I don't usually suffer from dysphoria this bad but this is a bad bout. It came and all I could do was cry and then sleep and then cry some more and then sleep some more. All freakin' day and night long. And now it's back in a couple of days? God. How much more can I take and deal with? So what can HRT do? OMG anymore than what nature screwed me with me with I would end up being a basket case. I don't even know what kind of answers I am even looking for. I really don't even know what to ask.

The children thing really hit home even though I know I can't as male or female. But that don't really even bother me too much. Something triggered me with two Korean orphans, one an 11 year old boy and another a 5 year old girl. God the memories that come flooding back. I loved Korea and being there but these two children and me helpless to help them. Nope I couldn't adopt them as a single "guy". They both begged me even. That hurts. Now I know my triggers. I hated and still hate being a "guy". If I would have been married I could have given them a life full of love. If I would have been a genetic female, that would have even been possible according to the nuns. OMG I am a female I told them and that was even more horrific on their faces. But no. I was a guy and by default I guess I couldn't give them love without so me idiotic stereotypical predatory crap involved. The whole judge not crap didn't apply when all I wanted was to give them a good life and a parental if not maternal love.

I am so sorry to all my brothers out there but being a guy has sucked for me all my life. I am so sorry if I offended anyone or you guys. You men are the best that I know. But it just sux for me in this situation. Now it's time to cry myself to sleep and wake up and cry again. No never suicidal but would someone please tell me to stop being so emotional. This is where I need a kick in the but to tell me to get over it. The past is the past and it sometimes haunt me because I really care.

If anyone has the kick I need or words of wisdom or just a shoulder to cry on, I will be back in the morning. Now it is time to cry until I fall asleep, wake up cry again and hopefully get up in the morning with a new attitude.

Sorry everyone.

Hugs Jess,

I am sorry you dysphoria has been so bad as of late.

Your emotions and caring make who you are, a wonderful caring woman. You have scars of the past and present and yet you are always there for someone hurting or in need. I wish I could somehow make it better or change the past. I hope you feel better soon.

I'm so sorry to hear this.  As you might have guessed, I know how debilitating dysphoria can be.  It comes in waves sometimes, and two years ago it became more like a tsunami to me.  My therapist attributed this to testoterone level fluctuations in my mostly female brain.

Maybe it's time to talk to a doctor about a therapeutic dose of HRT to see if it helps.  My dysphoria went from an "11" to a "3" shortly after being administered a low dose.  It got me out of bed and actually made me happy.  I even got off of all my psych meds because of it.

Hugs, sis.  Big hugs.
~Jill

Don't let bureucrats turn your safe inner waters into a storm! Never give them the right to!

For now you must stop with these feelings... They do no good to you and will not help in any way. *hugs*

But hey marriage is just a piece of paper... perhaps some friend of yours who is single could help you with that?

Thanks Cynthia, Jill and Indoctrinated.

It is the past that is biting me in the butt. When two children beg you to adopt them and there is no way in hell or this hell because of what you seem to be. This is something very little people know. I sent them a check every two weeks when I got paid up until I left Korea and then until they closed down. What the Sisters or Priest did with it I don't know. But I sent it specifically for them so... I tried at least.

The past sux big time. I don't think its as much T levels fluctuating though Jill. My gawd, T levels? Never really that good anyway. Even when I was in my teens my doctor wanted to prescribe me T because of gynecomastia. I don't think so. Kind of like snow on the roads in Wyoming, god or nature put them or it there and god or nature can take them or it away. God bless the "girls" though. A pain in the chest sometimes but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

But no Indoctrinated its not about marriage so much because for me never again. Female or male. I do agree though about state sanctioned marriage. Just a piece of paper. But back then if I would have had a wife, I could have two children with a chance and a loving home at least from me, grown by now. No, my time has come and went. They are grown now and OMG I hope they got adopted to some loving people and had a really good life. I hope all their dreams came true but I have no way of knowing. Because when I sent the money it was anonomously.

I really don't know how to put it so much. But when two children out of nowhere connect with you and cry when you drop them off and beg that you adopt them and you are powerless or helpless, it hurts. This hurts me more than anything else. I had to be a guy in the military. It was fake, but what can you do?

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on November 20, 2014, 07:34:40 PM
Your emotions and caring make who you are, a wonderful caring woman. You have scars of the past and present and yet you are always there for someone hurting or in need. I wish I could somehow make it better or change the past. I hope you feel better soon.

I try. Caring? Yeah. I do care, maybe even too much sometimes. Wonderful. Not so much though.

*GREAT BIG BEAR HUG*
Those kids would have been lucky to have you. It makes me mad that people are idiots.

Hugs, Jess.

When I come across painful situations that I'm powerless to fix, I find it helps to pray to be able to accept them. Since I'm not sure about god, I pray to my inner strength, and it works just as well. Don't know if this would work for you, but might be worth a try.

Thanks Edge. Hugs back. I feel a little better today. I feel the dyphoria receding a little more than it has for the last couple of days. I hope it keeps receding though. This bout was worst than I think I ever had before and lasted longer than usual.

Quote from: suzifrommd on November 21, 2014, 08:05:54 AM
Hugs, Jess.

When I come across painful situations that I'm powerless to fix, I find it helps to pray to be able to accept them. Since I'm not sure about god, I pray to my inner strength, and it works just as well. Don't know if this would work for you, but might be worth a try.

Thanks suzi and hugs back. Yeah that is what usually works but it was just unusually bad this round. Just old memories and a lot of other things hitting at the same time while feeling dyphoric turned it into a real monster.

Jess, hugs.

What or rather how can I say this. You are one of our family who keeps me going. In my suicide nights you help me. Ye do I know the horror.

How do we deal with it, goddess knows but one thing is certain you have done more good than most. We need to hold onto that, when I shake in fear and cry out at night as the nightmares return I hold onto my friends.

Hold onto me tonight. I'm in a good place and I shall share my strength.

Hugs

Quote from: Cindy on November 21, 2014, 08:26:06 AM
Jess, hugs.

What or rather how can I say this. You are one of our family who keeps me going. In my suicide nights you help me. Ye do I know the horror.

How do we deal with it, goddess knows but one thing is certain you have done more good than most. We need to hold onto that, when I shake in fear and cry out at night as the nightmares return I hold onto my friends.

Hold onto me tonight. I'm in a good place and I shall share my strength.

Hugs

Thank you so much Cindy. I'm in tears again but not the painful tears it has been for the last 2 or 3 days. These feel a little better. It's slowly fading now though. Like I said this one was extremely bad. Everything all at once seemed to hit me at the same time the dysphoria starting hitting, and then old memories. I kept it in until last night and it just became too unbearable. Seems like letting it out forced me to face it. And for me, facing it always seems to help. I just couldn't really face it this time without letting it out. Gawd I'm so weird sometimes.

*hugs* If nothing else, I hope that a hug can help. You cant change the past, unfortunately, although you can always take comfort in the fact that you did all you can do...that helps me, sometimes. Those kids would have been lucky to have someone like you taking care of them. *hugs*

Quote from: Deltaforce on November 21, 2014, 08:52:21 AM
*hugs* If nothing else, I hope that a hug can help. You cant change the past, unfortunately, although you can always take comfort in the fact that you did all you can do...that helps me, sometimes. Those kids would have been lucky to have someone like you taking care of them. *hugs*

It does help Deltaforce. *Hugs* hon and thanks.

Jess,
I have very few answers for anything, but I have an answer for the fear and the awful aloneness that we sometimes suffer.  Those two kids were your children.  That time and space did not allow it to be forever has no bearing.  One day I will tell you a story about a little boy who I shall never see but who carries my genes.  Should you choose, call and cry.  We are both pretty weepy and I will do anything to help you bear this pain.  It is why I still lurk in the shadows.  Sometimes we have to cry together to laugh later.

You have my number, I will always pick up.

Love,

Julie

Quote from: JulieBlair on November 21, 2014, 02:35:00 PM
Jess,
I have very few answers for anything, but I have an answer for the fear and the awful aloneness that we sometimes suffer.  Those two kids were your children.  That time and space did not allow it to be forever has no bearing.  One day I will tell you a story about a little boy who I shall never see but who carries my genes.  Should you choose, call and cry.  We are both pretty weepy and I will do anything to help you bear this pain.  It is why I still lurk in the shadows.  Sometimes we have to cry together to laugh later.

You have my number, I will always pick up.

Love,

Julie

Thanks Julie but I am back. I am so god awful weird with my dysphoria. Other crap hit, especially the memories, the realization that I will never know parenthood in either capacity but would rather experience the maternal side, who will take care of me when the time comes if I am single or if my better half goes before me and the freakin' dysphoria. All at the same time. It just became a little overwhelming. But now I'm back baby. It's still in the background but steadily fading.

I just want to say thanks to everyone and I love you all. I never really knew real family that knows the real me.

Hugs Jess.im glad to hear you are feeling a bit better now. It's never a great place to be in, having been there in the past I can relate. As to how one might overcome dysphoria I can only reply from my own experience. When I tried to transition the first time I was on HRT but increasingly miserable, the dysphoria was so bad all I could do sometimes was cry and hide. It was eating me up. This time I'm on HRT but the dysphoria is minimal, always present but doesn't leave me incapacitated like it did before. So does the HRT help or not? It must to some degree I'm on a different regimin this time to last so that might be in part the reason but I think the major factor has been that I no longer feed my dysphoria.

I've had a lot of time between last time and this time to deal with how I feel about myself and society and my situation; I've chosen to accept that I was born with the body I have and that while not ideal I know now it doesn't make me a freak. The only person who needs to accept me for who I am is myself, I usually find that that one realisation is enough to stop me from feeding the dysphoria beast - previously I would hate on myself with incredible and undeserved ferocity, I was ugly,  I fixated on the tiniest physical thing that reminded me I was not born with a female body, I believed nothing would ever work, I was in fear of rejection by my family and society, cis women were so beautiful why couldn't I look like them or be them, I hated all men with a passion, I was an outcast, I felt trapped in hell.

What I didn't realise was that I was, by and large, creating that my hell myself. Constantly dwelling on the worst of everything just built a nightmare thought bubble around me. By all accounts I could have and should have transitioned perfectly successfully some twenty years ago and yet I imploded.

And I feel that is what has changed for me this time around, I don't hate myself, I love and accept myself despite the birth defect, I am not perfect nor can I ever be but I am beautiful as a human, some things will work and some things won't but I'll try my best to make sure they will, I still love people who reject me and will be there when they need me or change their mind and accept me but until then they are not worth my time, I rejoice in the beauty of women but will no longer put them on a pedestal and never feel jealous of them, I no longer hate men, my life is what it is. I didn't arrive at those feelings overnight, if anything it was a labyrinthine hit and miss process of therapy and self help workshops and deepening personal realisations about life the universe and everything.

Bottom line, I control my dysphoria now it doesn't control me. It feeds off self misery and it isn't going to get a single scrap from me.

Quote from: Ms Grace on November 21, 2014, 03:16:51 PM
Hugs Jess.im glad to hear you are feeling a bit better now. It's never a great place to be in, having been there in the past I can relate. As to how one might overcome dysphoria I can only reply from my own experience. When I tried to transition the first time I was on HRT but increasingly miserable, the dysphoria was so bad all I could do sometimes was cry and hide. It was eating me up. This time I'm on HRT but the dysphoria is minimal, always present but doesn't leave me incapacitated like it did before. So does the HRT help or not? It must to some degree I'm on a different regimin this time to last so that might be in part the reason but I think the major factor has been that I no longer feed my dysphoria.

I've had a lot of time between last time and this time to deal with how I feel about myself and society and my situation; I've chosen to accept that I was born with the body I have and that while not ideal I know now it doesn't make me a freak. The only person who needs to accept me for who I am is myself, I usually find that that one realisation is enough to stop me from feeding the dysphoria beast - previously I would hate on myself with incredible and undeserved ferocity, I was ugly,  I fixated on the tiniest physical thing that reminded me I was not born with a female body, I believed nothing would ever work, I was in fear of rejection by my family and society, cis women were so beautiful why couldn't I look like them or be them, I hated all men with a passion, I was an outcast, I felt trapped in hell.

What I didn't realise was that I was, by and large, creating that my hell myself. Constantly dwelling on the worst of everything just built a nightmare thought bubble around me. By all accounts I could have and should have transitioned perfectly successfully some twenty years ago and yet I imploded.

And I feel that is what has changed for me this time around, I don't hate myself, I love and accept myself despite the birth defect, I am not perfect nor can I ever be but I am beautiful as a human, some things will work and some things won't but I'll try my best to make sure they will, I still love people who reject me and will be there when they need me or change their mind and accept me but until then they are not worth my time, I rejoice in the beauty of women but will no longer put them on a pedestal and never feel jealous of them, I no longer hate men, my life is what it is. I didn't arrive at those feelings overnight, if anything it was a labyrinthine hit and miss process of therapy and self help workshops and deepening personal realisations about life the universe and everything.

Bottom line, I control my dysphoria now it doesn't control me. It feeds off self misery and it isn't going to get a single scrap from me.

Exactly. I had a pity party or so now it felt like a pity party for myself. Oh yeah now I am kind of ashamed that the feeling of self pity was so strong. The feelings of self misery were so strong. Thankfully I poured it out last night and could face it way better this morning. It was like, I don't know but before I wrote the post it was seemingly all consuming. When I wrote it out and reread it over and over again, it seemed like I could actually face it. I know. I'm weird. I try to keep it off of here because so many have it so much worst than me. OMG I can only imagine with horror what dysphoria like that was constant and never ending. I think I am getting back to normal. still though a little more emotional than normal though.

always good to see the sunshine, sunshine is such a curious thing . what a great idea. who ever thought of sun shine should be given some kind of award or something . that why I'm glad I don't live in Seattle  or England.

Quote from: stephaniec on November 21, 2014, 04:35:21 PM
always good to see the sunshine, sunshine is such a curious thing . what a great idea. who ever thought of sun shine should be given some kind of award or something . that why I'm glad I don't live in Seattle  or England.

I don't know because I like rainy days with a dreary sort of drizzle but this was a storm so... I am happy to see the sun for once.