All right, that's it. I'm going to have to see some passports or other documents here. And you.........put the branding irons down. Yeah, you.

Sorry Dev, there hasn't been a good branding in ages and I got over-excited....

Hope you are having a shiny day!

Thank you for the warm welcome!

OK, so given a platform in which to write, I really don't know what to say. Hopefully what I do say is within this site's T&Cs and is not offensive to anyone here. I apologise in advance for any inappropriate comments, but if such comments are present they were written unwittingly and/or out of ignorance.

I've been CD-ing since the age of 7, but it wasn't until 2011 that I came out to my partner that I am trans, which was very messy and ended our very long relationship. I imagine that this scenario and all the factors that surround it are well known, so I won't go into huge detail.

Moving on from the breakup, I ended up going to a psychiatrist who said I was "gender fluid" and "gender dysphoric", adding that I might want to think about testing a course of hormones. I took his advice, sought out an endocrinologist and started a course of 100mcg Estradot patches, which I wore for two separate 6-month periods (a year dividing each). I love being on hormones, but I found that I couldn't push through the 6-month mark due to a number of factors, including: a psychological swing back to 'maleness' (weirdly), verging on irreversible physical changes and not being able to deal with coming out to others. I think my habit of keeping up a conservative appearance (to hide my long-held secret, perhaps) was another factor. I haven't been on any hormones for the last 2-years, but I've been thinking about going on them again.

I am currently sticking to my promise of telling potential love interests about my hidden life and alter ego. 4-months into a new relationship (with someone who at least knows I am trans), I let my new love know that I am not always comfortable being trans, as in my gender swings like a pendulum between 'maleness' and 'femaleness', where the twilight that exists mid swing can cause me some distress. She felt uncomfortable with this manifestation of being trans. She has been with a trans person before, but they apparently didn't suffer any dysphoria. Anyway, we're going to give it a shot anyway and see what happens. I just have to give her a heads-up if I am about to go on hormones, partly out of (good natured) investigative curiousity and partly out of "I'm packing my bags". I imagine those comments on their own seem pretty harsh, but these conditions are the product of many hours of negotiation.

Despite my dysphoria, and my swings back to 'maleness', my feminine drive is incredibly strong. Despite reading widely on the subject, I don't pretend to understand why or how I have this need to be female. I don't think there is enough data or suitably sized study cohorts to offer anything useful in this area. I frequently wish that I wasn't trans, because it takes up too much of my head space thinking about all aspects of it, from the latest academic theory to what lipstick best suits my skin tone. Or, more accurately, how and with what am I going to restock my purged wardrobe!

Hope to get to know some of you soon. Who knows, maybe somebody will reveal something I hadn't thought of.

Hello and welcome from western australia Servalan.

Paradise? Here? 

Hello Servalan and welcome to Susan's.

Servalan

I am not sure that we will reveal anything except that which used to be hidden from ourselves.  The experience of trans is a journey which is uniquely yours.  While we may have what may appear to be a similar narrative our understanding and expression of this will be uniquely ours.   However parts of our shared experience may resonate with you. 

Speaking as a non binary tending towards andro, a sense of situational fluidity and more interested in emotional comfort than physical change I had a similar experience the first time I was treated with hrt following years of CD-ing.  Like you I work in a conservative profession and cloaked myself in maleness and was a very good actor.

At the time I had been recently diagnosed as trans (no mention of a NB possibility) and started to race through the transition program.  Even after FFS, many hours of electro and a little body sculpting and great emotional benefit, the rate of physical change and a sense of loss of control caused me to stop.  18 months later I started again, this time I met with a number of therapists and deliberately chose to take it more slowly.

While the emotional benefits returned, my body again raced ahead. After discussion with my endo and considering/accepting the possibility that I was NB, I was encouraged to find the lowest dose of hrt which dealt with the dysphoria and minimised physical change.  I found this point of equilibrium and have oscillated  around this for the past 3 years with great results.  I am no longer preoccupied with or dealing with dysphoria and the associated distress, and again have a much richer emotional experience and more authentic sense of self. At the same time I had a bilateral breast reduction and completed the removal of my beard and of most body hair.

At this point I am in a good place.  My marriage, career and key relationships have survived the journey, but this remains an ongoing project.  Like you, initial physical change caused me to stop then hesitate.  My wife has also stepped back from her initial opposition to hrt and acknowledges the benefits to me and to our relationship.  If I chose a full transition and/or binary F presentation she would leave, but all other combinations now appear to be possible.  Having said this, even minor changes such as longer hair, shaped eyebrows, more andro clothing, use of neutral cosmetics and makeup have provided great benefit.  I have now come out to more than 30 family members, friends, colleagues and clients with nothing but a positive response.

Servalan, I am not sure if the above reveals much more than the surprising twists and turns that some journeys may take.  The  search for identity, acceptance, expression and authenticity of self and soul is not one that I can now deny.  It requires just one step at a time,  there is no need to commit to a pre determined direction or schedule.  Take your time, be thoughtful and you will find yourself
Safe travels

Aisla

Hi Servalan,

Welcome to our little family. Over 14500 members. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.


Janet  )O(

Hello from the Gold Coast. I hate this country, so unsure why everyone talks it up......... Anyways, welcome.... I'm new but not, took a break from here cause it started getting depressing for me. Trez is my name, just so you know

Missed a few new Aussies!

For those who don't know (Hee Hee) I'm also from the trans land down under

I am from Melbourne, Australia

Much belated greetings to newcomers in here.

And yeah, Trez, I kinda agree, this place sucks.... Getting out of here next year to try and find my place in the world, cause this place sure doesn't feel like it to me!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Another new Aussie here, just starting to find my way in Sydney. If think there are plenty of worse places, either just to live or if you are tackling transition. I have a great (non-transitioned) life and have found good support so far from local Trans groups.

Hope you find your way