Wow, talk about a whirlwind of change happening so fast.

First of all I want to say that this place is a wonderful resource and the decorum and quality of members here is truly quite amazing! I have been reading these forums for a good while now and have found them very helpful. When I am feeling confused and isolated I come here, read, and can see that many others have had or are having the same issues as me. It is comforting and I thank you all.

Well, I am married. My wife is pretty traditional and conservative. I have tried to talk to her about my lifelong issues with gender identity, but when I would bring it up the conversation always resulted in her getting shocked or mad and I would just downplay it knowing there was a high likelihood she would freak.

So, the other night she gets a "feeling" something is wrong and decides to go through my phone while I am sleeping. She later said that she suspected me of cheating on her or having an affair. So she was searching for evidence of "the other woman".  But while she was going through the pictures on my phone it became clear that  I was the "other woman".

Fury ensued. She has threatened divorce, obviously. She has threatened to out me to my family and friends. She has called me every derogatory name in the book.

I have stood my ground. I just cannot keep living in turmoil. The last 5 years have just been intense. My gender dysphoria has come on so very strong and it is becoming almost impossible to restrain it like I have attempted to do so many times in the past.

I have pleaded with my wife to let me do this on my own terms in my own time. I am not sure if I will get that courtesy at this point.

I have been going to a counselor that specializes in transgender issues. That has been a huge help through all of this. But I am still real nervous.

Thanks for reading

A big warm welcome to the family! Oh what a familiar story to most of us. I think you are correct that it will not be done under your schedule now and probably with a LOT of bitterness. There is always the chance though when the shock wears off that things can at least be civil. I hope that is the ultimate situation for you. Relax and dig right in!

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Dear Shauna,

I always offer the following advice to gals who find themselves in situations similar to yours...

Prepare for the worst and work hard for the best...

First of at all, there is no way back, the proverbial cat is out of the bag, and unless you want to recant... well, change is going to happen...

Prepare for the worst: talk to a lawyer... keep a diary, make an inventory of everything you and her own... put your most treasured possession in a place she cannot reach. Be calm, do not live you home.

Work hard for the best: listen to her, validate her feelings, seek family counseling by a trans-experienced counselor, verbalize your needs and opinions in a calm way...

Courage!

Shauna, my heart goes out to you, I will be in that boat soon myself... take on board the advice, I will... especially, quoting 'Peky' plan for the worst and work hard and pray for the best outcome... I certainly will when I get there (actually planning now  )

Keep positive... Ooh and Welcome

L Katy

Quote from: Shauna B. on November 23, 2014, 02:43:05 AMI have tried to talk to her about my lifelong issues with gender identity, but when I would bring it up the conversation always resulted in her getting shocked or mad and I would just downplay it knowing there was a high likelihood she would freak.

So, the other night she gets a "feeling" something is wrong and decides to go through my phone while I am sleeping. She later said that she suspected me of cheating on her or having an affair. So she was searching for evidence of "the other woman".  But while she was going through the pictures on my phone it became clear that  I was the "other woman".

Fury ensued. She has threatened divorce, obviously. She has threatened to out me to my family and friends. She has called me every derogatory name in the book.

Ugh.  Sorry you have to go through this.  A nasty situation, but one that isn't particularly uncommon.  There's lots of expertise in these forums dealing with this, so you're definitely in the right place.

Sounds like there's a fundamental lack of trust in this relationship, and based upon her behavior both before she found out and afterwards, your wife  is probably going to remain utterly inflexible when it comes to your gender issues.  If she refused to talk beforehand, then went through your stuff secretly trying to find evidence to convict you of something, then when she finds it she starts attacking you and insulting you and threatening to shame you in front of your family and friends, there's issues far deeper than simply a spouse shocked at an unusual discovery.

So what to do now?  The cat's out of the bag, so there's no putting it back in.  You could recant being trans, say it was just a silly phase and you'll never do it again, but that'll end badly.  It's who you are, and you will do it again, just even more secretly than before.  Or you'll live utterly unhappily with a spouse who you know isn't supportive and accepting.  All bad choices, and you will regret living an unauthentic life.

Are there additional factors to consider?  Kids?

Is she going to counseling?  Would you be open to going to your gender therapist together?

Quote from: Shauna B. on November 23, 2014, 02:43:05 AM
Wow, talk about a whirlwind of change happening so fast.

First of all I want to say that this place is a wonderful resource and the decorum and quality of members here is truly quite amazing! I have been reading these forums for a good while now and have found them very helpful. When I am feeling confused and isolated I come here, read, and can see that many others have had or are having the same issues as me. It is comforting and I thank you all.

Well, I am married. My wife is pretty traditional and conservative. I have tried to talk to her about my lifelong issues with gender identity, but when I would bring it up the conversation always resulted in her getting shocked or mad and I would just downplay it knowing there was a high likelihood she would freak.

So, the other night she gets a "feeling" something is wrong and decides to go through my phone while I am sleeping. She later said that she suspected me of cheating on her or having an affair. So she was searching for evidence of "the other woman".  But while she was going through the pictures on my phone it became clear that  I was the "other woman".

Fury ensued. She has threatened divorce, obviously. She has threatened to out me to my family and friends. She has called me every derogatory name in the book.

I have stood my ground. I just cannot keep living in turmoil. The last 5 years have just been intense. My gender dysphoria has come on so very strong and it is becoming almost impossible to restrain it like I have attempted to do so many times in the past.

I have pleaded with my wife to let me do this on my own terms in my own time. I am not sure if I will get that courtesy at this point.

I have been going to a counselor that specializes in transgender issues. That has been a huge help through all of this. But I am still real nervous.

Thanks for reading

I'm actually going through this situation currently, thus the ? and not F on my profile since I tried to bring my wife here as well. It has put a major damper on our relationship and I'm not sure how things would go either but if you ever need someone to talk to about it and compair notes since it sounds like you want to keep the relationship but feel happy with yourself as well I can totally relate to that 100%.

Welcome to the last forums you need to check for your issues. I've been much happier since I came here.

Hi Shauna...!

A big warm welcome to Susan's Place. It always great to welcome another sister to ever growing family. Thank you for sharing your story. Mine is a little different as I'm already divorced. My ex-wife has a problem with me transitioning and in order to put pressure on me not to do it today she decided to tell my family for whom I haven't had contact with in years, but all of a sudden I'm getting calls from them telling me what a freak I am and how disgusting I am. Oh well. Their problem not mine. Anyway, there are many beautiful people here with friendships to be made. There is a vast array of information and some great resources available on this site. Everything is right at your finger tips. So pull up a chair , relax and let your fingers do the walking. I hope to see you around the forums. I wish you nothing but the best of luck on your journey and may the Angles always look upon you and help guide you on your path.

Much love,

Melissa Ann

Quote from: peky on November 23, 2014, 03:19:37 AM
Dear Shauna,

I always offer the following advice to gals who find themselves in situations similar to yours...

Prepare for the worst and work hard for the best...

First of at all, there is no way back, the proverbial cat is out of the bag, and unless you want to recant... well, change is going to happen...

Prepare for the worst: talk to a lawyer... keep a diary, make an inventory of everything you and her own... put your most treasured possession in a place she cannot reach. Be calm, do not live you home.

Work hard for the best: listen to her, validate her feelings, seek family counseling by a trans-experienced counselor, verbalize your needs and opinions in a calm way...

Courage!

Thank you! This is very sound advice IMO. I am putting into action many of the things that you say in your post. I haven't contacted a lawyer yet and still hold out a chance that that might not be necessary. I am working hard for the best and going to counseling is helping me with the tools I need to communicate with an even keel.

I think what short circuited my ex's way of thinking was the fact that I didn't care about being "outed" anymore, transition was happening. her divorcing me was fairly hostile. beware.

Hi Shauna,

I am early on in transition but I have had some issues with my wife that are ongoing.

She never did out me but from what I gather she wants to pretty badly. She asks me why I don't just come out to my friends and parents yet. I explain that I'm doing things gradually and I will eventually.

More and more though, I am just settling into "I don't give two hoots" mode. Let people find out, let them talk. I am me and I am proud. I will be out sooner or later and I'm fine with it.

My wife has been asking if I want a divorce, to which I told her that I would not stop her if she wants one. Just bring the papers for me to sign, and a pen. I am now fully prepared to lose my marriage and I'm 100% fine with it. In fact I'm looking forward to being free from constant questions and the shackles of this marriage which is probably not going to work out with transition. However I am willing to let it work out. My wife says over and over she is not a lesbian, she is happy being a heterosexual woman and wants a man as her husband and father of her kids. Well she can get 2 out of 3 here. I am still their father/parent though and I will not be pushed out of their lives.

Best wishes on your journey.

This is not advice, just personal feelings.

I don't think I would handle it well if I had a significant other threaten to out me. I would probably pick up the phone and say, "I would prefer to tell people in my own time, but go a head. You're the one who is embarrassed and upset about this while I will probably feel the huge weight of a secret I've been carrying for too long lifted off of my chest. Let's rip this band-aid off. Should we start with your parents or mine?"

Probably not the smartest idea, but I take betrayals of trust very seriously.

Quote from: Missy~rmdlm on November 23, 2014, 04:45:37 PM
I think what short circuited my ex's way of thinking was the fact that I didn't care about being "outed" anymore, transition was happening. her divorcing me was fairly hostile. beware.

Yeah I'm kinda taking 2 steps ahead here. She can have the house and whatever property she wants. She works and makes about 3/4 of what I do so I don't really see any alimony issues. Child support is a given but I really don't mind at all. What helps is that I am very savvy with the laws and I have several attorneys as friends as well as one I keep on retainer who does work on family issues.

Hi Shauna,

Welcome to the family and as you can see you are not alone. My wife outed me to a few friends but as I have not yet begun transition, it's basically a non-issue with them, though it will be as they are fundy Christians. To keep my marriage together I have waited entirely too long and know that the dysphoria will probably get worse. I know I could mimic a lot of the advice here but no need to repeat.

Prepare for the worst and pray for the best.

Hugs hon, we know where you are coming from.

Hi Shauna,

Wow girl, very intense situation your going through. I concur with many of the previous posters about preparing for the worst, hoping for the best. I only wish I'd heeded some of that very logical advice in my own dealings with a disgruntled soon-to-be ex spouse.

I'm in a very similar boat right now myself although maybe a little farther along. My wife will have absolutely nothing to do with me transitioning or even dressing as my true self in our house with our daughters. Although she'll openly blast me with any negative expletive or slur you can think if without second thoughts. We've concluded we'll be divorcing, so it's a matter of when not if for us.

My wife has threatened the whole outing me to our friends and throughout the community we live, but she won't because it's her embarrassment and she knows I won't care, so that makes her even more infuriated with me. It would be the weight off my shoulders so to speak. She's tried the whole biblical thing with a pastor and it didn't work either.

Like yours, my wife has also gone thru my phone and iPad (both now have pass codes), she gone thru my personnel laptop, done web searches and she's found her share of pictures, emails, blog and more. She's even found receipts for clothing and counseling sessions ..... all of which she believes will be useful in divorce court. What she doesn't understand though and won't take time to learn about either is that being transgendered is not a crime and has little impact in divorce proceedings, at least according to some of the legal web searches I've done .... I'm sure it varies by state though (I live in Minnesota and there are some actual reported cases from here with positive outcomes, so I feel good about that).

What I would suggest is prepare for the worst .... Get your ducks in a row, do your research, keep a log of events between you and her such as things said, dates of altercations, etc.

Good luck dear!

Wow. I'm so sorry to hear your story. I think that if your wife really cares about you, then she shouldn't scare you out of being who you really are. I know it took a lot to even admit it to yourself. This must be so hard. I'm so sorry.

I personally believe that if your wife really does love and respect you, then she would support you all the way in your transition, in coming out, etc. 

To be brutally honest, it doesn't seem like she cares about you very much. You should possibly get a divorce.

Just be happy, and live life on your own terms. You only have one life. Don't waste it.

I wish you the best. I'm so sorry.   <3 <3