Hey so I'm a cisgender lesbian and I'm 19. I have a girlfriend who is transgender, and she's 21.

Basically, I'm getting really really scared for her. I know I need to try to keep calm and everything, but I just am terrified that she'll get hurt by some uneducated person who doesn't understand who she is. She's pre op, and pre everything right now. She's really feminine and likes to wear pink dresses. Lol. But every time she goes out in one, I'm just so scared for her. She's never worn one to school (she's coming back to my college in the Fall, but she's not currently there), because she's too scared she'll get harassed/bullied. I've gotten bullied pretty badly in college, just for being a lesbian (I reported it to the administration and it's taken care of). But I know she's scared. She doesn't wear feminine clothing to formal events, and she doesn't do it at all at school. The farthest she's gone at school is wearing a feminine top with men's pants and women's heels. A lot of people who don't know her think she's a gay guy, and are shocked when they find out she's not.

Unfortunately, she doesn't pass at all yet. She's planning on coming out next Fall, when she comes back to school. She's also going to change her gender on Facebook. At least that's the plan.

Even with school pushed aside, I'm just so scared someone will try to rape her, or assault, or even kill her. Trans women have a really high chance of that happening.

I also have really bad anxiety (which I'm on medication for), but every day I just get so scared for her. I know I have no right in telling her what to wear or what to do with her life, and I wouldn't want to control her anyway, but I just want her to be safe. I want her to be able to pass, and to live her life in the best way possible.

I'm honestly just so scared for my girlfriend. This is a person I deeply love. She's my best friend, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I know I can't keep living in fear. But I can't help it.

Can someone help?? This is tearing me apart.

Thanks so much <3 <3

I think all you can do is let her transition, pray for the best, and support her No matter who you are, there's always risks just being alive. Not sure where you live, but I've personally never been beat up or raped. I've been living as a girl for four years, so I still doubt it's gonna happen. People really don't care much about tgirls in this day & age. Just love & support her & pray for the best

I've been in a similar situation last year when I was finishing my undergrad. People would talk about me and I lost many of my friends. However, now that I'm in grad. school and out to my academic department I've been treated with respect. I've never received any physical threats and I go to a more conservative school. I pass better now, so I don't have to deal people talking about me in school as much.

I have a MtF friend that also goes to the same college and she hasn't had to endure any harassment. I haven't seen her in awhile, but I'm sure she passes better now than at the end of last year.

Edit: She also is a lesbian, so she may have to deal with homophobia later on.

I think it's so sweet that your worried about her. As you know, the risks can be higher for someone who is Trans. But I also think regardless of being Trans, their are still risks in going out to a club at night. I mean, even a cis girl can find herself in trouble if the correct precautions aren't taken.

So for me, I look at the risks associated with being trans as being somewhat similar to risks I've faced in the past. And so I take similar precautions. If I'm going out totally enfemme, I make sure I go to a Trans friendly establishment, a gay bar is perfect for this. If I'm just going about my day, well I don't go out in a dress, but I do wear female clothesl, their just quite androgynous and not to girly. I just look like a femme gay guy, and so no one bothers me.

The number one priority for me is to keep myself and my family safe. And so that means not taking unnecessary risks. I think it really sux I can't just be myself everywhere, but this is the society we live in. There will be a day in the not to distant future when I will 'pass', and so all this worry can be toned down a little. Your girlfriend I'm sure too will at some point be able to 'pass' or simply just 'blend in'.

But until then I will be somewhat cautious so as to keep myself and my family safe.

Bree xx

Wow. I'm so sorry you have to live like that. I know you want to keep yourself and your family safe, so I understand why. But I just think that would be way too hard for her to do. She wants surgery (especially surgery on top) more than anything. She needs to transition for her wellbeing. I really just want the best for her.

Thanks so much for the reply. <3

Quote from: J441 on November 28, 2014, 11:58:06 PM
Wow. I'm so sorry you have to live like that. I know you want to keep yourself and your family safe, so I understand why. But I just think that would be way too hard for her to do. She wants surgery (especially surgery on top) more than anything. She needs to transition for her wellbeing. I really just want the best for her.

Thanks so much for the reply. <3

She needs to get on HRT yesterday to STOP T poisoning... AND get a qualified counselor IF needed.... No way she should do the boobs without at least a year or two on HRT.... Likely at her age she will grow her own in time on the right HRT...

You're so cute but you're worrying too much.

There are a ton of things that both of you can do: move to lgtb-friendly places, diet, exercise, hrt, cosmetic surgeries, voice training... Just give it time, there are plenty of resources if you're enough patient and tenacious.

Quote from: J441 on November 28, 2014, 11:58:06 PM
Wow. I'm so sorry you have to live like that. I know you want to keep yourself and your family safe, so I understand why. But I just think that would be way too hard for her to do. She wants surgery (especially surgery on top) more than anything. She needs to transition for her wellbeing. I really just want the best for her.

Thanks so much for the reply. <3

Well I'm a single parent with four children ranging between 4 and 11, so the last thing I want is some crazy dude hassling us out. But it won't be long for me, just working through my transition plan. HRT, Psychologist,  Hair Removal, Trachea Shave, Speech Therapy, FFS, then full time, yay! And all the way through just looking after myself, so eating well and keeping fit.

Your girlfriend can do a lot of these things now, and they all go towards the total package.

Quote from: Eva on November 29, 2014, 12:16:41 AM
She needs to get on HRT yesterday to STOP T poisoning... AND get a qualified counselor IF needed.... No way she should do the boobs without at least a year or two on HRT.... Likely at her age she will grow her own in time on the right HRT...

Totally agree Eva, no way I'd be getting my boobs done until I've let the HRT do their magic. And the Counselling was something I started with and would say it's the best place to start for most.

So is it better for her to wait to grow her boobs on hormones, and then decide if she wants implants? I just don't want to slow down the process. She really wants boobs like really badly.

Quote from: J441 on November 29, 2014, 01:11:45 AM
So is it better for her to wait to grow her boobs on hormones, and then decide if she wants implants? I just don't want to slow down the process. She really wants boobs like really badly.

It's much like a cis girl starting pubity, then getting breast implants before the breast has fully developed. Definetly ask her to wait. She may end up with an F cup otherwise 

Oh lol. Okay I will. Thanks

Hello J441! I'm gonna call you Susan, cos it's easier to say.

So I just wanted to come on and wish you all the best, from one cis girlfriend to another. (My situation's slightly different, I think, in that for a long time I thought my partner was the opposite sex; only now do I know differently).

I understand all your concerns, and I share them. I have health problems that cause me immense tiredness, yet since my girlfriend started going out full-time, I've gone everywhere with her... because I am too protective. Lately she's started going out alone sometimes, like to uni, and that makes me terrified. I sit at home trying not to panic, though luckily she understands my need for regular texts to update me when a) she reaches her destination, and b) she's about to walk home. Then I can look out the window for her and check there aren't any bad neighbours around when she's coming into view. Maybe you can ask your girlfriend to text you, too, because tbh that's what my girlfriend had always asked of *me* if I had to travel anywhere alone. Girls need to look out for each other.

Anyway, the thing is, although this tale might sound stressful, I have to say it does get easier. She's had nothing but acceptance at uni (especially from staff), and the more she goes out alone, the more I'm learning that she's okay. And I think as long as she isn't out by herself on a night-time, I'll be happy in future (and one day she'll pass *really* well, hurray!!!). She needs her independence, and I need to help her by giving her it. She's struggled enough to find herself after breaking free of her masculine shell and false macho-ness. It's the best thing for her to be out alone if the area's okay.

So... I would say that what you're feeling is natural (it's understandable to be cautious, and NEVER STOP BEING CAUTIOUS!), just... learn when it's okay NOT to be cautious. Take your foot off the peddle and trust in *her* judgement and ability to take care of herself. You can't live with such stress, and she wouldn't want you to. You both want a long, happy life together.

And on a side note, you sound amazing. Keep fighting for your girlfriend because there'll be times she needs it, especially if she's pre-HRT. Keep her going, yet don't be afraid to ask for the same when she's having a rough time. You both need to support each other and keep talking through the rough times. Focus on the goal: one day you'll both walk out and no one will bat an eye, and she'll be the happiest she's ever been.

And so..... GOOD LUCK, both of you. I wish you all the best. xxx

P.S. I hope I didn't sound preachy or anything. I just haven't been able to get here in a few months, so it's nice to be back. And I have a bad habit of waffling when I'm happy. 

P.P.S - you need to be the one to slow down your girlfriend if she's a little too eager. Get her to wait for the effects of HRT before making *any* surgical changes. It can take a year or two to see how HRT will feminise her (and some here will say longer, even!). Just... get her on HRT, then enjoy the ride together as you see changes happen. It's exciting.

Starting with a breast augmentation surgery is a really bad way to start. This should be one of the last things in trasition. She should start with finding a proper gender therapist yesterday, continue with facial hair removal as soon as possible, start immediately with voice training, make-up practicing and overall apperance like hair, eyebrows, care of skin, etc... starting hormones asap is essential, as it will take basically a year or two before any changes become really prominent and do its magic help with passing. If she's not passable now pre-everything, mostly due to her facial features and structure, it is highly likely she won't just magically become passable with a year or two of hormones... and you should start saving for her FFS, as even partial FFS can cost around $15,000 or more. minumum 2 years on hormones is essential before even thinking about top surgery. So, yes it is a process, rather a long one... if only there would be a magic wand

Honestly, if she wears high heels and pink dresses it is not weird to draw all the attention and be at risk. The individuals get picked out of even when people don't intend to.

It might be a good idea to look for clothes that suit her, which make her look more feminine but not like a doll. Look at trends, styles and make her (with small steps) wear what suits her. It might not is something she wants to hear but being pre-everything, I strongly doubt she will pass in a pink dress and high heels. Even a cis girl would probably draw a lot of negative reactions that way.

Well, if she is not on HRT, she should get on it right away. She should also tone down her style. I could see cis girls getting bullied for wearing a frilly pink dress, unless of course it's really cute and hip. My questions would be what steps is he taking to move her transition along faster. Next fall seems like a long time away, and constantly being harassed could lead to relationship problems. She should get her facial hair, if she has any, zapped asap. Plus HRT. Then after a couple months she should start dressing more femme. It's a marathon not a sprint so it seems like she should slow it down if she is in any danger and being bullied. The above suggestion of moving to a more LGBT friendly place, one with a clinic, could make all the difference. Just my two cents. 

Thank you so so much Kitty. That was really heartfelt and it helped a lot. You didn't sound preachy at all. Thank you so much!! xx

Starting HRT as soon as possible makes sense for her to prevent any further male development. The earlier one starts, the faster and easier it is to pass in the future. Likewise, enhancement of any kind does not make sense until the hormones have had a chance to work - a process that takes several years, although some changes are usually evident within a few months.

My fashion advice in this situation would be clothing shaped in such a way as to make her look more feminine, but at the same time not too eye-catching as to draw attention to non-passing features. Plain female clothing should suffice. When I dress that way, it raises my self-confidence so much that I simply dismiss the sneers from people who see me as a cross-dressing guy, figuring the problem is theirs, and I am otherwise very modest. Neutral male clothing makes sense in situations of heightened concern or when secrecy is necessary.

My one word of caution about permanent hair removal is that, as long as T is being produced, it may not be truly permanent depending on the method used. I am personally waiting until my T has been suppressed for 6 continuous months, to be assured that my investment is not wasted.

It is sounding to me like you are the ONLY one that is worried for her. Is she worried for herself and her safety?

I am envious of people who have an FTW attitude. Buy having been on the receiving side of a lot of bullying and teasing I am well entrenched in the "Keeping a low profile" camp. Depending on where you live there are a lot of angry people that need very little reason to give you a beat down, or worse.

Quote from: JoanneB on November 29, 2014, 10:37:27 AM
I am envious of people who have an FTW attitude. Buy having been on the receiving side of a lot of bullying and teasing I am well entrenched in the "Keeping a low profile" camp. Depending on where you live there are a lot of angry people that need very little reason to give you a beat down, or worse.

In terms of teasing, I was always teased as a child and teenager, and even occasionally attacked, and it was mostly because I was in the wrong body. My interests and attitude were just so different from the boys' thought processes, that they could not understand me, and saw me as an easy target for relieving their own insecurities. People told me the bullies would stop if I fought back, but that was not an option for me given my peaceful nature and lack of physical strength. If I had not been living in a male body with male clothing, I would not have been subjected to that teasing, which really did take an emotional toll. Transitioning sooner, when passing would have been easier, would have helped. The fact is that all non-conforming people are vulnerable to this. Being a weird guy is no easier than being a trans-female, and is much less rewarding from an emotional perspective. Hiding the truth and trying to pass as normal in the wrong gender is impractical because that is not what we are. 

I was vulnerable to emotional distress caused by teasing because I hated myself already. There will always be people who won't accept me for transitioning, but is that really any different from the way I lived before? The only difference is the confidence I now have because I am no longer hiding myself. Knowing I am finally being true to myself renders others' thoughts less relevant, even though I am still not good at passing. Yes, I am still very self-conscious, but at least I try to be the best person I can, which is probably more than they do. Transitioning may not stop the haters, but it certainly does help when it comes to coping with them - for me, at least.