As if being trans isn't difficult enough, another thing we deal with is being unable to give birth... this single issue alone, can make cis woman depressed. I think I am too, on top of being trans already. How to deal with it? Ever since surgery I have been thinking about it. Unable to have children of my own, being infertile too, is something that hits me hard emotionally. Strangely, I also thought about adopting a child. It seems it runs that deep... but given my already fragile state of mind psychologically, I probably won't be able to deal with adopting a child as well. While I can reason my way out of the situation by thinking that children are a nuisance and and all, when I am honest, I feel very maternal sometimes. I can't deny feelings, can I...

How do you cope? do you want children? adoption?

I dealt with it by having kids before I started transition. Well I would like to think that was intentional but it's not but it worked out I guess.

Adoption is not a bad option. Many kids need love. I swore I would never do it myself but now maybe if I split from my wife and remarry (to a man) I may want to.

I am fortunate to have two kids but that is still not the same as getting and being pregnant and then giving birth.  I dreamed of having my own babies and it is reasonable and understandable that many of us do.  You have already considered the adoption option and it is a good one.  Becoming a foster parent is another way.  Those are longer term arrangements and in the meanwhile do you have friends or relatives with babies you might get to know or babysit?

I got as close to my dreams as possible by working in labor and delivery with pregnant moms, babies at all hours and a mostly female staff.  But that comes with high stress too and like real parenting it is a lot of work.  And then after my own kids grew up a neighbor boy sort of adopted me.  My wife reads with kids at the local grade school.  Not the same, I know, but there are ways to love and be with children in need.

Feeling maternal and wanting to nurture a baby is beautiful.  Hold yourself and that special desire tight to your heart.  Denying our feelings didn't work for being trans and it isn't helpful for much else either IMO.

I banked some, um, reproductive cells before starting to transition, but that does not usually work anyway; it was mostly to make me feel better.

With that said, being myself is far more important to me than ever having a child. I feel the need to care about someone, a need that only grows stronger with hormonal changes, but for me that need is not specifically maternal. I will probably never care for a child given the emotional strain and financial burden it would impose; I hope to have enough time and sanity to take care of myself and be the best woman I can be, and a child would take that away from me.

I actually used to babysit years ago with my ex MIL, like when I was 21. I enjoyed it a lot. The kids loved me and their parents did too. One of them was a dentist from Korea studying at NYU. My ex wife was annoyed because I actually was more loving and caring than her so she stopped doing it. Little did she know, lol.

Would have loved to birth my own child, but genetics has not allowed...

But in my life I am leaving I have kids and grandkids... This has been the difficult and emotion swinging side to try and work through.

L Katy

It feels so empty, not being able to. But this feeling of alienation and aloneness isn't something new... I know the void all too well. Not being able to connect to other people anymore and being abandoned for being who I am, sometimes I just don't know how to proceed with my life.

Maybe one day I can adopt child. First I need to take care of myself, and get a life of my own. I would not want to put a child through the things I went through as a child, such as poverty and a broken family. Maybe one day when I am ready for it.

Quote from: PinkCloud on November 29, 2014, 10:25:52 AM
How do you cope? do you want children? adoption?

I console myself that millions of cisgender woman go through the same thing I do - raising kids who someone else gave birth to. It's a very female feeling to want to give birth, and so in one more small way, I've achieved my goal of becoming a woman.

Interesting that now that I have a vagina, the desire to give birth has gotten stronger, as if my body now knows it has the appropriate openings. Of course, at 53, even as a fertile cis woman, the odds would have been long.

If you can adopt and think you're up to raising kids, go for it. I've raised two wonderful children and I wouldn't have missed it, even if they came from someone else's body.

I think about having my own children too but in reality that isn't happening. So I take solace in the idea that I could adopt or maybe find a boyfriend who already has kids. Being a childcare worker, I already know that children seem to gravitate towards me. If it turns out that I adopt... then that is a good thing as the child/ren will have a loving mother that will be always there for them.

Going into transition I thought I was fine with the reality of not having children. I mean honestly I'd rather adopt than use my own *natural* genetic material. But as I get further into it and its been a longer time on Hrt, the fact that I can not get pregnant or give birth makes me sadder than I ever thought I would. Admittedly I'm a bit young for kids, and had I been cis I certainly would not want to be a mother for at least another 12 yrs or so XD

Regardless of all of that I can still adopt!
So that's some comfort at least :p
And that's a while away anyways

Personally I'm not bothered by it-the world is full of kids who need loving homes, and we have a population problem as is.  Just because the child you raise doesn't have your eyes doesn't mean they aren't yours-and just because they are your flesh and blood doesn't mean you are their mother or father.  I've always thought it would be nice to run a foster home for queer children, but I doubt I'll ever have the time.  I'm not even slightly bothered by the fact that I'm never going to have to squeeze a 7lb person out of a hole that is way to small for it. 

when i first started with my transition, this did not bother me that i could not have kids... i was young and single...

As the hormones did there thing, i started becoming a little broody

now... i have met a wonderful man, and i am a little sad, that i cant have his children someday.. I know he wants a big family someday... we can adopt and he is fine with that.. he says,, that child will be very lucky to have the home we can give him or her...

But i still would have love to be pregnant his child... and giving birth.. woman have told me, its painful.. but a beautiful experience. I really want  to experience that. Even being pregnant i am told is uncomfortable at time, but a wonderful experience... that one part of the female experience we cant have. ... maybe science will help.. a lot of work in transplants wombs and uterus's is been performed.. so maybe..

Thank you for posting this Pinkcloud. I came to the forum today just to write about my feelings on this topic; it's definitely something that bothers me on a daily basis and makes me feel downright batty. I hate feeling an instinct to do something (have kids) that is impossible for me to do.

I'm in Obstetrics class in nursing school, and the course/material has been tearing me apart.   At home when I do my work I've had to stop reading the textbook several times to cry. I find myself procrastinating out of fear of the material and how badly it hurts. Then I have to force myself to face reality and do the dang work...so I just keep learning about all of these things miraculous processes that will never happen to me. It really bums me out.

In the hospital you see gosh, everything...neonates, infants, pregnant women, ultrasounds, deliveries. While I am genuinely happy for those patients and families, at days end it's all I can do to make it to my car before I start to cry. I feel cheated, as if some divine power found me unworthy to bear children.

That's why I am also wondering what to do about this sore subject...

I almost didnt want to click on this topic, since I know it makes me cry. When I transitioned in the late 1990ies I was young and thought that I dont want to have kids anyways. Too much to live and do in life, no room for kids plus there is already overpopulation, so I didnt give it much of a thought - it would not have mattered anyways since there was not much I could change about that I cannot have kids. But as I gotten older and nearing the 40ies, I felt more and more the pain that this is not possible. My sister was similar - did not consider kids before but now she is about my age closing in on 40, she also was getting all "broody". Her advantage of course is that she can. She has a husband and the body that enables her to give birth. I held the little baby in my arms when he was just some weeks old and I had to really hold me back to not cry. I was happy for her of course, but I also was reminded of my barrenness. I know many other women share this issue, its good to know I am not alone in a way but it does not really take away the pain. I considered adoption but of course it would never be the same as to be pregnant with your own child.
Since i am not having a boyfriend or husband, I cannot really do this anyways now, for practical reasons - fulltime work and caring for a small kid is not great - for th ekid and for me - and also adoption is usually given only to people who have a good environment for the kid. A single woman who has a history of transsexuality is something that would rank rather low on the list of desired recipients for an adoption

So I dont know really how to have some part in that side of life. I can see my sisters baby boy grow up, thats certainly nice. I wondered sometimes if I can move to some place that has very close community where people care for each others children and that way when I am in granny-age I could maybe just be a bit like a granny then - at least that...

But now, it is really sad. I broke down in tears this year when I talked to a woman about the issue that many women feel unwomanly in this time and she was trying to get  together a circle of women to celebrate femaleness again with stories and some activities. I told her that I cannot give birth though and she looked at me with a sad look and took my hand , asking me if I can be sure. I told her that I am 100% sure and totally cried right there. It was a bit embarrasing but also relieving - so I guess to talk about this to other women may actually help with the pain - almost every woman will understand the pain of being infertile and give you the empathy.

I just completely broke down today. In church I saw a woman with her few months old child and she was hugging him and it was clear they had a bond. I mean I have a bond with my kids, in fact they cling to me more than their mom but I will never be "mom." That said I am grateful for them and I hope they will always be affectionate to me. I did have a lot of firsts with them, I fed them, changed diapers, held their tiny hands in the NICU, and I was the first to see them when they were born.

So WEIRD.

Today was the 1st day in my entire life I ever wonder about having babies... like Im missing out of something. Its bizarre... but its like... whats my purpose...

Thank you all for the insightful and heartfelt replies. I know it is a tough subject...

There are many things we cannot change, this is one of them. But at least adoption is still a way of making an impossible situation happen anyway. The likelihood I will be picked as a possible mother candidate is currently slim. But the thought of being able to foster/adopt a child in the near future, is comforting in some sense. But indeed, I have to have my own life in order before I am able to help someone else and adopt a child.

Fyi I read a article years ago on this subject

Embryos are parasites in nature and can be grown in a male body.

Only issue is increase safety of the host health and space needed for growth.

It said it could grow to viable stage and be taken via c section and neonatal care.

So finding somewhere to have it done?

How do you deal with it? You learn to accept it. It doesn't mean it does't hurt or that it gets easier over time, but if you accept it you realise that you're not alone. Many women can't have children, it doesn't stop them being womin, because you know biology is not destiny and having babies isn't the sole reason for womin's existence.

Mrs. Izzy,

I have thought about something like that and the first thing I think is that it would have to be proven safe for the baby.