Hi there, this might be a bit long because I want to fully explain myself.

To start off, I'd say I'm completely and utterly confused. About a year ago I began to have feelings that led me to start cross-dressing and yada yada. Now I didn't think I was transgender/sexual at the time, but as the months passed I began to do a lot of research. I've gone through many, many stories on YouTube and I've read different "symptoms" (<for lack of a better word) that seemed to coincide with me, but at the same time I can't seem to tell who I am anymore. I know I have girly moments, but a part of me says that I'm not- Part of me says that I should have been a male. However another part of me says I'm acting stupid and that whatever these feelings are, are a dumb phase. I've been unhappy with my body for a long time, only because I've struggled with being overweight, but now a piece of me is saying it's not 100% because of this fact I've been unhappy with my body. However I get confused all over again because of when reviewing other's stories, I don't always connect on a massive scale such as when I was five I was a girly girl, (but as I got older I grew out of it and actually started to unlike things known to be girly). Or I was excited to hit puberty because I thought it was part of growing up and when I did hit puberty I wasn't happy nor unhappy with it. Though the more I think about it, the more I realize things such as when I was younger I wanted my chest to get bigger to look better. I was unhappy with my chest for a long time because I thought it wasn't right, only now do I piece it together that maybe I'd be happier if I didn't have breasts to begin with.

Ahh, see what I mean? I'm very complicated and contradicting; one minute I'm a boy, and the next I'm a silly girl that's just confused.

And even if I was truly transgender, how would I show it? I have an overly round face, moderately big chest now, and basically a girly shape in general. Would I transition, would that even help? What about all the negatives of testosterone treatment? Personally I don't want to go bald, or gain even more weight, or have health problems occur.

I feel as though I'm incomplete right now because my body doesn't match what I feel, but if I were to change my body, then I'd be incomplete on the outside to other eyes (because I'd never be fully male).

Some moments I'm sure; I'm a boy. Then I start to doubt myself and pull up of the negatives and all the things that say "no you're not." It's very difficult for me to really know. Everyday it's on my mind, and it's really, really starting to stress me out to the point I've already had a panic attack. I can't even compare myself to males or females to try and figure myself out because I'm socially awkward/have social anxiety, and everyone I know is complete opposite of that.

Jeez, I know this is a lot, but I had to say exactly what I needed to say. Please if you have any helpful tips, or advice, or your story is similar to this one; do share it with me.

I feel that I am on the other side and going in the other direction.  I had an initial conversation and the main theme is to avoid compartmentalizing yourself, you are you.  Take some time and if you can talk to a gender therapist who can help you on your path.

As far as the effects of T, I have seen cute girls turn into handsome guys.  T will make things more angular, facial hair, and there may be male baldness, but it is one of the aspects that all males go through.  The only thing that it won't "correct" is the widing of hips.  The transman I know still has an hour glass figure, but I guess if you bulk your chest and shoulders it won't be present.

Before you start HRT, I would ask the question Valjean asked, who am I?

I think the general consensus is that if you're questioning your gender, you do fall somewhere on the trans spectrum. Where, is up to you. The best advice I can give you (aside from the rest below) is to find a good, qualified gender therapist who will not only listen and discuss your situation with you, but also give you a more in depth understanding of hormones and transitioning in regards to your specific situation.

If you'd like a personal story that may be more identifiable: I didn't have any issues or claim to want to be a boy through most of my childhood. It wasn't until puberty that I expressed any kind of body dysphoria, and that was because it suddenly clicked in my mind that I was going through the wrong puberty. There were phases where I tried (and failed) to be girly to make up for feeling so terrible. When I was 17 I realized that there was a word for what I had been feeling. It took me 8 years after that to actually start transitioning and I've never felt more like myself.

Quote from: animalover9 on December 02, 2014, 02:02:01 PM
And even if I was truly transgender, how would I show it? I have an overly round face, moderately big chest now, and basically a girly shape in general. Would I transition, would that even help? What about all the negatives of testosterone treatment? Personally I don't want to go bald, or gain even more weight, or have health problems occur.

I feel as though I'm incomplete right now because my body doesn't match what I feel, but if I were to change my body, then I'd be incomplete on the outside to other eyes (because I'd never be fully male).

I have a round face, a decent sized chest, and a girly shape. I still get ID'd as male over 50% of the time and I'm not on T yet. Testosterone will alter your body in a lot of ways. Depending on the source of your weight issues, you may need to get that in check before a doctor would even allow you to go on hormones, due to the health risks. A smart doctor isn't going to allow you to do something that will open you up to significant risk. But some things can't be avoided. If baldness is a thing for males in your family, then baldness would probably be a thing for you. Testosterone is going to increase your appetite, so you'll want to eat more. That means you'd have to be working out if you don't want to experience weight gain. A lot of guys find that the increased energy they get from T makes it much easier for them to work out when they may have previously had no interest in it.

I would also reiterate the advice I've given in several threads: stop caring what other people think. At the end of the day, you are the only person that has to live in your body. It does not matter what other people think about you, your gender identity, or your gender expression.

Teamkp, Ftmax;

I'd like to thank both of you for answering! I'm still exploring, but I'm leaning towards feeling that I may be transgender. Regardless I'll keep doing research and exploring before making any decisions that'd be irreversible. Thank you both again!

It takes some people a few years to figure out their feelings, and for some, it's a lifelong adventure with some steps forward and then a few steps back.

If you haven't already, look up the Transition Channel on youtube! The person who hosts it has some great questions for you to ask yourself.

Luca;
Thanks for the advice! And yes, I've found that channel before- but it probably won't hurt to go over some of the videos again!