So, I came out to myself and my close family about a year ago.  Since then I've been identifying as male.  But lately I've been wondering if I'm really more androgyne than anything else.

I feel male.  I want to be male, but I don't think I feel completely male.  If I had to choose between one or the other, I'd want to be male, but I feel like there's a part of me that is decidedly non-male.  Yet I don't want to say that that non-male part of me is female.  What does that mean?

I've also been thinking this because, although I get quite a bit of dysphoria, I don't feel like it distresses me as much as other FtM's.  Some days its nasty stinging anger at my girl-parts, other days I don't mind them so much and I actually feel okay with being seen as female, as long as I'm not being pressured to be a 'girly girl'. 

I do feel like I am going to have to transition one day and get the T and the top surgery, because I can't see myself living the rest of my life as female and being able to be completely comfortable with myself.  But internally, I feel like I do have a part of me that's kind of non-male and I'm trying to wrap my head around that.  I feel like I want to identify more androgyne than male but I don't feel at all female... does that make sense?

I think I've come to a point where the whole idea of gender-binary just annoys me.  A lot of the time I think I don't really wanna be either one.  I don't know if I fit somewhere in the middle or what.  Why do I have to choose?  I just wanna throw the entire concept out the window.

Any thoughts?  I've read some posts on this part of the forum, but I still feel a bit confused.  What does it mean to be andorgyne/non-binary?  I think what confuses me the most if the fact that I don't feel completely male, yet I don't really want to be any part female.  Can I be kinda sorta male and kinda sorta something else and not really female? 

I'm sorry, I hope I'm not annoying anyone.  I'm just trying to figure all this out. 

You may be genderfluid,  I feel a lot like you do, but am coming from the MAAB direction. According to one definition on urban dictionary, genderfluid is: gender identity best described as a dynamic mix of boy and girl.

You aren't annoying me, at least.

It's possible you could be a mix of male and some sort of third gender. But I don't know, I'm not a mind reader  Heck, I can barely make out my own gender. LOL

I know how you feel about not really wanting to have to "pick one", though.. I can vaguely recall my first "Am I really a guy? Or am I a girl? Genderless? A mix??" 'phase'. I was desperate to find a word to describe how I felt, but at the same time.. I didn't want a label.

During that time I was also questioning my sexuality - I was confused and thought perhaps I was asexual, so I joined a support forum for asexuals. On that site they also had a subforum for gender discussion, and they had more than two gender options you could choose in your settings. And for some reason, mine said "u" (instead of m or f). I later learned that this was because I didn't set my gender as anything, so the default gender was "Undefined". And to be honest, I quite liked that "u". (as for my sexuality, I later concluded that I'm definitely not Ace - I just rarely get "crushes" compared to the majority)

And now that I'm "questioning" again, I feel similarly about the "?" here on this site.. Technically, I guess I would count as "Androgyne". But at the same time, I feel like the label is too.. constricting?

I don't know how to explain it, but I like the "?" because it doesn't say "I am x", essentially forcing me into a box that comes along with stereotypes, gender-specific treatment, pressure to look a certain way, etc.

Kaiden

Non binary refers to anyone who does not identify as 100% male or female.  Within this category there are many sub groups and descriptors.  While it may, at first seem necessary and desirable to fit within a specific category eg neutrois, demigirl, gender fluid, gender queer, tri gender, bi gender, androgyne etc I think the first task is to explore and to understand yourself.  Once you reach this point you have an opportunity to accept and to authentically express yourself.

Once you reach this stage then the desire to attach a label to yourself just seems unimportant.  This is why I like the descriptor m2me,  because to me my journey is to understand and to express my core, and that is by itself a unique category which may involve a range and mix of F and M gendered elements, some fluidity and is unique to me.

Safe travels

Aisla

You may be demigendered, which is identifying with some, but not all of a particular gender and something else that isn't always defined.

Like i identify with some aspects of being female but not all of them, but I don't think about the rest of me in masculine terms.

My therapist has repeatedly told me that it's not always helpful to try to define or label my gender identity. What's more important is how I need to live.

On that front, you seem to be pretty clear. You want top surgery. You want T.

The problem is that we, as a species, are wired to see people as members of one binary gender or the other. It's how the species reproduces. So nearly everyone will "see" you as one of the binary genders even if you don't see yourself that way. Non-binary folk often finding themselves facing the decision of whether to give in, and allow people to understand you as a member of one of the binary genders (that's what I chose to do), or to present as non-binary and take on the task of explaining to people who you are.

There is no right answer. Different people face life in different ways.

I couldn't agree with you more, Kaiden. I could have written almost the same post! Know that you're not alone, not by a long shot! If you haven't already done so, you might find Nick Krieger's book, "Nina Here Nor There," of interest. I devoured it! Although he had top surgery, takes T, adopted a "male" name, and uses male pronouns, his identity - that is, how he sees himself, as opposed to how society does - is not strictly "male."

Quote from: Aisla on November 24, 2014, 03:10:35 AM
Kaiden

Non binary refers to anyone who does not identify as 100% male or female.  Within this category there are many sub groups and descriptors.  While it may, at first seem necessary and desirable to fit within a specific category eg neutrois, demigirl, gender fluid, gender queer, tri gender, bi gender, androgyne etc I think the first task is to explore and to understand yourself.  Once you reach this point you have an opportunity to accept and to authentically express yourself.

Once you reach this stage then the desire to attach a label to yourself just seems unimportant.  This is why I like the descriptor m2me,  because to me my journey is to understand and to express my core, and that is by itself a unique category which may involve a range and mix of F and M gendered elements, some fluidity and is unique to me.

Safe travels

Aisla

Wise words, Thank you Aisla.
We all have our own journey, we all have our own vision.  How it is described is merely a heuristic.  It is neither complete nor accurate.  It is an approximation to allow conversation.  Sadly it also allows and even promotes the balkanization of community. 

My name is Julie Blair and I am sometimes maleish, sometimes femaleish, sometimes both or neither - just doesn't quite sound snappy enough though.

j

Quote from: Jak on November 24, 2014, 11:11:55 AM
I couldn't agree with you more, Kaiden. I could have written almost the same post! Know that you're not alone, not by a long shot! If you haven't already done so, you might find Nick Krieger's book, "Nina Here Nor There," of interest. I devoured it! Although he had top surgery, takes T, adopted a "male" name, and uses male pronouns, his identity - that is, how he sees himself, as opposed to how society does - is not strictly "male."

OP's genderfeelings are basically the same as mine, so I'm definitely gonna have to check this rec out. Thank you, Jak!

I have wondered if I might be genderfluid before, but I don't really think that's the case.  Demigendered is a term I haven't heard before, that sounds more in my direction, I think.

Thanks, Jak!  It's good to know I'm not alone!  I will have to check out that book you mentioned. 

You are right, Aisla.  Although it's nice to be able to put a word to it, I suppose at the end of the day that's all they really are - words.  And words don't necessarily always have the ability to fully describe what we feel.  In fact, a lot of the time it seems they can't even come close!

As it stands though, I've become pretty happy with who I am, no matter what label I stick on myself.  I'm still kind of trying to understand myself, but I've got a pretty clear idea of what I want and who I want to be, and that's a long way from where I was a year ago.   That in itself is kind of amazing, and I've got Susan's to thank for that.  Reading and relating to other people's thoughts and experiences has helped me become more centered on how I feel about myself - every complicated, confusing part of me  - and I'm coming understand myself more all the time.  So I'm gonna try to not overthink the labels so much. (There are so many!  It's kind of daunting. o.O)  But it's really good to know I'm not the only one who feels this way! 

Thanks again, all you wonderful people!

Wow.  I could have written this post - I feel the same way.  The responses I have read here make me feel so much better.  I am still coming to terms with how I feel about myself - this really helps!  I need to stop worrying about a particular label and just be true to myself!


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You have just described the definition of a Demiboy. Someone who identifies as male but also part something else (not female).

EDIT: Not that Im saying you have to identify that way. Just that there's a label out there that describes your experience. Therefore there's people out there who definitely relate to the sort of thing your going through.

Wow, I would've never thought there'd be so many people who feel the same way I do!  It's really good to know I'm not alone!

Tiffers, I'm glad my post generated some responses that helped you out.   And yes, screw the labels!  It's all about being true to yourself. 

...Although, I do kinda like the term 'Demiboy'.  I might just adopt that one, since apparently it describes me perfectly and also has a neat ring to it. xD  Thanks, AnonBear.