of mine and I've never had a girlfriend.
Two years ago, I figured I was walking a road leading nowhere and giving up was just logical, wiser. That night I had a dream and remembered things about my childhood I had forgotten... Actually most of the things I wrote here were long forgotten... These unleashed memories brought a purpose, a goal to my life.
But still, I wasn't considering HRT. Not convinced about going anything trans* either. It all begun as I was losing hair. Tried finasteride but I had awful side effects. I ended up with the most popular T blocker among MtF. It worked really great. Life is full of irony, eh? As I lost weight decided to get some training and perhaps aim for a new career with forensics - a cop career in my country so I would need stronger arms. After a month and struggling with all the training I figured my hands and arms were getting large green veins. I could not stand that! I really loved my small child-like hands and that led me research - rather desperately - for solution. That was my first time on E. Unfortunately it didn't work as intented and I dropped it.... Later I would evaluate my mood had much improved on E and so I would experiment with it again. It did help with my depression. Though I still find myself on a low mood I feel more natural now, I laugh and play, have powerful emotions.
To sum up, I feel I am a human being.
