Sorry for the personal question, I just like to try and understand things. I started because it was either jumping off my apartment building or living what was left of the time I have on this planet naturally, but it's a lot more complicated  than that. I've lived with this twisted burden since I was 4. My whole life has been so severely affected by this condition every conscious waking moment for 60 years. Because of how society has been I wasn't able to get the help I needed which prevented my being shown the proper path I could of taken. thankfully things are slowly changing. The opportunity presented itself 13 months ago and I chose to save my life. I've wanted to be a woman since consciousness at 4 years old. I've lived my life the best I could with Christ's loving hand. I'm sorry for this rant, but I need to get it out to people who can understand. I need to let this burden out and be the woman I've always been.(disclaimer: sorry for bringing my personal belief system into the dialogue ,it's just a part of me. this question is not in any way intended  to cause harm, if said question is misinterpreted in any fashion other  then a benign search for helpful information I am truly sorry.) thanks for letting me rant I truly appreciate it.

Stephanie you are one of our queens of nicely provocative questions.  As I understand the question you are asking why we transition and whether we felt we had to or wanted to?  If that's correct, my answer is that I had too and then wanted to.  Yes there are choices.  Like living in some tormented mental hell or getting real about being ourselves.  I firmly believe dysphoria is persistent and progressive.  It never got any better but only stronger for me until I got into therapy and transition. 

A much happier girl is my result.

I transitioned because it felt like the right thing to do. I remember trying super hard to see myself as a guy when I was older but I couldn't. I just remember seeing this woman always pop up in my head that I felt like I was supposed to be.

it was either transition or suicide for me..Living as that fake person was killing me, I couldn't continue to lie myself. In my situation I knew when I was really young, I was just terrified of facing that truth for so long due to a bunch of factors like my machismo culture, teachers, peers and so on. I guess that's what hurts the most for me is that I wasn't completely ignorant of my situation and yet I continued to deny until I ultimately broke down and finally decided I needed to transition or choose the other option, which isn't much of an option.

I knew what I was so many years ago but did not know there was a viable solution so I manned it out my whole life. But when I knew the option available, in a relativly safe healthhy solution, I still tried to man it out but the angst became progressivly worse. I had to take that step and begin HRT or begin to have serious psychological problems. Today I am so much at peace with myself and will have my srs in April next year. Never would consider suicide its not in my dna.

StephanieC,
For me its knowing that if I do not transition soon, then I know I will live many years with regret and sorrow for what I should have done. I have went into cardiac arrest a few times as I have a severe heart condition that constantly reminds me that life can be taken away at the drop of a dime. I realized that life really is to short and unpredictable and that day, when it inevitably comes, that I close my eyes for the last time I do not want the last thought to be I never became the women I was meant to become. I have been lucky so far and am very grateful. Sometimes I just look into the sky or stare at the stars and laugh and say "Not today life, not today...." Always be kind, everyone has a story This is my conviction....

Sorry so grim,
-Iliana mtf

I just wonder why it takes some so long to figure things out and then stop with the denial. 

Quote from: Lady_Oracle on December 01, 2014, 10:01:18 PM
it was either transition or suicide for me..Living as that fake person was killing me, I couldn't continue to lie myself. In my situation I knew when I was really young, I was just terrified of facing that truth for so long due to a bunch of factors like my machismo culture, teachers, peers and so on. I guess that's what hurts the most for me is that I wasn't completely ignorant of my situation and yet I continued to deny until I ultimately broke down and finally decided I needed to transition or choose the other option, which isn't much of an option.

Latina, too? I understand the machismo part lol Never really gave a ->-bleeped-<- though

I personally never identified with anything, until I was about 32. I just didn't know. I ran into so much problems being a male, because I could not be like other males. I discovered I wasn't one, because of trying too hard. It never came natural. I did not consciously try to be male from a woman points of view, I actually thought or convinced myself I was one. Until everything became so extremely complex, that I could only shatter. In retrospect I can say that there were many signs in my childhood. But I was simply in denial, and maybe even ignorant.

There are a great many factors that kept me from transitioning when I was younger, too many to go into without delving into my life story. Suffice to say that some people can't simply figure things out and move forward. I started when I was at a point where I could.

It was that or put a bullet in my heart and I want to see the new Hobbit and Star Wars movies too much for that.

 

Quote from: Susan522 on December 01, 2014, 10:41:05 PM
I just wonder why it takes some so long to figure things out and then stop with the denial. 

Quote from: Wynternight on December 01, 2014, 11:53:18 PM
There are a great many factors that kept me from transitioning when I was younger, too many to go into without delving into my life story. Suffice to say that some people can't simply figure things out and move forward.

Hmmm....Well.  I guess that will have to suffice.

It was mostly because I was depressed when I saw women just being themselves and being happy.

My story, to a point is similar to your Stephanie... I knew I was a girl by the time I was 6... but didn't know where to go, was to scared to tell mum and dad... its just a phase... I always wanted to be the Damsel in distress when playing with my brothers... Used to shave my legs around 6... must have seen mum do it, or something on TV... In hindsight would have been thrown into the Looney bin. Today, very different story (wish I'd been born in last 30 years, but then again I might not be who I am  )

So here I am about the same age, needing to fully transition, I do not want to spend the rest of my life in wrong physical body... why has it taken so long to get here?
So many reasons, probably all meaningful at the time, but meaningless now, because in doing so I will damage kids and grandkids lives and after 40 odd years of marriage completely alienate my partner... I will be rejected by all, I am sure... Then I need to confidently pass as a woman

So not quite there yet, working out the final steps.... Sure will be turning my back on a lot, but I can't contemplate not being a women for the rest of my life!

L Katy

I'd not identified as a gender untill this year. I think a big part of it became clear after breaking up with my last GF. We both really enjoyed each others company but it became obvious over time our connection was more like best friends then lovers. That made me think over all my previous relationships and realise that it's never worked out because I despise being referred to as a man/BF and I'm not sexually attracted to women. From there I knew I wanted to transition to be more feminine but still hadn't accepted yet that I was transsexual, it was only after a month or so of dressing the part full time that it then clicked and I said I'm female and it then became a need to transition. My ex is now the most supportive person in my transitioning and having her as my best friend, being able to be so open and enjoy girly things together has already made me feel finally find my true self has been 1000% worthwhile, not to mention how nice it is to not actually just enjoy being around crowds of people and not feel anxious in just talking to anyone, I was so much more reserved before. I know I'm not seen as genetically female but I rarely get a bad reaction from anyone and am afforded the correct pronouns and courtesies when I make my chosen gender clear to see. Maybe I'm just really naive and just can't read between the lines and yes sometimes I cry and wonder just how much people actually accept me but I know I feel so much more accepted now then I ever did before... Sorry I think I went off track 'hugsies' xx

Quote from: ImagineKate on December 02, 2014, 04:25:14 AM
It was mostly because I was depressed when I saw women just being themselves and being happy.

Must admit this is a me too... mainly over last 10 years as my drive has gotten stronger.... its really painful right now not being able to be one...

L Katy

Quote from: katrinaw on December 02, 2014, 07:20:55 AM
Must admit this is a me too... mainly over last 10 years as my drive has gotten stronger.... its really painful right now not being able to be one...

L Katy

Yeah well this was part of the tipping point. I have always known. Gotten caught CDing a few times. Encouraged to and enabled to CD by a couple of cousins/aunts who said I looked pretty good as a girl, even tying a curtain up and pretending it was my long hair lol.

For me, it was the cumulative effect of spending quarter of century playing a role I was sick to death of. A role that made me feel completely imprisoned and made me want to die, and each passing year, it became a bit tougher - from the surrender of androgyny at puberty, through to the drugs and alcohol I used to numb myself, to the relationships that had no option other than to fail because I could never be open about my feelings to a partner, the self-hate and feeling that I was just a psycho because that's what the loud and obnoxious transphobic elements of society drill into you and reinforce by only presenting transgender people in a bitterly negative light....

All of that. All of that pain and pressure; it just built up and built up, and it got to the point where I knew that if I didn't start to transition, I was not going to live much longer. Thanks to circumstances that have nothing to do w/ gender, my life collapsed over the course of this year, to the point where the life I am living and the person I am now only bears a tangental similarity to where I was at this time a year ago.

My biggest crutch in dealing with all this has been my transition. Having the guts to finally make the change has likely saved my life a few times over the course of this year, because when it felt like EVERYTHING else was lost, I finally had hope.

Transition, Want or Need?  It began as need, but is now embraced.  To explain: My life was never bad. I've always had enough. I've lived, travelled, loved, walked, run, ridden across three continents. I've studied, read, acted, built, lit, destroyed, wept, laughed, drank, drugged, learned, forgot, rejected and been rejected. I have been bullied, beaten, arrested, released, won and lost. I have stood up to hate without fear because I hoped I would die.

All of it vanity, all except for the last two years fundamentally alone. I have been at rock festivals, surrounded by music and people, alone. I have danced in clubs, sung songs, made love to both men and women, alone. Solitude was my mantra; Isolation my muse. I have felt lonely, angry, different and afraid virtually every day of my life. I have died in my soul, only to be reborn and to weep at the resurrection. I have silently cried, sometimes with a smile on my face.

I have held and loved babies. I have played with dogs. I have befriended cats, horses, alpacas, and sheep. I have knit friendships and rent the fabric of loving care. For me that is dysphoria. That is what knowing that you are fundamentally wrong, but refusing to acknowledge, even to yourself much less psychiatrists and psychologists, who who are. That is the bullet proof persona of the dying.

Finally I could bear no more and began to seek, as the final meander before I found death by my own hand, the truth about who I was. I did not want to finally embrace the peace and stillness of oblivion without finding and getting to know that spark of the infinite that I sensed was present. I began to look for Julie.

I love her. She is light and she is hope. She could not have been saved without Susan's; She would not exist without HRT; She could not continue to evolve without my lovers here. It is not the venue, it is the people and the chemistry. It is the selfless giving of time and love by people who only know me through prose. It is finding a home where loneliness loses its authority, and its attraction. I have much to do, I have work to be done and I need no longer do it alone, sequestered within battlements of my own making.

Fair Winds,
Julie

overall, ive been able to do decently for myself.  sure im not making much, but ive always had bills covered, been able to afford whatever i wanted, and still have money left over.  no family ofcourse though.  had multiple things i could fall back on, and plans.  and yet, even though my life was going very well for someone in their 20's  compared to most people, i was miserable.  hating my body, and myself.  feeling completely out of place and unable to be myself and act as i truely want without facing ridicule.    i dont feel i can be myself as i am now physically.  ive always identified more feminine, and never really cared for being a guy.  ive always wished i could be a girl instead, and used online games as a outlet to express myself in a mostly anonymous enviroment. 

id been able to keep it handled through games, and by generally keeping myself so busy that i had no opportunity to think about it.  till i had my accident where i ended up with almost 4 months, with nothing to do, but think about things.  where everything that had just been building up little by little over the last 10-15 years.  all of a sudden the floodgates were let open and i realized i had to do something.   it felt like as i am now, i am a shell of who i actually am supposed to be just going through the motions, and some part of me, the part id been keeping down below, who i truely am, was going to die if i didnt do something about it.

so for me, after realizing what it was id been feeling for so long, and having the opportunity to explore myself during those months.  i quickly realized it was a need to switch before who i truly am goes from being buried in hiding, to no longer existing.

Ohhhh what a lovely question. Topics like these is why i'm here in the first place. : ] Ever sense I was little I felt something was wrong. I always had dreams of my self as a girl rather then a boy and when I was about 6 years old I would get into my sisters clothing when my mother was sleeping and she was at school. I never had many friends at school and when I did it was hard for me to keep them because I couldn't be my self around then. When I entered my teen age years it was the worst and horrific thing ever. Seeing the cis woman get more and more beautiful was a hard thing to take and it worsen my depression. when I got to 11 grade is when I started home schooling. Latter that year around late November I told my mother I always felt like a woman and want to die or change. So the same day the word got out to my brother, sister and father and well and they wanted nothing to do with me for about a month . The idea started to absorb after about a month and my Brother, sister and mother became supportive of my choice to live the rest of my days as a woman. It took my father probly a year to see I was serious about it and come around to love me again. The following Summer I changed my name to Ademie and was enjoying life as a woman (Pre hrt still) After the summer was over I got my first job in a deli with some wonderful ladys. Only the boss knew I was transgender as I have told her in my interview. I was very slim at the time with a very soft voice and a nice face shape. So as far as I could tell no one questioned that I wasn't a cis female. But any ways I worked that job for a little over a year and started Hrt my 11th month into the job. I got my first boyfriend 2 months into hrt. He was a real nice man but we had little in common so I broke it off. Plus he smoked like 3 packs a day and I hate smoking... yuck! After that we are pretty much to current date and on the 4th on December is my 3rd full month on the lady pill <3

Thanks for reading and have a lovely day,

Ademie ^- ^